-
Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
So im going out with a steryotypical goth guy. weve been together 3 months but known each other 7 years. so far the sex has been completly vanilla and not bad. however im really into light s&m and being dominated in bed. I always thought he would be into that and hes not. i cant even get him to pull my hair or smack my butt or anything, hes extremly gentle with me.
i ask him to do small things like that and he will do it once and then stop. its frusterating and a big turn off.
i ask him why he doesnt like it and he says that he used to but he feels like hes grown out of it now?
i even asked if he would rather be the one who is the submissive sometimes and he said no.
how can i get him to be more open about doing this for me in bed? he thinks im bored with our sex now and its not the case i just want a little variety.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
im really into light s&m and being dominated in bed. I always thought he would be into that and hes not. i cant even get him to pull my hair or smack my butt or anything, hes extremly gentle with me.
This is the #1 frustration with half the dancers I know. I tell them, "If you can't get it from your BF, get it somewhere else." While I'm pulling their hair, of course.
You could watch sexandsubmission.com videos with him. Go to the Links and download the freebies. If he doesn't get into it, find someone on alt.com who does.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
So im going out with a steryotypical goth guy. weve been together 3 months but known each other 7 years. so far the sex has been completly vanilla and not bad. however im really into light s&m and being dominated in bed. I always thought he would be into that and hes not. i cant even get him to pull my hair or smack my butt or anything, hes extremly gentle with me.
what ever gave you the impression into that sort of thing? the black clothing and eyeliner or did he say as much? you do know that guys will say a lot of things to get a woman in the sack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
i ask him to do small things like that and he will do it once and then stop. its frusterating and a big turn off.
reminds me of this bad amateur porn movie i saw once. the woman was blowing this guy and she asked him to call her a dirty cocksucker. he did...once. she asked him to pull her hair and throat fuck her. he did...for about five seconds and then stopped. while in doggie she asked him to slap her ass and call her a nasty whore. he did...once. then i kicked in the screen of the tv. the director must have left the camera running to go snort coke in the back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
i ask him why he doesnt like it and he says that he used to but he feels like hes grown out of it now?
or perhaps it's some madonna/whore thing going on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
how can i get him to be more open about doing this for me in bed? he thinks im bored with our sex now and its not the case i just want a little variety.
well, short of trying the behavioral modification method used the movie "a clockwork orange". it can be a psychological hump for men. IMO, either the guy has it within him or he doesn't. you can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
a sows ear into a silk purse...wow i never heard that one before!
no i guess i just assumed he would be. he had always said hed be willing to try new things, but he doesnt. i guess ill have to be content...
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss. Kristina Lee
how can i get him to be more open about doing this for me in bed? he thinks im bored with our sex now and its not the case i just want a little variety.
You have a tough decision. Sorry, but you sound like you're being a bit too polite. You 'aren't bored' but 'just want a little variety'.
Which is it?
Do NOT accept boring sex. It will ruin your attitude about life in general.
If you are happy with the sex, then drop it and enjoy it.
If you aren't happy, stop having boring sex and start looking elsewhere for satisfaction. He'll either get the hint and fantasize about making you happy in bed in the way YOU want (not the way he wants you to be made happy), or he won't and you'll have to drop him.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Are you telling him exactly what you want or are you trying to be subtle?
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
yes i told him he just told me it wasnt his thing. he said hes perfectly happy with the sex we have been having. i am too, but i want to get kinky once in a while.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Hmm . You may just have to put your foot down and say "You WILL pull my hair, spank me, and call me a whore."
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Okay, it doesn't sound offhand like he suffers from lack of openness so much as it is not what gets him off.
Take a visit to Savage Love; the expression he uses is "Good, Giving and Game". It means that parties should be willing to engage as long as the practice is not full out offensive, but that it works both ways; that is being over demanding and insisting that he change his predilictions to suit you is a little unreasonable too. It doesn't sound like you are demanding his drag a grater over your ass, so that might be the best way to look at it.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by SportsWriter2
You could watch sexandsubmission.com videos with him. Go to the Links and download the freebies. If he doesn't get into it, find someone on alt.com who does.
holy crap! i just took a look at that site. although, i like the content. i don't think showing him the advanced stuff is going to help, sporty. if anything, it will probably do the exact opposite.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
I feel your (lack of) pain. I've had two serious long-term relationships and they're both the same story from this regard... we start out having hot steamy kinky freaky BDSM sex, and then he falls in lurrrrve and only wants to be gentle with me. It's sweet that they don't want to hurt me, but dammit, I'd love to think I can be a cherished beloved partner AND a dirty little whore. *sigh*
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
sexandsubmission.com changed my sex life forever...
I have to say the single most important thing that has caught every woman I have dated within driving distance COMPLETELY off guard is "I have a pair of leather restraints in the trunk of my car at all times".
Havn't used them at all times, but every girl I have ever said this too took an immediate sexual interest in me. I just don't come across as the kinda guy who's gonna pull an x-bar out of his trunk. :D
Mast!
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Smith has no problem in this department. You go girlfriend. Three snaps up.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
If I had a nickel for every stripper that complained about a boyfriend that wouldn't beat them up in bed...
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
^You'd have about as many nickels as Sporty does, I suppose. :P ;)
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yekhefah
I'd love to think I can be a cherished beloved partner AND a dirty little whore. *sigh*
God, I love those last three magic words.
The day after we dropped in to make sure you had a good weekend in L.A. (I had been worried about you since Vegas, but pleased to see things have been looking better for you), Nic and I were sitting out on the deck of a fabulous bayside restaurant in Long Beach, sipping martinis, picking among the wines and doing a shot or two.
The toast was mine, the sun was setting and the mood was right, and all along there was only one toast that felt even remotely appropriate and, well, strangely affectionate: "To dirty little whores."
Honest to God, it's what makes our relationship work. I love her more than life itself, with every ounce of love and affection in my heart, but she's always going to be my own personal dirty little whore. It's what gets her off, and there is nothing more important to me in this or any other world.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
I'm sorry, but I'm just a little tired of the public display of mutual agrandisement.
Nic, you used to seem interesting to me, but no longer.
Cally, feel free to ride the six inch wonder to your heart's desire. Some of us will know that there's another part of you left wanting.
TOO - Dude, you are too cool. The only cool shown by a wad which is twice the size of what they really want.
Feel free to float those bills to the fifteen minute wonders.
Personally, I've found that if they have difficulty forming words for six hours after they wake up, then you've made them really happy.
Sip your champagne, talk smoothly about wonderful nothingness over a sunset, and I'll look forward to the next gal who suddenly realizes that I'm her next favorite reverse cowgirl guy for a very important reason.
}:D
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by azcustomer
Personally, I've found that if they have difficulty forming words for six hours after they wake up, then you've made them really happy.
Ooohhh, really good one.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Other Owner
Ooohhh, really good one.
Soft and smooth as usual. There is no-one as smooth as TOO.:-[
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yekhefah
I'd love to think I can be a cherished beloved partner AND a dirty little whore. *sigh*
As a learning gentleman, I'm discovering the intrinsic details of an all around sexual relationship. There must always be an alluring mystery.
The attitudes are mutually exclusive but equally necissary. When you can "Cherish" and "Belove" a partner, then the partner can enjoy being a "dirty little whore"
For me, I just like the fact that she can always expect me to open the car door for her, but never expect when she's forced to get into the car head first in the parking garage. }:D
Oh, said perfectly as per usual.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Master Tee Oh Oh
Honest to God, it's what makes our relationship work. I love her more than life itself, with every ounce of love and affection in my heart, but she's always going to be my own personal dirty little whore. It's what gets her off, and there is nothing more important to me in this or any other world.
The funny? Oh, that's because somewhere, someone is falling out of a relationship like this and she's calling her emasculated male friend saying "I think he doesn't love me anymore because he doesn't treat me like a dirty little bitch" and the friend can't make sense of it.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Well I think the universal rule here is that when you're on a equal playing feild, you're on an equal playing field. REGARDLESS of how you treat each other, the connection between you two is what allows understanding between fantasy and reality. "Crossing the Line" isn't an issue because you're comfortable enough to not have a line...it's just a "what gets you going" and "what doesn't"
I mean I may come across serious, but I am a goofy muthah first and foremost...this kind of activity is new and invigorating simply because...it's a serious kinda goofy I guess? I dunno.
And I must admit, I'm new hand at this, but am enjoying it as I love new things...
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
Maybe you need to explain to him the difference between abuse and consentual bdsm? Guys are taught to never hit women and whatnot, so it can be tough for them to wrap their minds around the fact that it's OK if you ask for it.
Or maybe start off with some non-bedroom dominance activities, like him just asking you to do stuff and then rewarding you (or punishing if you're bad ;D).
He might just be shy to let himself go that way, myabe it will come when you guys are closer. Or maybe he's just really really not into it, in which case I can say: I'm sorry, I feel your pain.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
I agree with most of what Scarlett said. Add some light s&m porn, maybe even in magazine form to start with and maybe that will help.
This is what I've done in similar situations with my boyfriend:
Look for a magazine that suited my sexual flavor of the week. Show it to my bf, starting with the plain vanilla stuff and say things like "Ooh that looks so hot', etc,etc and when I get to the naughty not-so-vanilla stuff, I'd lower my voice a little and say "I LOVE it when you (Insert thing you enjoy here) and if I had this added to it, I think I'd have the BEST orgasm EVER." Then I start nibbling on the ear and talking about the picture/movie/etc and how turned on I am....and it usually ends quite well!!!
It's all about baby steps, too. I've eased my bf into stuff like that. My bf loves it, but he won't initiate it ...I have to give him 'the look' and he knows that I want kink.
-
Re: Boyfriend wont dominate me in bed!
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html
and I have some good books also if you want