and then it all kicked off...
I thought everything was peachy. yes so i may be a sneaky beasty with regards to living with my parents and keeping my job a secret. But i was successfully dancing to save up money to :
1.move in with my boyfriend
2. pay off my overdraft
3.get some money together for a big holiday we are taking this year
4.Have a job whilst still being able to focus on uni.
Last night me and my boyfriend lay down for a cuddle to watch the TV together. There was a documentary program on a strip club. And then suddenly it all kicked off.
3 hours later i'm sitting in tears on the couch after having our worst argument yet. apparently my job "isn't a respectable job" , and he doesn't respect women who do it. Then i ask if that means he doesnt respect me and he says he does respect me but repeats the above! Other things he hit out with were that i was too smart for this job, it wasn't a real job, that i just want to make money doing as little as possible.
I tried to explain to him that to make the same money i do now by working 2 nights at the weekend, i would need to work every evening during the week. and i have TRIED that. Every day i was getting up at 6 to get ready for uni (i have a long commute) and going straight to work from uni, then getting home at 11:30pm. The result of that was that i had a breakdown,whcih seemed to set off all my problems with depression/anxiety. Now i have got better and have finally found a lifestyle that works it's like everythings trying to get in my way.
to top it all of he rounds it all off by saying "if you don't quit then i'm telling your mum".
It's just so frustrating! i'm an adult who can make my own choices, and one of those is not to tell my parents, but he wants to force me into doing what he wants by disrespecting that choice.
Well i just don't know what to do now. I've been reading over lots of old threads and many say you shouldn't let others hold you back, and others say you shouldn't jeapordise relationshops for the sake of a job.
Me and my bf have been together for 2 1/2 years now and i really do love him. but last night i saw a nasty side of him, he gave me some really horrible looks and said some really horrible things.
I don't know. I could just work the rest of the summer so i can pay off my overdraft and get some money for the holidays, then live out the next two years at home in student skintdom while i finish uni. (but of course he will still tell my parents)
or i can add my bf to the list of people who my job is secret too (tell him i've got new job somewhere else for example)
or i can quit dancing now.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
I have a friend who was in the same position as you, who started keeping dancing secret from her boyfriend. They didn't live together so it was a bit easier. If I were in your position, I would flat out tell him I'm not quitting and he better start being supportive. The main problem though is that he's insecure and has power issues. Would you dare tell your boyfriend what job he could and couldn't have? It really bothered me that he threatened to tell your parents if you didn't quit. That is major manipulation and a serious red flag! It sounds like he's jealous and just trying to turn the blame and you by saying it isn't respectable.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
:hug: :hug: Wow, that was really rude of him to say to you. Has he voiced concerns about your job in the past? Honestly, I've been one of those girls that quit stripping for a guy. I was miserable, and my relationship didn't get better when I quit. I ended up resenting him because I felt like he wanted to control everything, including my job. We ended up breaking up and I went back to stripping 6 months later.
You have to weigh out what's important to you, because it's a personal situation.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
It will not make your relationship better. He will find something else to be controlling and manipulative about...esp since he will now see that you will indeed bow to his will.
If this is what YOU want to do...do it. You'd be better off getting a new boyfriend who accepts you for who you are then a new job that will run you ragged, make you miserable and then go hom to a guy who still might not respect you because you WERE a stripper.
You need to seriously rethink this relationship. And if he does tell the 'rents....he's just making stuff up to hurt you because you are fighting and thinking of leaving him. I doubt he has hard evidence to prove it...so just deny.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
If he respected you, he'd respect your choice. Drop him like a hot potato! (And then go find a guy who's just hot! XD)
Cam's got the right idea. If he *does* tell your parents, which I doubt 'cause he sounds like a hollow-threat making pansy, he's just making stuff up to get back at you.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
I'm curious what the documentary you were watching was like. Did it portray dancing in the typical way with all the stereotypes about dumb, exploited dancers and drugs and so on? I'm wondering if your boyfriend had an emotional reaction to the show and the idea that you were like the women in the show. Have you talked to him very much about the job and what goes on at work? Maybe you can defuse some of his paranoia about it. At any rate, he ought to know you and know that you're not the "typical" dumb stripper they like to put on television shows about strippers. You have your own reasons for doing this, and it sounds like you've thought it out. What the hell is wrong with wanting to make the most possible money for the least possible effort? When men do this, they're business geniuses. When women do it, they're lazy gold-diggers. Go figure.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Have you guys ever lived together before? A lot of relationships (including a couple I've been in) go thru that period around 2 and a half - 3 years where one or both people don't really know what to do - "break up or get married." Maybe he's freaking out because your relationship is moving to the next level (moving in together) so he picked a fight with you because he's feeling insecure about where things are going. It is pretty scary to realize that "my future is right here, staring me in the face," even when you do genuinely love that person. I personally sabotaged a relationship with a guy who was probably my soul mate because I freaked out (around the 2 and a half year mark) that we might be together forever.
So maybe he's picking a fight with you about that. Ask him if he's having doubts about moving in together. But if he's been controlling of other aspects of your life, I'd say move on. There's better guys out there.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
**controlling nature warning sign**
I can't stand that shit. And if he has a problem with it, it's childish to say he will "tattle" on you.
I would keep dancing just to spite him. Whatever happens out of that, who knows BUT if you do what he says he will think he can pull that crap over anything he wants to get his way on.
Holding ANYTHING you have confided in him with over your head is so so so wrong.
F*&k that!
Re: and then it all kicked off...
drop that zero!
He sounds childish, immature, manipulative, and insensitive.
I would bet this will become a recurring problem, with this and other subjects as well.
Welcome to the downward spiral.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
The sad truth is, as I've said many times before, a guy who reacts like that to your job choice is NOT going to be your life partner (well hopefully anyway because it would be a horrible relationship), is only going to hinder you and you WILL resent him later. Best thing you can do for yourself is to get rid of him.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
You and your BF have just discovered that you have vastly different values on some very important issues. Now you have to decide if the things you have in common are important enough for you to compromise or give up on the issues where you disagree. It's hard to do this when you have an emotional attachment to the other person.
You are lucky you found out about this now, instead of after living together for years, and maybe getting married and having a couple kids.
When you are thinking it through, do it on the assumption that he will NOT change his attitude, even if he says he will. Then you are prepared for the worst, and if it is better than that, that's a plus.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
UtahMike
You and your BF have just discovered that you have vastly different values on some very important issues. Now you have to decide if the things you have in common are important enough for you to compromise or give up on the issues where you disagree. It's hard to do this when you have an emotional attachment to the other person.
You are lucky you found out about this now, instead of after living together for years, and maybe getting married and having a couple kids.
When you are thinking it through, do it on the assumption that he will NOT change his attitude, even if he says he will. Then you are prepared for the worst, and if it is better than that, that's a plus.
genius info::)
Re: and then it all kicked off...
[QUOTE=pinkpvc;1069907]
to top it all of he rounds it all off by saying "if you don't quit then i'm telling your mum".
QUOTE]
This is all I have to say:
Don't ever ever let a man (or anyone) threaten you! My ex said that to me and I told him "go right the fuck ahead" before I peeled out of his driveway. He didn't have the nerve b/c that is a cowardly thing to say in the first place.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
pinkpvc
to top it all of he rounds it all off by saying "if you don't quit then i'm telling your mum".
Dump him.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
UtahMike
When you are thinking it through, do it on the assumption that he will NOT change his attitude, even if he says he will. Then you are prepared for the worst, and if it is better than that, that's a plus.
People don't change their attitudes on something like this. Especially if they're already a couple years in.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
I agree that this manipulative attitude is a bad sign. This - if you don't obey me I'll find a way to force you to obey me. Once they get the results they want once - they never stop. Whether or not you stop stripping, look closely at where he's going with this attitude, because it can be dangerous.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Sad to say but it seems that men who can truly handle their women being dancers and not have it bother them are few and far between.
Make it clear to him that you will not stop dancing unless you want to, and that his threats to tell your mother will have no influence on your decision. Pretend to think about it for a day or two, and then tell him you're still going to dance, and if he doesn't like it he can go try to find a girl who's hotter and more awesome than you but that it probably won't ever happen. Well, don't say it like that, but you get the idea :)
That's pretty much how I put it to my bf. This is what I want to do, if you don't like it, then you don't like me. Life's too short to try to please other people, and if you are truly happy with yourself then you will find someone who appreciates you exactly how you are.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
Regardless of what you do, quit or not, it sounds like he's the kind of person who will lord it over you in the future.. try to make you feel guilty or dirty or disrespectful in some way in order to manipulate or when he's feeling really low himself. My friend's fiance is like that, once he found out that she had more sexual experience with him she was "disgusting" among other things, and it's something that won't change. It's his personality.
Re: and then it all kicked off...
^^^ yeah life is too short to try and please everyone... not to mention that's impossible to do and keep yourself happy as well
who do you want to live your life for? as many people as you can make happy with your decisions or you?
Re: and then it all kicked off...
You need to do what works for you. You know your situation with uni and that it isn't in your best interest to try to work a lower paying job. Life is too short to spend it trying to justify yourself to people. They should love you as you are and if not, there are millions of others out there. Especially boyfriends. (P.S I told mine when he found out that he can pay my rent and give me spending money if he doesn't like my job. I haven't heard a word from him since.)