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I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
I was just talking to my bf about my day and I told him I did my sister and her daughters hair at their home.
The rest of our conversation was this:
Was it worth it?
yeah i made $100 dollars which was good
well is that fair?
yeah that's what it cost in the shop ....
did you factor in driving time (15 miles)?
no not really
do you ever see your sister when your not doing her hair?
sometimes
..... then he says i guess it doesn't matter what i say anyway because you do what you wanna do anyway. Then he cracks jokes and compares me to his friend who's mom scammed him out of a lot of money... just like mine did. I don't know why he is so cynical (hope that's the word) but I want to cry after talking to him. I feel so bad right now. I think he is insensitive to my family situation because he has both his parents and believes he has the model family. I also thinks he looks down on me because I am not traditional college educated(cosmetology). he also thinks he is perfect as well (educated good job etc.). I love him but at this moment I'm not sure if that's enough... I'm confused and really hurt. sorry.:-[
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Oh, what a dick. The hell with him.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
OK, so he's a bit insensitive. I don't see this one incident as being enough information for anyone here to go on to tell you whether or not he's
A) A great guy having a dickhead moment.
or
B) A dickhead being himself and you should leave.
Does he do this all of the time? Is he really that horrible? Or do you think it's possible he has done something that hurts your feelings (people do this, they're not perfect!) and you're ranting?
I guess I'm asking if this is just a rant, or are you asking us to tell you whether you should leave him.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
He does this a lot... his sisters notice it too. I tell myself it's just a part of his personality ( he has good traits) but today is the first time it really hurt my feelings. This began as a rant but ended up something much more serious. I'm asking you guys if i am being too sensitve I guess.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with. No one can tell you if you're being too sensitive because we don't know his other good traits or what he's like on a daily basis.
Are his good traits good enough to put up with the bad?
:hug:
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
There are no traits good enough to make me stay with a man who repeatedly disrespects me and who looks down on me to the point that other people notice it. But that's me. Only you can decide what you want in your life.
Don't expect him to begin respecting you at some point in the future though. This is how it is.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
We can't know too much about your situation, but honestly, sisters ALWAYS know whats up. If your sisters and your friends don't like him, its a sign. I mean, there're always gonna be a few that may not like him, even if he is a decent guy, but if a lot of them don't, take it to heart. You're lovestruck, you don't see it all, but they do.
I totally learned this the hard way. My friends hated him so much, I had to sneak around to see him.
Trust their instincts, cause they usually want what's best for you.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
I am very lovestruck.... i love him so much. I think I just don't know how I should be treated...out of anyone I've ever dated he is the best. loneliness is one of my greatest fears. he was gone for 4 days and I didn't know what to do with myself. i know i sound silly. it's weird i wish i could record his voice so you could here how perky his is when he says stupid ish to me or other people. I really believe he doesn't realize his words hurt people. I feel stuck. Right now I feel we wont make it much longer.... it's been 1 yr 8 months so far. I can't believe it took me this long to understand how much I have let slide... and I still cant get up and leave. love is strange.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
CorsicaFire
Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with. No one can tell you if you're being too sensitive because we don't know his other good traits or what he's like on a daily basis.
Are his good traits good enough to put up with the bad?
:hug:
^^^ thank you
He is sweet, charming, kind and extremely book smart. He doesn't cheat or go out a lot. 27 ,no kids,good job and pro marriage..... only area we run into trouble in is when he voices his opinion.... which is often. I think that is why he has never broken up with a women.... They have all left him.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Maybe he isn't a jerk. Maybe he has a personal issue that you could work through together. There's a dif between a knowing jerk and an unknowing jerk. Talk it out with him. Establish yourself as an equal partner and communicate. Let him know he hurts you. Then think about what he says in response. But be candid and calm, not overly emotional. It might feel natural, but sometimes that freaks the fuck out of men. You know what they say about men being grom Mars, and women from Venus.
Edited to Add: I think all relationships take work. The more you post, the more I see this as an issue you might be able to work through.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
I know that you shouldn't put up with any kind of mental abuse from men, etc. However I think sometimes people are quick to judge a person by very few sentences. I agree with LL, he could be unknowing, we don't have every single fact of the relationship, etc. If people are going to bolt in any relationship without trying to work things out, ie not explaining how the other has hurt you, etc, then they'll never find happiness. You have to work at a relationship.
That is not to say that people should stay in an abusive relationship. I'm just saying people are too quick to advise people to leave relationships without communication first these days.
Also, not saying SBE is lying at ALL, but there's also 2 sides to every story.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
^ I think you and I are coming from the same place. I think sometimes on this site (and in life) people are quick to say "dump him."
And I'm happily single right now, so I'm not trying to defend my own lifestyle or anything like that.
But of course, we have no idea from a couple of paragraphs.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
He sounds pretty critical of you and not very respectful of decisions you make. You got upset and he didn't care that you got upset. Seems like "voicing his opinion" and criticizing you over this trivial issue were more important to him than how you felt.
Who is he to question how much of a discount you give to your family for doing their hair anyway? Doesn't he realize that doing their hair is part *favor*/part "profit". Why is he so adamant that you nickel and dime your own family for every cost, including driving time?
Shit, my sister doesn't even charge me usually...sometimes I bring her gifts or pick up things for her at the store in exchange or we trade favors. Then again, trimming my hair is a snap... Either way, if her hubby ever ever ever questioned her decision to do me a favor by discounting her normal charge for me, I think he'd get the taste slapped out of his mouth!
Maybe I'm misinterpreting all of this...
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Star_bare_elegance
He does this a lot... his sisters notice it too. I tell myself it's just a part of his personality ( he has good traits) but today is the first time it really hurt my feelings. This began as a rant but ended up something much more serious. I'm asking you guys if i am being too sensitve I guess.
Oh SBE I'm so sorry to hear about that. I remember when you would speak so highly of him before when the relationship was new and fresh. I had no idea he has made a change for the worse. Since you notice that this is happening alot more often now, do you think it could escalate further? It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love BUT sometimes it's really needed. When you mentioned he looks down on you for being in cosmetology school I had a *lightbulb* moment. Do you think he's ashamed that you are in cosmet. school instead of a higher edu. institution? Do you think he'll ever grow tired of you choosing the career YOU want to do, and tell you to take up something else? Nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who controlls you. Sure, it may not happen day 1, but over time it progresses.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
If you feel bad after being with someone, you should leave.
This is very, very good advice. I'm not talking one or two times that they slipped up. I'm talking about consistently, honestly...do you have a positive or negative feeling for having been with them?
This is so simple and such a good indicator of whether to be with a person. If you often feel like crying after talking to him, this is a very, very bad sign.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Star_bare_elegance
only area we run into trouble in is when he voices his opinion.... which is often.
You're making this sound as if he's a great guy, but just doesn't like you.
1) You're lovestruck. So let's face it, no one here is going to back you up on hating this guy as trash because you can't even see it, and if we all do that, it wont help anything, cause you'll get over it the pain and move on, but wont forget how all the people here now hate your boyfriend because we don't SEE that.
2) You're afraid he sees you as expendable in some way so he voices his often, and rather rude opinion of you.
3) You think it's this facet of his personality that drives women to leave him but he doesn't leave them.
4) You have loneliness issues
First off, you need to solve the problem. You're confused because your hurt has placed a thick veil between you and the reality of this situation (don't worry I'm not saying it's doomed, just that you don't know something right now) because the answer may potentially end the relationship. HOWEVER the answer could be really positive too and relationship strong as well.
What we need to address is point 2 and 3 because these points, when addresses, will tell you how he values you, and where this is or is not going. It's very truthful.
I don't know if you have, but what I suggest you do is something similar to the following. Buy him a card (writing this out insures he cannot interrupt you) and write down how he hurt you in your own words, HOWEVER, you need to make it clear that he respect you on this so at the end say "I don't wish to talk about this right now, and really I'm over it, I just want you to know how it made me feel, if you need to talk about it, we can"
This sounds stupid I know, so does listing out your bills to find your inflow and outflow of cash so most people who don't do it, yet everyone who does is phenomenally more capable at managing their money....
After he gets it, you need to LISTEN to him should he choose to talk about it, THIS WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY HOW HE SEES YOU.
You gave him a card telling him he hurt you and 1. you don't know why 2. you want it to stop 3. you care about what he thinks of you 4. how much you value his opinion.
A) If he still comes off as condescending and blaming you then he has NO VALUE for your feelings.
B) If he really read it he'll talk alot and make you feel so good about how bad he feels, but really you wont know till the situation arises again. But at least you know he's approachable and THOUGHTFUL OF YOUR FEELINGS.
SO what do we do? If A) DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM OR EVEN SUGGEST IT. Just let us know (I'll explain why later) But you really can demand value and respect out of someone regardless of the relationship outcome. IF B) Hug, kiss, fuck reward POSITIVELY let him know THROUGH ACTION THAT HE CAN REMEMBER how awesome of him it is to consider your feelings and wait for the next argument. This is exercising the Pavlov's Dog theory:
When he reads that card, if he's 30% or more human being, he will feel like shit. And if you LEFT it with him and are UNREACHABLE for a significant amount of time AFTER he's made to feel like shit, he'll remember the feeling. Now he knows 1 thing, if he sees an envelope with his name on it, alone, there's a 50-50 chance he was a dick. If you go about this method in all positive and negative things, you'll be telling him SOMETHING happened recently and the card is an excellent non-negotiable way of telling him good or bad things! This is GREAT method of communication until you can actually TALK it out.
So during your argument where he gets opinionated, hold up your hand, and say"Please, this is why I wrote you that card, don't finish that sentence" and how he reacts right there will tell you EXACTLY what he thinks of you.
I think I have this guy pegged, it's not a bad thing, but if you want extra credit can you answer me a few questions?
How do you know every girl has left him?
Does he EVER compare your actions or things you do together to things he's done with ex's similarly and compare outcomes?
Does he only bring up Ex's in negative conversation?
Let me know, AND GOOD LUCK.
Mast.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Star_bare_elegance
He does this a lot... his sisters notice it too. I tell myself it's just a part of his personality ( he has good traits) but today is the first time it really hurt my feelings. This began as a rant but ended up something much more serious. I'm asking you guys if i am being too sensitve I guess.
Bring it up as you walk away. Seriously, call attention to it. You have EVERY right to feel upset over this. Sometimes, we take what others see as small instances and blow up over them because they are sorta the situation that put the shit over the top.
He needs to realize his boundaries and some sensitivity. seriously. So take yourself away. I'm not saying forever, but for a "break". Otherwise you are allowing this behavior and he won't change., because he knows you'll put up with it.
While I can see his point in the OP , I think his smart ass remarks were sorta his way to say " hey, don't let them walk all over you ..watch yourself " he did the insensitive male thing and said what he said.
Either way though, don't make excuses and if it's always wearing on you, you need to put a stop to it.
And maybe from the break you both can learn things about yourself, get back together and make it work.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Star_Bare_Elegance: I'm not going to tell ya you need to leave your bf or not, that's a YOU decision, and you'll leave when it hurts too much to stay. But I will try to help you see the situation for what it really is, so you can make the proper decision for you.
If you can keep a grasp on reality, keep your willingness to walk away (in other words, not fear being alone) and be secure in what you want, Then this relationship, whether it continues or not, will lead you nowhere but to a better place.
"Let us face ourselves bravely as we are. For only a philosophy that recognizes reality can lead us into true happiness, and only that kind of philosophy is sound and healthy."
-- Lin Yutang
(A fav!)
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Mast that is fucking great advice... seriously...
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Why are you with him?
The question you need to ask is, are you better off with him or without him?
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Mastridonicus
You're making this sound as if he's a great guy, but just doesn't like you.
1) You're lovestruck. So let's face it, no one here is going to back you up on hating this guy as trash because you can't even see it, and if we all do that, it wont help anything, cause you'll get over it the pain and move on, but wont forget how all the people here now hate your boyfriend because we don't SEE that.
2) You're afraid he sees you as expendable in some way so he voices his often, and rather rude opinion of you.
3) You think it's this facet of his personality that drives women to leave him but he doesn't leave them.
4) You have loneliness issues
First off, you need to solve the problem. You're confused because your hurt has placed a thick veil between you and the reality of this situation (don't worry I'm not saying it's doomed, just that you don't know something right now) because the answer may potentially end the relationship. HOWEVER the answer could be really positive too and relationship strong as well.
What we need to address is point 2 and 3 because these points, when addresses, will tell you how he values you, and where this is or is not going. It's very truthful.
I don't know if you have, but what I suggest you do is something similar to the following. Buy him a card (writing this out insures he cannot interrupt you) and write down how he hurt you in your own words, HOWEVER, you need to make it clear that he respect you on this so at the end say "I don't wish to talk about this right now, and really I'm over it, I just want you to know how it made me feel, if you need to talk about it, we can"
This sounds stupid I know, so does listing out your bills to find your inflow and outflow of cash so most people who don't do it, yet everyone who does is phenomenally more capable at managing their money....
After he gets it, you need to LISTEN to him should he choose to talk about it, THIS WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY HOW HE SEES YOU.
You gave him a card telling him he hurt you and 1. you don't know why 2. you want it to stop 3. you care about what he thinks of you 4. how much you value his opinion.
A) If he still comes off as condescending and blaming you then he has NO VALUE for your feelings.
B) If he really read it he'll talk alot and make you feel so good about how bad he feels, but really you wont know till the situation arises again. But at least you know he's approachable and THOUGHTFUL OF YOUR FEELINGS.
SO what do we do? If A) DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM OR EVEN SUGGEST IT. Just let us know (I'll explain why later) But you really can demand value and respect out of someone regardless of the relationship outcome. IF B) Hug, kiss, fuck reward POSITIVELY let him know THROUGH ACTION THAT HE CAN REMEMBER how awesome of him it is to consider your feelings and wait for the next argument. This is exercising the Pavlov's Dog theory:
When he reads that card, if he's 30% or more human being, he will feel like shit. And if you LEFT it with him and are UNREACHABLE for a significant amount of time AFTER he's made to feel like shit, he'll remember the feeling. Now he knows 1 thing, if he sees an envelope with his name on it, alone, there's a 50-50 chance he was a dick. If you go about this method in all positive and negative things, you'll be telling him SOMETHING happened recently and the card is an excellent non-negotiable way of telling him good or bad things! This is GREAT method of communication until you can actually TALK it out.
So during your argument where he gets opinionated, hold up your hand, and say"Please, this is why I wrote you that card, don't finish that sentence" and how he reacts right there will tell you EXACTLY what he thinks of you.
I think I have this guy pegged, it's not a bad thing, but if you want extra credit can you answer me a few questions?
How do you know every girl has left him?
Does he EVER compare your actions or things you do together to things he's done with ex's similarly and compare outcomes?
Does he only bring up Ex's in negative conversation?
Let me know, AND GOOD LUCK.
Mast.
You are truly a genius after reading your post i feel so much better. I don't want to leave him he is my heart. I just need him to respect what i do and not be so hard on me about things he doesn't understand.
How do you know every girl has left him?
his sisters and mom told me.
Does he EVER compare your actions or things you do together to things he's done with ex's similarly and compare outcomes?
no he rarely brings his ex's up.
Does he only bring up Ex's in negative conversation?
He says that once they leave him the call back after a while but he wants nothing to do with someone whos leaves.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Obenta
He sounds pretty critical of you and not very respectful of decisions you make. You got upset and he didn't care that you got upset. Seems like "voicing his opinion" and criticizing you over this trivial issue were more important to him than how you felt.
Who is he to question how much of a discount you give to your family for doing their hair anyway? Doesn't he realize that doing their hair is part *favor*/part "profit". Why is he so adamant that you nickel and dime your own family for every cost, including driving time?
Shit, my sister doesn't even charge me usually...sometimes I bring her gifts or pick up things for her at the store in exchange or we trade favors. Then again, trimming my hair is a snap... Either way, if her hubby ever ever ever questioned her decision to do me a favor by discounting her normal charge for me, I think he'd get the taste slapped out of his mouth!
Maybe I'm misinterpreting all of this...
No you got it right... I think he dislikes my family because unlike his we don't spend every weekend together and hang out a lot. his family is in Georgia they have time to play around like that living is cheap. my family is all in expensive California there is time but very little. My sister pays me to help me while I'm in school. He make a good salary but doesn't realize that he works 40-50 hrs a week to make $1000 more than I do. I only work 25 hrs a week though. I could easily hurt his ego by telling him but i don't I'm too considerate of how he feels. I loved him very much... i cant deny that but he has gotten very comfortable. I will try what Mastridonicus said to try.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Good for you SBE, good luck.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Quote:
Originally Posted by
cinammonkisses
Oh SBE I'm so sorry to hear about that. I remember when you would speak so highly of him before when the relationship was new and fresh. I had no idea he has made a change for the worse. Since you notice that this is happening a lot more often now, do you think it could escalate further? It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love BUT sometimes it's really needed. When you mentioned he looks down on you for being in cosmetology school I had a *lightbulb* moment. Do you think he's ashamed that you are in cosmet. school instead of a higher edu. institution? Do you think he'll ever grow tired of you choosing the career YOU want to do, and tell you to take up something else? Nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who controlls you. Sure, it may not happen day 1, but over time it progresses.
:seesaw: <-----this is me right now cinammonkisses i love him like crazy I'm willing try everything i can to make things better. I'm also tired of being nice about our issues. I believe his good traits out weigh the bad ones. He is a good man with a smart mouth:-\ . I think he likes what I do but wants me to go to regular college. if I could I would... I have tried but I can't. I hope he doesn't get worse, he has his controlling moments... sometimes I'd rather dance.
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Re: I Just realized my great bf is not so great. :-(
Whenever I read or hear of these kinds of things, I always think "life is too short to allow yourself to put up with someone like this."
Maybe I'm impatient, but I don't get saying things like "if he/she would just do ___________, then I could be happy."
Fuck that. He/she should do ___________ without you having to wish for it. If not, find someone who does ___________.