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Hitting up friends for money
There's a woman I've been hanging out with a lot. She works at a club I used to frequent, though is on hiatus for pregnancy right now. I met her when she did amateur night on the same night as my then-girlfriend. When she was workign, she woudl spend time sitting and talking with me to the point where I had to encourage her to go actually work. I never bought a dance from her and she never asked. I would tip her at the stage generally, but I doubt I ever gave her more than $8 or so in a night. In short, no way was I her customer.
She gave me her number and we took to talking frequently outside as well. Then, a few months ago, she got stranded in another city a few hours from hoem because the girl she was travelling with flaked on her and called me to come get her.
She has no license for the moment thanks to a rather stupid thing she did a year and a half ago, though has fulfilled the requirements to get ti back and is essentially waiting to hear back from the judge now. I've given her some rides in the meantime, though not excessively and she's only asked when she needs to go to the hospital or class or other critical places. Her financial situation has been bad, not so much because of low earnings as a lot of legal and medical expenses. I've bought her some food as well, but it's not like I'm her sole means of eating. This was all volunteered by me. She never requested it.
Basically, my point is that she hasn't asked me for money historically. When I was bringing her home a few months ago, she insisted on paying me for gas even when I tried to refuse because I knew she couldn't afford it. Last week, she worried about using too much of my money when she bought a second slice of pizza when I took her to get something to eat after a hospital trip.
Then, yesterday, she called me telling she was planning a trip to California with her girlfriends before she had her kid and she was calling all her friends to ask them to donate toward it. By the context, I take it she meant her guy friends. I was seriously taken aback. It was like she was asking me to determine the dollar value of our friendship and then pay up. I thought it was somewhat tacky to hit up her regulars for money for something that didn't really involve benefit to them (like her company), but to ask her friends was downright garish. Come to think of it, I may be her onyl male friend other than customers, a few ouncers and managers and the one ex she still speaks to. Besides the general social impropriety of asking friends to just give you money for a non-necessity, she knows I don't make much more than she does. I'm not sure how to politely handle this. Am I overreacting here? Is this pretty much part and parcel with knowing strippers?
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
You are not overreacting and this is definitely NOT part and parcel with knowing strippers. Don't give her any money. If SHE wants to go to California with her friends for FUN, then SHE can find a way to pay for it!
Ugh...haven't we talked about this girl with you before?
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Yes, this is the same one. Like I said, she doesn't have a hostory fo this, at least with me, though thinking back, she's seemed to think her parents are obligated to do things like finance her schooling even though she's 22 and long out of the house. My main concern is how to communicate to her that I don't think it was appropriate for her to ask me and that I was offended without coming across as judgemental or condescending since she gets enough of that already.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
That's not cool, it sounds like to me she's trying to hustle her friends. :-\
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
A good stripper shouldnt have to borrow money even if she is taking time off.
Don't give her anything, she wont pay u back and she will expect more loans in the future.
Keep money and friendship separate - ALWAYS.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jaizaine
A good stripper shouldnt have to borrow money even if she is taking time off.
Don't give her anything, she wont pay u back and she will expect more loans in the future.
Keep money and friendship separate - ALWAYS.
OMG, I totally agree on all of the above points!
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
I've lent her money before. Always in the $20 range or so and she always paid me back promptly. This time she wasn't asking for a loan, though. She was asking for a gift.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Clark
I've lent her money before. Always in the $20 range or so and she always paid me back promptly. This time she wasn't asking for a loan, though. She was asking for a gift.
Like you haven't already done enough for her.::)
I'm glad that you're offended by her question. She really crossed the line with this one, and I'm glad that you agree.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Just some things to remember:
You are not a bank. If you need a loan, you go to the bank, not a friend.
You are not a taxi. The occasional lift is alright, if a friend needs me I will help them as long as it's not an everyday thing. (I noted that she tried to offer you gas money)
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Clark,
I would strongly recommend you read your story as you wrote it as someone else reading the post.
You'll see some pretty clear red flags.
Stop making concessions because she's a stripper.
Friends don't ask friends for money unless it's a last resort. Don't let her depend on you financially in any aspect. You have your own problems to deal with.
When you want to go on vacation, would you ask her for money? Especially if you had no intent of taking her? The fact that you're even asking shows you know something is up.
But I also understand you don't want to tell her to fuck off, but to be honest, you're letting her start to walk on you bro.
Mast.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
In my experience of life, in dealing with both sexes:
No good deed goes unpunished.
You can find better friends than her. Being attractive isn't the be-all and end-all. Find someone who will treat you better and spend your time on cultivating that friendship.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
To make things clear: inever had any intention of giving her money. This wasn't so much a question of whether it was a reasonable thing to ask as whether she could have had a good-faith belief it was reasonable. I am now convinced she definitely shoudl have known better. I think mainly wanted to air it because it was such a strike against what attracted me to her in the first place (sensitivity to other's feelings and self-reliance). Today, I impressed upon her that it's a hardship on me to drive her to school and she foudn another ride. She also didn't bring up the money. If she does bring it up in the future, I'm going to have to confront her.
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You were right, I was wrong
Reposted from my blog:
Her friend finally got back to me. Much as I like her, I've always been suspicious. Granted, I am more or less incapable of trusting anyone. A few weeks ago, I heard her planning a wedding on the phone. It sounded like it was her wedding because she kept talking about the bridesmaids as if they were hers. I asked who was getting married. She said her sister.
She took this trip to San Diego. She told me her friend was getting married in Vegas to someone in the military (basically a sham wedding so he'd get paid more), then she was going to see some friends in San Diego. She asked me to stay at her apartment and watch her dogs while she was gone.
As I said. I don't trust anyone. I always have my ear to the ground. Today, I found out she is in Vegas because she's getting married. I had had vague suspicions she was going out there to meet some sort of guy she was involved with from the way she talked about him, but hadn't really tied the trip and wedding in my head. Apparently, she trusts me in the sense that I can be left alone at her apartment for several days and not take her stuff, but not enough to tell me truth. She never really did much to lead me on, so I can't fault her for that, but not telling me about getting married is a major omission. I can respect omissions, though. Hell, my parents don't know about my last year of college. Lying when directly asked about it is worse.
The irony is that I was hoping that if she had no interest in me, we'd be the sort of friends who would be invited to each other's weddings. I would have helped her anyway. Her dogs need the same amount of help whether she has a man in Nevada or not. I was concerned that she might think I was only helping her to get in her pants. While I did have some hope of that, that wasn't the reason, or I needed to believe it wasn't. I had asked myself multiple times would I have done this if she were overweight, or a guy or I just flat knew I had no chance. Then, I think about those times I did thinks like took care of customer's in the club who were blackout drunk or everything i've done for my ex. She knows about these things and should know me better than that. I was concerned she would think I was just trying to get some as I know she thinks that's the only reason people help her. I guess I should have been concerned the other direction about this. She thought I wanted to sleep with her, so did what she could to make me believe there was a possibility so I would continue to help her.
I usually have more sense than this. Not that I ever completely believed her, but generally speaking, I draw the line at things people don't need. Since she was pregnant and coming off a bad relationship, I was suckered her in to perceiving her as especially needy. Also, there was the fact I had known her for well over a year before she started needing favors beyond things like helping her keep track of her money while she was drunk. I'm not sure if she thinks this is acceptable behavior or this was a conscious plan to put me in reserve.
Basically, I got played. I didn't quite fall hook line and sinker, but enough for her to mostly get what she needed, though not any money for her trip. On a side note, apparently, her female friends got hit up for that as well.
This leaves the question of how to proceed. I'd like to let her know that I know without exposing my source. This is easy enough as I had pretty much figured it out anyway, so I could just make out like I figured it out completely. I don't want to confront her and fight. I just want her to realize that I care about her wellbeing and her kid's and hopefully make her realize she didn't have to lie to me and make her feel regret for doing so. Since making others feel anything in particular is a tall order, I'd settle for her just making her realize that I'm very good at finding things out. Me finding things out about people that they didn't want me to know is what got us really talking in the first place. Combine that with a distrustful nature and you have someone that's difficult to lie to. I want her to understand that I still care about her, but I'm hurt that she lied to me and perhaps even more hurt that she apparently thinks I'm stupid. I'd like to work this out quickly before she has more favors she needs as it seems almost cruel to let her think I believe her. I don't string friends along and let them believe what they want. I understand my failings. Now, I want her to understand hers.
I'm thinking about just telling her outright when she gets back that I've been helping her because she needs emotional and logistic support, not because I was trying to playing something and if she were a dude or ugly or married, I still would have been there for her, though I wouldn't have bought her those flowers.
My source tells me my problem is I'm actually attracted to women by their fucked-up qualities. I suppose this is true and comes from a combination of romantic/heroic fiction and growing up mostly unsocialized. Batman and Catwoman may be interesting to watch, but all they'd ever do is make each other miserable. I know what I want. I've met at least three such women.
I'm going to close with a quote that Andrew Sullivan is fond of using. It's from one of our best modern writers, George Orwell: "To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle." Out of all the world's problems, our own failing are the easiest to ignore and the most painful to face. I frequently can't even do it myself. I'm upset with her, but more than anything else, I fell sorry for her for thinking she needed to do this. I don't think she has even a single real friend and she's quite incapable of realizing why that is. It must be lonely, but I'm beginning to think I can't help her.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
So you have a hero mentality, You'll get in control of it, and it will be beneficial to you at some point. White Knights aren't ALL bad...
but dude, you're blogging this?
Just tell me it's a private blog... I mean you're 50% of the story so you have a right to share it with an limitless audience, but if I were to find out my actions involving you or as observed were on an openly public board to even that detail on a public viewable location, I'd end my 50% involvement immediately.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
WHAT?!!! I almost choked on my dessert as I read that?!
NOOOOOOOO. Is the answer!!!
Bloody hell if I rang my mates and asked for them all to chip in for me to go on holiday Im not sure that Id have mates afterwards!
And if someone asked me the same Id hang up on them!
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Honey, this girl is no friend of yours.
Cut ties with her. You owe her no explaination. She'll likely know why. She's not stupid. Give her her house keys when she gets back and don't speak to her again. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Please allow me to say: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaacky.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
If she is barely getting by financially, then she just needs to learn that sacrifice is a part of life, and the money she wants to spend to go on a trip needs to be saved for her baby, and if she can't affor to go without begging for handouts, she clearly just shouldn't go. Very inconsiderate. That's like....me being broke and scraping up pennies for gas but then asking my room mate to borrow money so I can get my nails done......not only should she not be asking for money for extravagancies, she shouldn't be asking period. I don't know if that makes sense.
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Re: You were right, I was wrong
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Clark
Reposted from my
blog:
<<snip>>
Why are you putting this in a public area? I guess I dont get 'personal' blogs. She went beyond good judgement. If she cannot afford the trip, she should just not go, not ask her friends to bankroll her. Ask her, just how much of a loan does she want for this trip.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
I posted it here because it's a follow-up and while the writing style is aimed at a different audience than here, I really didn't want to write that whoel thing twice. The blog is publically accessible, but all names are changed to protect the guilty. Anyone who reads it and knows who I'm talking about is someone I'd tell anyway.
She's back from her trip now. She called me to gripe that I had left a mess in her bathtub. No thanks for watching her dogs, who are some of the worst-behaved furry critters I've dealt with. For instance, last night while I was sleeping, they ate the back of one of my shoes and crapped all over the floor. That I did clean up. Tomorrow, I'm goign to go get back the suitcases I lent her and the food I left in her freezer and hopefully the $25 I lent her (she's always been good about repaying loans) and keep playing dumb, but talk to her about why I've helped her, and that I hope we're the sort of friends who would be invited to each other's weddings. At least I know the person who ratted her out (who has nothing to gain and plenty to lose) is a true friend.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
It's a hustle and a lame and overused one at that. No need for " friends" like this!!
Sonya
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
I had it figured pretty much all along she likely wasn't interested in me, but considering the amount of time we spent together, and that she spent money on me as well, it never occurred to me that it would be worth living a lie to get a few rides a week and get help cleaning one's house. When you subtract out the times she bought me dinner and count the times I bought her food and the gas for running her around, I was probably at about $100 for the three or four months she was needing stuff. It just boggles my mind that if it were a hustle instead of friendship that it would be worth the amount of time she spent for what payoff she got. Were were spending pretty much every waking momemt we weren't at work or school or asleep together for the last few weeks there. I think she's a compulsive liar. I also know I spent more time with her than anyone else she knows. I'm thinking she's a compulsive liar and this is the closest thing to a friendship she's capable of.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Clark
I had it figured pretty much all along she likely wasn't interested in me, but considering the amount of time we spent together, and that she spent money on me as well, it never occurred to me that it would be worth living a lie to get a few rides a week and get help cleaning one's house. When you subtract out the times she bought me dinner and count the times I bought her food and the gas for running her around, I was probably at about $100 for the three or four months she was needing stuff. It just boggles my mind that if it were a hustle instead of friendship that it would be worth the amount of time she spent for what payoff she got. Were were spending pretty much every waking momemt we weren't at work or school or asleep together for the last few weeks there. I think she's a compulsive liar. I also know I spent more time with her than anyone else she knows. I'm thinking she's a compulsive liar and this is the closest thing to a friendship she's capable of.
Clark, just tell her no and that's the end of it. You can judge by her reaction whether she's your friend.
I'd calm down a little bit before you decide stuff like that.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
Clark, from what I'm gathering, you want to talk to her about why you helped her and stuff so that you can get closure. But let me ask you this: Do you truly believe that you will get an honest answer that will help you to get "closure" from someone who you are beginning to view as a compulsive liar?
Seriously, I'd get (or try to get) my $25 and suitcases and bid this gal and any closure goodbye.
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Re: Hitting up friends for money
It's more like I want to test the limits of how far she'll take this. I'll make it increasingly difficult to lie, both in terms of playing on whatever conscience she has and practical matters lie innocently blundering into questions that go into the holes in her stories. I want to see if she'll crack and if she'll show any signs of remorse if she does. Basically, I want to know what her angle was. Did she somehow justify her behavior to herself (it was ok to take advantage of me because I was trying to take advantage of her or something) or is she beyond caring? I'm also concerned about the well-being of her kid, but I don't know what I can do in that regard.