Learning to be assertive without being agressive
OK, I have PLENTY of confidence on stage or during lapdances and I have no problem at all making conversation.
I do have a problem bringing up the "sale" part of the job.
See, I know how much guys hate "wanna buy a dance" and I know that a lot of them don't want to feel like the only reason you're sitting there is to wait for the moment you are going to take some of their money.
I need to do something because financially I'm suffering because of this. I KNOW I could be making more money, but I'm messing up. How can I get over feeling like those people who mob you in a store trying to make a comission sale?
Maybe I was raised to be too polite, because I feel rude asking someone to buy something from me and even worse if they say "no" and I get up and leave becasue they didn't spend any money on me. Some girls can get away with being demanding and telling guys what to do...but I can't do it.
I just need to be making more than 100 bucks in a 7 hour shift...
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Well, here is what we can do. Whenever I do a coaching session with someone asking about sales assistance, the first thing I do is ask them what I'll ask you. Address the three most common types of resistance you are getting. Why are customers saying "no" to you? I mean REALLY pay attention to what you are saying that leads up to a "nah, perhaps another time" from your customer. When we better learn what your strategy is now, we can better figure out how we can make it better.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Heaven, one thing that will help you get over that is to realize that customers come into clubs to watch the pretty ladies get naked. Asking them if they want a dance is just like the waitress asking if they want a drink--if you were serving drinks you wouldn't think, "Oh, jeez, if I ask this guy if he wants another Bud he's going to think I'm all about the money, blah blah."
And why on earth would you feel bad for leaving the table if the guy doesn't want a dance or isn't spending? If you told a salesperson you weren't interested in something, would you rather they hang out with you for free? No, it would be annoying and you'd be like, "I already told you no, so leave." And again, the waitress doesn't feel obligated to stay at a table if they're not ordering drinks.
You will get used to it.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Wow Susan...you really changed my perspective. THANK YOU. I never thought of it like that, at all. Your post really makes me feel better about trying to SELL rather than being worried about politeness.
DW- My problem is that I never cross the bridge from hanging out to sales person. Mostly I just wait to see if they ask. Or I find the guys who approach me on the stage asking for dances. The most I've done so far (two weeks working, so still new) is say "Have you gotten any dances tonight?....Would you like one?"
Hmmm...I can see myself getting better at this already...*visualises self selling lap dances*
P.S. 200th POST YAY!!!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
I am managing to prove to myself that I can be assertive at getting dances if I want to be and get the men to buy. But it means that I have to be confident and forward. Being a wallflower gets me nowhere.
I approach men and look them straight in the eye while asking for a dance. I am all flirts and smiles but my posture and body language signal that I am less than willing to back down (I stand tall, straight posture, body facing them). I like to call it sweet assertiveness. It's like a non-threatening confrontation. If they say no to me, I will take a step closer to them, I might even put my arms around their waist and gently squeeze them and will ask again or reason with them, but I do not retreat. I have a few lines I use to the most common answers I get and it can soften their attitude. If at this point I get men hesitating with their response, this is normally when I try to quickly close the sale. It may sometimes mean that I have to take a more forward approach and just try and lead them to the LD area, but my method seems to work very well for me. But if they are adamnant they don't want to dance, I will leave or else it can look aggressive.
Being good at this sometimes means that you have to be brave and just follow your own lead. You don't always have to wait for the ''yes'' words to come directly out of their mouth or be at their beck and call. There are times that just saying to the person ''So when are you dancing with me?'' or ''OK, let's dance now'' (i.e. not giving them much of a chance to say no) are better options. IMHO, assertiveness is the name of the game, but it does take practice.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Somebody taught me this in another sales job. It is a great attitude to have:
There has been a horrible mistake made somewhere in the universe. Somehow, this person facing me has MY money in HIS pocket. Now it is MY responsibility to figure out how to get it back!
It may sound aggressive, but wehn you take the attitude that the cash in the custy's pocket is actually yours, you will feel much better abuot asking for it!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
I understand what you mean. When your sitting with them, it seems like there should be a beginning, middle, and end. Sit with them and make a little small talk, try to gain the sale, and if declined......it feels empty if you just walk up a leave. During daytime ,when I was working and we had to sit with them ,I would order myself a soda(Usually they offer !). I would make sure that I had a little bit left for after I ask for the sale. IF they accepted then I leave the drink and head to the back ofcourse. IF not, I finish the drinkslowly(I took about a minute) then say ok well if you change your mind let me know I will be around for a while. This way it did not look like I just left, I simply finished my drink. Also, If you are working nights, and can get away with standing, flirting a little, and then cutely asking for the sale, i would try that. Less time more money. Good Luck!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
oh yea and I do a tiny bit more small talk while finishing this drink for a minute.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Also when you have been a dancer most you're life, you learn who is into you, and who is not, and who you can make get into you!
I always would eye the place for men looking at me for one. I knew the guy seen me and had an open door to say hi to him with a polite hand shake.
A group of guys, a tad harder, they want to play around it seemed. So i would introduce myself, stay a few minutes getting names and tell them i will be hitting the stage, and after i will be on the floor, please check me out on stage...What would you like to see?
This kinda made it easier to get into a group of guys. The customers who are alone..always easy.
What i learned is to give them what they want, but first show i could get down on stage, most dancers did not do this i noticed. But hell i asked what they wanted inside the club of course. Also i was a contact dancer, and that right there made it easier for me. Some dancers did not allow friction, or thigh touching, i did.
But what works for one club may not work for another. A dancer either. I guess i was just having fun and saying "fuck it" i am going after it!!!!
Good luck,
Pamela
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heaven777
OK, I have PLENTY of confidence on stage or during lapdances and I have no problem at all making conversation.
I do have a problem bringing up the "sale" part of the job.
See, I know how much guys hate "wanna buy a dance" and I know that a lot of them don't want to feel like the only reason you're sitting there is to wait for the moment you are going to take some of their money.
I need to do something because financially I'm suffering because of this. I KNOW I could be making more money, but I'm messing up. How can I get over feeling like those people who mob you in a store trying to make a comission sale?
Maybe I was raised to be too polite, because I feel rude asking someone to buy something from me and even worse if they say "no" and I get up and leave becasue they didn't spend any money on me. Some girls can get away with being demanding and telling guys what to do...but I can't do it.
I just need to be making more than 100 bucks in a 7 hour shift...
OK - the male customer point of view.
Firstly, we do into a strip club looking to buy dances - so you are already in a sellers market. The trick is to make sure that it's you doing the selling, and not some other girl.
Secondly, all men have different preferences as to their ideal woman, and the dancer selected tends to conform largely to that ideal. Selection/rejection is not necessarily personal, but how you conform to that ideal.
Thirdly, you've got to remember that men come into strip clubs looking for a fantasy. The real you is unimportant - how many of these guys are you going to meet OTC - 0.0001%? You have to conform to the steroetype of a dancer, not be yourself. For example you want to make $$$, but you've got to leave the guy thinking that you've got strong exhibisionistic tendancies and are getting a thrill dancing in front of him. (Your private thoughts might be very different - but then you're only going to share those with your fellow dancers aren't you?)
The "wanna dance" syndrome is a real turn off for me and most guys - you have to spend suffficient time with us to convince us that you might have slightly more personal motives - that you might even like us a bit. Get some books on body language and check out the section on flirtation/courtship gestures - behave accordingly.
For example, we only normally only let a stranger get within 6" of us when we are flirting - so sit within 1" of him. Lay your hand briefly on his forearm - another flirtation signal. Hold his gaze of 6 seconds or more - yet another flirtation signal. In other words learn to fake your body language so that the guy thinks you are personally attracted to him.
The "wanna dance" syndrome comes in part, (IMHO), from trying to close the sale before you've flirted enough. Sure, every guy who comes into a strip club knows it's an illusion, a fantasy, but you've got to leave enough doubt that he thinks there might be an element of truth in it.
If you chat for long enough before asking for a dance, it gives the impression you might be interested in us peronally - if you chat for too short a time it gives the impression you are only interested in our wallet. This time period will vary from guy to guy. A strip club regular will probably expect a relatively short "chat-up", a newbie a slightly longer one.
From your point of view you want to chat/flirt for the minimum amount of time it takes to get the sale and leave the guy feeling like he's not been hustled into a dance. You're probably best erring on the side of too much chat than too little chat, (as any sale is better than no sale), but over to your fellow dancers for advice on that front.
Different dancers have different sales strategies. You have to pick one that suits your personality. If you try to be sonething other than yourself, (or your dancer persona), you'll come across as false and contrived.
For example, if you're a newbie, tell the guy you're nervous and thank him for putting you at ease. Hint that he's a far nicer person that some of the other customers you've talked to - make him feel good that you like talking to him.
Don't feel rude asking for a dance - that's why the guy is in the club!!!! Don't worry about rejection either. No dancer has a 100% success rate - just set yourself a realistic target: 1 in 8 customers? 1 in 6 customers? Again, over to your co-dancers for what's a realistic success rate. Over time you'll learn to maximise your "hit" rate.
Good luck...
Phil.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
thanks for that post phil..... very helpful!
heaven, i totally know where your coming from......thanks for starting this thread! i'm quite confident, but for some reason, when it comes to asking for a dance...i just can't do it! i'll actually talk for 5+ mins, then walk away without asking.....WTF??! i get complimented all night long, yet i am still scared of.......well, i guess its simply a fear of rejection. but why?!
i know i could be making alot more money than i do..... i do need to keep in mind that i didi just start dancing 3 months ago..... it does take practice.
love to take a Dancer Wealth seminar....however, i'm in melbourne australia and i don't think we have that here.
but i have found that playing the game of 'how many 'no's ' can i get?' is helpful......at least to just get in the habit of asking.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishka
thanks for that post phil..... very helpful!
My pleasure, but please remember it's my personal take. You need a few other opinions to compare against.
Phil.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
If all else fails, jsut force yourself to ask for the dance. A good transitional phrase is --Hey, a now song is starting. Thisis anAWESOME song! Lets have a dance! it's quick, easy, and doesn;t need any special lead in.
ALso there is a post abut yes questions somehere in this forum. THe pitch is Do you like naked girls? (yes) Do you like to look at naked gorls (yes) do you like to touch nakid girls? (yes) Woudl you like to look at and touch THIS nakid gir (YES!!!) That works great on busy nights. Intorduce yourself, get his name, then start with hey, Joe, I have a question for you . . .It works pretty well!
SOrry fo rthe typoes, I am exhausted!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
it's not what you say......it's how you say it............like being very flirty, sexy,sweet. ;)
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamela
I always would eye the place for men looking at me for one. I knew the guy seen me and had an open door to say hi to him with a polite hand shake.
I totally agree. At times when I am a customer at a strip club...I find that alot of the customers are checking ME OUT, and not the dancers lmao. What I do (yes even as a customer) is flirt with them..with my eyes from the distance.
I usually come to the club with a male friend. So playing eye games with a few guys across the room is (from my point of view) a MAJOR TURN ON because even though I'm so far away, they still have my "interest"
I think that is what you guys should do. DO NOT BE OBVIOUS lol..but subtle. While you're talking with one guy #1, trying to get a dance, sit in the direction where you are facing other men. Get their attention. So if getting a dance out of guy #1 doesn't work, moving on to your "admirer" should do the trick.
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Heaven, I just danced for the first time last night and I know exaclty what you are saying. I don't have any great advice but just know you are not alone. I had trouble getting up and walking away when they weren't buying a dance. I think I picked a shitty night to start working because nobody seemed to be selling dances but I'm guessing it just takes more time to get comfortable with what to say in different situations. Good luck!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Quote:
Originally Posted by colleen
Somebody taught me this in another sales job. It is a great attitude to have:
There has been a horrible mistake made somewhere in the universe. Somehow, this person facing me has MY money in HIS pocket. Now it is MY responsibility to figure out how to get it back!
It may sound aggressive, but wehn you take the attitude that the cash in the custy's pocket is actually yours, you will feel much better abuot asking for it!
Ooooh, fabulous! I'm going to work in a few hours, and I think this is going to be a great help. Thanks!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunny
Heaven, I just danced for the first time last night and I know exaclty what you are saying. I don't have any great advice but just know you are not alone. I had trouble getting up and walking away when they weren't buying a dance. I think I picked a shitty night to start working because nobody seemed to be selling dances but I'm guessing it just takes more time to get comfortable with what to say in different situations. Good luck!
Wow Bunny, congrats, you took the plunge. Details! Details!!!!
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Another customer's perspective -- and someone who understands the fear of asking the question (not for dances, but to ask a girl out or something).
i certainly agree with the comments that it is largely the attitude and "how" you say it more than what you say... I can certainly confess to falling for what Malibu was calling "sweet assertiveness".
I was just wondering if it might be any easier for you after the chit-chat, instead of asking a guy straight out, prompting a in instant yes/no decision from him, whether you might just just tell him what YOU would like - as in "I'd really like to take you back there for a dance". Now at that point he might give a yes or no response anyway, but rather than ASKING him, you're actually TELLING him something that he really "needs to know"!
You could even take it a little more slowly, saying you'd like to get to know him a little better, or like to talk some more... and then once he agrees that would be nice, you could explain that you really aren't allowed to talk too long to the guys unless they buy a dance (or some suitable variation depending on the local rules/norms).
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
Colleen, that is the best thing I've ever heard!
So good in fact that I'm going into work in a couple of hours to right the wrongs of the universe. Time to get my money back out of the pockets of all those men! }:D
Re: Learning to be assertive without being agressive
good tips...thought i'd bump it!