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Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
My very good friend that I dance with has a major dilemna and I am very worried for her. Last night one of her regulars came up to our club looking for her.
She wasn't working that night so the regular told the receptionist that he is her boyfriend and she was waiting for him, so he needed her phone number. Obviously the receptionist would not give it to him, so he asked her if he could confirm he that he was her man. He then told the receptionist my friend's ADDRESS AND APARTMENT NUMBER!!!
Now T has never given any personal info to this guy. She has always had a creepy feeling about him, but he spends a couple of hundred on her about 2x a month, so she continues to dance for him. He does not know her real name and even referred to her by her stage name to receptionist.
She found this out late last night, the club called her and told her. Her car is not registered in her name and she's only lived in this apartment less than one month. I had her call my cop friend with this info and he told her the only way this guy could have found her was by following her home one night.
So about an hour ago, he knocks on her door and says, "hi T, is this ok?" He is still referring to her by her stage name. Of course she tells him no, and to leave. She also told him she doesn't think its appropriate to see him in the club any more. Psycho asked if she will still dance for him and she said no.
This poor girl, she has so much shit going on in her life right now, and this happens. I want to help her. I sent her back over to my cop friend to see about getting her some security.
Her apartment is gated, so the dude probably followed someone inside to get to her door. BUT, the scrollbox on the apartment has the tenant's last name associated with the apt. #, so he may now know her last name.
I told her I'll come spend the nights with her and my stun gun and pepper spray.
I also told her she needs to tell our club management about this so they can keep this guy out of the club if he tries to contact her again.
What else can I do to help her? She doesn't know this guy's last name so she can't get a restraining order. Besides, its too soon for that I think.
Can't you guys give me some advice? Please? Thanks so much in advance for your feedback?
Ladies, be careful, this could be any of us! Go with your instincts! Sometimes its not worth the money if the customer creeps you out. She is crying so hard right now because she felt that she brought it upon herself by continuing to dance for him:'( :-[ >:(
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Oh my god! I am so sorry for your friend, poor girl!
I think a good idea would be to file a repert of violence or abuse from this guy so they can have a cruiser sitting outside the building.. But maybe they'll think that a slutty stripper deserves nothing.. I don't know. For girls in this business it is so hard to be safe and protected. How about following him home and egging his house? Or doing something nasty to his car?
I know, I know, I think of terrible things.. But why not screw this guy over for good? I was never a believer in punishing with kindness.. For me it's revenge all the way.
Obviously it would be best to start by asking the club not to let this guy in at all, or better yet, switching clubs for just a little bit.. To ween him off
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Oh, I did tell her to inform her apartment management so maybe they got his car on video surveillence, or they can take her last name off the scrollbox.
The worst thing, when she got the call last night, her big burly friend was over, and he told her "that's what you get for being a stripper and leading guys on!" So she kicked him out. He's supposed to be the best friend of her brother who just passed away...way to look out for her.
AND....I mentioned it to my regular today (he's in a different city and doesn't know her) and he said the same thing, almost. He says that's what we get for telling guys we might go out with them with no intention of doing so. Fucking men, unfuckingbelievable!!!!!!
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
I think she should mention to her apartment manager that there has been someone following her around so that signs will be posted for people to look out and not let unknown people in.
Also, see if the club has any receipts from the guy's CC that you could find his full name on. Your cop friend giving the guy a talking-to on the phone would probably settle him down a bit.
Even more than refusing the guy entry to the club again, I'd want them to find out his name if he comes in again for this reason (letting your cop friend or someone else remind him it's not just his little fantasy world)--most important is to make the guy realize his whole life is at risk if he pursues your friend any further.
I agree it's probably too early for a restraining order, but you DO want to bring this guy back to reality as quickly as possible--following a dancer to her home is pretty scary stuff.
EDIT: Oh, you already told her to tell the apartment manager I see...
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
I think finding out where he lives might be a good idea, or atleast getting his na,e off his ID the next time he tries to visit the club.
That's great that you are going to stay with her to see what happens.
I hope someone else has some better advice.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
omg. i guess make sure there is ALWAYS someone with her 24/7 if possible.
also, make sure she disposes of her RUBBISH carefully....otherwise hecould be a real phsyco and go thru that as well, and find out more on her.
i hope everything turns out ok. this is horrible
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
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Originally Posted by Katrine
I told her I'll come spend the nights with her and my stun gun and pepper spray.
Ok Annie Oakley,dismount!!!
Your heart is in the right place but i want to shoot off a red flag that i saw when i read your post.
Why not have her spend the night with you ,instead of you with her.Doesnt make alot of sense to put two ladies in a situation.
I agree with the measures others have posted about where she works,I also think your friend needs a do over,a whole new place to leave her footprints and call home,that one is no longer safe IMO.
She also needs to figure out how he did it so it wont happen again.
Hope it all works out.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Since this guy still refers to her by her stagename, he's obviously simply followed her home one night and now knows where she lives.
There is no telling if this guy is a pyscho or just some PL/RIL with too much time on his hands. Luckily, the approach for both cases is the same.
Your friend needs someone large to pursuade this guy that it's not in his best interests to pursue this any further. Also, the very next contact she has with this guy has to be strong and unwaivering- the honeymoon is over and he's no longer welcome at/near her home and she will not dance for him. The club in question should also stop admitting him with the understanding that he has crossed a line and is no longer welcome. All three elements need to be present in order to send a clear message and prevent future issues.
A restraining order may or may not be warranted depending upon how this guy responds. If he's troubled in the slightest, it'll be mandatory. Your friend really needs to start finding a GOOD lawyer now as some areas will require a bit of legal entanglement in order to get one issued with a simple door visit. It all depends where/what city this occurred within.
Most of the time, a few bouncers or a large friend with highly pursuasive means will shut these things down before they go any further. Psycho's and female predators do have one thing in common- they are all pansy asses when it comes to their own personal safety or injury. It doesn't take much to get them to move on to easier/safer prey.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
It used to make me nuts when somebody in my building would let strangers in. DEFINITELY have the apt. managememt post reminders to the tennents not to let in anybody they don't know.
Good point about the trash. I just read a book called "your secrets are my business" written by a PI about how to protect your privacy. She should shred up or burn or somehow otherwise dispose of all junk mail, credit card reciepts, and anything else that has any personal info. Even store reciepts where she paid with cash. IF psycho boy figures out that she shops at the same walgreens most nights of the week, he can jsut as easily wait outside for her.
Also, I know that most cell phones and cordless phones used to be on frequencies that were easy to monitor on a police scanner. I don't know if this is still true, but you should ask your cop friend about it. They changed the way scanners are made in the late 1990's so that they do not come form the store ready to pick up those frequencies, but you can modify them. also, an older one has no restrictions on what it can pick up. MAke sure she has an ordinary plug-into-the-wall corded phone to make it harder for an evesdropper.
I know that book had lots more information than I can remeber at this moment.
The same thing happened to me years ago. Eventually he just disappeared. I never even knew who he was. Good luck to your friend. Let us know how it goes!
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Unfortunately I can't be too comforting here. For the guy to follow her clandestinely home suggests a potential degree of obsession above and beyond the call of duty. Also suggests low social skills - if I were trying to invite a dancer out the last thing I'd think of doing would be to turn up on her doorstep.
The first question is what is this guys motivation? Is he just a social inadequate reading more into the situation than is warranted, or is it more of a problem than that? I guess the first question you have to establish it whether this man is an annoyance or a serious threat.
I'd be wary about the suggestions of large gentlemen issuing this guy warnings at the moment. That sort of idea can occasionally get out of hand. If the problem is coming from a socially inadequate type then he may just give up or get fixated on someone else.
Another question is did your friend give this guy anything that he might have construed as encouragement? He was $400 a month income to her - was she giving the impression she liked him rather than just saw him as income? If the encouragement's been withdrawn, maybe he'll give up. (I'm not trying to be critical, just trying to give you the male perspective).
I suspect your best short term solution is the suggestion to see if the club has any credit card receipts, etc., that could identify him. If they are decent employers then a stern letter saying that the club views with concern any customer following dancers home from the club and that the dancer in question is highly upset over the incident would start the ball rolling. If he still tries to contact her after that then it's part of the evidence for a restraining order.
Getting your friend to stay with you for a few days also seems good advice. It'll be a great comfort to her.
Finally, I appreciate the dilemma your friend was in - it's easy to say stop dancing for a guy because he makes you nervous, but then $400 per month is a useful boost to her income. It's damn easy to be wise after the event. Creepy in the club does not imply foreknowledge that he was obsessed enough to find out where she lives. This guy is the arseh*le, not her.
Best wishes...
Phil W.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil-W
I'd be wary about the suggestions of large gentlemen issuing this guy warnings at the moment. That sort of idea can occasionally get out of hand.
If the guy shows up at her house, it's already out of hand.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Oh god. She should move and change her phone number...nowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
I really don’t understand why everyone is saying its too early to get a restraining order.
He followed her home---> STALKER
He pretended to be her boyfriend to get further personal information ---> STALKER
He then shows up at her door!!! ----> DANGEROUS STALKER!!!!
This is all the legal definition of a stalker is it not. When is it “proper timing” to get a restrain order?? When she goes missing?? OH YEAH, sorry I forgot, we wouldn’t want to over react to someone stalking, we might insult them.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Katrine.......... Here is what you do:
Make a police report. You cannot get a restraining order yet, just because the judge wont pass it becuase there isnt enough evidence. I beleive he is dangerouse, and should have a order against him, but it has to go through court, and they probably wont. But Its not a bad idea to speak with a lawyer, just in case he proceeds to try to contact her. Have her stay at your place, take the long way there in case he is spying. Once she speaks with the police, they should give her some good advice. I've never been close to having a stalker....
GIRLS --- BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never tell a customer you will see them. When they ask, I say I have a boyfriend, I'm busy, I cant go, Im a lesbian, Or be strait forward. Say: I dont do that, even if you paid me a million dollars... Anyway, Good Luck, and be safe Katrine.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Yea, in most states you can't get a restraining order until an act of violence has already occurred. The law is reactive, not proactive.
Katrine, she needs to move and have absolutely no contact with him at all.
The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, is a great book.
Lena
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Stalking does not have to involve violence. Now in many states all it takes is 2 or more incidents designed to threaten or intimidate. That has already happened. And now that I've said that, the problem is that many times the authorities are reluctant to go through the effort it takes to open a case, go before a judge, etc etc, especially if the victim in question is not considered a 'nice girl'. Its shitty, but the unfortunate truth. Do you guys live in a city or smaller town? Bigger police departments and courts will deal with this kind of thing more and are probably more likely to offer help and be useful.
Definitely have her call the police and file a report, even if she can't get a restraining order yet it will start the paper trail so if he won't back off she'll have proof that it's a pattern and be able to get it as soon as she's eligible. And if he keeps showing up the cops can even hang out and wait for him and make an easy arrest.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Your friend is being stalked. She needs to file a report about this man and continue to file reports in the event he continues to harrass her. Tell her to keep careful records, these will help tremendously in the event that a restaining order or arrest need to occur.
She might consider getting a dog as additional protection for her apartment . We adopt out K9 trained dogs from time to time so she might consider contacting the local K9 unit to see if the have any dogs available.
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend .
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
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Originally Posted by Katrine
Unfuckingbelievable!!!!!!
Totally unfuckingbelievable. Just reading that scared the hell out of me. It's why I have my gf call me on the way back from the club until she's safely inside.
Kat, please don't let your friend go back to her place. If she can't stay with you, she may be able to stay with friends or family. Above all else, she needs to feel safe right now, and that will be hard as long as this psycho knows where she lives.
She should also file an immediate police report which your cop friend can help her with.
Oh, and please tell her that she should never blame herself for some pathetic asswipe stalking her.
I am really glad that you are there to help her. Please let us know how this all works out.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Sweetie,
This is so scary, but I definitally agree with what all the other girls r saying. Have her pack a bag and stay at your place for a little while. Talk to the police immediataly, and insist that they somehow document it so that the paper trail can start, sadly police are sometimes reluctant. Also talk to the bouncers/bartenders immediataly, and make sure that the next time the guy comes to the club they look at his id when he's trying to come in, and then they copy down the information on it. This might mean you or her, although I'm wary to have her go back there, have to be there at the time to identify him, but it will be important to know atleast his full legal name for future legal protection. Also warn the other dancer you know about him, so that hopefully they can avoid him too. Please keep us updated, and let us know if there's anything we can do. Take care of yourselves.
Peace,
Dancing Girl
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
I think for a little while it might be good for her to stay with a friend. She needs the emotional support as well as the feeling of security. Can she move? switch apartments in the complex? anything? It's nice that its a gated community, but obviously, there are tricks.
This is not the end of the world, however, and she needs to know that this can be fixed. Don't let her freak out and get paralyzed by this guy's attentions. Obviously he can't be let into the club anymore, and so all the bouncers, managers, and door people need to keep him out.
When I was working club til closing, the girls and I always went and at an early breakfast at one of the nearby diners. People could still follow you home, but they'd have to wait a really long time, and it might be easier to keep an eye on who is staying suspiciously parked in the parking lot.
Depending on the size of the city, and the degree to which this guy might be dangerous (obviously he's delusional to some degree if he said he was her boyfriend, and knocked on her door to ask if that was okay, instead of just asking her in the club.)
I don't know all of the details, but she might consider moving her apartment or to another city or club. She could even travel overseas and dance at the clubs there for a little while to give the guy the impression that she'd moved.
She might also have to tell her landlord the whole story, which might be uncomfortable is they don't know her job.
Good LUCK! Shitty bastards. Hopefully the cops can help her rack up some stalking charges.
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark W.
Your friend is being stalked. She needs to file a report about this man and continue to file reports in the event he continues to harrass her. Tell her to keep careful records, these will help tremendously in the event that a restaining order or arrest need to occur.
She might consider getting a dog as additional protection for her apartment . We adopt out K9 trained dogs from time to time so she might consider contacting the local K9 unit to see if the have any dogs available.
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend .
Mark, What happens in the event that the perp's name/address/id is unknown? How do you file a report about that? I know no one can file a report about a "John Doe".
I agree that your friend should stay with you, Katrine. Her home has now been proven ineffective in keeping her safe. If this guy is that obsessed with her, then knowing he can easily slip into a secured building is not exactly a secure feeling. He by-passes the most effective security measures...do you really think a regular door is going to stop him once he gets in? She needs to pack up and move out. Have her talk to the building management...if they know that she's in "danger" than they may be extremely willing to help her move without incidence.
She also needs to be aggressively varying her route to and from work...or anywhere. You should never take the same route two times in a row. Different route to your destination and different route home. Becoming FAMILIAR with the ENTIRE city or town you live in is a must. Not only for route changing, but so you know which streets don't "dead end" in an emergency.
If this guy comes in to the club again...you do not need to get a hold of his ID. It might scare him off (which is good), but he doesn't need to show it to anyone. What you DO need is the car license plate...make, model, and color of the car he drove. Police can use that info to track him down. Your girlfriend can also use that info to look over her shoulder. The scariest part right now is that he is an unknown. No one knows his name, vehicle, or anything else about him. Getting concrete "evidence" about who he is will help your girlfriend to take proactive measures against him.
Good luck, sweetie!! Take care of yourself.
P.S. Mark's idea of a K9 dog is a GREAT idea!! My friend had one years ago...the BEST dog EVER!!
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Dammit...hit the delete post button instead of the quote button. Here is what Wiseguy_TX posted:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiseguy_TX
Here is what I was going to say:
Those are GREAT, informative sites!!
Sorry bout that!!! :*(
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
katrine- what kind of jerks are those dudes you both know that told you she derserved that?!
lena- i have that book. it is good. so is the follow up book (forgot the title but it's about parental instinct)
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Can you talk to club management, get this guy's picture/description to other clubs? Might make an impression if he was banned from every club (and escort service, if he uses them) in the city! I don't see any owner having an issue with the ban once they hear the story!
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Re: Stripper in Trouble-Need Urgent Advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katrine
My very good friend that I dance with has a major dilemna and I am very worried for her. Last night one of her regulars came up to our club looking for her.
She wasn't working that night so the regular told the receptionist that he is her boyfriend and she was waiting for him, so he needed her phone number. Obviously the receptionist would not give it to him, so he asked her if he could confirm he that he was her man. He then told the receptionist my friend's ADDRESS AND APARTMENT NUMBER!!!
I knew one dancer in a similar situation. Got so bad she had to change clubs, but he tracked her down to the new club also and some how found out where she lived (I assumed by following her home) and used to leave notes on her door as the clubs had already banned him. Her father the ex cop and myself both advised her to get a license to carry a firearm and take some lessons. I took her to the range and she loved it. Long story short, the stalking continues and gets worse, cops can’t/wont do anything about it, and she gets her license and knows the basics. 2am she gets out of her car one night and there he is. He walks toward her and she says “don’t come any closer I have a gun” and he ignores that (I always assumed he didn’t believe her) and keeps walking toward her. She pulls her gun, takes the no nonsense “I know what I am doing with this thing” stance she was taught and according to her “he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes were as large as dinner plates, and he turned around and ran like hell and I never saw him again.” She called the cops and reported it, and they told her she was well within her rights and acted accordingly. Something to consider. An article I posted earlier:
WOMEN, 911 AND GUNS
American women are often taught to rely on emergency 911 police
responses in the event of physical aggression. Unfortunately, more
than 95 percent of 911 calls are not dispatched to police in time to
stop a crime or arrest a suspect.
This sad statistic is unlikely to improve significantly in the near
future because almost every state has ruled that police have no legal
obligation to protect citizens from crime.
The slowness of 911 emergency response -- and the ineffectiveness of
restraining orders issued by today's courts -- suggests that
self-defense may be a better option, according to attorneys Richard
Stevens, Hugo Teufel and Matthew Biscan.
"A woman with a firearm...can credibly threaten and deter an attacker
of any size, shape, or strength," they write in THE WOMEN'S
QUARTERLY. "Even though weaker and unskilled in the use of firearms,
she can sometimes protect herself with a sidearm without firing a
shot. In more than 92 percent of defensive gun uses, the defender
succeeds by firing only a warning shot or never firing the gun at
all." (The article is excerpted from their chapter in the Independent
Institute book LIBERTY FOR WOMEN: Freedom and Feminism in the
Twenty-first Century, edited by Wendy McElroy.)
The above may help explain why, in recent years, women have
reportedly purchased firearms and enrolled in gun-safety classes in
record numbers.
Stevens, Teufel and Biscan conclude: "Individual women in peril quite
frequently fare better when they develop skill and confidence in the
carrying and using of defensive firearms. Victim disarmament ("gun
control") laws that discourage women from developing the skills and
using defensive firearms actually heighten the risks of criminal
violence that women face. Such laws place women at a disadvantage
against violent men and run against the feminist goal of equal
treatment under the law."
See "Disarming Women," by Richard W. Stevens, Hugo Teufel III, and
Matthew Y. Biscan (THE WOMEN'S QUARTERLY, Summer 2002)
http://www.independent.org/tii/light...ink4-30-3.html
A longer version of this article appears in LIBERTY FOR WOMEN:
Freedom and Feminism in the Twenty-first Century, edited by Wendy
McElroy. See http://independent.org/tii/content/briefs/b_lfw.html