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Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Ok give me alittle advice here. I have a regular that has been my regular for close to 3 years now. We are friends outside of the club, only friends, nothing wierd or sexual. I am completely not attracted to him, so that will never be an issue plus I have a bf and he knows about him.
So when he first started coming in he spent good money, didnt stay all night and I wasnt expected to sit with him ALL night long. Recentally he has started to spend less, but expect more and I know its because he thinks we "are friends" and he doesnt have to pay for my time. I have told him before that work is business and I am there to make money and he says he understands but he doesnt do anything to show me that he understands. I have made insinuations that he doesnt spend enough money anymore and have straight out told him that no other girl would sit around with him all night for such little money. He said he knows and he appreciates it but DAMMIT he isnt showing me monetarily that he appreciates me! The problem I have is that I KNOW he has the money, he makes really good money, but he is CHEAP as hell!!! He is my friend in real life, but at my job I dont care much about his friendship and I WANt HIS MONEY!!!! He has aspergers syndrome so I am always afraid that he is going to misconstrue what I say or that he just isnt understanding that what he is doing isnt the norm and its not gonna fly forever. If he was a regular custy I would have told him to piss off by now, but he has been a loyal and good customer and is a good friend and person to have around in case of anything emergency wise. I am to the point now that obviously my words are doing nothing, so am I just going to have to milk him dry early in the evening and then ditch him to work the crowd? Like show him that I cant afford to just sit with him all night when he isnt ponying up the bucks? Maybe he will be willing to pay more if he doesnt have me and sees that I am in demand and dont have to sit with him all night? I just really dont want to be that outright rude to him because he is very senstive and kinda pathetic...I feel sorry for him alot of the time and especially because of the aspergers...any advice that isnt super harsh?
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
hmm...i'm not a dancer, but if it were me, the next time he wants to hang out with you outside the club tell him "I cant i'm too tired from having to work extra hours cause I sat around with you all night ahah" and laugh. then when he says "seriously?" smile while saying "yha....so...I need to go to sleep now, it was really exhasting, dont know if I'm going to be able to make the money back like that again" and at that point he should let you go 'to sleep'. It may not work, but if youve already told him hes not paying out enough in the club, and you think it maybe becuase he can see you outside of it for free, start limiting that time a little. If he cares about you he shouldn't want to hear that your so tired and had to work extra hours just to make up work lost from talking to him. If he doesnt offer more at the club next time hes in you could puedo jokingly say "well I really cant bare to work a 'make-up shift' like i did last week so I need to hit the floor and go make some cash, unless you want to compensate my time here with you ::wink smile::" if he says 'no go ahead' then go make your cash, if he says alright...then youll be making cash from him again:) like I said I'm not a dancer, but it seems like it may work
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
^^^Why do non-strippers feel the need to chime in on STRIPPING GENERAL threads??::)
Anyway, I've had many customers like this before. The best way that I've found to deal with them is to give them attention in small doses. When he first gets to the club, sit with him as you normally would and talk, whatever. Don't stay too long, maybe 4-5 songs. Ask for a dance. If he says no, then say something like, "Well, I really have to be making some money so, I'll check back in on you in a little bit." This should clue him in that you are there to WORK and need to make MONEY! If he is truly your friend, he should respect your need to make a living.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
My fiance has aspergers. This means that insinuations are completely lost on him. You have to tell him outright. Be as careful as you want to be, but be straightforward. I can't predict his reaction because I don't know him. But believe me, he isn't getting your subtle hints. He can't. That's the nature of the syndrome.
Consider saying something very honest like, "You know I really enjoy spending time with you, but time is money in this business. I AM at work. If you don't mind me working the room, I'll stop back by when I have a chance. If you'd like me to stay, I really need to be on the clock."
If he has trouble with literal interpretation he may even have a problem with 'on the clock' and so on. You may just have to say, "Hey, I need to get paid while I'm here." Seems rude to neurotypical people, but might be exactly what he needs.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
I'm with Glamazon. Just talk to him for a song, and ask if he wants a dance or VIP. If he says no, just say something like, "Well, okay. I'm going to go make some money then, and I'll come back and check on you later!" Then go and do that. When you check back with him, don't spend more than one song talking before popping the question again. If he still doesn't want a dance, do the same thing. If he complains that you're not talking to him for free anymore, just sweetly remind him that you're at work and you have to make money. A true friend would understand.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Even though Joplin is not a dancer, I still think she gave some good advice. That just might work! ;)
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
An ex-b and Dr. Phil says "you teach people how to treat you" and over the past year when I heard that phrase, I've learned that it's so true. If he can get away with not paying you while you sitting there with him, then he will! He probably thinks that since "you're friends" that he doesn't have to pay because now why would a friend charge another friend to hang out?::) I think everyone's given great advice on how to handle it. I'm not familar with Aspergers Syndrome so I don't know how he'd act or whatever, I do think that you could sit a couple songs with him and ask if he wants a dance or wants you guys to spend more time together and if he says "yes" then say "well, since I am at work, I will need to be paid for my time" if he doesn't do it, then say it was nice seeing you but I have to go make money, gotta pay my bills. ANd then maybe say hi real quick later on. After a few times of coming in and this happening, he'll realize how valuable your time really is. I think when we "allow" customers to get our time w/o paying, it devalues our time. Trust me, if he wants to spend time in the club with you bad enough, he'll pony up, if not, him being a friend should understand that you're there to work not socialize for free all night!
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
WhiteTara
My fiance has aspergers. This means that insinuations are completely lost on him. You have to tell him outright. Be as careful as you want to be, but be straightforward. I can't predict his reaction because I don't know him. But believe me, he isn't getting your subtle hints. He can't. That's the nature of the syndrome.
Consider saying something very honest like, "You know I really enjoy spending time with you, but time is money in this business. I AM at work. If you don't mind me working the room, I'll stop back by when I have a chance. If you'd like me to stay, I really need to be on the clock."
If he has trouble with literal interpretation he may even have a problem with 'on the clock' and so on. You may just have to say, "Hey, I need to get paid while I'm here." Seems rude to neurotypical people, but might be exactly what he needs.
Very good situation specific advice! Kudos to you!
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
I think he actaully thinks he is paying decently when he really isnt. Like how is a way to say, "yeah you spend money but not ENOUGH MONEY for me to sit with you for 7hours" I have told him before about my other regular who comes in for maybe 2 hours and spends more than him...he just said something like "oh wow"... I just get stuck so between a rock and a had place because since he is my friend I dont want to come off as rude.. I feel like "oh well yeah youre my friend but you pay like shit, sorry if that offends you, but pony up or go home" I just dont know how he is gonna take it because I have NEVER not sat with him all night before. I have got to stop feeling sorry for him because its his fault, hes being cheap and greedy and he knows it.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
what is asperagers syndrome?
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
josie
what is asperagers syndrome?
"Asperger's Syndrome is a complex brain dysfunction related to Autism. It is not a mild form of Autism. It is a disabling condition which may marginalize sufferers. Individuals with this syndrome usually have normal intelligence but have extremely poor social and communication skills."
Basically in a nutshell they have problems knowing what is appropriate in social situations..my customer has mild aspergers, its not really extreme like some cases where it is described as being "functioning autism"
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
<just get stuck so between a rock and a had place because since he is my friend I dont want to come off as rude.>
This is from the diagnostic criteria for Asperger Syndrome. (AS is a type of autism for those who don't know):
4.Speech and language problems
(at least three of the following)
(a) delayed development
(b) superficially perfect expressive language
(c) formal, pedantic language
(d) odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics
(e) impairment of comprehension including misinterpretations of literal/implied meanings
Echo, he is NOT going to get it if you tell him how much others spend. He's not going to get any kind of 'hint' at all. He has to be told. And if he's like my honey he'll be deeply embarrassed, maybe humiliated, possibly angry at you...the reaction will vary depending on how severe his autism is. You can judge based on past behavior. I don't know how this will affect your decision to confront him, but just know that it has to be as blatant as you can possibly make it.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
you need to be harsh - you have to. this is your work. does he work? maybe ask him if he would work all day for free or very little money.
you cannot rely on explanations or telling him coz this hasn't work so u are going to have to show him - just stop sitting with him. as the other posts said spend a couple of songs with him and then move on.
i really disagree with good friends coming in to the club during work unless they understand the nature of the business and dont interfere with you making money.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
I thought he did understand and to a degree I know he does understand... HE IS BEING CHEAP on purpose. Why pay more when he is getting it for cheap? As I said he does have aspergers but a MILD case...its very MILD. I try to be as gentle with things as I can but there have been times when I have FLAT OUT told him things I disliked or that were annoying and he still kinda ignored me. I dont know if it just passes right through his mind, or if he is ignoring me to see if he can still "get away with it" or what. I mean it all comes down to the fact that at work he has a customer mentality of getting the most he can for the least amount of cash, so it only makes sense that I should have he dancer mentality of milking him for all his loot.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Okay. I might be the only person that actually thinks it is weird for you to either dance or have someone pay you with whom you are friends outside the club. I think that is actually the root of the problem. You should not have your friends be customers. Like really - you're saying it isn't sexual but the guy is coming to a strip club and paying you (albeit underpaying you).
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
I agree with you 100% and I dont do that anymore. He started as a customer years ago when I was a newbie and didnt really know that much better. He started coming in to see me all the time and then he would pay me to hang with him OTC for movies, concerts whatever. Then it just kinda changed from him paying me OTC club to a more "friends thing" and he didnt pay me anymore and I started to somewhat enjoy the occassioanal outing. I only hang with him like 1-2 a month, its not a all the time thing or anything. And of course this is the root of the problem but its a little late now dont ya think? And I meant it isnt a sexual relationship, as in we dont have sex and I never will. Its sexual for him in the club and I know he would fuck/date me if he had the chance, but he knows this isnt going to happen. I dont hang with any other customer s or regulars anymore, I know better but that doesnt fix the other situation. I am not going to just tell him to fuck off...
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
I agree. Dude can be a friend or a customer but not both. Once he's crossed that line to friend it's imposssible to take back. About three times I've met guys who I've preferred to have as friends, so I stopped taking their money to dance naked for them. That's about three guys out of 20-30 thousand so it's worked out pretty well.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
But I WANT his money too...why cant I have both? I mean either my plan to ignore him til he pays will either work or it wont and the problem will solve itself. Either he will pay me more in the club, or he will find another ATF who will replace me...Though I highly doubt unless the girl is desperate for cash he will find someone else to sit with him all night for the low-low...haha
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
If you hang out with him outside the club then you need to tell him that in the club he either has to pay you more, or that he can get limited free time with you outside the club. Your work time is just that- work time. You need to make the most of it that you can. If he isn't paying you the amount you expect/deserve or can make if you weren't sitting with him, then you need to only see him outside. Or only in the club and limit your time with him. You choose.
Before going to that extreme, I agree with some of the girls above. Try sitting with him for a bit and then saying you need to work the room and make more money and that you'll check on him later. He'll prob be shocked that you're actually going to leave him sitting there. But that's a GOOD thing. It'll hopefully give him a kick start in realizing the situation. If a 'hint' like that doesn't work. Then tell him straight out.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Jenny
Okay. I might be the only person that actually thinks it is weird for you to either dance or have someone pay you with whom you are friends outside the club. I think that is actually the root of the problem. You should not have your friends be customers. Like really - you're saying it isn't sexual but the guy is coming to a strip club and paying you (albeit underpaying you).
OK OK!! Jenny you are a hard shell to crack! Its hard to explain in words, he is my friend outside of work but he is also a customer. I never think he is more of a friend than a customer, he is just alittle better than most customers. I really cant explain it so that it makes sense...because he is a customer he will ALWAYS be customer in my mind...that will never change. Kinda like when a dancer says to a guy "I dont date customers" and the guy says "Well I am not a customer" and she says "As soon as you stepped foot in the door you were a customer and thats all you will ever be" Kinda like that. I respect him as a person and I care about him but he is and always will be a customer.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
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Originally Posted by
echomadison
But I WANT his money too...why cant I have both?
Perhaps because he chooses not to give both.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
echomadison
I mean either my plan to ignore him til he pays will either work or it wont and the problem will solve itself. Either he will pay me more in the club, or he will find another ATF who will replace me...Though I highly doubt unless the girl is desperate for cash he will find someone else to sit with him all night for the low-low...haha
Sounds good to me. You intend to transition him back into a customer. Unless there's some additional unstated problem or concern here that's making you hesitate, it sounds like this plan is a workable solution.
-Ev
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
The only problem I have is the one I have had since I started this thread. I dont want to look like an ungrateful money loving gold-digger to someone who doesnt understand alot of social etiquettes...\
Man I just kinda feel like I am getting slammed for having some sort of consceince in regards to someone who has always been nice to me. I guess for some people, not wanting to seem like a total cunt to a customer doesnt make much sense but in this case I think it does.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
echomadison
Man I just kinda feel like I am getting slammed for having some sort of consceince in regards to someone who has always been nice to me. I guess for some people, not wanting to seem like a total cunt to a customer doesnt make much sense but in this case I think it does.
Honey, you need an infusion of stripper blood, I think you're low. ;)
The trouble here is, it seems to me, you've got a person behaving as neither a friend nor customer. Think about this a moment. If he's your customer, he'd be paying you what you're charging for your time. And he wouldn't be offended when you slipped off to other customers when his spending stopped. He'd understand that's the way the business works. If he's your friend, he wouldn't be paying you for your time. But he still wouldn't be offended when you slipped off to work the paying customers when your break time with him was over. He'd understand that's the way the business works.
The complication in this case is he may, or may not, fail to understand this social dynamic because of his condition. However, you can't change his condition, so what do you want to do? Restore the balance that a normal customer/dancer or friend/dancer relationship has so you can make a living, or continue the present imbalance? It's commendable that you don't want to hurt his feelings, and we've tried to offer some suggestions, but there are no magic bullets. Or perhaps we're unaware of them. Maybe you should go Googling more information on this condition to see if there are some recommendations for communications which we don't know about.
-Ev
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
shoot, he could always start giving you a monthly allowance so that way you're not having to worry about the timeclock when you're with him in the club, or wondering if you're shooting yourself by hanging with him outside the club.
present it to him like a business proposals:
I see you x times outside the club twice a month for x hours.
You come to hang out with me x times a week for x hours.
I need to make x amount per month, so if I'm spending x time with you, then would it be possible to have you give me x dollars so I don't have to worry about work when I'm hanging out with you.
why are you worried about appearing rude when this guy is rude as a condition-- I would think that would allow you to be more rude in the generally accepted definition of rude-- the guy would just think you're speaking his language.
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Re: Not really sure how to broach a particular topic...
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Originally Posted by
fancygirl
why are you worried about appearing rude when this guy is rude as a condition-- I would think that would allow you to be more rude in the generally accepted definition of rude-- the guy would just think you're speaking his language.
LOL...you're killing me tonight...but it's so true!