Home Ownership and the Lovely Winter Weather
After having grown up in a home where the temperature on the inside of the house reached freezing point (as proven by the glass of water that began to freeze over night) you would think I had grown up tough enough to handle it when the furnace stopped working and reached a balmy 52 degrees fahrenheit. No....years of living in metropolis with a family that despises the heat and cold of Mosquito Coast has turned me, admittedly, into someone who can appreciate physical comfort.
This weekend, math ancient furnace began showing symptoms of malfunction and impending death when it started only periodically kicking on to heat the house. I felt I'd covered the extend of my "fix-it" skills by checking the furnace for a functional pilot light, breakers, etc, and naturally playing with the switch on the thermostat multiple times. My confusion started last Friday when it restarted after leaving it off for a little while. Saturday was also periodic, and then Sunday it was simply dead. Monday morning (after showering) was rather painful.
I thought back to when my dad decided to completely re-do our one and only bathroom. Clearly, the best solution in that case is to first build an outhouse.....and then leave the toilet unhooked....for months Why? Well, hell....taking a shit while snow is blowing around your feet builds character god dammit! You ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Costanza's wanker shrivels up after being in a hot tub then getting out where it's cold? Pussy. Your cock has to actually recede into your body while frostbite sets in on your feet, brought upon by the mere fact that you absolutely HAVE to shit....just a little...just enough to get you through the next hour...until you get to high school....where you'll shit some more, but in the comfort of a warm room ... filled with people who will tell you what a weird-ass you are for shitting at school. "God damn! Smells like SHIT in here!!!" No kidding, asshole. That's because I'm shitting. Wanna fucking taste of it?"
None of this comforted me this weekend when the furnace stopped working....again. I have a family. I don't mind being a little cold. I don't enjoy it, mind you...but I can handle it. But I do not want my wife and children to be uncomfortable. At least not to that extent. I'm not sure if it's because of my love for them, or because I don't want to hear anyone bitching at me. But Hell...I torture them enough just by being a Shirey. Might as well keep 'em warm.
My cuz tried to help me out with a picture of his furnace...and a description of a problem he'd had once. I couldn't be quite that lucky...but the effort was appreciated. This evening, the fix-it guy showed up. I like Terry. Last year I was trying to fix something myself and he actually invited me to call him for help when I was trying to install it. Three times, he helped me out...which could have ultimately cost him some money. But he doesn't mind. That's pretty decent of him, I think. When he's here, I help him out, too. Simple shit....turning things on....turning things off. I grew helping my father out whenever he fixed anything. I understood the difference between a crescent wrench and a ratchet, so I was good for that sort of thing. Or, as he (and my grandfather) would put it...I DID know the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground. Anyway, when I got home from work (a half hour ahead of Terry) I tried flipping on the furnace.
Mother fucker - it's on. Typical shit. Your car makes a noise...you go to the mechanic....it stops...you get home...it starts again. We spent about a half hour turning the fucking thing on and off again...actually trying to make it NOT work. He replaced the filter and we both hoped the problem was air-flow...but of course knew better. I kept turning it on and off with the switch on the top right corner.....and raising/lowering the heat ...with the buttons on the top right....dammit, it's still working. I felt funny saying that, but I knew damn well that it would quit after he left.
Fine fine....still working...and he loaded his tools into his truck. I really wasn't looking forward to waking up in the cold. His theoretical explanation of how the filter made some safety kick on and then get stuck didn't convince either of us...but he told me that the amount for the service call would cover his next visit...when the problem occurred, again.
But then I had a little luck....after turning off the "filter" button (which happened to be on the bottom-left of the thermostat) the furnace shut off pre-maturely. Ah-HA! He got his tools again and got to work....looking for the one simple connection that, for whatever reason was not working.
After about 10 minutes, he told me it was a connection on the thermostat. BULLSHIT....I just replaced it a fe.....oh shit...wait.... *I* replaced it.
So, I went downstairs to check out the furnace while he fiddled with the god damned thermostat. Sure enough....it started kicking on and off like fucking crazy while he moved the thermostat around. Great. Okay, so now I need a new thermostat to replace the one that I replaced 3 years ago. Am I going to do this myself again? Well of course, God dammit...I'm not hiring someone to do this shit for me! That would be stupid!
Now, you must realize that the furnace now functions just fine. Everyone is nice and toasty, and everything is kicking on when it should. I have not yet replaced the thermostat...even though everything is still working. Did I mention that I like this guy? Here's a list of things that were fixed in my life....not all of them....just the first few that come to mine.
1) I think I was 10...I lost the key to my dad's truck...he had to fix it so that he could start it with a screw driver.
2) The handle to a pot we used for making popcorn broke....it was replaced with a round piece of bone.
3) The shifter to our Oldsmobile stopped functioning....it was temporarily replaced with a large Philips screwdriver.
....I'm sure the list could continue, but the pattern is clear. McGyver and the Professor were total amateurs.
In the end, weemployed a temporary fix. I wasn't even charged extra. As temporary as the bone handle? As temporary as the wood-space above the bathroom door in that re-done bathroom? Probably not. My wife will "encourage" me to fix it properly....by informing me in a couple of months that if it's not done...she won't mind, but she'll call and pay someone to fix it. Bless her for always allowing me the opportunity to fuck up, again...and again. She doesn't seem to mind the investment, and it let's me feel like I've accomplished something....for a little while. This is important. The long term is make up of the short trips from one weird Shirey-Experience to the next.
See the attachment.....because it has served its purpose...and again - no extra charge.
Re: Home Ownership and the Lovely Winter Weather
LMFAO!!!!!
Mojo.. I'm speechless, because as I type this, the furnace guy left three hours ago.. I have a balmy 50 degrees upstairs and 90 downstairs.. go figure.. new house, new furnace, no workie right...
Re: Home Ownership and the Lovely Winter Weather
Mojo, that is why I love you so much, lol.
Around my house, I'm McGyver, hubby does one of your "jobs". His motto is totally "if you can't duct it fuck it!"
Me I want to take it all apart, clean it very well, buy all new parts then put it back together, and it better work damnit, or then I'll get mad. (And take a baseball bat to it, so then I have to buy a new one.)