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Courtroom Funnies
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ;D
Q: Are you sexually active?
> A: No, I just lie there.
> _________________________________
>
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July 15th.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
> __________________________________
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
>forgotten?
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
> that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
> occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> A: He's twenty
> _____________________________________
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
> which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A:Oral.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was laying on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
> ______________________________________
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> ______________________________________
>
> AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> somewhere
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
:rotfl:
that's too funny!!!....then again...it's kinda scary how many stupid people there are when you think about it...
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
LOL, people, excuse me, attorneys, can be really dumb sometimes. (No offense to anyone here who may be an attorney or married to one. If you have a problem, call my lawyer.)
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
They each have a one in a million chance of becoming human.
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
"> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> somewhere.
I've seen this list for years...and it never fails to amuse me.
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
The classic, (and true), legal story from the UK concerns F.E. Smith, who later became Lord Birkenhead.
Sometime in the mid 30's Smith was instructed to act in a very complex fraud trial. Towards the end of the trial and with the agreement of the opposing lawyer, Smith proceded to give a masterly and concise summation of the points of law at issue. The judge was not one of the sharpest brains on the bench and complained to Smith that he was "none the wiser".
"No my Lord", replied Smith, "but you are better informed".
Phil W.
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Re: Courtroom Funnies
I was told that the guy who was representing the Voyeur Dorm got called over one night when the cops came. He had to take a piss. He went in the bathroom and pissed. He didn't realize that there were cameras EVERYWHERE. I'm sure whoever was watching Voyeur Dorm at that particular time was in for a not so pleasant surprise.
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Re: Courtroom Funnies