My wife wants to be a stripper...
Hello, I Am 21 and my wife and I have been going to strip clubs for a while now. After many comments from patrons of said clubs (and DJ's and dancers that work there) about how she should be a dancer, she is seriously considering it.
I am pretty open minded and I want her to do what she enjoys, but something about lots of other men ogling her all day makes me uncomfortable. I know that it's hypocritical of me to go feel that way and then go and watch someone else's wfe/daughter/whatever dance, but I'm just having a really hard time with it.
Actually It's not the stage performances that bother me but the thought of her giving other men lap dances.
I just need some advice, and since I can't really afford professional help I thought I'd ask people involved with the exotic dancer thing.
So, are any of you married, or dating seriously? How does your spouse feel? Does your spouse come and watch you work?
Feel free to answer any questions that I should have asked if you think I left anything out.
I just want to make my wife happy, without feeling unhappy myself!
Help!
Louis
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
It really requires a special kind of relationship for a boyfriend/SO/husband to both be comfortable with the idea of his girlfriend/SO/wife dancing and allow/encourage her to do what's expected in order for her to be financially successful. For starters, the vast majority of clubs will not permit a husband to be present in the club while his wife is working - customers can sense that the dancer is "taken" because of the interaction with the husband (even if it's only eye contact and inhibited behavior). In order to be financially successful, the dancer must be free to act as if she is "hot and available" in order to get customers to part with their money. Likewise, the dancer must be free to perform private dances for customers without undue inhibitions.
If you are not comfortable with the idea of letting your wife go off to "work", to do what she's expected to do both with customers in general and during private dances in particular, without your being able to participate, then trouble is on the horizon. To avoid problems, a dancer's husband must be able to deal with the fact that the dancer wife has a difficult "job to do" which the husband isn't going to share (and trust me doesn't want to share in the long term) and shouldn't expect to share - including questions regarding details of what went on at the club.
The husband must be confident in the belief that, no matter what happens while the wife is "doing her job" at the club, the fact that she comes home to you at the end of the night is enough to prove her love for you. Additionally, the husband must be comfortable with the very likely probability that the dancer wife is going to earn significantly more money than he does. If you can't handle this, then the underlying mistrust, jealousy and male ego constitute a ticking time bomb which can poison the relationship as well as making the wife's dancing a much more difficult job than it already would have been.
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
I just recently got married myself (June 14th) and a couple of months before the wedding the bills were just stacking up too high. My husband was the only one working while I was finishing up nursing school. I brought up the idea to him about me becoming a stripper. We talked about it and he said that he trusts me and gave me his 'blessing'.
I've been stripping now for about 6 months, I'm very honest with my husband. The main thing we've always had was trust in our relationship. He understands that when I'm in the club I'm doing my job. Is he 100% comfortable with me being a stripper? No. But he is very secure in our relationship and knows that I would never take work outside the club. He does admit to sometimes feeling like 'the man' at times.
If your wife does go ahead and become a dancer, try to question her too much at the end of the night. For one thing, after talking to customers for hours and hours the last thing we want to do is more talking when we get home. I've only danced at two clubs (but I can't imagine other clubs are any different) and the second the guy puts his hands where they don't belong a bouncer comes right over and asks him to stop. The money that your wife will bring home after dancing, talking and in all honesty telling the guy whatever he wants to hear she brings home. In order for this work you have to trust her, support her, understand her, love her.
I have nights when I come home in nearly tears because of a customer or a REALLY bad night. I also have nights that I come home jumping for joy because of an awesome night. My husband is my bestfriend. He gives me his shoulder when I'm down and celebrates with me when I'm happy.
Best of luck to you and your wife!
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Wow. I had no idea there could be such a policy regarding husbands present at work. Makes sense I suppose.
I don't think I could handle all of that. It's really a shame because I want her to be happy. I know that at the end of the day she'd be coming home to me. But I would probably feel very uncomfortable not knowing what goes on for 8+ hours out of her day.
Granted I don't need every detail, but I would be curious about the highlights. Then I would find out and I would probably be unhappy about one thing or another, and then... well I can see where this can be tough.
I'm not ready to lock myself out of a third of my wife's life. Maybe someday I'll get over it. Until then, I will have to admit that I'm far too insecure.
I guess we've had a rough start of things in the trust department. I hesitate to go into detail, but at any rate I have some issues that probably should get worked out.
I like the idea of her being a stripper, I don't mind her doing her job. I just don't want to feel left out. I don't ever want to wonder what's keeping her out later than usual...
*sigh* :-/ Why do I feel like a bad guy?
At any rate, I would still appreciate more input, and other opinions. Who knows where that
Thank you both for your prompt replies,
Louis
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
I dont think you should feel like a bad guy. I think what you are feeling is very normal.
It just that, for your particular relationship, it may not be a good outcome if she started dancing, it doesnt mean that the next girl whose guy doesnt seem to mind, has a better relationship.
We all have our own issues.
Are you and your wife financially secure? I mean, why is she considering it? Just becuase the DJ, dancers, and other customers said she is good looking enough to do it? If thats the case, get her some platforms, and some sexy "stripper" outfits to wear so she can dance for you. You can even get a pole (they are removable)
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
The other thing to do, if you really dont mind the stage performance, would let her go around doing amature nights.
No lap dancing then :)
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Well, she's also a bit of an exhibitionist... or something like that. So I guess she's kind of into it anyway. Our finances are ok, but we don't really have enough money to live life the way we want to. We can afford to pay bills and keep food on the table, but after that it's pretty much just quiet nights at home.
I honestly think that if I could get over it, things would be a lot better for the both of us. She could go to school in her off time if she wanted, we could afford a second vehicle, we could have nice furniture, and so on and so on...
I think the worst thing about the situation is that my mind constantly changes... Sometimes I feel alright about it, and others I just get some disturbing mental imagery and totally feel all insecure and scared. Men are not supposed to feel scared.
Damn the sexist American culture I grew up in.
Oh well, maybe I'll feel better about it, and maybe not. Maybe she'll understand my fears, maybe not.
Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I hope there's more on its way.
Louis
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Quote:
men are not supposed to feel scared
All men are scared of something, most just can't show it - don't feel like the Lone Ranger.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, with the existance of a 'fear factor' on your part and an "exhibitionist" factor on your wife's part, that being supportive of her dancing might actually turn out to be a positive thing for your relationship. I get the intuitive sense that there is an underlying element of "possession" in your current relationship - that you somehow view your marriage license as a sales receipt showing the world that your wife is YOURS, rather than you being secure in the idea of being two independent people who have chosen to travel through life together.
If so, then opposing her dancing may increase the "possessiveness" in your relationship. In the long term, excessively "possessive" relationships often end with the wife doing something drastic to escape her "possession" (either figuratively or literally).
If two people have a solid relationship to start with, dancing can actually make that relationship stronger. This is because the dancer wife will be interacting with guys on a nightly basis, she will be constantly reminded of what guys can be like (i.e. unfaithful to their own wives/girlfriends, interested in tits and ass instead of what's inside as well, spending their money on their own fun instead of providing for their families). This in theory can clearly set her own husband apart from these guys.
Your wife will also be interacting with fellow dancers on a nightly basis. In most cases, this will serve as a reminder that some girls can be opportunists ("that rich customer invited me out for breakfast"), that some girls aren't the least bit interested in serious real life relationships ( new boyfriend every week, wild party report ), and that some girls aren't very responsible from a financial standpoint ( "wow I just had to buy this $1000 bracelet the minute I saw it"). Similarly, this can set your wife apart from these girls.
A wife who is a dancer is in some ways very similar to a husband who is a cop - they both get to see up close the negative side of people on a daily basis. They are also both very dependent on their spouse to provide help in dealing with that.
You have also said that your wife is an "exhibitionist", and I get the impression that she really wants to explore dancing. Perhaps if you give her the freedom and support to explore, in the end she may find that the reality of dancing is not all that she anticipated, and you'll both be better off from the experience. It may also turn out that her dancing cements a stronger relationship between you based on the old theory of "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". Allowing her to dance involves a leap of faith on your part which she'll possibly greatly appreciate in later years
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Quote:
I'm not ready to lock myself out of a third of my wife's life. Maybe someday I'll get over it. Until then, I will have to admit that I'm far too insecure.
Louis
Wow, I am impressed ! 8)
That is the most mature thing I think I have ever heard come out of a 21 year old mans mouth.
I've known men in the 40's who can't comprehend those feelings much less express them so honestly !
Louis gets a pat on the back from me !
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Quote:
All men are scared of something, most just can't show it - don't feel like the Lone Ranger.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, with the existance of a 'fear factor' on your part and an "exhibitionist" factor on your wife's part, that being supportive of her dancing might actually turn out to be a positive thing for your relationship. I get the intuitive sense that there is an underlying element of "possession" in your current relationship - that you somehow view your marriage license as a sales receipt showing the world that your wife is YOURS, rather than you being secure in the idea of being two independent people who have chosen to travel through life together.
If so, then opposing her dancing may increase the "possessiveness" in your relationship. In the long term, excessively "possessive" relationships often end with the wife doing something drastic to escape her "possession" (either figuratively or literally).
If two people have a solid relationship to start with, dancing can actually make that relationship stronger. This is because the dancer wife will be interacting with guys on a nightly basis, she will be constantly reminded of what guys can be like (i.e. unfaithful to their own wives/girlfriends, interested in tits and ass instead of what's inside as well, spending their money on their own fun instead of providing for their families). This in theory can clearly set her own husband apart from these guys.
Your wife will also be interacting with fellow dancers on a nightly basis. In most cases, this will serve as a reminder that some girls can be opportunists ("that rich customer invited me out for breakfast"), that some girls aren't the least bit interested in serious real life relationships ( new boyfriend every week, wild party report ), and that some girls aren't very responsible from a financial standpoint ( "wow I just had to buy this $1000 bracelet the minute I saw it"). Similarly, this can set your wife apart from these girls.
A wife who is a dancer is in some ways very similar to a husband who is a cop - they both get to see up close the negative side of people on a daily basis. They are also both very dependent on their spouse to provide help in dealing with that.
You have also said that your wife is an "exhibitionist", and I get the impression that she really wants to explore dancing. Perhaps if you give her the freedom and support to explore, in the end she may find that the reality of dancing is not all that she anticipated, and you'll both be better off from the experience. It may also turn out that her dancing cements a stronger relationship between you based on the old theory of "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". Allowing her to dance involves a leap of faith on your part which she'll possibly greatly appreciate in later years
not to mention the fact that she might come home with a lot of sexual tention and wear you out..... ;D I heard a girl who's husban went to clubs sum it up best, "I don't care WHERE he gets his apitite, as long as he eats at home" 8)
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
If you are not sure now, you will be more against it once she starts. At which point she will be too involved with it to quit & it will become you or the dancing. The job changes people. and even if it doesnt...and even if shes good at work...and even if you SAY it is ok...you are not going to stop wonderign where your wife is at 3 am......Most girls stop dancing when they get married. I have seen an instance where the girl could not quit and it lead to a rather hasty divorce.
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
THe decision is totally between the two of you. Forget how you think you should feel or want to feel, express to your S.O. all your true apprehensions imagined or not. If you decide to go along with her then give her your full support. If there are reservations against it , let her know. Whatever the case ,it must be a mutual decision. You are each others primary partners and must consider the affect it has upon the other.
Set your limits as to what is acceptable and what is not, if your partner exceeds those boundaries ,confront them on it.
My S.O. works in the sex industry. It is totally okay with me. We have a fantastic relationship. I look at it this way. She could have done what she does with me or without me. The fact that she still has the same feelings towards me irreguardless makes me feel secure with her. Plus she tolerates any actions I do on my part.
Communication is the key to it all. Good luck to you.
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Anytime a woman or man who are exclusive take on a new job it can be tough for the relationship. Add "she wants to strip for a job" on top af that and it can be really tough for some. If you have 1 doubt, please go with your gut feeling. And talk to her. If she has a history of infidelity, this job may worry you more.
I don't think this job decision can be made in moments or maybe days.
It's a tough rough business, and takes a strong loving man with trust to hang on to her.
You sound like a very supportive, and that is a very good quality in person. Please, talk and talk more.
I know the end result you can't stop her if you wish too, this will only lead to hard feelings amoung you two, so i would think, educate myself on the business, visit some clubs with her, and get comfortable with the business!
Lotsa luck hun,
Pamela :) :)
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
Keep in mind that this is a job. My fiancee' is cool with the business and even scopes out clubs for me to work in.
I can't understand what a guy has to fear about his girl dancing. In life we tend to fear things we don't understand. I guarantee that if you worked in a club as a bouncer, DJ, manager, or whatever, you would have no more apprehensive feelings about the job.
What are you afraid of? That she will meet someone else better than you? That can happen at any job.This is not a nightclub she's partying at with her friends and where she is dancing with every guy who asks her to dance.She is working and every dance she sells is money in both of your pockets. Have you tried focusing on how how if she makes twice what she makes at her current job can positively effect your lives? A job is all about money isn't it?
My guy has been in most of the clubs I dance in before and during the time I work and he analyzes the crowd and customer spending.
Clubs don't want boyfriends and husbands in most of thee time because some are crazy guys who don't understand the business and get out of hand. When my guy picks me up from work he tries to be very obscure and doesn't get to know the club employees so that if he decides to randomly come in the club no one will know he's involved with me.He pretends he doesn't know me while sitting in the corner drinking his drink and I do the same unless I can nonchalantly chat with him briefly as if he were a customer.Guys like to feel you are single so a good dancer never admits to being involved in a relationship.The more you string along the guy the more money you make.
As far as wondering when your wife will get home why would you wonder that? She will leave the club shortly after closing time if she works nights,just as she would at a mainstream job. Why would you think this would be any different?
Go sit outside some clubs at closing and watch the dancers leave.Either their guy is waiting for them in the car or they get in their cars and drive home alone.
Working in a club is not the same for the dancer as it is for the customer. It is a party for the customer and a job for the dancer. Successful dancers study selling strategies and monitor how much they drink so they can get as much money as possible from each guy they are working.
Every guy has seen a woman naked. It's no big deal. As I said focus on her being the best salespeerson possible even if you buy tapes and role play with her. Let her tell you what guys say to her at night and what she has to do to get dances and you help her learn to persuade hesitant men to buy from her.
If you were a male dancer Big Red, and you danced for a room full of middle aged plain women every night, would you lose sight of dancing just being a job and ttry to hook up with them or merely focus on selling them as many dances as possible so you could go home with maximum money? Also, when the club is closed or your shift is over,why would you not go straight home like you do at any other job?
Re: My wife wants to be a stripper...
You should first think about the money she'll bring home. Then you should think about trusting her. I assume that she'll work at a low-contact, no extras club. If that's the case, then you shouldn't worry.