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Thread: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

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    Default wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Hola chicas...long story short, an old custy who is now a friend has taken a liking towards me..He has not said anything to me and has not tried anything with me...we have hooked up a couple of times, but I guess I am just not into him that way. I have been drunk the times we did anything and he is a great guy..the best, just not my type and has turned into a great friend. But i KNOW he has feelings for me and some times I feel guilty that I let him pay for dinner, etc and I'm not sure what to do!!!!!!!!! its so weird tho..any girl would be lucky to have this guy, cute, plenty of money, good job, all that stuff and sometimes I think i wish that I was into him more because if I was attracted to him, he would be the perfect guy...could it be that I really do have feelings for him but am scared???? anyone in the same situation.
    Cloe

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    ^^
    no not in the same situation but that's why it's not the best idea to see customers outside of work.

    you should just be up front and tell him you only like him as a friend.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
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    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    He really wasn't a "customer" just someone that I met in the club and started hangin out with..i think I liked him more when we first met...i LOVE him as a friend now and I am worried that eventually he will not be able to handle just being friends and then i have lost someone that has become important in my life. I am not worried about him ever tellin me about his feelings because I think deep down he knows that i wouldnt feel the same way and he is scared to be rejected...its just kind of a shitty situation..but I do care about him...I wouldnt be posting this if i didnt.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Quote Originally Posted by cloe22 View Post
    ...any girl would be lucky to have this guy, cute, plenty of money, good job, all that stuff and sometimes I think i wish that I was into him more because if I was attracted to him, he would be the perfect guy...could it be that I really do have feelings for him but am scared????
    C22:
    I think it's possible that you are projecting your own feelings into this situation. I agree with jaizaine regarding the emotional perils of seeing customers outside work, 'cause lap dance politics become vague OTC. IMO, it appears that you are no longer in the driver's seat.
    Quote Originally Posted by cloe22 View Post
    He really wasn't a "customer" just someone that I met in the club and started hangin out with..i think I liked him more when we first met...i LOVE him as a friend now and I am worried that eventually he will not be able to handle just being friends and then i have lost someone that has become important in my life.
    C22:
    IMO, your friend became a "customer" at the moment he entered the SC, which is why you "started hangin out." As you've shared, the relationship has evolved to the point that you've arrived at an emotional crossroads with only one possible direction. What are the other positive and/or negative possibilities?

    1. "eventually he will not be able to handle just being friends and then i
    have lost someone that has become important in my life."
    2. ???
    3. ???

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    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    These mismatches of feelings are all too common among men and women friends. Just part of the landscape, I guess.

    Do sit him down and patiently explain the "just friends" thing. He'll maybe deny romantic feelings (an undstandable, face-saving move) or he may own up to deeper feelings and vow to keep you as a friend. He will be able to accomplish this, by the way, only until the moment you start banging another guy on a regular basis. At that point, there is a high probability he will get moody/pissy/angry/etc. and the friendship will be over.

    Sorry, but that's how these things tend to shake out. There are exceptions, of course. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to keep him as a friend once you get a boyfriend.

    In the meantime, be an upright gal and start paying for your share of the dinners.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I try to pay!!! all the time, he just won't accept it..money really isn't a big deal to him..I just don't want to hurt him!

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I've seen these things work themselves out with everyone still being friends, but it's very rare.

    Good luck, though!

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I do see three dancers as friends outside of work - although in each case I met them at work. Known each of them for 5 - 6 years now: time flies!

    One was completely up-front after a few months and said I really like you, but I'm not attracted to you. We wound up close friends and with no possibiity of misunderstandings.

    The second can be very flirtateous, but we'd talked enough about life in general first for me to understand it's a game she likes playing - and hence I don't take it seriously. (I kinda like playing the game too...)

    Third talked about her bf in the nicest possible way - but enough to subtly put over the message that she's quite happy in her present situation.

    In each case, we manged to suit out the ground rules early, (although in differing ways), and as a result we've wound up very comfortable and relaxed with each other.

    Chigagoeditor's right in that you need to make your feelings/intentions known to this guy - but there are various ways of doing it (cf above).

    I probably pay more than my share, but that's always been my choice. What I get back in return are acts of kindness (meals cooked for me, etc), or the occasional surprise present, etc. What's nice from my POV is that that they go out of their way to show they appreciate my friendship.

    Maybe you could do similar if he continues to insist on paying?

    As to the sexual attraction sort of thing - I've found that if you stay friends with a girl (and you know that's all she wants to be) - you settle into a friendship routine, and the sexual attration fades with time. You gradually get accustomed to just being friends.

    Phil.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I think this is much more simple than you're making it out to be...

    By letting him pay, you are leading him on. Leave the cash in his car as you get out, if you have to... but do not let him pay. Or, you could say, "No, let me pay for myself... We're not dating so you shouldn't pay."

    Chances are, he DOES have those feelings for you. Just make sure that you're clear that you aren't interested. He'll get over it.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I know, i totally over analyze things..I have just hurt a lot of people in the past and he would be the last person that I would want to hurt in any way! I really do wish I was more attracted to him cuz we are great together..i try not to lead him on in any way and i am real careful about it, but sometimes I flirt..i probably should not do that! thanks everyone for your advice..like I said, i just dont want to hurt him.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Been through this countless times and have had to go back and make amends for it. Tell him straight up, do not allow him to spend another penny on you, and probably stay away from him for a while. The longer you keep this up the more he will resent you.

    I did this to a guy for years and now he won't have anything to do with me, despite the fact that I loved and cared for him dearly. Stop giving him hope you are being selfish.

    Sinceraly, the most selfish girl on earth.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Thank you for being brutally honest! now i feel worse!!! lol

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Yes, I think the key here is to be selfish. Unless he has a SO, he probably, most likely, certainly wants a relationship/sex with you. If he has an SO who can take you, friends can work out and over time become the key part of the relationship if you both can do it.

    But doing what is best for you, is best for him also in the long run. Tell him up front that you really are a stripper. Have him pay for your time. no money, no time.

    Or if you just want a friend you are going to want to hear about his love life. People can be productive towards each other if they tease across boundaries. I think you are better off quoting him prices. It doesn't mean you can't get to know him well. At some point he will probably move on, but he should appreciate his experience with you.

    The butterfly quote someone here has in their sig is a good one.

    If you have feelings for him you should know it. But it doesn't sound like you are ready for that. So go explore it but don't make those committments. Be ready to walk away from it. If he is your soul mate he'll marry you 5 years from now. Quoting him prices will remove all the mental BS and make him choose. He might feel used but he'll like it or move on.

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    Veteran Member StuartL's Avatar
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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    It sounds to me as if you think he'd be ideal for you, but he hasn't made you feel a deep attraction for him. If he made you feel serious attraction, it would all be in place, right?

    Either he needs to change his approach and make you unable to keep your hands off him - but it sounds too late for that, or you need to quit spending time with him and then you can both move on.

    Alas, for most guys, taking an attractive female to dinner and paying is a date. You may not think so, but he probably does. Allowing him to pay has not helped this at all...

    Good luck and be gentle - he almost certainly doesn't get it.

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    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    Quote Originally Posted by cloe22 View Post
    like I said, i just dont want to hurt him.
    This is like that time I shot that guy in the face and then said, "I just don't want to hurt you."

    In other words--too late. Damage done. Make the best of it. Kat's advice to walk away for a time--"time" including "forever"--makes the most sense.

    It's been a year for me, by the way. I'm still stung and sad about someone I cared for deeply and considered a trustworthy friend. I wanted more; she didn't. When she met her current boyfriend, she quite quickly vanished. I still miss her. But in retrospect, I have to admit she did the merciful thing.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    I suppose you are right chicago, I do often think he would be the perfect guy, he is definately one of the most eligible bachelors in town...Im not sure why I think about it or him so much, but I genuinely enjoy his company..I don't deal well with losing people close to me and it scares me that I may not have him down the road..and not cuz he pays for dinner! I think sometimes I wish I was more attracted to him...well maybe it could say something that I am on here whining about it that I just don't realize he is the one for me.
    C

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    You never know, you may be falling for him and you don't realize it.

    How many times have you heard about the couple who fall in love and the girl says: "At first, I never liked him, I thought he was a jerk," or, "I was never attracted to him at the start, he just grew on me," or, "He was just a friend, I wasn't attracted to him romantically, but before I knew it, I fell in love," or some other scenario where the girl didn't really like the guy in a romantic way, then she falls head-over-heels in love.

    It seems like the best romances happen when the girl doesn't like the guy at first, but something happens over time, and they fall in love.

    Just a thought.

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    Default Re: wrong guy has fallen for me....any help?

    its funny tho cuz i think I was more attracted to him at the start and then not so much as we became closer friends. He is not really my type but then again all I have dated are assholes! he is your typical nice guy, cute but not like a model or anything, but....i dont know, I dont know what to do...GIRLS!!!! Help me!
    C

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