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Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
I met a dancer a couple of years ago who I clicked with. We have great conversations and her dances are the best. We have seen one another outside the club several times for lunch or breakfast, innocent stuff, call one another to talk and send e-mails. Although I knew better I kept this relationship from my wife, eventhough it was innocent, until six months ago when I introduced her. My wife thinks that I was having an affair because I was spending time with another woman. I felt I was just hanging out with a friend who I clicked with who also happened to be hot and sexy. I didn't tell her becuase I thought this was the reaction I'd get given where she works. I've had relationships with women before that were just friends outside my relationship with my wife. I almost wish I had met my friend elsewhere but thats to late. My wife knows her now and has been in the club to see her many times with and without me, but still is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an affair?
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Unfortunately, this can be how the wife defines it. The information I have read indicates that many women define an affair as an "emotional" relationship issue as opposed to a sexual relationship.
Men are not allowed to have women as friends. Haven't you watched When Harry met Sally?
I define an affair as a relationship between two people - one of whom is married that detracts from the "sanctity of the marriage. The person having an affair is obtaining an emotional or physical fulfillment from an outside person that is usually provided by the spouse.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
My dancer friend is married too, and has kids like me. That was one of the reasons we liked one another so quickly, we exchanged stories about our kids...real life stuff...not fantasy stuff. I guess I am getting something emotional from her but isn't that normal in friendships? I kind of felt she's safe because she has kids, is married, and isn't trying to play the game with me...
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
How shall I put this, I think you are asking the wrong question. The question you are asking implies there is an absolute and correct definition of what is and isn't an affair, and maybe you are looking for a definition that vindicates you. Put that aside for a minute and look at it like this:
You are in a relationship with someone that you care about (I presume). You kept this outside relationship from your wife for whatever reasons, possibly because you yourself didn't know if it might turn into something more than friendship, possibly just because you knew your wife would be hurt.. Basically where I am going is this.
Put all the self-BS aside and be honest with yourself. There are two questions you want to answer:
1.) What were you full set of motives when decided not to tell your wife about this relationship with a dancer. Only you can answer this question and if you can't be honest with yourself nobody else can either.
2.) What if the situation was reversed? Your wife was seeing some male hunk stud muffin dancer on the side. Would you be okay with it - again, be honest.
I think it comes down to a very simple matter that there is no absolute definition of what is "affair" - it is a definition that is agreed upon by two people. You have to be honest with yourself what your boundaries are for you, what they are for your partner, and come to some agreement you can both live with. While technically I think I wouldn't call this an affair, what is more important is the damage (if any) that it does the relationship. You have to decide what is more important, your wants, or your wife's wants in this matter.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
This question is useless as it doesn't matter how we or, in fact, you define the word "affair". You kept this from your wife because you were already "planning" on how she would react. Your wife sees it as an affair. I believe that that is all that matters. She feels that you betrayed her, her trust in you, and the very basis of what most marriages are supposed to be built on. That is an affair...the fact that you started a relationship/friendship with another woman and hid that from your wife for so long. I don't think that she is angry that you met and began a friendship with another woman...but that you did so in secret from her. I would feel that same way...what's going on that I cannot know about? Next time, be a little more considerate of your behaviors.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Does the wife know or otherwise condone your going into stripclubs and getting dances? If not, this might be her way of connecting the dots and the anguish is being misplaced.
As far as an 'affair' goes, what defines 'cheating' isn't anything you or I or anyone on this forum can define. The true source of that definition comes from your partner using her measuring stick and belief system, so if this qualifies as cheating in her book, then it's cheating. This is the way you should breach these topics with your lover and work them out accordingly.
The fact that you didn't tell her up front already confirms that you had the notion your wife would look at this as such, so it appears the founding principles of the relationship were already at least partially known to you. There is obviously a difference in expectations between you and your wife, and the whether you wish to try and make her compromise, compromise yourself or try to find a happy medium somewhere is up to you.
But the bottom line is- your wife considers this kind of thing an affair and there is no amountof advice or 3rd party opinions that is going to reverse that feeling. So from her standpoint, you're going out and dining with strippers is the same to her as you having an affair.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Darren: mostly I was thinking of the differential of having a friend and having an affair. I know there are no absolutes and it depends on the relationship, but because of the intimacy of the club environment does mere friendship become something else? I think it can.
My wife and I have a great relationship and thats why she hasn't just left me, as I know many wives would, she has gotten to know my friend which is good, but she has asked my many of the questions you did. What was I looking for? When I first met my freind I went into the club with other people and wasn't really into the club scene...I wasn't looking is what I mean...but maybe we never are.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Ummm...having a secret intimate relationship with someone is cheating....SORRY, it doesnt matter if you have never even shook hands.
being intimate in anyway with someone can be cheating...it depends on how you and your wife define your relationship...i would be extremely pissed if I was her too...It doesnt matter if you were talking to a dancer or betty crocker...its still wrong...
Thats about all i have to say.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Quote:
Originally Posted by goldclubbing link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140314#msg14 0314 date=1090264604
My wife and I have a great relationship...blah, blah, blah
Uh, obviously you do NOT have such a great relationship. If you did, you would have been up front about your new "friend" and she would still be fully trusting you.
Seems to me that you just got caught "cheating" and are looking for ways to say, "SEE...I didn't do anything wrong!! Just look at the posts of these other people!"
Suck it up as a lesson learned. And incorporate this as well...if you love and respect your wife as much as you would like us all to believe, then get your head out of your ass and look at reality and THINK next time. Geesh.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Geeze VG you sound a lot like my wife in your response. Not a bad thing as I do believe I am deserving. I have never kept things from my wife except in this case, and know I wouldn't be happy in a reverse situation. It was because my friend is a dancer I just wasn't sure how she would react. In reality I thought she would be a fun friend for us both but because of where she worked I felt like I had to be deceptive. In retrospect it was wrong headed and a mistake and yes the trust thing has been hurt as a result. I never thought of it as an affair though but do see all of your points. Lesson for the future...
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
:D
My work here is done.
Go forth with forgiveness...and don't forget to write a check to "VENUSGODDESS" in the amount of $10,000.00...for my couseling services, of course.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Probably not unless she has a her stage name registered as a fictitious name with the the state, and a bank account for her "business."
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
I think Darren stated it best. It's all about the agreement between the couple in question.
To the original poster - hiding something in fear of hurting your partner in the first place implies that you had some idea that what you were doing would go against some rule in your r'ship. I guess in some cases, that is already crossing a fine line. I'm not saying what you did is necessarily classed as an affair, but likewise to infidelity, it is a breach of trust.
I believe that most of the viewpoints here are very insightful.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
I didn't bother reading the replies as it doesn't really matter.
You have rationalized in order to justify what you are doing. But what is it you are doing? You are having what is known as an emotional affair. It's that simple. Your wife doesn't think you're having an affair because this dancer is hot. It's because your behavior turns into that of a highschool boy with a crush. She senses that.
We needn't worry about being physically faithful. That will follow from being emotionally faithful. If you go out with a woman without admitting it to your wife first, then you are setting the groundwork to FUCK HER!!!!
..............I've been told I'm too blunt.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Originally Posted by MojoJojo link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140546#msg14 0546 date=1090286562
I didn't bother reading the replies as it doesn't really matter.
Hey!!! >:(
You dont matter either fucker :-\
just kidding :P
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Efficiency is just planned laziness.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Originally Posted by VenusGoddess link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140312#msg14 0312 date=1090264398
This question is useless as it doesn't matter how we or, in fact, you define the word "affair". You kept this from your wife because you were already "planning" on how she would react. Your wife sees it as an affair. I believe that that is all that matters.
Don't you realize that when you marry that you relinquish the right to define words! >:(
If you're the man, anyways. So there. :)
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
He has a wife, and see's another female on the side....Nuff said.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
A day without rationalization is like a day without sex.
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Sure I want to rationalize my desire to fuck this hot sexy dancer who is not my wife MoJo (good name by the way) but is that having an affair? I've admitted here that this feeling and my response is less than high school its junior high...but I don't care. Is she another woman on the side or WOW can she just be a friend? Just because these girls are naked does that make them less? NO!
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Is she another woman on the side or WOW can she just be a friend? Just because these girls are naked does that make them less? NO!
It is not my perspective that matters here. It is what your wife's will be when she finds out that you have been having "dates" with someone. "I didn't fuck her." isn't enough here. We (being men) seem to try to break it down this way. Women (for the most part, and in my personal opinion) do not see it that way - she would be angry that you like, hurt that you went "out", and would feel emotionally scorned.
That's it...I won't drone on. This is going to be one of those situations where I think, "Why don't people listen to me?" Good luck.
EDIT:
(so I lied....)
Quote:
The No-Sex (YET) Affair - Risky Business... She's fun to be around, she's easy to talk to, and she understands you on so many levels. Problem is, she isn't your wife. Your daily flirt-fest with her is a harmless mood booster, right? Within reason. But it can turn into an "emotional affair" rife with risk, says Shirley Glass, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and marriage therapist.
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/quizle...-0-549,00.html
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Originally Posted by goldclubbing link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140706#msg14 0706 date=1090305243
...but I don't care.
This is your problem right there....you said it yourself :(
And you say you are good to your wife? And you ahve a good relationship? PLEASE :-\
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
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Originally Posted by MojoJojo link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140604#msg14 0604 date=1090294175
A day without rationalization is like a day without sex.
can you get rationalization in bulk on Ebay?
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Re:Is seeing a dancer on a regular basis having an "affair"?
Quote:
Originally Posted by goldclubbing link=board=27;threadid=11165;start=msg140706#msg14 0706 date=1090305243
Sure I want to rationalize my desire to fuck this hot sexy dancer who is not my wife MoJo (good name by the way) but is that having an affair? I've admitted here that this feeling and my response is less than high school its junior high...but I don't care. Is she another woman on the side or WOW can she just be a friend? Just because these girls are naked does that make them less? NO!
O...M...G...you just totally pulled the most disrespectful response out of the hat. Hope you didn't say this to your wife...otherwise, I can almost guarantee that it just got Marked down on your fuck-up tally sheet she keeps in her head. She's been nice to you lately, huh? That's only because she wants you to feel extremely guilty and be more, shall we say, generous when her lawyer has you served with divorce papers and goes for 75% of all assets.
Are you really this stupid and senseless? Please tell me that because you are on a message board that you are joking. Because if you are not, then you are one of the stupidest men I have ever seen typing (next to SJ).
Let me clear something up for you. There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to a woman besides your wife. The problem lies in the fact that you were having clandestine contact with this other woman while you were having sexual feelings towards this woman. You most likely LIED to your wife what you were doing when you were meeting this other woman...so YES, IT'S CHEATING!!
BTW...of COURSE she's befriending the dancer NOW...most women would do such a thing...not because she's wanting to get in on the friendship...but because when women think they're friends, they begin to feel guilty...and are more likely to get lose with the lips and start confessing things. So, hold onto your belt buckle, there Romeo...if anything happened that so much falls out of the line of friendship...I would suggest you brace yourself for the aftershocks of a woman scorned. And start looking for your cemetary plot now...