I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Hey ladies I have a problem that I'd like to discuss with you. I'm 25 and I have recently had a baby(a beautiful little girl!) my man and childens father is against me going back to dancing. I was not dancing wheb we met ten years ago but did start without his permission during the duration of the relationship. We have other children together as well and he has always been aganist it from the very begining. He is one of the types of men that think dancing is for hoes and it is a slutty way of life. i strongly disagree with him and. He went to prison for three years(01-05) and while he was away I supported myslef very well stripping I Love to dance and I really enjoy the attention. I've traveled around the united states and I am really lookinh forward to getting back out there. What I have tried to do to get him used to the fact that I do not neccesarliy want a 9-5 is dance in my state not in my city but outside the city limits where i can't run into any one we know and that has'nt worked. He is very controlling and protective. I do care for him but I have been sitting at home being this "housewife" and it's killing me in the inside because I don't have money like I used to. I did not manage my money well in the past because I had the mantality that I Can Get It Right Back! some of my fellow dancers know what I mean. Now that I am a little older in the game and havemuch more experince I would like a second chance at making my $million this time around. He says I'm to old I disagree, he says it's either him or the stripping and I have contemplated the thoght but because we have children together it's best we stay together. He is a provider he pays the bills and buys the children things and me to when I "need" it, but i'm used to having my own money for things taking care of myslef and buying and shopping when I feel like it this is a big transition and i'm not liking it it makes me feel useless because i am not contributing financially. I have thought about this so much i'm reaching out for some advice from my fellow strippers who can identify with having or not having a relationship because we are strippers. Should I give up on pursuing the thought of getting back in the game or should I say fuck him and hit the road..... Help!! :confused:
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Hm... he is a manipulative, rude, controlling convict. Yeah, he MUST have your best interests at heart. Of course you should sacrifice all your goals and dreams, and devote your entire life to pleasing HIM. After all, he is the one who is important, and you only exist to serve his needs. Shame on you for even questioning his orders!
*sigh*
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Go on without him!! You don't need someone in your life who is always telling you what you can and can't do.... Thats what's great about turning 18-that part of your life is supposed to be over. It's your life and you should do whatever makes you happy. If you decide to stay with him and not go back to dancing, you could end up regretting it in the future, and you could end up resenting him and yourself for it. You only get to live once, so do what makes you happy and don't let others tell you no.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
I have a big problem with one thing in your post...you said you starting dancing without his permission. Last time I checked, if you're over 18, you're an adult.
It comes down to what you really value....your self respect or pleasing someone that is going to keep you under his thumb for the rest of your time together.
You're NOT too old (geez, I'm 39 and JUST retired). Get out there, make your money, take care of yourself and your kids and you might find that not only do you not NEED him, you might not even WANT him anymore.
Good luck.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
"He says I'm to old I disagree, he says it's either him or the stripping and I have contemplated the thoght but because we have children together it's best we stay together."....................................WHAT THE FUCK? NEVER EVER EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!
Just because you have children together does not mean that it's always best to stay together. If you are fighting all the time and you don't get along then it may not be the right thing to do. I suggest that you and your husband go see a marriage councilor but I also suggest that you think long and hard about what is most important in your life. If you want to dance you should be able to. As long as it won't affect your children's well being. If that means that you'll have to get a sitter at night and leave your husband because he can't support you in your goals than so be it. But....if you believe that this man is the best for you and that you can't live without him.....which i highly doubt from your post.....than stay with him and drop dancing. Money isn't the most important thing in life. You have to way your pro's and con's here. I can't tell you wether you should leave or stay...that's for you two to decide...but i can say that this is something that you need to think long and hard about. Take in all the factors....everything he does...try to work through everything before just giving up and if that doesn't work you know you've done all that you can do!
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
All im going to say is. Think about the kids. Do you want them to have an unhappy mother? Do you want them to have parents that arnt happy together? I grew up with parents that hated eachother, my mother stayed because she thought it was best for me, when she left him I was soooooooooooooo much happier. I say 'F*** him and do what you want to do.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
He went to prison for 3 years and he is passing judgement on the morality of you stripping , wtf ?
I say go forward and leave him in the dust
:moped:
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
I agree with everybody else. I don't even have a problem with him not wanting you to dance. What I do have a problem with is him putting you down. He tells you your "too old to dance", he only gives you money when you "need something". The fact that he has you in a financial position where he can control you to some degree is scary, because it seems to me that he is enjoying that control. It's all downhill from here. Also, if his being in prison, and not being able to contribute to you and the kids is what got you started dancing in the first place, then he has no room to talk. At least what you were doing was legal. RUN!! Far, far away before his control turns into abuse.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
You will kick the SHIT out of yourself when this guy hits a midlife crisis, quits his job, and hits the road on a motorcycle to tour strip clubs. You'll feel damn stupid for not being your true self in the first place if he turns out to be a total hypocrite.
Madonna/Whore complex. He sees all women as either housewives or strippers. Misogynistic. Do you want to be the house slave? The type people say is no different from prostitution? No offense, but that IS ranch-style prostitution, only more isolated. I think a showdown is in serious order. Or, let's open Door Number 2, backing down: anorexia, bulimia, depression, anxiety, post-partum, anorgasmia, alchoholism, cutting, lowered self-esteem, depersonalization, co-dependency, resentment. Princess Di ring a bell? That's what we're lookin at if you don't piss him off and own up to what you want. But, I'm hoping you'll reach a compromise. Is there a way you can both feel fulfilled and independent? Like if you set a time limit, or do it less frequently? You'll have to get it out of your system. But in the mean time there are other jobs too within that frame, like erotic writer, artist, activism, s/m mistress, modeling, regular dancing, and community services like working at a women's center.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
I voted "go on the road" but with one caveat: Who will raise your children?
I don't know how many children you have and what their ages are. Is he a good parent or would he be an unresponsable person to be raising your children while you are on the road?
I suppose you could take your kids with you in a motor home, and hire a nanny to travel with you. You would be forced to home school them, and the nanny would have to be satisfied with only getting days off when you return back home, but is that really feasible?
The other question I have is what is your goal of returning to dancing? You mentioned making your millions, but I have yet to meet a millionaire stripper. I know many that are doing very well, but hardly what I would consider millionaires. I'd say you could realisticly figure on making $50-60,000.00 a year as a full time stripper in most places in the US. And that is being generous with the fact that you are willing to work at least 4 days a week, every week! The figures I quoted are your net earnings before travel expenses. I usually spend about $300 a week just on lodging (and that is pretty cheap for most motels).
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Any guy who really loves you and cares about you won't make you choose between him and something else you really care about- they will accept you for who you are and what you like to do. Any man who really loves you and cares about you won't tell you what you can and can't do and treat you like a child. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship with one person as the boss.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
I agree. When a person actually loves you they don't need to control you.
Needing to control your money etc. is the first sign of an abuser. Get out before it gets worse for you or your kids.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Well, maybe going on the road wouldn't work well with your kids but why not dance where you live or nearby where you can commute? I could understand if he had concerns about you dancing for other reasons like say he's a Judge and bad publicity could ruin his career or there are no safe clubs in the area or you drink too much when you dance but it sounds like he's wanting you not to dance for all the WRONG reasons and he definitely has no room to talk being an ex-con and not just for a dui or something but a few years in PRISON! Screw that girl, you can do better.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Thanks everyone who has responded to my delima so far,you all have some really good points and I appreciate your honesty, please keep the responses going.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladybuiz
...please keep the responses going.
Why? I think everything that can be said, has been said. The guy is manipulative and controlling, he is a convict, and he treats you like a wayward child. You are in an extremely vulnerable, subservient position, both emotionally and financially. It is up to you whether you want to live this way or not, but clearly it is an either-or proposition. No one here can make that decision for you.
If you choose to let him treat you this way, at least be aware that you are allowing it. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
"he says it's either him or the stripping" That line by itself sold me on leave him in the dust and give him the finger on the way out.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
"I have contemplated the thoght but because we have children together it's best we stay together. "
Don't think you have to "stay together for the kids". I'm a child of divorce and one loving parent is a much better influence on a child's life than a fighting, chaotic couple. So, don't let this be a factor in staying with him...it's really such a falsehood that children need a couple to raise them.
And yes, he's an ex-con, he thinks strippers are "sluts/hos", he is controlling...you've danced before and made good money, you aren't too old, so logically you can do it again....Leaving him would make sense, wouldn't it?
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
I say leave him as well bvut for different reasons.
All the previous poster say he's an "ex-con", but noone even asked why. What was his offense? Hell, my hubby is a felon, well he was anyway.
You guys are all just doing the same thing that you hate having done to you. You guys are being steriotypical towards him.
I'm not saying that he couldn't be bad, it's just that we don't know.
As for going back to dancing or not, well no matter what we say or don't say; it's still your decision. You are going to make the decision you want to make with or without our help.
Personally, I do think you should do it. If for no reason more than in ten years you would end up hating him since he was the one who forced you to forget your dreams.
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Read my Torn and Update posts. Similar situation and I left him for it. And please, even if he grovels and says that he'd never leave you once you call his bluff and go, that you keep on walking. I had to learn the hard way and get a good tonguelashing from Candice(82Candy) ;D , for my foolishness. They will never change.
PM me if you want some advice, I just left the same exact situation
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
Yes, leave him.
But are you going to take your kids on the road with you? How old are they? How are you going to make that work?
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
wouldn't it be easier to dance locally until your kids are older?
Re: I Need Some Dancers Advice!!
You should never have to ask permission from anyone to do anything. Adults have discussions about what boundries are acceptable in thier relationships but you are your own person and should not base your decisions solely on what he wants you to do.....Have you ever noticed that when you are in a relationship like the one you describe you have no money ,little happiness and a lot of stress and anguish? Is that different then how you feel when you are dancing and providing for yourself and your children? Think about it . Sounds to me like you already know the answers to your own questions.....Best of luck girl.