-
I hate heroin
Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend passed away from a heroin overdose. Recently we'd been having a lot of personal conflicts with each other, but I had dated him for a good period of time and he was the only person that I ever considered possibly being with for the rest of my life. I am hurt and shocked and also angry. He was 30 yrs old, and he'd experimented with stupid drugs in the past(early 20s) but miraculously survived. During the time that we dated, he drank a bit generously and smoked pot on occasion but stayed away from drugs. Recently however, he started getting into heroin and coccaine and his 18-yr-old roommate started doing it with him. (He was living with his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and his brother's girlfriend's 18-yr-old kid brother.) I am very upset and this comes as a shock right before a family holiday.
His brother "Ed" (the one he lived with) looked completely devastated when I visited him today, to the point that it hurt to even look at him. Ed and my ex were very close. Ed was starting to make positive changes with his life, and now I(amongst others) are worried that he might become upset to the point that he might do something destructive. Although Ed's done more than his fair share of drug experimentation, he has been against heroin for some time because a past girlfriend of his overdosed from it a few years ago. He was outraged when Karl confessed that he was trying heroin and told him that he didn't want the stuff in the house. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that Ed must be feeling now. :(
All of this, right before Thanksgiving and in the same year as my mom's death. I feel so confused, and in shock, and depresed, all at the same time. I want to have fun because it's a holiday, but at the same time I feel so upset. I stayed home from work tonight and didn't even go out to the bars to meet up with friends like I usually do right before Thanksgiving. I wish this were a made-up story like most of Xiomara's stories were. Why does this stuff have to happen?? :'(
-
Re: I hate heroin
Oh, my God. Honey, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say.
-
Re: I hate heroin
I regret not stopping by their house last night before all of this happened. I was driving on my way to a strip club not far from where they lived, and it meant passing his street along the way. However, we'd had problems lately and he didn't want me visiting his house, even if it was to see the other 3 people he lived with. I wish I'd stopped by unwelcomed, anyway. Maybe someone coulda clued me in on what was happening and I coulda done something. Probably not, but I wish I'd seen him one last time. :'(
-
Re: I hate heroin
Aww, girl. I know it's hard, but don't do that to yourself. There's no one you could have known what was gonna happen. Forgive yourself now so you can grieve appropriately.
-
Re: I hate heroin
Yes, but at least when my mom passed away, it was after we'd made truce and come to an understanding(like my ex, there was a time that my mom and I had a lot of disagreements to the point that she kicked me out and refused to talk to me...but then we made up). I regretted the fact that I didn't spend enough time with my mom during the months that she'd avoided speaking to me, but I was glad that we'd come to terms. My mom died 9 months ago and it still hurts to talk about it, almost as much as it hurts to talk about my ex, who just passed away earlier today.
I think I'm gonna start avoiding ongoing battles with loved ones and people close to me. There are times that I will get in fights with friends or family members, and go for periods of time where we hold grudges against each other and stop talking. We usually make up eventually, but in this case, I don't have that option. For example, my dad and I got into a big argument tonight about some stuff related to my ex's death(he was very insensitive and condescending and said some offensive things), but I do not want to avoid him...because what if something happens to him and I never get to make up with him? Anything can happen to someone at any given time. For example, my ex toyed with heroin years ago, survived two heart attacks before the age of 29, and survived doing countless other stupid stuff...plus, he'd stopped doing drugs until very recently...so who woulda ever expected something like this to happen? So I guess I should count my blessings each day and keep my close friends/family close to me.
-
Re: I hate heroin
And that's all you can do.
-
Re: I hate heroin
One other thing...I have a weird story to tell.
Over five years ago, I had a very scary dream that felt more real than any other dream I've had to date. Back then, me and my ex's brother Ed had this ongoing rivalry thing. (At the time, I didn't know my future ex-bf that well at all, and had only met himn a few times.) In my dream, a group of people were after Ed...I think it involved both gansters and the cops/authorities. Ed realized that he had nowhere to turn to escape them, and knew that getting killed by the gangsters were inevitable, so he committed suicide by intentionally overdosing on heroin. Then the dream flipped to his funeral, where every girl from my high school class was there, bawling their eyes out. Meanwhile, I was just standing around in complete shock. In the dream, I actually felt really bad in spite of the rivalry that me and Ed had at the time. The dream actually made me feel horrible that I'd been so mean to Ed before when he hadn't warranted it. Then I woke up, and it took a few minutes before I was sure that it had only been a dream and not real. But it seemed like a likely situation, knowing the scrapes that Ed and my ex tended to get into from time to time.
So for a while, I was convinced that this dream was a caveat of something to happen. I told some friends, including my ex, and expressed worry for Ed. I was honestly convinced that it was only a matter of time before this happened. In the case of real life, it happened but instead of involving Ed, it involved the person that I best related to Ed, being his brother. It freaks me out.
As far as my ex's situation goes, there is some shady stuff that needs explaining and filling in. For example, who were the guys that were over his house last night? Who supplied the heroin? What activities was my ex involved in(dealing, etc) that consisted of keeping 4+ bags of heroin in his bedroom?(this was later found by detectives, who tore his bedroom apart during the investigation) I hope the overdose wasn't intentional on my ex's part?(he tried commiting suicide once before, back when he was 22, before I knew him) Who was the gay guy that his roommate(the 18-yr-old boy) left with early this morning on a trip to Virginia?(Ed and his girlfriend said they didn't know the gay guy well, and had only met him once.) And why would someone take a last-minute trip to Virginia right before a family holiday, especially if he doesn't even have any relatives in Virginia?? And when this kid and the gay guy left for Virginia this morning, was my ex still alive, and if not, could they have been aware of what happened? Ed and his girlfriend haven't been able to get a hold of this boy, because all he did was call his mom and notify her that he'd be going to Virginia. They are worried sick. I really hope that this kid gets back safely.
-
Re: I hate heroin
Philly, so sorry that you've gonethrough this. I also feel for your ex's family. I've gone through similar things with family members. As for your ex's brother, unfortunately all you can do is be there for him, if you so choose. However, only HE will decide how he is to cope with such a terrible thing. As for you, try not to drive yourself crazy with the 'what if's', recollection of dreams, other questions and worries, etc. That kind of stuff can consume a person, at least it had for me in the past. The 'what if's' and the regrets can be the worst, and I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice on how to stop those thoughts from going through your head....but if you can, try to focus on the positive memories or anything else to not make yourself crazy with the 'what if's', etc. Best wishes to you.
-
Re: I hate heroin
*hugs* I hope you feel better...
If it starts to bug ya, pull over (as much as you should just drive)
curl up in the vw van and call!
*huggles*
-
Re: I hate heroin
I'm so sorry :hug: I've lived with this fear before.
-
Re: I hate heroin
Philly, hang in there girl. Words can't describe the sorrow I feel for you right now. I can relate to your situation in more ways than one. -(Even your dream of the similar event happening w/ Ed)
You know what they say..."When it rains, it pours". -That almost seems insensitive to mention. But it seems like that's how it always works out. Just remember as bad as things are now, they will get that much better very soon. Take one day @ a time. Know that there truly isn't anything you could do about it. It's not your fault. Everything happens for a reason. Death is a part of life. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. **HUGS**
-
Re: I hate heroin
To the moderators: When I first wrote this thread prior to the SW site updates, I had a sad face next to the thread's title. Now there is a pink happy face. Could one of you please change it back? Happiness is NOT what I am feeling, and heorin is a serious issue...no joking matter. Sorry if I sound kinda irritable...I've been depressed and moping for the last couple of days. But if you could get rid of that stupid happy face, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
-
Re: I hate heroin
I wanted to reply, I am very sorry.
I've lost a friend and nearly my brother because of oxycontin and prescription drugs. My brother has been trying heroin, but thank god he's in jail right now.
I wish people would understand drugs are not a victimless crime. The victims are hurting everywhere.
If it makes you feel better, I think a lot of your ex's anger comes from the downers. I call it being heroin bitchy. They say hurtful things and get violent, and I don't think it's what they really mean.
Obviously you were important to him. I'm sorry.
-
Re: I hate heroin
PD, when i lost my sister it really helped to talk to a therapist. being that you said you lost your mom 9 months ago and now this, if you arent speaking to someone now, maybe you should consider it. i find it really really helpful. im sorry for your loss.