Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
During a most embarrassing night out last night, I bore witness to some incredible things. I think yesterday was an all-around epiphany of encompassing realizations.
I got EMBARRASSINGLY lit at a local pub with my friend Dave and others in tow. And I mean BAD. BAAAAD. Luckily, Dave and I where more in an observation mood heartless judging the fashion statements of the passer-bys with some amusement when, in fact, Dave and I had shown up wearing the same outfit.
I ordered a Orange Moon (I think), because I had had one in nyc, and wanted to order something that could be described as "On tap" or "Draft" so I can go 15 minutes without Dave, or his significant other and her friend would, suggesting that the reproductive organ I do not have, itches.
I'll preface the remainder of the evening by saying that I drank a lot, and was never in any real danger. I will also put this all in perspective by saying that the only other drink I really remember being ordered for me was a "Red Headed Slut". When it arrived, I was greatly disappointed and questioned the marketing.
I say all of this because after growing discussions throughout the evening these two kids, who apparently pulled off the same outfit stunt as Dave and myself only I believe theirs was intentional since they were roommates and had the same hair style and facial-hair layout, came up to the two people we were with and a now absent/up at the bar Dave, and began to hit on them. I enjoyed observing.
I want to start the next statement that by saying that I really respected the one kid. He is a master of self-invitation and assumed positives in his advances. I think, for the most part, he was hitting on the mirror image of himself. His liquid courage was showing through to his teeth, and I think this was made evident by the power his yellow, popped, collar wielded.
He and his friend hung out with us like lemmings throughout the greater portion of the night, not typically anything special myself, I was pulled aside and asked for assistance of some sort. I do not remember it well but I am certain it was the "I need a temp bf" variety. I came over and, as if she wasn't there, this brilliant kid pulled me aside to ask if she was mine. Despite all the inherent problems I have with suggested ownership, I mustered a non-slurred "No" and went back to the girl who was now being worked on by his Wingman. At least one of them carried a warped sense of honor. I put my arm around her waist. This was not received well.
"I thought you just said you weren't with her..." The one asked confused. By now Dave had come back perplexed by what was going on... Him and I dressing alike, talking to two other guys that dress alike, well, you know how the mind works. "I'm not, I'm just the guy you have to beat" was the wittiest reply I could come up with. This, again, not received well since it was a challenge, now the poor girl, laughing hysterically, and joined by Dave kind of lead to a face off was only made confusing by the girl because to any onlooker, it would clearly look like there was gay-couple drama going on.
The kid was relentless in his advances, Dave and I decided to let the guy work since by this point it wasn't going to be hard. "Where are you from" he'd ask "My house" she'd reply, "I would really like to get to know your house" He'd say and I'd say "But will you call in the morning?" I'd interject. This went on and on until finally she had invited the 3 of us to her house for more drinks around 3am. I was excited to see this unfold since the kids said "We'll follow you!" and she was too polite in her gaining sobriety to tell them they weren't invited. I was still pretty messed up. "Thanks for the ride off." I said, however, "I can get there on my own THIS WAY you wont have to take me home." It was assumed in my head that I would be driving, theirs as well. We all got addresses, and everyone left...when I remembered I didn't have a car.
NOTHING says "I can laugh at myself" like a good, brisk, 3am run while completely fucking blitzed. I think I ruined the shirt.
I arrived at her house just the kids were pulling up in 2 humongous red trucks. I laughed since they had to "Hop out" to get out. I sat on the ground and listened to the best pickup ever. We all were silent and watched this kid work saying things like "You have really nice hair" while not looking at her, and "Isn't my truck big?", I mean it was even getting ME interested. But then he laid it on.
"So you're from Canton?" She never told him where she was from, at this point, he's confusing her with someone else or making it up. "Yes" she replied. Go along with it, why not. "I would really like to go inside and talk to you alone about Canton, it's my heritagable ancestry" I thought of how wrong that sentence was and I thought up the most perfectly witty reply when he said it to. "HA HA" is how it came out. Apparently the glass of red we where all enjoying as the two kids watched was taking it's effect.
That was it really. The night was colored with hand holding and being pulled away, and asking for clarity if she was with me, and all sorts of misunderstandings why the power in his popped collar, which he made sure we all would check for him that the back was up.
To my knowledge the kid was still outside till at least 5 yelling something about second chances. I admire the persistence in youngsters these days.
And I thank MAUDE that I do not seem to suffer the horrific "Hangover". Cause...WOW. Last Night.
Re: Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
Awww...hope the hangover gets better! I have to admit though, that does sound like something Sedaris would satirize :) I'm sure you made quite the gallant figure, despite the drunkenness!
Re: Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
That beer you ordered at the outset was a "Blue Moon". Typically served with an orange slice, so I can see where you'd get that.
BUT: You got it backwards. Repeat after me: "Liquor then beer, never fear. Beer then liquor, never sicker." Oooh, but you did score some casual hand-holding, you wascally wabbit you!
Re: Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
Re: Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Mastridonicus
I will also put this all in perspective by saying that the only other drink I really remember being ordered for me was a "Red Headed Slut". When it arrived, I was greatly disappointed and questioned the marketing.
they called me, i just couldn't make the drive, so i had them bring you that drink instead.
Re: Last Night. - Told in the honor and style of David Sedaris
"power in his popped collar" :laughing: