really disappointed in myself
ok, i debated over posting this because of some of the reactions i'm afraid i'll get, but i am anyway, so please be nice.
i've posted before about doing coke and stopping and then messing up again. this time i didnt touch it for 2 months. i was afraid that when i went back to my old club i'd do it again, but even when i had the chance before (done in front of me, offered, etc) i never did it so i wasnt too worried. but i have been doing it again and i feel like shit about it. i hate it and every time i do it i get really upset with myself and cry. i know i dont want to do it and i dont know why i do.
i considered telling my parents and going back home for a while but i just cant imagine doing that. i really wanted to take a break from school and go home and get away from everything but i know i cant do that. so i dont know WHAT to do. any advice?
:'(
Re: really disappointed in myself
No point in beating yourself up now. Instead, figure out the best way for it not to happen again. Then do that. If it's time off, then do it. If you need to share with your parents, do that. Just don't screw up again. Just makes it harder.
Re: really disappointed in myself
First of all, take a step back and stop beating yourself up. Nothing is ever hopeless, you're just so "in it" right now. You're emotions are all over the place that's why you need to take a step back, pull yourseft together emotionaly and get centered again. Please do that first. Now, I need to ask you, why is it you feel so strongly that you can't go back home? If you don't want to broadcast it, PM. I've fought a few demons myself over the years. (((((HUGS)))))
Re: really disappointed in myself
I agree with Rozz, you need to figure out what made you do it this time, but not any of the other times in the last two months. Make the changes needed to stay away from it, be it time off, or confiding in some close t you that will help you through it. Either way you need to get help!
I remember a quote from Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue that is sooooo true, he said, " when someones car breaks they take it to a mechanic, becuase they are the specialist, yet every addict thinks they can fix themselves"
Either way hang in there, you have plenty of support here from everybody. ((britt))
Re: really disappointed in myself
^ yes. and remove yoruself from the situations where it is around and being used. if you have a friend you do it wiht, avoid them for a while til you can easily say no. but def stop beating yourself up. everyone makes mistakes!
Re: really disappointed in myself
As said stay away from it, but I must also add remove from your life the people that do it ( tough one ). Some people can still be around it but I don't think you have passed the test yet . I just found that other troubles seemed to follow this kind of atmosphere ( lifestyle ). Its not going to be easy but believe me your quality of life will improve . ;)
Re: really disappointed in myself
Quote:
Originally Posted by
britt244
but i have been doing it again and i feel like shit about it. i hate it and every time i do it i get really upset with myself and cry. i know i dont want to do it and i dont know why i do.
:'(
:hug: Okay I don't want to pry, but did something happen to make you want to do it again? I've been off that shit almost a year and I know EXACTLY what you mean about it making you feel like shit, crying, and not knowing why you do it. I STILL don't know why I did coke. It never once made me feel good. I think maybe I liked snorting a strange and dangerous substance up my nose. I don't know. Don't be hard on yourself; you obviously don't enjoy doing it. Get rid of whoever or whatever is causing you to feel like you should do it. I know it's hard. I still get cravings and feel super guilty about it. The urge is always going to be there. I just remember how awful it made me feel, how my bf left me, and how I almost flunked out of school. It isn't worth it. I still fight it every day. If you need someone I'm here.:hug:
Re: really disappointed in myself
thank you guys so much! i really appreciate it. im actually embarrassed to go to work tonight, and it takes a lot for me to be embarrassed! i dont remember most of last night though...
im not sure what made me do it. i did it with somebody ive never done it with before. i was super drunk, which i shouldnt have been and i dont know how i got that drunk (i dont remember drinking that much).
as for why i cant go home.. i have school and my apartment. the apartment i can deal with, whatever, but i cant stop going to school. i really *want* to take a break but it just isnt really possible right now. i graduate in the fall, so it doesnt make sense for me to stop now.
i'll be home all next week for spring break so hopefully i'll figure something out.