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Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymore
I went for an audition yesterday at Club HighHeels. Beautiful Place.It opened on Halloween.
I usually dont go by myself so I took the father of my twins. He was at my house to see my kids, ask to go that the funny part.
Ok after the audition the guys like me, so I was in just have to get my schedule they said they was going to call.
He was mad cause he said he didnt like. Oh well, he starts arguing with, so I was Im not talking anymore. I ignored him. I'm driving the rockaways (highway)and he turns the wheel. The car go one way toward the grass then im trying to control the wheel while he's turn it the other way. The car now is all over the place(no car around thank God). Then we hit into the divider, hard rock wall that divides the traffic.
All I remember after that was seeing white, i guess the airbag. I thought I was DEAD . Then I was pulled out the window by the asshole. My car was flip over. The back wheels was gone/off. Watcher called the cops.
They said if I didnt have my seatbelt on i would have died. My face is not mess up nothing serious happen to me . I only my ankle got swollen. My car is unfixable.
I lost over $20,000 car, clothing, shoes but I have my life.
The fool is in jail and im fighting the case with is attemped murder.
I maybe go the stipping game for some weeks but
I'LL BE BACK.....LOL.
Girls if you have boyfriend, husbands, or even like this leave them alone. Please. My case could have came out more worst That what happened. So im thankful and happy that justice is being serve.
WHAT A WEEK :( >:( :'( :-/
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
God TiNi I will definitly pray for you tonight. I am so sorry to hear you have had such a rotten week. Two accidents in one week :( I really reel for you. You must have a guardian angel to have walked away from an accident like that. Thank god! You seem like a very strong woman and I wish you the best of luck with everything.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
I left you a PM. Thanx for your support :-*
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
:-* Gods watch over you, Tini. Be thankful and do what it takes to take care of yourself. Remember this - You have babies, and how can you be good to them if you are not good to yourself first? That is what keeps me sane every day. I hope you get this all sorted out and that the jerk gets to stew behind bars for quite a while. Might I also recommend a protection / restraining order against him? Could be a handy thing to have. :-*
What is interesting to me is that this has not really been touched upon before on StripperWeb. Yet I know that Tini cannot be the only woman on here who has had to endure it, for even a night.
Perhaps the other women do not feel it is appropriate to approach such a subject in a public forum - screw that. It's a subject that never should have been socially taboo in the first place. Perhaps some may feel that discussing it may lead others to further believe old stereotypes about the lives of strippers - screw that excuse, too. The same argument could be made about discussions on prostitution and extras (I'm not knocking those threads, merely using as an example,ind you).
I'd be interested in seeing the views of others on this matter. I don't mean comparing "war stories" or anything like that. Rather, an actual discussion of a very fucked up issue that affects the lives of many women (and some men), not just strippers. EVERY place I have ever worked, there has always been at least one girl who had somebody beating the hell out of her on a weekly, or even nightly, basis. So there has to be some opinions floating around.
Anybody care to dig into a potentially deep discussion here? We've got some collective brain power floating around this forum; might as well exercise and indulge it.
McCain
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
I haven't had the situation, so I can not say, but i do know that at every club there is some girl with a sob story about some dude kickin her ass. What I did not know is that some of these girls have been going through it for years and feel like if some1 doesn't hit them that he doesn't care. Some of them actually dig that shit.
There are also girls that simply got into bad situations. If sum1 isn't treatin u like they should, U need to leave. Evry1 says I'm young so I don't know that its not that easy to leave b/c of children and other responsibilities. But, its not worth losing ur sense of self-worth and having ur children see u treated that way. 2 me its a matter of keeping myself to certain ideals.
Here's a quick tale of a friend of mine: Her ex-guy is an NBA star and bought her evrything money could buy, but he was kicking her ass left and right through her damn mansion evrytime she blinked the wrong way or if he felt she encouraged people to look at her when they were in public. She explained he bought her mansion b/c of her nice smile. He paid for her clothes with her sense of self-worth. Her self esteem paid for the jaguar and mercedes. Her miscarriages got her the zeroes at the end of her bank statement b/c of his "mistakes". He accidently kicked her down a few flights of steps on a couple of seperate occasions. His love for her looks took care of the plastic surgeon after he shattered her face and broke a bunch of her teeth. And some people say the money she had and the lifestyle she lived was worth it. People actually said to her well why couldn't u jus do what he wanted and not upset him. She left him a while ago, and he is still crying about it now saying he loved her and didn't mean to hurt her. She just packed up oneday and left. She still says its the best thing that ever happened to her b/c one day she realized she was trading her self for what she called love and that it was not an equal trade.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Domestic violence is more widespread than people think. People are surprised as to what goes on behind closed doors, but I've known girls who suffer alone and no one even has a clue. I used to work for an outreach help line at Cedars Sinai Hospital, and domestic and child abuse was one of the predominant problems. Many of the victims had become so used to being treated this way, that it became a painful yet normal part of their everyday reality. Others were too scared of their spouses or parents to go for help. And many simply blamed themselves and would constantly comment "if only I had done this..or that...if only I acted more pleasant, if only I was prettier....then he'd treat me better". I have a friend at the moment who is going through a similar situation. She constantly attributes her boyfriends behavior to herself...and believes that if she could only change, perhaps their situation would work out. It's so frustrating, I want to scream"IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!" >:(
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
McCain he's going to jail for quite some time. Also I have a life time order of protection, he cant come near me, call, or see his kids with is messed up but every thing happens for a reason. So i'm very happy.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
it only happened to me once many years ago - he slapped me and I broke his jaw with a right hook!
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Hi Tini,
Sorry this happened, but I'm glad you're out of the situation. I wish you and your children the best.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
why is it my stripper sisters and i all seem to pick losers, hangers on, wife beating assholes..is it in our genes...do we think we deserve to be treated like crap??i don't understand..but i include myself..i too was a victim of domestic violence with ALL my boyfriends..in fact every guy that has ever said he loved me has ended up beating me..but like you tini...i said no more, at least for the sake of my son so he does'nt grow up to be a wife beater...to all my sisters out there..stay strong and don't take no shit (can i say that?)
hollyday
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Holly, I think it's safe to say you can say that.
In the distant past, I've been in the same shoes as you, Tini and Holly. Been there, done that, learned to walk on. It's simply not permitted in my life anymore. But it drives me nuts when I see this happen, and I always find myself asking "Why?"
Almost everyone I have known in real life has always taken one of two sides - either "It's their own fault", or "Oh, you poor victim". When the fact of the matter is that the truth usually lies somewhere in between. I have seen (and been) the woman who brought it on herself by sticking around and not super-gluing the asshole's genitals to a bedpost. But I have also known women who really were in a position which would be potentially murderous to themselves, or their children, if they ever tried to leave. What's worse is when it starts out as something fromwhich the woman could have walked away, but develops into something potentially fatal. And as for those women who really feel it isn't love unless someone is beating on them, all I can say is "It's called THERAPY - Get Some!"
What I fail to understand is what brings this out of men (and some women) in the first place... I mean, there's the classic "you live what you learn" theory (i.e., grow up in abusive household, become abusive / abused as adult), but that cannot even begin to encompass all cases. Has anyone here ever researched this in sociology /psychology class or something? What kind of mentality brings a person to harm the people that love(d) them? Is it something innate or something learned? Can it be rehabilitated, or is an abuser an abuser for life?
Just some thoughts to ponder. Kind of nice to see some of the recent intellectual thread, btw - ethnic dancers, smart dancers, views regarding other forms of sex work, etc... I believe Congress is employing the wrong "think tank".
McCain
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Wow... I can't believe we're talking about this here. I'm glad we are, but it's not what I expected to see when I got up this morning and logged on to stripperweb LOL
I grew up in an abusive home and went through several abusive relationships. For me it was just a case of normalcy - I grew up being abused from when I was very young, and watching other people be abused. I knew that it wasn't normal or right or healthy, it was just that the people I was most comfortable with or drawn to always ended up being abusive. It just seemed normal to me, and it actually took me a while to learn to recognize abusive behavior and say "this is wrong" because it just seemed normal to me.
I've volunteered for womans shelters, crisis lines, and childrens advocacy groups (if anyones interested in volunteering, CASA is a great organization) and I've written papers about dv in criminal justice and psych classes.
McCain, I would have to go digging to really completely answer your question, but the basic gist of the answer is that a lot of men equate control/intimidation with love. Maybe their insecure, but they feel like they would lose their girlfreind if they didn't control/intimidate her. And then there are sociopathic people who just enjoy being abusive. And people with drug/alchohol/anger management problems.
Most abusers (except sociopaths) are generally thought to be rehab-able, but the relationship itself usually doesn't survive.
Lena
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Tini, thank god you're ok! i'll be thinking of you in my prayers, girl. good for you to stay strong in a bad situation and kick that guy to the curb. you definitely made the right decision... never doubt that. :-*
i've never personally been involved in a physically abusive relationship. i did date one guy that after several years, got angry about something and slapped me. i walked out immediately and never looked back.
one of my best friends that i've known since diaper days has been in an abusive relationship for many years. she is completely cowed by him and places all the blame of his actions on herself. she became a mere shadow of the girl i used to know. although i tried everything to convince her to get out of her situation, she wouldn't and couldn't even understand why she should. i finally had to stop my friendship with her as it made me sick to see what was happening to her and be able to do nothing to help. i still worry about her and keep in touch with what's happening to her through mutual friends, but she's still with him and still having to wear sunglasses and long sleeved shirts to hide her bruises. one of these days, he'll probably kill her. i hate it that i'm not able to do anything more for her, but i've long since tried everything. i just hope that some day soon she'll realize what she needs to do before it's too late.
there's no excuse for abusive of any kind, either physical or mental. those kinds of people do not deserve the privilage of your company and you'd be far better off by yourself.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
I really want to thank all of you that have posted on this subject. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I have actually been enduring both physical and mental abuse from my ex-fiance for over 2 years now. I found the strength to finally move away from him, but somehow he convinced me (again) that he had really changed and I fell back into his web of deception. Just yesterday I realized that he has not changed and probly never will. It really is the hardest thing I've ever done trying to convince myself that I don't need him and to stay away. I love this man with all my heart, and really wish he could stand up and be a man and treat me right. I haven't been doing too well with convincing myself yet...but your stories have been inspiring. Hopefully I'll find the strength and determination to do what I know I must. Thanks for all the inspiring words :)
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Smart woman you are TiNi, we don't and won't put up with abusive behaviour from anyone. If someone puts their hands on you unwanted, or puts your life in danger in various other ways intentionally. Prosecute to the fullest!!!!
Lotsa hugz, Pamela
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Most of us seen this kind of situation from a family member going through it or ourselves. I grew with my mom getting bloody up and I was strong for her. I never gotten beat up but I've been push around. I'm 5'3. I have dated people twice my size 6 feet tall and above. I been threaten but I guess I didnt take as serious as it should have been. I get pissed when i look at talk shows and see girls getting beat up and batter or talking controlled of and talking about I still love him. This is a very real problem in the world. I'm fighting back. >:(
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Also thank you all for your support. Love you :-*
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Tini dont take shit from anyone!!! Your too cute! Too smart and you deserve more... :)
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Ashley, you don't love him. believing that you do is just part of the abusive pattern. how can you love someone that deliberately hurts you? it's not possible. love and abuse can't mix any more then oil and water can.
i really think that when women that are abused and they believe they love the abuser it's a mind game they play with themselves because it's easier to believe you love someone then to believe that you've been had. no one wants to believe they had the wool so firmly and simply pulled over their eyes... it's humiliating to admit such a thing to one's self. no one wants to believe that all the time and effort they put into a relationship was all for nothing. to come to the realization that you've been hiding behind the guise of love as an excuse so you can live with yourself must be so terrible a feeling that it's easy to just convince yourself that you actually do love the abuser. to accept that you don't really love him is to accept that you, an intelligent person, allowed yourself to be robbed blind and to accept that you, an intelligent person, allowed yourself to fool yourself into believing something that isn't so in order to live with yourself.
ok, so what. so you made a mistake. big deal. everybody makes mistakes. we're just human. the important thing is to accept that you screwed up and move on from there without brow beating yourself over it or feeling stupid because of it. even the wisest most intelligent person has been guilty of stupidity once in awhile... that's the nature of being a fallible human as we all are.
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." so, now that you're on your ass, pick it up and do what you already know you have to. the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's nowhere else to go from there but UP. no, it won't be easy. yes, you will have moments of doubt and weakness, and yes, it takes a lot of strength to go back up when you're down... but you have that strength. i don't even know you, but i know you have it because EVERYONE does. it's just a matter of choosing to use it for the climb. and you won't be entirely alone... when there's moments that you're clinging on by your fingernails and certain you'll drop, don't look down - look up... there are many hands to grab hold of to help you. all of us here would lend our hands. there will be people everywhere who will lend their hands. right now, this very minute, you can grab hold of mine because right now, this very minute, i'm giving it to you. TAKE IT... please.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
First, I would like to say that I have been in a relationship with my husband for seven years. Though we haven't been married but for five. When violence starts in a relationship, the female is generally too shocked to believe what is happening. Therefore, if this guy is really kicking her ass, she CAN'T fight back. Because you freeze. You can't believe that the person who you are supposed to be able to count on for Anything is doing this to you. The person who is supposed to love you more than anything, is hurting you physically. So to say that the woman should stand up for herself, it is next to impossible the first time it happens. However, there reaches a point (with most) when she will not take anymore. I went through this for years. The justice system has failed me more than once and I am esctatic to say that yesterday, my husband went to jail for a very long time. But ladies, you should always remember that until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you can not say what they should/shouldn't do.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Tini-
I am so happy that this negative person is now removed from your life. Take care and heal up my girl. We all love you here, and send you all our best thoughts and wishes.
Your now free to be who you want to be. :)
take care,
Lara :)
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Thank God for powerful women such as yourself TiNi.
Its you and those like you that break trail for those to come after you, I applaud your strength, and voice my sorrow that you were in such an incredibly dangerous situation - actually having CRASHED...I am stunned at the length this man went thru to get either your attention or scare you into listening to his levels of inadequacies.
There is a reason you survived, your children, your family and friends - those that love you and those you havent met yet that will also love you - sharing your experiences and lead by example.
You are an amazing woman, you are touching people with this story in ways you dont even know.
Glad you're still here.
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
havent heard from tini in awhile are you out there girl?
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
Wow...
I'm glad your ok. I was reading this, and I kept expecting someone to say "it's your fault" because I heard that for a LONG time.
My ex wasn't abusive, until we broke up! He used to get really violent when things upset him, and things upset him that most normal people wouldn't have thought twice about (like ordering two cokes at Wendy's, and getting three straws...umm, why get mad over too many?) except I had a power over him. I only had to say, "honey, calm down" and he'd snap out of it.
Then, I decided I'd like to move out of my parents house and into an apartment, he was upset I'd move out without him, and he wouldn't leave his dad who was old and sickly, and I did it anyways. It bothered him, but not too bad. Then, my parents bought me a car...he refused to ride in it, or do anything pertaining to it, because I hadn't asked him his opinion. Finally, my best friend was a stripper, he didn't know that. We'd been friends for 18 years, and he told me I couldn't talk to her anymore. I told her, and she said ok...when he's gone, well be friends again. She could see where this was going, I don't know why I couldn't.
One night, she had an arguement with her mom and came over to my apartment. He showed up a few minutes later, I think he'd been stalking my apartment. He kicked down my door. You would have thought I was cheating or something, the way he cried (actual TEARS) and screamed. Then something crazy happened. He picked her up, and threw her against a wall. Something in me SNAPPED! I hit him with a brass bookend. We beat the shit out of him, then took pictures to prove it. (two 98 lb girls beat up a huge guy, yeah right. we had to do something so he couldn't say he fell or something) Called the police and had him arrested for "criminal mischief"
AND I WENT TO JAIL FOR IT!!! I pressed charges for the door, and she pressed charges for battery. But, he claims because he broke out the digital camera, it was premeditated and we'd planned to do it. I went to detention center for 48 hours and 400hrs community service.
He had to do anger management classes, and pay me $250 fine for emotional distress. That's all.
After that, I got a restraining order. It didn't help. He broke into my apartment when I wasn't home, I was evicted for causing problems. Cut the top of my convertible and keyed it. Came by my job so many times I was afraid, so I was coming really early or really late so he wouldn't be waiting outside. Well, they fired me.
So, I started working with my best friend, and moved into my mom's house. Thank god I was sleeping in my sister's room while she was away, my mom had turned my room into a office when I moved out. They heard something and called the police. He had broken in, he had flowers and candy, and a really nice note he was going to give to me.
They found a gun in his pocket...with only two bullets in it.
The police said they couldn't prove he was intending to use it, unless he confessed. He has a permit for it because of his job.
So, I moved in with his friend who had just moved out of state. They had stopped talking because the way he was treating me, so when he called to offer his help, I asked him if I could hide out a little while. LOL, best thing that ever happened to me!!! The friend I moved in with and I have been together for a little over a year, and he is the best guy anyone could ever hope for. He supports me 100%, in anything I decide to do. He likes the idea of me dancing and is helping me learn insurances and banking (which is what he does) and he's helping me invest my money so I can go to college next year!!!
He loves me ;D ;D
xoxo,
Heather
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Re: Domestic Violence..... I'm not taking it anymo
McCain
I think that a lot of the guys that dancers are attracted to are guys who can't support themselves, especially the way that they are used to living (either because they are not smart enough or because of mental problem) and they think that if they lose their dancer girlfriend, they would have a hard time finding another girl and/or taking care of themselveswho will be so nice to them so they are extremely possessive, thinking that they will never be able to attract someone who is so good to them.
The flaw in their thinking is that many dancers are attracted to guys who are incompetent and/or abusive
In some of my observations, some of the dancers who were most responsible were attracted to the biggest losers.