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ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
I have a bit of a spill. Maybe it's a realization, maybe it's a dramazation. It is a bit long but I desparately need advice and encouragement. I have been dancing for almost 4 years now. The money has not increased nor is it any easier to come by. I worked 6 days this past month because of a situation with a custy I mentioned in another thread and being fed up and worn out. I went to work a more "risque" club in Columbia last night. Two of my regulars from my home club showed up. One frequents this club and the other happened to find out me and my girlfriend he likes was there so he came up to see us. Customers at this club are use to paying 20 dollars for a full contact lap dance and every 20 minutes the club runs two for one specials. Girls are allowed to charge more for a dance if they wish. I charged 30 because that is what I get at my home club for a VIP lap dance. There were around 100 girls working, half of them model type. Until one of my regulars had arrived at midnight I found myself doing a couple of two for ones and only getting one dance at a time with no tips whatsoever. The customer gets to touch everything but my pussy. One custy got six dances for me after I told him what I charged up front, payed me for two, said he had to walk out to his car and get the rest. I told the bouncer to make sure and watch him because he might leave. I never got my money. I know partially my fault there. Later when my regular arrived he introduced me to the girl he pretty much stop coming to see me for. He said that they would be doing dances and once they finished he would come get me. Like I was supposed to be offended or something. Sure, it hurt my feelings a little especially because this custy and myself had a relationship at once. I tried to just blow it off and keep working. He finally tracked me down and got me to dance for him and his new "girlfriend". She was very sweet and innocent much like myself when I first start dancing and before I met him. We all enjoyed each other's company and made the best of it. My second regular showed up about a hour later. He wanted to go to the champagne room. This club doesn't take any of your champagne room monies but they require the custie to purchase an expensive bottle of champagne. He got two hours from me and my girlfriend which is 400 per hour a piece. This custie is well known at my home club and appears to always have plenty of money. So, I didn't make it an issue and we enjoyed ourselves. I was pretty drunk and allowed him to play with my pussy a bit too (something I have never allowed in a club with a custie, ever). I could justify it because I was getting 800 dollars and he comes to see me frequently and spends money. I still felt a bit guilty afterwards though. Anyways, after it is time to settle up he hands us 190 dollars a piece. He mind as well had took a hammer and just knocked me over the head with it. I was sooooo pissed. He asked us to follow him to the atm machine where he gave us 200 more a piece. I had been drinking all night long and I felt like a fucking cheap whore at this point. He promises to give us the rest of the money next Friday at the club. My girlfriend knows this man extremely well. He is currently trying to help a Russian entertainer of ours that got thrown in jail for overstaying her visa. He has hired a lawyer for her and chartered my friend and her husband to go see her. So, basically what I am trying to say is this man appears to have no quarms about spending a shit load of money. Plus, we know where he works and don't have doubts about getting our money. But the point is all of this made me feel really shitty and nasty. I couldn't get myself clean enough today. While I was in the Waffle House this morning with them getting our money after he went to the ATM I honestly was glad that I did not own a gun. I was seriously comptemplating suicide. I feel angry and hard today. I watched a program on Discovery Health channel and it made me think back to when I was nursing and how much I enjoyed helping others. My life wasn't perfect then either by no means but I never felt the way I do now. I feel like I have put myself in a position to have my soul sucked out of me and now I am trying to take what little I have left and do something with it before I am gone. Please advice me folks.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Oh, goodness. You have been having a bad time with everything it seems lately from reading your posts. That guy was an ass for agreeing to pay for a champagne room and not having the money. what kind of stupid asshole is that? I mean you KNOW if you have $800 or not. Don't agree to the dances if you don't have the cash.
Why did you stop working as a nurse? It's good that you have another option to do for work. Maybe if you went back to nursing, even part-time, you'd get to feel good about helping people and get a break from dancing. You could still dance some too if you want but there wouldn't be the pressure of having to make your living totally off of dancing. Every job has the crap that comes along with it but maybe a change is really what you need.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
When a man takes advantage of the service you provided him by not paying you the amount you are rightfully owed, it hurts. You have the right to be angry...at him! he knows the rules. He wouldnt go to a bar, order a bottle of vodka and tell them he will pay them next week. He took advantage. In the future, maybe you could consider getting him to give his credit cards to whoever does funny money. some clubs have to gain verbal agreement to run the money and run it before the dancing begins. This is a sure way to get paid. Even if it isnt the club policy, you can make it your policy. With him and / or others. I am sorry you felt badly about your actions. Maybe you had feelings for him and shared something more than you are used to. When under the influence, I know its hard to keep your defenses as strong.
You put a lot of time into your post. I dont believe suicide is something to throw around. it is serious. I am so sorry you feel badly, but ending your life bc of one guy, or work situation is not cool. I know I get smarter only from experience. This means I have to get burned sometimes to avoid the pitfalls in the future. I also understand the innocence versus the hard concept. But, I think life is toughening. You have to develop some thick skin to survive. And that isnt bad. It is protecting yourself.
Cheer up sweetie. There are a lot of girls who have felt the way you do and have been through what you have.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Thanks Raya for taking the time to read and your compassion as well. I want to toughen up a bit but I don't want to be "hard". One of the things I value about myself is my sense of feeling. I just felt so damn dirty last night. I think about suicide sometimes and ending the misery but I have known a guy who did go through with it. His 15 year old son found him hanging in the garage. I would never want to put someone else through my pain like that. It would hurt my husband terribly and my grandmother since she has already lost my mother. It's good to know that other's sympathize. It's unfornuate we all have to go through these things to feel this way though.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
You're plate seems really full right now with personal problems. Aside from dancing, which is probably why you let happen what did. Getting drunk, suicidal thoughts, all those negative things are not the "answer". That will only cause pain for you, and all others around you that care about you.
I agree with Bunny, you need a break from dancing to clear your head. You have great skills as a nurse and you should put them to some use, even if it is part time.
I was getting really burned out before I quit dancing. Sometimes you need to get away from it. Do something more positive, like using your nursing skills at a job and try to get your life where you want it.
Dancing can be so hard on us. You have to be strong, confident and in a good state of mind to strip, make money and be productive. Otherwise you will find yourself in bad situations and make bad decisions.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
I had to learn the hard way (on my first night, no less!) "Always get the money up front!"
And then I relearned it last week (I let a guy get away for $10 less than the $80 he owed me because I was having a shitty night and didn't want to argue. Then, later in the night, I sat on his lap for a bit, talking to him while I waited for a waitress to stop by so he could get some dance dollars. Then his cards all got declined and I lost the 25 minutes I'd spent talking him up.)
I can understand being angry at yourself for pushing your limits (maybe too much) and for selling yourself short. But you should be even more angry at the people who ripped you off.
The rule at our club is that you collect on per-dance fees every three dances (period) and hourly fees every hour. Otherwise, you will end up getting ripped off regularly. I understand not wanting to be hard, but for the sake of your sanity (and your pocketbook), try and make regular collection a rule. And like Raya said, make sure you get VIP payment (or at least a card to guarantee payment) before you even step in the room if at all possible. If you can't then settle up every hour without fail.
You are valuable and don't let anybody treat you differently.
EDIT: And if dancing is getting in the way of you feeling like a good and valuable person (survey says yes), then a couple weeks off may be just what you need, if not more.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Well, the champagne hostess kept asking do you want to use the card to cover any of the monies owed to the girls. He said, no I have the cash. He spent 700 bucks on champagne. Then walks over and hands us 190 bucks a piece for two hours in the champagne room and we are suppose to be friends also!??!!!! Did he honestly think because we were friends we would forfeit our rights to make money on the floor and sit in the room with him and do dances for two straight hours for 190 dollars. Plus he gave the waitress a f*ckin' black amex card, do you know what it takes to qualify for a black amex card?
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
While it's fine to give constructive criticism for or against something someone did...the personal attacks and "name-calling" are not tolerated. If you cannot respond to someone's post without doing this, then don't respond. It's really that simple.
On with the show...
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
greenidlady,
Anyone who's been in this business for any length of time has had this kind of reaction to a work experience. The experience itself may be different, but the basics are the same: You venture to place your trust in someone (i.e., a customer) and they betray your trust. Throw in the particulars of some witch's brew of money, sexual behavior, pseudo-intimacy, "friendship," and the complicated sex worker-customer relationship, and the dancer in the interaction generally ends up feeling like absolute CRAP. This sort of thing has happened to me MANY times...The more difficulty you have with setting boundaries, the more often it will happen.
But I WILL say that the feeling of having been used/abused/betrayed/taken advantage of/made "dirty" /etc was always very temporary for me. I have a pretty strong sense of my core self, and it sounds like you do too. Despite making me feel like shit for a short period of time, these experiences ultimately didn't affect my sense of self. I always found ways to heal the bruises to my psyche/soul/self...
Do something that makes you truly happy, just for you. Something that reminds you how stupid and trivial all the rest of this bullshit really is.
You'll be fine. It hurts when your trust in someone is misplaced or betrayed, but you've only become "hard" when you find that you've completely lost your ability to trust anyone.
And for the record, I really appreciate your honesty in accounting the particulars of your experience. I'd say all but the most saintly of strippers has, at one time or another, crossed some boundary and felt badly about it afterwards...
Take care.
-Nic
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Ok...greenidlady...this is all coming from one place...it's you. You are not enforcing your boundaries (at home or on the job). You are not respecting that there are certain things that you need in life. You are willing to sacrifice yourself to please others, but you continually find that by doing so, you feel used, cheap, and abused...unappreciated, etc.
You can change this by changing your attitude and the way in which you allow yourself to be used/etc. It's your choice. You can either continue living and feeling this way or you can decide that enough is enough and make the necessary changes in your life that will benefit you and enable you to feel good about yourself.
It's a choice in life. You either make that choice or you don't. But, believe me, this "lifestyle" of yours and these "dramas" that you continually have will continue if you choose to keep ignoring yourself to please others. What choices are you going to make today?
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Greenidlady1, it really sounds to me like you need to take a break from dancing, at least for a short while. This and other adult entertainment industries can be very draining emotionally. We do "act" a lot during our work and it's not always easy to be in your dancing persona so long maintaining your show. Even while being as close to yourself as possible, one always has to hold back their true thoughts and play the role it takes to close the sale.
Some people get drained faster than others. Once it happens, it's best to take a break and recoup. Take as long as needed, forcing yourself to work when you're not in the best emotional state can make things much worse.
Since you aren't get some gratification from dancing like you used to nursing, definitely look into going back to it, even on a very limited basis. You need something to give you a pick-me-up and feel better about what you're doing with your life. Part time if possible or even volunteering a few hours a week in something you love will do wonders for your psyche.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
I understand where youre comming from hun...EVERYONE has done SOMETHING theyre ashamed of for compensation. Ya know? But I dont understand why you didnt have him charge on his AMEX for the rest he owed you?
Dont worry - if he is a friend maybe he thought he had the money.. hopefully you will get it. Its a hard lesson learned.
But I also understand this... you had a few drinks... youre in Champ making good money... you kinda like the guy and you let him play with you for a bit... I fully understand this and who knows - I may have done it myself. I also know that even tho at the time I was thinking "this feels good" and "yay $$" I would have been pissed when time came to pay up.
Next time with Champ get the guys to pay upfront - even a friend... this is the first thing that came to my mind when reading your story. Just tell him that its POLICY and you totally trust that hell pay but its still policy.
Im sorry you went through this and I know that even if/when you get your money it ended up being a bad situation.
Suicide is just a pussy way out I think. I have horrible down times and then a week later Im floating on clouds. Do you have someone you can talk to about how you feel? Do you have a journal? I feel so much better just ranting and cussing and writing all kinda of illegible stuff on paper... helps me get out the hurt, pain and anger thats inside out. And I will laugh a few weeks later when I read it... because its just so ridiculous even tho at the time I wanted to die.
If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me... Ive been through it ALL... believe me. :) Keep your chin up hun... everything will work out ok :)
EDIT: I agree with Venus... but its sometimes easier said than done. How many times have I said and protested that I will never do porn again. How much I HATE it and how many times Ive told others not to do it. Problem is that its easy money so I find myself doing it again and again. It took a long time to go from HC B/G and even worse to just G.G. I find THAT an accomplishment... some dont. Its really hard to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM. I tell myself its so easy... its not. You really have to look hard into yourself... and thats kinda scary. It seems a lot easier to just carry on doing what youre doing and try to stay away from yourself as much as possible. I dunno... think Im rambling now...
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Hey there honey.
I'm not going to call you names, I swear. But I might take a little issue here.
1) This man is not your friend. No matter how well known he is to you. This is not the way friends act. Bottom line - friends don't pay friends to stimulate them. They just don't. Your friends especially don't push your boundaries when they know what they are. Your friends don't use money to make you do things you don't want to do. Your customers are not your friends. You can like them, you can enjoy their company etc., etc., you can be friendly with them, but they are not your friends.
2) Part of the reason you feel so bad about this is.. well, because you feel bad about this. Because you did something you don't feel good about. I don't think anyone needs to call you names or be mean to you, but you clearly don't like some of the things you have done. The obvious solution (which I'm sure has occurred to you) is don't do them again.
3) Do I understand this right? He paid you half of your money, and he had a credit card? I would have laid serious pressure on him to use that. Next time pressure him to use the card. Will he be annoyed at this? Not if he is sensible. I mean, as I said, you are not friends, and he knows what he is meant to pay you. And if he is - bottom line, good customers are PAYING customers. You don't need customers that don't pay you.
4) You don't have to dance for a living. You can do other things. We all have bad days - dancing isn't a game of ring a round the damn rosy for any of us. But if you are contemplating suicide maybe you need to consider that this just isn't good for you.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Unfornuately, I haven't did nursing in about 4 years. I need to take some refresher courses so I can go back. I am a LPN now and want to get my RN. I agree that it's absolutely neccesary I do something for myself now. My husband also thinks I need to do this. I worry about motivation but honestly with what has happened recently when I feel like quitting I will just have to think about this and how I don't want to deal with it again. Not saying there isn't conflict in our lives but this situation was very difficult for me just piling on top of other situations I have been dealing with. I think if I work 2 days per week at my home club, it just reopened, I will be able to make "my part" of the bills. My husband also wants to buy a home this year and for us to get ahead. I agree we need to get ahead but if I don't do something to help myself now it will affect our future. I made almost 900 bucks last night and am still owed 400 more. Up until then I had no money to spare. I worked 6 days last month so I can't afford to take off completely. I can't enroll for college until next semester, which is summer semester, perhaps I can take two classes then. Any other suggestions on things I can do for myself besides visiting a shrink, lol?
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Find some hobbies that you like doing...hiking, fishing, crafts, sewing, instruments...anything that you like to do. Just take some quality time for yourself.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
) Do I understand this right? He paid you half of your money, and he had a credit card? I would have laid serious pressure on him to use that. Next time pressure him to use the card. Will he be annoyed at this? Not if he is sensible. I mean, as I said, you are not friends, and he knows what he is meant to pay you. And if he is - bottom line, good customers are PAYING customers. You don't need customers that don't pay you.
He told the champagne hostess he would pay us cash and use his card to pay for the champagne. After he settled up with the champagne hostess he gave us 190 cash. I was pretty drunk by this point. He said we could follow him to the atm machine to get the rest. He gave us 200 more a piece there. He then followed us to the Waffle House where we ate and I blessed him out, lol. He kept apologizing but I was crying. He said he couldn't get no more money out of the Wachovia ATM than 400 bucks. Bullshit, I can get a 1000 grand out a day from Wachovia and I have a basic free checking account. He told me when my girlfriend with to the bathroom he didn't understand why I was pissed because she wasn't. I told him she wasn't drunk enough to tell him. She had only one glass of champagne. I would have never thought this would be a problem. At my home club he always pays above and beyond. The man owns a plane and takes my girlfriend and her hubby places in it. He also gave the waitress a black amex card.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
If you're not ready to stay sober at work and be a cop about your money and your body....maybe you should consult a counselor. I'd rather see you get help understanding why you won't protect yourself than hear about you on the news. Please take your pain seriously. People play games and do vindictive things even when they're rich. Learn it now before the next lesson gets way more severe.:'(
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you've had such bad luck lately, sounds like you really need a break!
I don't know a single person who hasn't done something that they are not proud of, and since you've been having some problems lately, its no wonder that you became a bit on the vunerable side.
i hope you get the rest of your money and things get better for ya!! :)
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Wish I could give you a hug. Sounds like you need it.
Sounds like you need REST--mentally, emotionally, psychologically... You deserve it. Rest is not a luxury. It is a necessity.
It also sounds like you could benefit from some time away from the business so you can develop some perspective. It just sounds like you've lost yourself.
I understand that financially you can't afford to take off. What about putting yourself on a schedule that will hopefully (cause it's not regular income) catch you up. Let's say that takes 8 weeks. Promise yourself that in 8 weeks you can stop dancing until the summer. (just a number i pulled out of my a$$. you of course know better) But my point is to promise yourself a break starting at a certain date and KEEP YOUR PROMISE. Even write it down. Just my advice...
I hope everything works out for you.
****hug****
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
green, there are many wonderful suggestions here. it's good that you're looking into ways to become a nurse again. based on the manner in which you instinctively wish to help others, it sounds like a great occupation for you (strip clubs are rarely decent outlets for such compassion). from reading your other posts, it seems that the debt you have is looming over your head and could be contributing to this "i NEED to dance" feeling, and with good reason. but developing suicidal feelings is a signal that you need a change, whether that be reducing the amount of time you work, or like paintgoddess said, setting a timeframe for you quit (like when you save enough for nursing school). perhaps you could stagger your working days....work one, then take one or two off so you have time to recoup and mentally prepare for the next shift.
i'd also talk to your husband about the demands he seems to be making on you (even implicit ones). sure, it might be fine to want a house now, but your emotional health and stability should come first. you can still start saving, but have your transition into nursing (and exit from dancing) come first. when applying for a morgage, it might be better to have a stable job, such as nursing, on the application (i could be wrong on this). anyways...from what you say, he seems to be a good guy, but still doesn't understand your feelings, or the depth of your pain.
as for that "friend." bleh...he's an idiot who took advantage. please take care of yourself!
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
Seems like you cant get away from the drama lately? lol
I have great concern for you after reading that. I have to agree with other posters you need a break ..or you are going to break. Even if its only a week off...take that whole time to forget about work, be you and clear your head. Youre obviously not thinking clearly with suicide talk.
I know you and your hubby have plans to get a house like you mentioned. There will always be a house out there for you both.....but will you be there? Your mental health will effect you physically and then it snowballs. Your hubby has to understand what you are going through with dancing right now. He has to be there to be supportive for you.
Bottom line: You have to put yourself 1st. If that means making boundries and sticking to them no matter what...do it. You might lose some money in the process but you wont feel like shit either. Ive tried my best to keep to my boundries (although like AL mentioned we do slip as I have too). Sometimes life goes backwards to move forwards.
Also, you have to be ready for change. You say you dont want to go to a doctor...dont then. But you may be hindering yourself from getting better. You have to want change and accept it.
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
I truly appreciate the support so much guys. I woke up this morning with a tight chest and weakness. I am think I am getting a upper respritory infection, this is usually my first symptoms. I told my hubby and he freaked out about it. Told me I needed to work because I haven't been working much and he wasn't going to give in to me and I shouldn't give into myself either. WTF? I just mentioned I wasn't feeling 100% this morning. I said, boy, you're real caring this morning, hugh. It's hard enough pulling yourself through, I am feeling like I don't need his shit. I don't really feel like arguing right now. I just want to get some R & R so I can feel better. I do plan to go back to school in the summer. Until then I want to try to dance so I can afford to do it. I might be doing it alone if his attitude continues. Sorry for all the drama. Thanks again guys :)
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
If I were you I would go a vacation w/ my husband, even if its just two days, take the train, drive, go to a little romantic inn. I know when I leave and go somewhere else to regroup I gain perspective on my life. Everyone has done stupid shit at some point in their lives. Maybe this is the ammunition you needed to start school again
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized
this guy wouldn't happen to be an asian guy would he ? longshot i know...
have you thought about going into homehealth ??? my friend did that and made about 60 k a year was was independent, etc. It may not be a ton of money but you might feel better.
I am sorry about all of this !
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Re: ever feel like you lost something, tramatized