I just had to have one of my ferrets put to sleep. It just makes no sense - she was the healthy one, while her sister has two fatal diseases and is bald and underweight. (Yes, the sick one still has a good quality of life, aside from looking funny, so I'm not being an irresponsible pet owner by not going for the euthanasia option yet.) For months, I've been worrying about how she was going to deal with her sick sister dying and then she unexpectedly has a stroke and is paralyzed in the hindquarters. I'm just so stunned. Also, I feel so bad, because I haven't been spending enough time with them since all I do is work two jobs and study for the GRE. Plus, her sister got more attention since she's sick and is on medications that I have to give her twice a day. I feel like a terrible ferret mother.
And I don't know why, but I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it on the phone or anything - I'm so glad my housemate was asleep when I got back from the emergency vet. I just want to curl up on it all. I don't why I want to post about it here - maybe 'cause I don't have to actually speak about it. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it - that's usually how I deal with stuff.
I have to decide what to do about the ashes tomorrow and call the vet. I'm not into the idea of keeping them around - it's not her - she's gone, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with the idea of her ashes being separated from her sister's - when her sister does have to be put to sleep, even though I don't want to keep them. I don't even really understand why I feel that way - I just do.
And, I don't know what to do for her sister - she was there when during the euthanasia, and I showed her the body - she kind of flipped out so I think she understood, which is good, but she's going to be so sad and I'm afraid her health will just go down the tubes because of it, which would be so much worse than her just dying because she's sick. Fuck fuck fuck - it just makes no sense; there was no indication of ill health. What the fuck am I going to do now.
Sorry this is so long.



Dear Lord, save us from those thy children who speak without thought, and protect them also from the rotten tomatoes they shall thereafter receive in the kisser.
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Maybe I'll go study some more.

it muchly nonetheless. You are a wonderful collective of people. All right, that’s enough mush for one day.

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