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how do i stop attracting assholes?
i almost put this in LO but i wanted everyone's opinion, not just the girls...
i attract and am attracted to assholes. i need to change this. anyone who has read my posts about guys can see that. i have never had a healthy relationship and i don't know how to find a NICE guy.
lately my thing is liking guys with girlfriends. i know better, for christs sake.
i went out with a guy that might actually be really good for me, and i sabotaged myself. i got drunk, slept with him, and started to cry afterwards. (yup, im that pathetic girl.) my friend who knows both of us suggested that i might wanna wait til im dating someone to sleep with them. duh. except i know how to subconsciously mess up anything good that might happen to me.
so how do i stop getting these guys? i'm like a magnet for assholes!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
I'm going to be watching this thread, because I am feeling exactly how you are.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
britt244
i almost put this in LO but i wanted everyone's opinion, not just the girls...
i attract and am attracted to assholes. i need to change this. anyone who has read my posts about guys can see that. i have never had a healthy relationship and i don't know how to find a NICE guy...
so how do i stop getting these guys? i'm like a magnet for assholes!
b244:
"Women Who Love Too Much"by Robin Norwood is a book about addiction to unhealthy relationships. It could just as easily have been called "People Who Love Too Much" because of some universal truths it contains.
Because I have no illusions about my "male lounge lizard" position in the SW food chain, I'm hoping that maybe some of your female SW peers will offer you some feedback here regarding Ms. Norwood's take on "loving too much"...
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Heartlessbitches.com, namely the Nice Guys? BLEAH and the Manipulator files.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Budai
Because I have no illusions about my "male lounge lizard" position in the SW food chain...
You really need to let that one go, Budai. People have really moved on from that whole ordeal.
Britt, I was the same as you before, and I know it sucks. After you've been unappreciated and treated like shit a couple of times...you learn to appreciate all the nice guys out there, TRUST ME! I'm not saying I want somebody I can walk all over and treat like crap now...but I DO know that I want a partner who will give me just as much love as I have to give him....AND THAT'S A LOT!!! I'm worth it...and so are you! ;)
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
i've had a few female friends like this. ime they got out of their "rut" by simply looking/expanding their horizons beyond the typical "asshole" guy they usually date. the shock of the difference usually was sufficient to guide them afterwards. i.e. their tastes and preferences changed
it didn't mean they never dated another asshole but they seemed to avoid the truly disasterous relationships after trying some different "types".
one girl made a list of what she looked for in a guy and i believe she detailed traits of former ahole bf's. then she had a shopping list of sorts to avoid or look for as warning signs, i guess. this is obviously from a 3rd person pov (mine) so i can't say what really went on in her thinking though.
but i would suggest something like that. if you can find common denominators/traits of bad ex's and avoid that, you should at least limit the exposure to jerk-radiation. :D
i read something a while ago about changing hunting grunds too. if you hunt where the aholes tend to hang out, you're limiting the catch potential. if you change your hunting grounds you'll likely encounter fresh game and/or of better quality. ;D good luck in the hunt!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Oh boy; I debated even posting... *sigh*
Are you being honest with yourself about your priorities?
Nice guys are easy to find; they're everywhere. Very good-looking, charming, confident, rich, muscular, bachelor-of-the-year nice guys? Not so much.
I do know quite a few well-educated, nice, sweet, single, average-looking nice guys with a decent, stable job who are looking for relationships. They're the ones you catch looking at you who blush and look away, too timid to approach you.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Mileia777
You really need to let that one go, Budai. People have really moved on from that whole ordeal.
Yes, dear, I have. Robin Norwood wrote a book about women loving MEN too much, and I was reluctant to weigh in on the topic before any WOMEN did so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
britt244
i went out with a guy that might actually be really good for me, and i sabotaged myself. i got drunk, slept with him, and started to cry afterwards. (yup, im that pathetic girl.) my friend who knows both of us suggested that i might wanna wait til im dating someone to sleep with them. duh. except i know how to subconsciously mess up anything good that might happen to me.
"Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing & Hoping He'll Change"" is a fairly old book but might be helpful to women/men/anyone who has consistently put the needs of a partner before their own.
Codependency is a disorder formed out of love and a misplaced sense of duty. Over time, such folks may become conditioned to mistrust their feelings on almost every subject and only see themselves as "correct" when their views and feelings are validated by a partner.
IMO, people with relational addictions have difficulty understanding where their needs stop and the needs of another begin, causing confusion about that other person's will and their own. The "assholes" b244 refers to have a natural aptitude for exploiting and perpetuating a person's inner uncertainty while reinforcing that person's need for external validation.
Having survived a codependent relationship with an intelligent, beautiful and utterly manipulative woman in my early 20's, I can say that "assholes" come in all sizes, shapes and both genders...:(
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
To the extent that you are drawn to assholes because they put out a false aura of confidence--remember that someone who is truly confident feels no need to take advantage of or abuse others.
If a man feels he needs to demonstrate his power by abusing it (like treating women badly), odds are he has no clue what true power is all about.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
I have a tendency to be attracted to psychopaths. They tend to be exciting. They tend to all sorts of things I would consider a nice girl would not want to do -- but I would like them to do!
I come from a fucked up family and I now realize that. They taught me nothing about healthy and normal relationships. I have had to work hard to watch normal caring people interact with each other and not think it was theater. To wonder when the emotional knife was going to come out.
I'm a fixer. Unfortunately, what I should have focussed on is fixing myself a long time ago. I tend to find crazy girls and try to fix em. As you can tell, these days I am in that process of deep inner reflection.
Most importantly: It is easy to drop a psychopath. It is easy to not get emotionally bound up in a trouble maker. It is easy to ignore them as they ignore me. It is easy to put the absolute least into a relationship. It is easy to ignore the judgments of a loser. It is easy to reject the demands of a "taker."
Realizing that of all the bad relationships you have had -- the one common denominator is YOU is the beginning of getting into some better ones.
I wish I could be more Jedi Master about this but I am still walking the learning path.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
I'm guessing that if you really wanted to attract good guys you would have no problem doing it, hell you probably already are but just don't notice them because that's not what you're really looking for. I'm guessing that you're looking for the assholes because deep down you know that things won't work out with those guys and deep down that is what you really want? If you find a good guy you may have to really put yourself out there emotionally, you may have to slow down a bit, you may have to grow up some and you really don't want to do any of those things??? I don't know you and I could be totally off base here, just giving some food for thought.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Well pop psychology states your dad was an asshole. You model your romantic relationships similar to your original male relationship. Solution is to date someone you're not attracted to. Let someone else pick out your dates. (Not joking)
And as above I believe pop psychology states wanting people with girlfriends means you want unavailable men and are afraid of intimate relationships.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
britt244
i attract and am attracted to assholes. i have never had a healthy relationship and i don't know how to find a NICE guy.
Can anyone define "asshole"? What are common asshole traits? /:O
What is meant by a "NICE guy"? How might a nice guy behave? /:O
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Guys do this too, feel attracted to the dangerous types, but often flaky and bitchy girl who is impossible to get along with over the long run. Basically you just have to grow out of it. There is no trick, just as time goes by and you age your priorities will continue to change. Getting your life on track and stable will slowly but surely matter more to you then thrills. You might still feel an adrenaline rush around the assholes, but there are lot of other deep subtle emotions besides adrenaline that you'll come to appreciate more and more. Plus on the flip side the more bad experiences you have with assholes, the less attractive those types of relationships will seem. You will probably never like the spineless nutless nice-boy types, but that's just the other extreme. Neither extreme is healthy or good material for a long term relationship.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
This is good stuff! I'm gonna start posting all of my relationship problems in The Lounge instead of LO, too (well..maybe some of them). :P You guys are AWESOME!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
space_Cadet_28
Well pop psychology states your dad was an asshole. You model your romantic relationships similar to your original male relationship. Solution is to date someone you're not attracted to. Let someone else pick out your dates. (Not joking)
my dad is amazing. he and my mom have been together for 20some years and he is a GREAT dad, so i have to argue with this one.
now i know why i posted this in here instead of LO, haha. this *is* good stuff!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
You will always attract assholes, that's the part that seems to happen to everyone. It's filtering them out that's the tricky part. For every asshole you've been with/come across, think about what made him an asshole, how you could tell, and warning signs for next time. Also, I've found that when my friends and family don't like him, it's usually for good reason. Be yourself and speak your mind. If that scares them off, yay! You've filtered another! :)
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
^^ I agree with Bella. There are a lot of stealthy assholes out there and it takes a bit to see the clues.
Another thing that has worked really well for me is to expect to be treated well. Sounds simple, but it was very hard for me. If someone acts asshole-ish towards you, don't just take it. Act. Don't get sucked into the emotional vortex of justification or believe that's 'just how they are'. I fully believe that most men treat women the way they are shown to treat them.
Like if they are always late and don't care, leave. Don't wait around. If they say out of line things, call them on it. They can shape up or leave. It's like buying a car-you have to be willing to walk away at the beginning.
Warning: Some guys will take this as a sign that you like to argue. Run away if they try to justify their horrid behavior.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
snoopy
i read something a while ago about changing hunting grunds too. if you hunt where the aholes tend to hang out, you're limiting the catch potential. if you change your hunting grounds you'll likely encounter fresh game and/or of better quality. ;D good luck in the hunt!
:thumbsup: Right on, Snoopy!
Certain places are just a-hole :butthead: rich environments...
I once saw a sign in a doctor's office (of all places) that said:
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!" :propeller
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
I think within reason we all go through something like this - male or female. I know I have with domineering and mean ex girlfriends. Don't let it get you down.
Have you tried doing a little reading about psychology so that you understand you and them more? You could try Myers Briggs or maybe the Jungian arc types as a start...
On a slightly different point, I have read threads where you discuss drug use. I realise that many people use drugs, but there will be a lot of 'nice' guys that would run a mile from you - you are very attractive, a dancer, get (I presume) loads of male attention AND drugs too. That would be so outside the boundaries of many normal and nice guys.
They would presume that they cannot handle you or that you are too wild for them. They may well be correct. And that is why you like out of control guys yourself - you feel attraction to men that are wilder than you are and are not phased by you.
It seems that you need to find nice guys who have well defined boundaries and won't take your crap - they will be in control but not controlling. Decision makers. They are few and far between. You thought that being hot meant that you held the good cards and could do the choosing!!!
Sorry to be blunt, but hey you asked.
If all else fails, get on a plane to Europe and we can discuss this in more depth ;-)
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Make two lists of priorities - must-have items and must-not-have items. You have to commit to following through with these lists. These are your life priorities based on what is ultimately important to you - i.e. a healthy relationship. It's okay to be attracted to them....and it's also okay to not date them.
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Very cool thread. Lot's of interesting stuff in here. This is also a tough one to answer because attraction is a very base emotion and it is difficult to wake up one day and say...."Okay, I am now attracted to this and not that..."
Early on, don't just focus on how well he treats you. Pay closer attention to how he treats others. Once he gets beyond the phase of trying to impress you...this is how he will treat you.
Make a list of all attributes that you like in a guy. Make this an honest list. Think about past BFs. What attracted you to them? Why did you initially choose them? Then make a list of what you think makes a guy a nice guy. Compare the two lists. You may find some answers for yourself.
Assess you lifestyle. By this I mean the stuff you do outside of work/school. You can probably find some answers in there.
It is so difficult to give an answer to a question like this. Fact is, some guys give off an initial confidence. It is not a real confidence (Djoser brought this up in an earlier post), but it has the desired effect (desired for them). Other guys come off as being quieter and a bit more mellow. They don't initially stand out, but once you get to know them you realize they are stand up men (for real). They just don't advertise it by flaring out their chest. I am guessing this is the kind of guy you want.
Problem for women is that these guys don't always immediately stand out on the attraction list. They are real guys with some depth and it takes time to get to know them. If your very first assessment of a guy is how HOT he is and how much you would like to get horizontal with him (not saying this is you, just food for thought) then you will overlook a lot of other things (good and bad).
I know this is not much of an answer, but I hope there is something in this rambling that helps. Good luck girl...;)
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
crizgolfer
Early on, don't just focus on how well he treats you. Pay closer attention to how he treats others.
i strongly disagree with the first part but i strongly agree with the second part. early in a relationship each of you should be the center of attention for the other. imo it shows interest and the level of sacrifice/importance you each will stand in the other's life. otoh, (almost paradoxically) if he just treats the rest of the people in his life like shit, that's also a glimpse of how he may treat you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
crizgolfer
Other guys come off as being quieter and a bit more mellow. They don't initially stand out, but once you get to know them you realize they are stand up men (for real). They just don't advertise it by flaring out their chest. I am guessing this is the kind of guy you want.
hmm, i understand the prevailing thought that quiet guys tend to be "good" (why are only/mostly guys responding here? :-X ) but that's not a trait i would hang your hat on. there's "work" to be done there (quiet types) but frankly, that's what ALL relationships are about imo.
you want prepackaged ready-to-go relationship? that's a costco relationship, they're cheap and last only so long. lasting relationships are custom-made to each couple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
crizgolfer
Problem for women is that these guys don't always immediately stand out on the attraction list. They are real guys with some depth and it takes time to get to know them. If your very first assessment of a guy is how HOT he is and how much you would like to get horizontal with him (not saying this is you, just food for thought) then you will overlook a lot of other things (good and bad).
hehehe, i really agree with this part. i've been guilty of it myself. ;D
"...a pretty face, don't mean a pretty heart..."
imho, this seems to be the main thing you need to overcome. your instinctual preference and thinking with the wrong organs.
it's definitely the main compass of my life now. i make the smaller head follow the big head nowadays. and if it doesn't like it, too effin' bad. :D willpower. ;)
good luck!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Mileia777
This is good stuff! I'm gonna start posting all of my relationship problems in The Lounge instead of LO, too (well..maybe some of them). :P You guys are AWESOME!
No kidding! Wait to go guys!
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Re: how do i stop attracting assholes?
I grew up with a girl who turned out to be an amazing, talented, beautiful woman. Her mom and dad were great, and she had a great family. My friend, as a woman, dated consistently--always men who were good-looking, and they always had heavy alcohol problems. I never understood why she was drawn to them, and neither did she, when we talked about it: she was a caretaker, but that wasn't the whole explanation. Finally a guy she was dating was drinking and driving alone one day; he hit a twenty-year old woman who was jogging on the side of the road, instantly killing her, then drove away from the scene. On the night before he went to prison for this he and his family decided to have one last round of drinks.
My friend broke up with him--but today she is again with a man who has alcoholic problems. This is just a deep place that she returns to, rationalizing that she can change the guy.
Britt, I don't know you. I don't know if it is also true that you are returning to a place where things are out of control--that something in you needs to do this, to be with guys who don't treat you well. We can analyze this--this is what your question asks us to do--but I think it is more important to think about reinventing yourself, trying on a new coat, if the one you are wearing is not working and (possibly, as in the case of my friend) endangering you. How about dating a lot of men, safely, without intimacy, for a while--learning about men? So many men are frustrated in watching the real sob's end up with beautiful women that I think with a simple hint of interest you can pull the decent ones in. So date them, learn about them; there is probably a whole world inside of you waiting for all of this discovery, if you are yearning for it. Watch how they treat others, listen to the things they dream about, and see if you feel better, more alive, after being with them. You'll connect with someone, and your heart will tell you they are good for you, if you give it time. But you'll need to leave that dangerous place in you that keeps bringing you back to the messed-up guys. Once you've been on another track for a while, you will see change in yourself.
It is worth thinking about. My friend rationalized things for so long that the only boundaries she had left in life were REALLY severe consequences--even though she had nothing to do with her boyfriend's hit and run, she was thrown in the middle of it, because she was with the guy.
I wish you luck with this, and hope all turns out well for you. I'll be rooting for you.