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Thread: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    So. I allowed, when I bought my house over a year ago, two close friends from college (now they are married and no longer live with me) to move in. I was doing them a HUGE favor as they couldn't afford an apt with bills by themselves, as one is a starving actor and the other works in retail with shitty pay although good benefits. that's the basic backstory.

    Fast forward to 6 months after they move in, they are married, they decide they need their own space. totally understandable, was not offended in the least. newlyweds need to learn how to be married together without the hindrance of a roommate/landlord.

    In January, they find a nice place, and they need to gather first, last and security deposit. I am so understanding that I allow them to not pay me their share of heat, electric, water for the previous month of December, and tell them that they can owe me that as well as the month we were in, January. Both agree that it's more than fair, and they seem totally appreciative.

    After that, they moved out. it became awkward when i saw them at friendly get-togethers and wild parties (see, i intro-ed them to my high school friend group and they gelled with my friends and now we are all a big group of friends). Finally, i got up the nerve to ask for money. that was in late may/early june. She tells me totally ok, they are getting by, but they will find some way to pay me. No total is discussed.

    Finally, August, I see Her. She drops by for a lil hang out time, and I give her a written up detailed list of what they owe. I think this is more than fair as it's more than 6 months since they've moved out.

    weeks pass. I dont hear from them. Then i get a random phone call asking for copies of the bills, because, "It's not that we don't trust you it's just... well, we'd like to see the bills."

    wtf?? so i am totally insulted. i'm not one to rip off friends, or anyone for that matter. she's known me pretty well since 2002 and so has he and they know that's not my MO. they smoke a fair amount of pot (memory loss), and i know they have probably forgotten about the fact that it's for 2 months.

    So i write a nice email to her. I say that i, of course, have the bills, but even though i'm slightly insulted, im not surprised since it's been more than 6 months. i tell her i am going to try to jog her memory. i write out how they told me they'd owe me for 2 months of bills so they could get the first, last, and sec deposit together.


    so the real Q is how to proceed? i dont want to lose friends over like 500 bucks, but at the same time, that's 500 bucks! that's not really cool... and the fact that it's been so damn long.. well.. im not pleased on that level either, but i just want to put this behind me and move on, and keep the friendship if possible. thoughts? sry that was so long.

    oh and they did pay rent, that wasn't the issue. just bills. heat (gas) was damn expensive in Dec and Jan, so the bills were freakin' high $$!

    Love it!

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    They know that they owe you... they might not have comprehended exactly WHAT they owe you, but they know that they do. Since they let it go for so long, I'm guessing that they thought (or hoped) you'd forget about it.

    Its so rude that you did them a favor by letting them by on the bills and now they are acting like you are imposing on THEM for asking for the money.

    Since you do have copies of the bills, she can't accuse you of trying to screw her over. Maybe you could show her the copies in person? That way if she has questions (or excuses) you can answer them immediately. If you show her the bills electronically, make sure you're ready for some back and forth if she decides to fight with you.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    They are just surprised it so high. I remember my first winter utility bill. It really isn't that they think you're scamming them. They just need to reassure themselves that it really is that high. Just show them the bills. I mean, you must have been in a situation at some time where you had to check something for yourself, not because you didn't believe someone - just because you had to check yourself?
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    This sucks; especially when it's people you care about. I was told by a very wise person to "never lend out money expecting to get it back". Seems to take the pressue off a little bit.

    Chrissy, it honestly depends on your relationship with them. Do you want to keep it? Do you really want to be friends with people who don't communicate well, act shady and avoid the rough times?

    If you want to keep the relationship, tell them to pay you a little at a time. If you don't care, take them to court.

    I know it's hard because I'm in the same situation with Brad's uncle, but you do what you have to do to not stress over it.

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    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    That old quote is true, Dylan . . .

    But I agree with Jenny. I remember being absolutely SHOCKED by my first oil bill when I moved in with a roommate into a house where utilities weren't included. Combine that with the fact that they very well might have forgotten, as you said, that it was for TWO months, and I can see wanting to doublecheck something. I predict that they'll feel sheepish for having to ask once they see them, and may apologize to you.

    I can also see why you feel insulted, and it definitely does suck that they let it go this long, but if you DO want to maintain the friendship, I'd take a breath, and then send them copies, in the interest of getting this behind you ASAP.
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I don't know if this is the case with these people, but for many people, "well, I want to help you out, you can just owe me," means something indefinite. Like, if they won the lottery they'd getcha back, but as long as they're broke, well, you wanted to help.



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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    i agree about being shocked at prices, but on the other hand i get very touchy about roommate situations and bills. i had 2 really bad roommates and now i will not get a roommate again bc i get really mad about bills and stuff.

    i understand wanting to keep them as friends.. but friends shouldnt act that way. i dunno.. i dont know that the friendship would be too comfortable after all this anyway.

  8. #8
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I'd just send them the copies. Once you are proven right..they cant say anything and will have to pay. If they do..forget it and move on as friends. If they dont...they destroyed the friendship by not living up to the agreement...not you

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    God/dess SundayMorning's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Sigh. Nothing f's up relationships like money. Hopefully you can get this cleared up and they'll be cool about it and life can return to pre-loan.


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    Senior Member anabella's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I would make copies of the bills and send them in the mail/scan and email them. Likely they just forgot that it's for two months and are surprised that it's 500. You could suggest in the letter that they pay you 100 a month for 5 months if that's easier for them. That way you can start getting your money now and you can maintain your friendship. It's easy to forget how much money 500 dollars is to someone who can't go dance and make that in one night.

  11. #11
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    I'd just send them the copies. Once you are proven right..they cant say anything and will have to pay. If they do..forget it and move on as friends. If they dont...they destroyed the friendship by not living up to the agreement...not you
    Agreed. To add to that, if they don't pay you back, it's not $500 lost, it's $500 that you spent to find out they weren't very good friends in the first place.

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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    what good advice all in all.
    i think i will do this via email, scan in the bills and show them. i will also suggest a payment plan, i think that was wise, like $100-150 a month until it's done.

    and glam, you're so right, it'd be 500 spent to find out i dont want to be friends with them.

    anabella, you're SO right, sometimes it is so easy to forget how much 500 is when you cant just go make that fairly quickly.

    at least there are some lessons to be learned in all of this. in any case, i will keep everyone posted as to what happens.

    Love it!

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    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Sounds like that's the best way to go. I'm optimistic that this could actually be handled well by them, so stay positive!

    By the way, it was really good of you to help them out in the first place. I hope this doesn't result in making you regret that (meaning I hope they do take responsibility for their share).
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    the problem i'm seeing with a payment plan is that maybe they'll stop paying. you know? like you let them off the hook once and this is how it turned out, do you wanna do it again, kinda thing. but thats just my opinion. like i said i'm paranoid about roommates and money haha!

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    it's 500 dollars, which is like a half-night's earnings. if they are all right friends in every other respect, i'd hardly drop them over a few pennies. money is ultimately for spending-- one cannot say the same for people (at least, i'd hope not!).

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    But it isn't about money, it's about her trust, their word, and their actions. Money may be the issue underlying it, but Chrissy isn't upset about the $500. She's upset because she feels like her friends took advantage of her and are trying to shirk a responsibility to her.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Chrissy, I'm in a similar situation right now. My best friend was working for AmeriCorps and making $800 a month. Her rent costs $481 and she couldn't pay. She called both parents and they couldn't help her. So I lent her the money. I had to gently ask her today (again) if she could pay some of it to me. She said that she would try to pay at least some of it. Even though I know she's going to try, I still resent that it's taken so long, because when I owe anyone money I try to pay it back as soon as possible. It's an honor thing with me.

    So yeah, give them copies, hopefully get paid and let it go. If they refuse to pay you and take forever, let them know you're disappointed and hurt, but it might not be worth getting really angry over. Also, don't try to help people out financially, especially people with inconsistent or bad incomes. It's hard not to want to, but it inevitably comes back to bite you in the ass.

    It would make me mad to know that they have been spending probably lots of money on weed or something. Then again, that just goes back to this principle that was drilled into my brain by my parents that you don't owe people money, and if you do you make it right as soon as possible.

    Oh yeah, and $500 is not half a night's earnings, and definitely not pennies! Money isn't ultimately for spending, either. Just because strippers make more money than retail clerks and starving artists doesn't mean that they shouldn't be mad when people mooch.

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Maybe you could just go with the excellent plan suggested above, say you'd settle for a payment plan, but say you really need money and will for the next few months, every bit counts, I know you guys will help me out because you are my friends, etc.'

    I don't know what kind of sense of humor they have, but the more you kid around about it while reminding them they could make the difference it will take to finally allow you to get that (whatever you need is) that you have been wanting so badly, the more they are likely to pay you.
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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Quote Originally Posted by Susan Wayward View Post
    But it isn't about money, it's about her trust, their word, and their actions. Money may be the issue underlying it, but Chrissy isn't upset about the $500. She's upset because she feels like her friends took advantage of her and are trying to shirk a responsibility to her.
    exactly.

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite View Post
    By the way, it was really good of you to help them out in the first place. I hope this doesn't result in making you regret that (meaning I hope they do take responsibility for their share).
    thanks. i think i help others out too much sometimes, though. Emily will probably agree here 100%. and, regardless, i wont regret it. But, i will consider the ways in which i help others in the future. the more i think about it, the more i think back to my upbringing, and the idea of tikkun olam. from wikipedia: "Kabbalists teach through her or his actions each person can participate in tikkun olam, literally repairing the universe, and humanity is a partner in God's creation."

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    the problem i'm seeing with a payment plan is that maybe they'll stop paying. you know? like you let them off the hook once and this is how it turned out, do you wanna do it again, kinda thing. but thats just my opinion. like i said i'm paranoid about roommates and money haha!
    oh boy am i with you on the paranoia of roommates. i had 2 incredibly bad situations in college, and i thought i was being pretty smart with the people i was allowing to stay with me. but, based on their personalities and their intentions in life, i am fairly certain they will pay or try to negotiate with me as opposed to just pretending it never existed and moving on.

    Love it!

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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    Great advice ya'll..One thing I noticed from your OP is they smoke weed. Unless they're smoking for medical reasons or getting it for free, thats money that could be used to repay their share of the bills..From what I gathered you're single and had to cover 3 people's share of the bills which just isn't fair IMO opinion. If they're true friends they'll step up and do what's right. Good luck.

    Let us know how everything works out.
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said, but good luck and I hope you get your money back. It sucks that you have to be the one to keep bringing it up-they should automatically pay you back without you having to say anything.

    I agree with Jenny that they could be shocked at the utility bill being so high if they are not used to seeing winter utility bills. I remember when I first moved out on my own-my utility bills were usually only $30-40, and then when winter came along, my monthly bill was over $100! I thought for sure the electric company had made a mistake.

    But yeah, once you give them copies of the bills, they should pay up if they are true friends. If they don't pay up after that, like others have said, it's $500 you spent to find out they are not true friends after all. Best of luck with getting this situation resolved.






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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I have learned a long time ago to never "loan" friends or family money. You won't get it back. Or if they do repay part or all of it, it will be at a snails pace, causing tension in the relationship. I just assume anything I pay for is a gift no matter what is discussed to help the person save face at the time.

    They may be embarrassed at their lack of ability to pay. That is likely the reason why they hadn't even mentioned the debt until you brought it up.

    What is more important to you, your relationship with your friends or the $500 they owe you? If you forgive the debt you could go about it by acknowledging how expensive it is getting started in a new home and the like. Then tell them that the money doesn't matter and that you were just happy to be able to help out in their time of need. Then finish off that you know that they'd do the same for you if you were ever in a tight situation financially.

    In the end you get good karma and an ally if you are ever in need in the future. Unless you really need the money, of course. Then they are just being mean to take $500 out of your pocket when you really couldn't afford it. Those are not friends worth keeping.


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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    *bump*

    so i wanted to update about this situation.
    i facebook messaged her, as i said, and she never replied. today i texted her to tell her i sent her a facebook message, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she hadn't yet read it. she texted back immediately to ask when i was around. i replied tonight, wed night and sat afternoon. she called. she said she didn't want this to ruin our long friendship and she was getting shit from her husband (which i knew was what was happening; she's way too easy going for the wording in her email to me).

    She said she wanted to handle this without his involvement. She just woudlnt be able to pay a lump sum. I told her that was absolutely fine, i just wanted to start knocking the number down, working out something or another. she said that would be great.

    SHE suggested the payment plan thing. phew. i feel so much better. I know things will be strained with him when i see him bec, well, we never really got along all that well to begin with and in his mind, im sure, he thinks im being shady. In any case, she is going to giv eme $100 today and then i think we are going to talk about how to proceed. i think ill tell her to do what's ok for her, like $50 a month would be ok to me.

    she apologized. she said she was really sorry it took so long, that she never forgot about it, but that money has been so tight. Phew. I told her I felt awful and that it was really awkward to bring it up; obviously i/we waited too long to deal with this. she agreed.

    Friendship salvaged, money supposedly going to be attained. im even thinking of just saying, forget $50 of it. bec i feel so better knowing i will get somewhat paid.

    Love it!

  24. #24
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    I wouldn't forget any of it. Being easy going about being paid is "friendly" enough. But if you really and truly think that he thinks you are being "shady" then knocking it down will look... you know. Guilty. But it's super great that that everything has gone so swimmingly.
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    Default Re: touchy situ, not sure how to handle. longish.

    It is extremely annoying to me that a lot of adults have no fucking clue how much money it takes to live because they have never had to pay their own way. My current roommate pays a small rent but no utilities (She was a friend. We agreed on a piddly rent amount, but she didn't volunteer responsibility for bills and I didn't have the nerve to say "Hey, we get $450 gas bills in the winter." My fault. Part of me knew if I told her that she'd think I was lying.).

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