immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I have a hard time being in a relationship and being a dancer. I try to keep my job a secret, so I lie about where I work. One lie can lead to others. Sometimes the lies really get to me though. What kind of relationship can you have with a man(or anyone for that mater) if it is built of lies? Ive been dating a guy for a few weeks and he doesnt know what I do. I tried to tell him today, but he did not believe me. I was even giving detais of everything that I knew about the bussiness to proove it...Its not the first time that I tested to try and ask him how he felt about dancers.I guess I should be happy that he doesnt know what I do. A few hours later i broke things off with him. Its mainly because i dont feel able to be myself with him. Its hard to just continue to lie to people if I dont want anyone to know what I do. I feel like all my friendships are fake. Am i doomed to be lonely the entire rest of my dancing carreer? :-[
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
From now on be honest.
If a guy asks you what you do, tell em. Its not that bad. You may get a lot of questions, but thats ok, they get to know the real you. You can let them know its your job, but not who you are.
My FH had a preconcieved notion about dancers before he met me. He knows he was wrong now.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
yeah be honest.. you want to find a man that will be there for you know matter what.. not judge you for your job.. theres nothing wrong with stripping! Rember that!
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
There's no point lying to everyone about what you do. Granted, it is probably best to keep your job a secret from certain people (I don't tell my grandparents because they are just too old-fashioned, or potential landlords because they tend to assume I'll be irresponsible about paying the rent and having wild parties). But when it comes to your friends and people you interact with on a daily basis, casual acquaintances and people you've just met, why bother lying? Are you that ashamed of your job? What I do is not hide my job and let people either be my friends, choose to date me or not, or let their own prejudices and misconceptions bring THEM down. If they are so caught up in what my job is, they have their own problems and it's not my duty to change their minds or conform to what they think is right. I follow my own standards and choose to spend my time with people who accept me for me, the whole me and not what they want me to be. I know what I do is not immoral or wrong, and I don't do anything that I feel uncomfortable with or that I feel is wrong.
As soon as you come to terms with the job yourself, you'll realize it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks about it, and you'll be able to let people know who YOU are, regardless of your job. You'll see that when you aren't hung up with it, and let people get to know YOU, they will be less concerned about it and more accepting of you as a person, not you as your job.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
Welcome to my club....guess i never could have a dancing job and bf at the same time. I lost a bf of 4 years because of my job choices. Yes i chose. Sure i dated, but nothing serious. Now that i have just quit dancing, alot of guys are coming out of the wood work! BUT....i have always told everyone in my life what jobs i woked. And lying is NOT the answer, you will be found out. Takes a strong guy to love you and accept the job you chose. I could not find one that felt right at the time. Working on it now!!! Alot of guys liked me, but would never date a dancer they told me, (wanted to sleep with me tho, go figure). that was honesty, you need to be honest back.
Also, not to sound selfish, but you need to take care of number one!!! Always. Pamela
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I used to hide what I did from everyone, except close friends. Now that I have returned to the business I have been open and upfront with it. Most people don't judge you once they know. They are more curious about it. I told my boyfriend that I used to dance the first phone converstaion that we had.
Being yourself isn't bad, good luck.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I hear what you are saying, but at the same time I keep in mind that people ARE judgemental. Not everyone is as open minded as we are. They do not know the line of work like we do. They view it as how they see it in the movies. I just think that they will either judge me, not want anything to do with me (due to misconceptions that I am a whore) or worse use me for money! With this guy - when I tried to tell him what I did, he said "good then you should have no problem to start paying for things." Plus if friends know they will want to come see you.
Pamela - what do you mean by take care of number one? Did he not know what you did for 4 years and then find out?
A boyfriend is suppossed to be one of the closest person in your life. So it makes sense that I felt uncomfortable around this person.
Maybe I just have not found the right guy yet. I TRIED to tell him the truth. I could have opened my trunk and showed him all of my dance clothing....but with this particular situation I decided I'd feel more comfortable not talking to him anymore than trying to explain everything. (Its prob not just because of the dancing that he rubs me the wrong way)
I do not think I should get into another relationship until i am ready to be honest. Its much too hard on me emotionally to live a lie.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I meant to say in my previous post that he wanted to me to start paying for everything. I already do pay for too much in my opinion wen we go out. Especially because he doesnt even have a car....
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
It's totally unfair to lie to your boyfriend. You wouldn't want him keeping secrets from you, do you? If you plan to spend a long time together with him then he has the right to know. I don't know why you would want to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't really know you.
Try to break it to him gently. You must accept the consequences of your actions. If he doesn't accept you then he wasn't meant for you in the first place. Try finding someone more compatible to yourself.
As to work. As long as you are not in a job that upholds the public trust ie. police officer, bishop, or any political office your coworkers have no right to know what your side occupation is. It's none of their business. Just give them some excuse if they pry.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I came up from Lauderdale, i danced there as well for many years. Upon moving up here, i met him. I told him i worked at a hospital, did phone sex days, danced night, pose nude. He kept on seeing me, 4 years!!!!!!
Then had a problem because one of his friends he said say me dancing on stage, told him about my performance, and the mingling. (but there where problems all along with jealousy, and questions, we just hung in there).
Ya know, i think the dancing part was not the issue, it was the fact that i had to be friendly with guys and mingle, flirt. If i was a "royal bitch" to all the customers he would have been happy.
Then phone sex got to him, he did not want me getting guys off on the phone. Ok, i am fantasy! I only slept with him.
I can understand in some guys defense, they want thier gf to themselves in a sexual way. He broke up with me. Said it was over. BUT...we kept seeing each other, and had sex 3 weeks ago!
I do my own thing, just was horny, and we are safe. I care about him, but could not have a man support me. I had his child. I still care.
He is very jealous, and changed as he got to know me better. Now he is bitter, and when we talk brings up other guys i see now. Screw it, thats not love (never was), or understanding. I would NEVER play around on him....NEVER. He had it made. Or so i thought.
Pamela
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I don't think you want to be with a guy who does not want to be with you because you are a dancer. Neither should you be with a guy who wants to be with you because you are a dancer. I am married to a dancer (retired) and when we met I fell in love with her.
Her beauty, brains, crazy sense of humor, the whole package. She is also the least judgemental person I have ever known. I had no prior experience dating women who danced professionally, but I was also very attracted to her confidence in her own sexuality. I've always thought that some of her most attractive personality traits were enhanced by her danceing experience. Hope I'm not over-romantcizing, but I said
all that to say this, you can have a relationship and be
a dancer, but noone can really get to know you if you are keeping secrets.
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
AJ - Are you "doomed" to be alone? No, you are not. Are you "doomed" to try and find someone who has a stronger, more substantial character then the person you were with? Surely, but thats not a bad thing, in the long run. If you are honest with whomever you are with about your occupation, then you can weed out the ones who lack self-esteem, respect for himself or you, and or decent character and integrity. That may make it much harder to enter into relationships, but when you finally get into one, you know it has stood up to your standards and will be infinitely more fulfilling.
Just a simple bartenders advice.
PJ
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
I know exactly what you mean Alegra! My parents don't know what i do. I think I will tell my Mom next time I see her, but I see her only 2 times a year b/c she lives in Europe. Lies are not easy. The truth may hurt, but if the person you are sharing this with really cares about you OR cares enough to get to know you, they will not pass judgement. If they do, they are probably a little ignorant and more than likely not worth your time or energy. Good Luck. There are plenty of great people out there who will love you and care for you and only you, not your job decision!
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
Oh boy, never get into a relationship where you're paying most or all of the expenses for a guy. He will only leach whatever he can from you, use you and give you nothing in return. Alot of girls get stuck in this rut and think they're getting love from the guy, but all they're really getting is screwed! There's nothing wrong with splitting bills or helping each other out occasionally, but when the woman is paying for most or all, that is a disaster waiting to happen!
Re: immoral if u lie, immoral if u strip
We did not live together so I was not paying his bills like that. But for example, he would ask me for money when he had a credit card on him. (i didnt give) He would need rides to work because he did not have a car. I did this a few times and it would take almost an hour and a half round trip. I am old fashioned in the sense that I think a man should pay for me when we go out. He rarely paid. We went on vacation (I drove - of course) and when we had lunch together I gave him money for half of the bill, and he took it! We pulled out of the parking lot and he asked for money for parking. He did not want to do anything on vacation because he did not have the money. Sure I could have pulled some out with my bank card but fuck that!! Whats the point in trying to have a serious relationship (which includes telling him the truth) with someone who I dont think it would work out with in the long run anyway. When someone is that cheap it makes it hard to have a good time anyway. I know some girls that pay the guys rent and bills etc etc. NOT A GOOD IDEA. I dance for ME. If a man wants to be with me he needs to be able to pull his own weight.