is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
hi everyone, i'm new here, writing from glendale, arizona. i'm 22 and married. i look forward to discussion w/ everyone i come in contact with on this board. thanks for taking the time to read this post.
as my name suggests, i really want to be a stripper. its hard to explain, but, i've always wanted to since i was very young, despite how much my family disapproves of it. i figured when i turned 18 that would be one of the first things i'd do as an adult. but instead, i started dating my husband who has been an emotional roller coaster that i'm getting sick of, but i'm unable to support myself on my own. i know that exotic dancing makes good money and i liked going to the strip clubs in my neighborhood and was impressed by what the girls there can do. i'm a real exhibitionist and i like sexiness. i'm currently pursuing a start in the whole exotic dance thing by route of burleqsue. its fairly husband friendly. he approves of me doing burlesque and i can understand to a certain degree why he wouldnt want me to be a stripper. because you have to get close to guys for lapdances. but this really bugs me that he is so disapproving. first of all, he used to tell me that i shouldnt be a stripper because it would lead to drug use and prostitution. and recently when i've been wanting to do nude modeling, he says that basically i would be a disgrace to him.
so, until i divorce him and move out on my own, i know i'm not gonna be stripping, but i at least want to do some nude modeling. i've done some non nude glamour modeling in the past including topless w/ bodypaint and have actually posed nude for a well known artist whilst being married (@ his approval) for sketches. i realize that doing nude modeling can open the doors of opportunity for jobs and getting paid to model, which i havent been getting. i've been doing time- for- prints, sort of as a hobby.
i am trying right now to organize an intelligent argumentative presentation with him over this whole disapproval of me using my sexuality to make some money (he wont even let me be a phone sex actress), why what i want is not unreasonable given the circumstances and that his opposition is unreasonable. this is why i'm asking you guys for help, i just need someone to talk to me that supports my desires and can back me up. not personally, necessarily, but i just need reassurance. i need to know what to say to him that will make sense and hopefully not offend him, because i want his approval.
lately he's been saying things like if i want to do nude photos then i am just desperate, or, if you want to be a stripper, then fine, you can just go be a whore. i feel like my youth is slipping away from me and at 22, i know theres not much time left for me to cash in on my looks. and exotic dance and modeling has always been a quirky dream of mine. i would hate to look back on my life one day and think, damn, i wish i would have done that(what i wanted.)
i know that these issues are more a question of "is being married to this man really what i want to continue doing?" but for now i just want to point out to him how hypocritical he is to have this stance on the issue since he likes to go to strip clubs, buy lapdances (he actually got in trouble when i was with him for putting his hands on and kissing one of the lapdancers- she actually came to me at my work because we sort of knew each other, she was a customer at my store, to tell me not to let him near her anymore it made her uncomfortable), and get off on porn that he buys and look at nude photos on the net and in his porn magazines.
***how can he disapprove of me doing something that he himself wholly partakes in?***
he loves anything sleazy, motels, movies w/ sleazy subject matter, music with sleazy subject matter. his heroes are mickey rourke, tom waits and a band called my life with the thrill kill kult, which if you are familiar, they sing about strippers and such. we've been to nudist colonies in the nude, we've hung out with other couples in the nude at home, his attempt at getting us to swing, which actually led to him cheating on me. he has frequented gay bathouses, gay buddy booths, peepshows, porn arcades and strip joints on his own, weve gone to sex clubs, porn arcades together and fetish parties and particpated in the activities or had sex at those places.
apparently he has known some strippers that were friends, and they were all, according to him, crackwhores. he says he wouldnt date a stripper.
***so is it ok for him to partake of something in total disrespect of the women involved and enjoy himself? because thats basically what i'm interpretting. that he thinks strippers are druggy sluts unworthy of respect but its ok to buy lapdances from them and ***god forbid**, though he's not religious and considers himself "open minded", that his wife, who is open minded , *dare* pose nude in non hardcore, photos or work *even as a waitress* at a strip club.
and to be honest, i'd like to push the limits of working stripping by doing peepshows or "modeling sessions" at this place downtown that is not a strip club, but a place where you can pay $20 for a "modeling session. heck, i even want to try doing a live sex show or two in new orleans. and i was never molested as a child, i dont do drugs, i was never raped, i have average self esteem and i'm not trying to be rebellious. i just have this desire in me to do these things. maybe to just express my sexuality in general. i dont know what it is. but i think oing these things would be fun experiences to experience in the one life ive been given.
and one of these days, i dont know how old i'll be, but one day, i'll be able to support myself and i can be single and just do what i want. i've never been able to just do what i wanted. when i was 18 i moved out of mom and dads house into my husbands. ive been a "kept" woman ever since. it sucks, because i never wanted to be that. i had so many different things i wanted to do in my life. most of which i need to do while im still young and nubile.
if youve read this whole post, i really appreciate it. im sorry it was so long, but i have a lot of feelings and this matters to me.
thanks,
stripperwannabe
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Well babe, it sounds to me like this guy is exactly the kind of guy I dated when I was around 17, and let me tell you, if yours is anything like mine, saw screw em and leave! You should do what you want to do, because life is short, and who knows if or when you will ever get the chance to do it again. As for your husband, he sounds like a hypocritical asshole who needs a new tampon. Fuck him, who gives a shit what he thinks. If he were secure in your relationship, he wouldnt mind it. He is probably worried, because he knows what kind of men go in there..men like him, who put their hands on women. And you said you want to get out and support yourself..dancing is definitely a way to do that. You will make wonderful $, plenty to live off of, and you wont need him. Are you in love with him? Or do you just love him? Perhaps you should not be together for a little while, and then you can go explore. You wont be with him when you do it, so he cant be mad over that. And he thinks dancers are whores?!?! We work our asses off trying to please assholes like him, just to be able to pay our rent or put food on the damn table. Honey, you need to let go, and go DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. You wont be able to do it forever, as you said. Go shop around at some clubs, ask questions, let them know where you are coming from. Just do it!!!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT! :) If you want to do these things this badly, there is nothing or no one that can stop you. As long as YOU are happy with YOU, thats all that matters. Your husband isnt God, so he shouldnt be trying to judge you like that.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
I just reread your post again, and damnt I would kick his ass to the curb if it were me, and he were replaceable.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
kick his ass and get out of there.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
I would give him the boot as well. I dated a guy like this for about 9 months. He liked everything "dirty"-porn, strippers, whatever. Everything had to seem dirty for him to like it. He tried to lower my self esteem the whole time we were together-I guess to make me more sleazy/dirty as well. He would tell me how he used to see escorts, and how he had all this random sex with everyone in his youth, and that was okay, but god forbid I had had one night stands. I was a whore. I wanted to go back to dancing while we were together, but OH NO, that meant I was using him for his car (my car had died) because that's how strippers are. And every bar in the area was full of extras, which he knew because ALL the strippers let him touch them because they liked him that much (yeah right-they like his wallet).
Guys like that are NUTS. Just makes me so mad! Dump him and pursue your own dreams!
Fuschia
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Well, it sounds like you already made up your mind when you wrote, "so, until i divorce him and move out on my own", so I guess another "leave him!" comment doesn't really add anything. I think you shouldn't worry about your stripper shelf life at 22. You have at least 10-15 prime dancing years ahead of you as long as you take care of yourself.
While I do agree on some levels it's hypocritical, on others I can understand where your husband is coming from. He sees strippers and porn stars as mere playtoys/sex objects that cater to some primal need of his. But he has other needs, and he needs to have women in his life, like his wife, that he can love and cherish and respect. For him, you must be held to a higher standard.
Not all guys are like this. A lot are. Some guys are mature enough to understand it's just a job, not a lifestyle. Nobody that understand what the business is will say that it'll make you a drug addict or prostitute. That's ridiculous on so many levels. If you have a straight head on your shoulders (and it sounds like you do), then it's very easy to avoid all that.
I think dancing will solve many problems for you, most of which financial independence. I empathize with women who won't leave a man because she can't afford to. Dancing will give you so many opportunities if you capitalize on it fully. It's not unrealistic to make $100,000+ in a year if you work full-time (like 30-40 hrs a week). Think of all the money that you are not earning by being with this man!
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
A reply from a guy who has been known to watch dancers on a not infrequent basis, and who has been friendly enough with several to get a glimpse of life 'on the other side of the fence'.
Firstly, your husbund seems a not too pleasant piece of work and irrespective of your need to dance, etc., may well be better out of your life. As you say, there are things you want to do, and he's preventing you from doing that - yet we only get one life, and hence one chance to fullfil our asperations.
If you are an exhibitionist as per your post, then obviously the dancer lifestyle is going to bring you a fair bit of personal satisfaction, and good luck to you on that.
There's also a flipside to consider - being a dancer carries a fair bit of emotional baggage. You'll spend a fair bit of your working life in contact with a particular type of man, some of whom will not treat you with a great deal of respect. You'll also find there is a stigma attached to dancing - family, friends and neighbours may well have a very different attitude to you when they find out how you earn a living.
It sound like you have got a real emotional need to be a dancer, but before you divorce your husband and become one, I'd look at the downside of what you intend as well.
Phil W.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Personally I think your husband has some deep rooted issues and your marriage doesn't sound like a very healthy place to be. No-one died and made me God so I won't tell you what to do but just remember you only get one life, this isn't a rehearsal. Good luck and you know you can come on here and talk whenever you want. Take care hon.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Sweety, it really sounds like the best thing for you would be to dump this guy. Life is too short to put up with such bullshit. I can tell you right now, you could go dance in a club in Phoenix today and make enough cash to leave his ass...today. Pack your clothes, get a hotel, work for a week and get an apartment. It's sooooo easy. With the money you can make dancing, you definitely don't need to depend on some controlling insecure man such as this. You have been thinking about not wanting to have regrets later - I can assure you, from what you've said you will definitely regret staying with this dude. And you're still very young but you're right that the clock is ticking.
Another thing that troubles me about your post is that you say he has frequented all kinds of establishments where sex is the feature act. I have to wonder if he's using protection in these activities. I would hate to think he'd put your health in jeopardy over a sleazy romp...
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
wow, there were so many heartfelt responses from you guys, i dont know what to say.
but i want to let each one of you know that i really, really appreciate you reaching out to help me. it means a lot to me that you guys know what kind of guy i'm talking about. yeah, he's caused me a lot of stress in my life. enough to want to kill myself over him at certain points. i've talked to personal counselors in the past and other people close to me that really think i need to dump him and move on with my life. dancing is probably gonna help me earn a living the day i finally can make a clean break. and i realize its going to take a lot of muscle flexing in the courage department. i want to reply more but i've got to go get ready for my barely over minimum wage retail job at the mall. i really wish i was more independent. i have more to say later, but for now i just want to thank you all.
--stripperwannabe
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
I used to have a husband who shared many similarities with your 'piece of work'. The operative words are USED TO. If this guy has put you through enough psychological warfare to have brought suicidal thoughts to the fore, what are you waiting for ???
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Welcome to SW Wannabe,
I just got married this past summer. My husband and I have over a 10 year age difference. I'm younger. We've been together for over 6 years though. He's very supportive of my dancing. He is supportive because he is secure in my love for him, he's secure with himself!!!! ;) At one point after we got married it sounded like he wanted me to stop dancing. I was kinda of suprised. Turned out that he just wanted to make sure I kept growing in ALL realms of my life. Just not to focus on dancing and $$ making. But also pursuing creative things that I have a passion for. I did put foot down and said I thank you for giving me a push to get on the other things I want to do...but I will dance, I said because if I were not married to you, I would be dancing. And that's what I'm going to do and I ask that you respect that. He's fine now...and its all good.
I'm not at all saying that young girls are not strong...but I would have never had the courage to say that in my young twenties. For me, my strength has grown over time. I will say this, and my husband agrees. Stripping has empowered me and I was girly girl before and had worked out..but ever since I started dancing I took it to another level.
Also I don't party after work, I don't drink before I start working, I don't come from a broken family..I'm a college graduate and I have been out in the working world. I just got tired of making money for other people and being paid a measly hourly wage. Stripping fits my personality. oh and I don't do drugs.
People change over time and you got married very young. I'm not saying that for example, highschool sweethearts can't make a marriage work. But people grow and sometimes the other partner has fear of the their partner changing ...they feel like they are almost loosing control...and they'll say things like...you're not the person you used to be, or you've changed , I don't know you anymore. Well yes people grow...and if they don't then something fricken wrong with them! You have things in your life that you want to try...you may like it you may not. But if its something that you've always wanted to give a shot ... no ONE should hold you back.
Now I'm not about telling you to leave your husband. Marriage is work and you work through the bad times. But on the flip side...is this the person you always want to be with. Someone that holds you back because of his own insecurites? His own hipocracy? This is your life! You don't want to have regrets. You have to muster up the strength and level with him. If he can't deal with is then and trust in you...then what are you doing with him.
When men get this way..I believe they are trying to hold us women down. Funk that! (btw..I'm not some nazi feminist!) I believe its the strong women that can handle this job..with a few exceptions of course...this job is not for the meek! Most dancers I know are some of the most interesting, hardworking, empowered and beautiful women I've ever met.
Ok...I got a little passionate there at the end. But I'm so tired of the stigma tied to our occupation.
Best of luck..and be strong.
Amber88
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
Hiyas swb! Welcome to stripperweb.
This may come out a bit harsh, but it's probably the most honest post you'll read here.. }:D
Quote:
Originally Posted by stripperwannabe
i started dating my husband who has been an emotional roller coaster that i'm getting sick of, but i'm unable to support myself on my own.
Can anyone say "co-dependency" ??
This is an ugly way to look at your life. You're basically lieing to him because you feel you have nowhere else to go. He's basically controlling you because he knows you have nowhere else to go. Women get into these things very frequently. When you get older and start recognizing your own self-worth, you'll start to understand what you truly deserve- but until then, I'm betting you'll have a few relationships like this and any decent relationships you'll despise like a curse and push away.
Quote:
he approves of me doing burlesque and i can understand to a certain degree why he wouldnt want me to be a stripper. because you have to get close to guys for lapdances. but this really bugs me that he is so disapproving. first of all, he used to tell me that i shouldnt be a stripper because it would lead to drug use and prostitution. and recently when i've been wanting to do nude modeling, he says that basically i would be a disgrace to him.
Stop making excuses for him. It's insecurity and controlling behavior- plain and simple.
What does he have to risk with you doing what you want to do? The only risk is him losing you. If he doesn't trust you enough then see the previous "co-dependency" thing. Somewhere deep down, he feels you'll fly the coup the first break-away you find. His reasons are lies- his other behavior doesn't support him giving a damn about you. Look at his actions, not his words.
Quote:
i feel like my youth is slipping away from me and at 22, i know theres not much time left for me to cash in on my looks.
If you honestly feel this way, then you have NO business getting into stripping, nude modeling or any form of sex work.
Stripping can either be empowering or a curse. If you are so looks-based and put 100% confidence in your appearance, you'll make a miserable stripper. You'll pick yourself apart nightly, customers will pick you apart nightly, and you'll be in a constant "beauty" cycle. Girls around you will have implants, so obviously you'll need to get them too else feel intimidated. Every square inch of your person will be under a microscope and in the spotlight nightly.
Stripclubs, while they do indeed attract decent, lonely guys willing to tip and spend money on you, they also do attract the occasional misogynist jerks that love to poke and prod insults. If you're of the "I'm 22 and my time's almost up" attitude, one prick with a "you have a fat ass" will outweigh 100 decent men saying you have a perfect ass. You'll also ignore how many women in their 30's, loaded with flaws, banking 3-4x over the walking 20 year old surgery posterchildren that look like Britney Spears.
Quote:
he likes to go to strip clubs, buy lapdances ..(snip).. he loves anything sleazy, motels, movies w/ sleazy subject matter, music with sleazy subject matter. (..snip..) we've been to nudist colonies in the nude, we've hung out with other couples in the nude at home, his attempt at getting us to swing, which actually led to him cheating on me. he has frequented gay bathouses, gay buddy booths, peepshows, porn arcades and strip joints on his own, weve gone to sex clubs, porn arcades together and fetish parties and particpated in the activities or had sex at those places.
While there is nothing wrong with any of the above (except the bold cheating part), he's doing all this for the wrong reason. It's not to SHARE increased sexuality and sexual health with you, it's to get his jollies while you tag-along... as more of a burden than a participant.
He's regularly dictated to you that his highest priority isn't you- but where he dips his wick. You've decided to tag along for whatever reason, but you should start to recognize where this guy's motivations truly are.
Quote:
i was never molested as a child, i dont do drugs, i was never raped, i have average self esteem and i'm not trying to be rebellious. i just have this desire in me to do these things. maybe to just express my sexuality in general. i dont know what it is. but i think oing these things would be fun experiences to experience in the one life ive been given.
It's healthy to break away from the mold society has painted for women. Just be sure YOUR motivations are correct- self exploration and discovery, and not some form of trying to find recognition or prove anything.
It seems the situation you are currently in was appealing as it offerred some of this that you seek, but in the end- turned out to be drastically different than you originally hoped for. I agree if this guy has no regard for you (as your post clearly suggests), you need to break out of this arrangement and stop being a back-up plan fixture for some guy's sexcapades.
You'll be as beautiful at 32 as you are at 22. When you learn how to tap into that reality, you'll make an excellent career stripper, model or just about anything you set your mind to.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
polecat you nailed it!!
my $.02:
1. Madonna/Whore This guy sounds like he has the complex, where women aren't human but are either trophies or sex objects. It sounds like you're the Madonna and if you don't stay there then you fall into the other category. You're a human being and he needs to know that whether or not it bursts his bubble.
2. Hypocrite: Is it even a question?? You know that's what it is. His sex habits aside, he cheated on you. Wasn't THAT a disgrace?? Hurting people is not a disgrace to him but taking your clothes off and smiling is?? What kind of ethical code is that?? He doesn't sound open minded at all, he sounds like Pat Buchanan. If you can stick by him through cheating I don't see why YOU are the one walking on pins and needles! You're not asking for permission to hurt other people by doing what you want to do.
I don't want to disrupt your marriage. I think you need to have a frank discussion with him, the sooner the better. If he can't listen or understand then you remind him that he is open-minded.
Re: is my husband a hypocrite?(long)
I am a little concerned that he's going to gay bath houses .