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i have my issues with the service industry but that is not what this forum is for..
^ Find a subletter or " room mate " discreetly and begin moving on possibly ?
How far away are your cities ?
If you are going to be with this guy , is 5 months away from each other really sustainable ?
Is he set up in the next city for you to live there with him and you want to ?
It seems like something to put in motion sooner to me BUT that is just me !
I would be a little worried about the on / off nature of things ( I tend to believe you either FIGHT for what you've got or your separate and are DONE ) but each relationship is different and people can change over time too.
I can't remember if he knows you Cam. I feel like dancing is more discreet . It's a bummer he is not on board with dancing. I might talk to a therapist about all this . Is this guy stable ? Good job / house ect. ?
OP, just want to say that i understand. And i know your post was more focused on your conundrum and less focused on reassuring us that he's worth the effort.
For one thing, stripping is not healthy for all of us, and our partners want what's best for us. I've been through times when stripping felt healthy to me, and I've been through times when it didn't. So i don't think it's weird that he's not okay with it.
For another thing, i can kind of understand why partners aren't cool with the idea of us flirting with, grinding on, and touching so many strangers every night, professionally. Sure, we know that it's just a job, but we also know how lines can start looking a little grey sometimes (maybe 1% of us have never had a workplace crush or gone out with a customer at some point), and we all know that assault happens (even the stuff that we brush off, like ass grabbing, nipple tweaking, ugh... it happens). Not to mention the environment. Clubs are usually kind of gross.
And lastly, i totally get how powerful a relationship can be that has spanned so many years, even if it hasn't been consistent. Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, and when there's someone who's known you for over a decade, that's a pretty compelling energy. I get it.
I do think honesty is the best policy here. Dancing is part of you. There are always other options (and yes, all options have downsides). But if honesty isn't an option, and you feel you have no other choice, then do your thing, girl. ♡
Even i would feel jealous and uncomfortable at the thought of my partner stripping... and i say that as someone who was previously non-monogamous and danced on and off for ten years. Watching him stare deeply into women's eyes, stroke their arms, press his body into their bodies..i mean come on, can we normalize a little bit of jealousy in our partners? I don't think it's some horrible, toxic, deal-breaking trait.
And add a long-distance element on top of that. I totally get why he's not comfortable. There are usually alternatives to dancing that would have a different set of downsides, and i think it's worth exploring those alternatives long-term. That said, to me, it sounds like the OP needs fast cash, and we all know that dancing is where it's at when it comes to that. Hired on the spot, legal, and cash in your pocket a few hours later.
Sorry, y'all, i know I'm being kind of pissy. Just expressing an opinion that diverges from how i thought in my early 20s, that's for sure.
thank you for this. it's a little frustrating on this board how everyone acts like a guy is a total loser and you should break up if he isn't either a) rich or b) cool with stripping. it's fine if those are things you need in a partner that's but not everyone feels that way and it doesn't make someone worthless if they don't meet your personal standards. honestly my bf is not some controlling loser asshole and is chill about a LOT of things. almost everything that isn't stripping or cheating. i actually just signed paperwork for an awesome new job today and the manager who got me the job? my ex i lived with in vegas, he just moved to my city to open this new place. boyfriend said it's cool, he knows i need a job and have had no luck, just as long as i don't hang out with my ex alone. he also knows i don't have any friends here and said it's fine to be friends with my ex as long as we only hang out with other people around. i think that he is more than reasonable, even with the stripping thing. i want to respect him on that matter but i'm depserate is all.
i'm stoked on this job but it isn't open yet so i don't even start training for 3 weeks. i think i have to bite the bullet and strip for a little because i can't wait that long. but after that i want to be done for good. just have to convince myself that a month isn't a big deal and i've done everything i can.
^I feel the same way about how opinions can sound skewed on this board. All opinions are valid, but i think the vocalization of those opinions can be unbalanced sometimes.
I know my response post was kind of spicy, but i wanted to advocate for the less-frequently expressed opinion on here.
Charlie I’m glad you made your post because my opinions are similar, but it seemed to be such an unpopular opinion that I was questioning my own instincts!
Just a cam girl butting in here, but I too have made choices not to do other aspects of SW for a partner and it doesn’t mean the partner is a control freak loser. Personal relationships are very different then work relationships. At least for me, when lines are crossed messes happen.
Do agree that he needs to step up if he is making the boundaries. We all have to survive in this world.
I honestly feel that if my partner were fine with me still being a sex worker, i would not be as far in my vanilla career as i am. I think i wouldn't have pursued vanilla promotions, and i would've just used sex work as a crutch until i was too burned out to do it anymore.
Sometimes easy money is exactly what we need, and sometimes easy money can be a little bit too easy, to the point where we miss other opportunities.
Just speaking about my experience and offering a different perspective. I'll chill out on this thread and others - i can tell I'm getting a little too invested in this stuff, lol! Oversharing at this point. :P
I don't think men should be cool with dancing or sex work. Which is why I don't tell them . In what I have seen the only guys cool with it are either crazy, have addictions or are broke losers who live with the girls and expect them to pay for stuff. I have not met girls with normal stable guys who put up with it for longer than a few months. Maybe it happens but I've never seen it.
You’re not cheating! Sex work wether it’s camming, dancing, FSSW is work! I know people get triggered by being called a sex worker, so if they doesn’t resonate then just take what you like and leave the rest.
If it's just for a couple of months, do what you have to do. I'm assuming he knows about camming, since you haven't said you hide that from him? Channel any vague statements about work into pretending they're camming stories, and then leave it all behind when you're able to. Since you're long distance, it shouldn't be hard to keep it a secret for a short while for the extra cash.
If the guilt really eats you, or he finds out somehow, maybe a case of "better to ask for forgiveness than permission?" It's one thing to ask when you know he'll say no; but you could plead your case that you needed the extra money now just for a couple months until the new job starts.
Or - another option: is it possible he would give or even loan you the money you need right now if he knew how badly you were struggling?
so smart, i was thinking of saying i was going to be more active and do more hours on cam. and i *would ask for money but i would rather take care of myself or break up. i hate when he sends me money because i'd rather dance. i get more money and less guilt. in* his opinion i should feel worse/more guilt but i do not.
Aw. :(
I have been there in a phase of partner like 6-7 years ago not being ok with sex work stuff and it was this huge adjustment of trying to let it go before I was really ready.
Ugh.
I would probably dance on the sly but that is me ( and build up your vanilla plans heavily in the next few months ).
You might not be able to get away with it when you live together obviously.
I guess we all have our " things" .
The in person stuff must be triggering for him more than over video.
My ex 2011-2018 was totally fine with being an "Ex" entertainer but if I needed a $ boost and wanted to go back a couple days it was hell even trying to talk about it. He also found out I was doing " bikini " massages and sometimes topless / nude if the guy had enough $$$. I think I saw a friend of his as a customer and got tattled on or he spied on my ads.
I sometimes feel like hanging onto sex work was my BIGGEST mistake ever ( I believe it was a factor in losing him ).
At other times I want to defend it.
I am *close* just as of recently to paying about 16k of Hawaii debt off for example when we moved away in 2016. That would have been zero with just popping in sex work just here and there when my vanilla work had slow phases. :/
When I was totally single in 2019 and doing vanilla and dancing together ..... zero debt accumulation .
In fact I started saving a little and chipping away at former debt mentioned above.
**** ( don't quote whole post please as I might delete some things posted ) ****
^ I can get that safety concern because like others mentioned we can CAN be assaulted ( even if low key grabbing ) during ANY in person work.
It is a real and actual risk we mitigate each time.
I have dealt with gross feelings from my last dancer shift from a couple weeks ago if I'm being fully honest.
I work one club where you can upsell dances for $35-$40 for example but they are HIGH contact . I have been wondering about visiting there less.
I wonder if you could talk to him about working a slower type of shift like days where you feel a better sense of control and things are not as chaotic . Just trying to brainstorm a bit !
I don't really blame my long term ex either for being appalled at my sex work . It IS a very strange and unique thing to do and not everyone is going to be ok with it! So just good vibes and luck as you think about all this. Oh this is getting rambly sorry but I DO also feel like men who are " not ok with it " shouldn't watch ANY porn then lol. You can not consume a product and then get down on those who provide it.
BOO. :(
also, to add, he can't fully support me because he is supporting his entire family and basically told me that if he moves and gets us a place and moves out, we will be fine but they will have nowhere to go. i know this for a fact to be true because i know his family. the judgement is unreal sometimes. i'm not going to ask him to "man up" for me and do that to them, and i don't want to cheat, hence the confusion and why i wanted advice.
trust me y 'all we have had many discussions about this, he is worried about me being assaulted or hurt, not trying to control me otherwise he wouldn't want me camming. i told him that i was first assaulted at 17 as a hostess wearing a collared shirt and tie when an old man slapped me on the ass. he didn't really know what to say but still thinks that stripping is way more dangerous and i agree.
^ I'm curious about the plan for the family. Are they going to be more self supporting in a few months ? What is the reason they don't have income ? The healthy ones ... get them working ! The ones who need assistance .... get them on it ! You guys are going to need your own place to thrive the best.
I don't really think stripping is " dangerous " per say but it does require a lot of attention staying on top of situations .
^ one lost their job but just got a new one, and things are looking up. i will wait because he waited for me. and honestly? i do think stripping is dangerous. i've been a bartender in sketchy places and...... had way worse things happen to me as a stripper, on the regular. not to say nothing happened bartending. i'm being honest.
edit: just re-read your post. IMO if you are an attractive female, you will get sexually harassed at any job, strip club or bottle girl or whatever. shoutout to every waitress job i had before stripping. i've been made uncomfortable by so many DJs and floor guys, managers at bars, retail. makes sense to get paid more even though there ain't no HR dpt at the spearmint rhino etc... i feel like girls start making good money, feel accepted, and the environment is more sexually oriented, so it's harder to distinguish friendly from creepy and unprofessional. creepy is creepy no matter what you are wearing or doing. However when it comes to vanilla work you can't just say fuck off and get a new job right away. It's all terrible. I'm rambling because this subject frustrates me to no end