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Thread: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    My maybe-ex has a problem with erectile dysfunction, as most of you know. He also does something that I don't know is normal for guys.

    If he's not getting constant stimulation, he goes limp pretty quick. He'll start out hard when he gets turned on, but foreplay tends to be a cock-softener. If he's going down on me, he'll go soft. If he's fingering me without getting blown or rubbed, he'll go soft. If we're kissing without grinding or anything, he'll go soft. To keep him hard, I had to constantly rub or suck him. If we went soft, I'd have to get him hard again, which sometimes took awhile.

    He said that things had always been like that, even before he started having problems with erectile dysfunction. He says that he's still turned on even though he doesn't have a boner. He also says that if he has to start thinking about anything, then he loses his erection. Uh, I get SOAKED and HORNY when I'm sucking him off.

    Do all guys really lose it that easily?

    I know that you're all thinking "Dump the fucker already." We're not seeing each other until December because we both need space, and I don't have the energy to deal with a breakup or fights right now. I just want to know if I have to expect this for the rest of my life.

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    Veteran Member missfOxxy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    your "maybe ex" LOL
    i've been with a guy like that, it's annoying and such a turn off :S
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    no, I would say most guys do NOT lose it that easily . sorry to hear about that...it sounds really frustrating.


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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    I don't know if it's normal, but my current guy can stay rock hard day or night, for hours on end, after any number of orgasms. However, he prematurely ejaculates so I suppose it's a bit of a trade-off, lol.

    Has your "maybe-ex" tried any medications?

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    ^He tried Levitra, but my point is that he loses it if not stimulated. Levitra does help him get hard quicker after going down, but is it normal to lost it so easily when not constantly stimulated?

  6. #6
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    I dont think thats normal. Most of the guys I've known get hard just from thinking about sex or seeing a naked girl they know they are going to have sex with..then stay hard until the deed is done.

    Has he seen a dr about it? It could be psychological or he might need to see a urologist...

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    As far as I can tell, there's a range of bonerness among guys. My BF gets hard at the slightest provocation and stays that way for a while, but when he comes, he's done. He also has trouble orgasming sometimes, which is a bit disconcerting for me, but he claims it doesn't bother him. On the contrary, I've been with guys who needed more "input" to get and maintain an erection. To the best of my recollection, these guys tended to orgasm more easily, but could generally get it up again and again throughout the night so long as the stimulus kept coming. I don't know if you or anyone else has noticed such a pattern among your former partners.

    What I'm saying is, he's probably "normal," but on the less impressive end of the normal spectrum. If this bothers you (and it sounds like it does) it might be time to part ways. Sexual incompatibility is kind of a big deal, I think. To me, one of the main reasons I'm in a relationship is so I can have a bunch of sex with someone who gets me off, without having to worry that he's going to be busy fucking other girls (well, in theory anyway. We're long-distance right now, so this is not the most accurate example). But in theory, that sweet slice of computer nerd is allll mine. If I felt differently about him in the biblical sense, I'd probably reconsider my relationship.

    I know I'm probably not gettting at anything you haven't already thought about, but I guess I'm just concerned that you seem so frustrated. I am developing blue balls on your behalf.
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    This was almost exactly my problem with my last boyfriend...who I took forever to end things with because he's such a sweet and kind person. I was also too shy to mention my frustrations...and yet, what do you say? "Uhm, giving you a very uncomfortable blow job all the way down my throat for twenty minutes straight is started to give me jaw pain and sickness...". He couldn't stay hard either, but he could get an erection reasonably quickly. I felt really sucky at sex, and it became such an unpleasant chore for me. So.

    I think he was on antidepressants though. Anyway, enough about me. But I SOO feel your pain. When things start off ok, but then become tough to finish...or tough to keep on track. I think back to my ex, who was a cheating, lying douche, but he could always get it up, keep it up, and get it done. So much better. I don't know how to breach that subject with someone. Others have said it, and it's true- sexual incompatibility really puts a wet blanket on closeness.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    No, its not that common and you shouldn't expect it. I've had sex with MUCH older men who didn't have that problem at all. Some guys won't be able to get it up for a while after they come though. Some get hard immediately. YMMV

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Yeah, it's normal for men to not be able to get back up after ejaculation. That's called the refractory period.

    What my maybe-ex does is get hard, do some foreplay, and go soft pretty quick because he's not stimulated. I'm talking within three minutes of eating me out. Getting him up again takes a minute or so of oral. I'm surprised that a guy can go soft so quickly even though he's making full contact with a hot, horny woman. He swears that he feels hot for me, and that he loves going down on me, but that he's always gone soft unless he's being stimulated.

    Where the fuck are the guys? There are several sausage-owners on this forum who could give some great input.

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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    In my experience, guys seem to get hard during foreplay and stay that way until we're done. But I've had a few who went soft like you are describing, those were times when the guy was drunk or on drugs.

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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    ^ Yeah, the only times I've experienced that is with drunk guys. I'm sorry you're going through this Hat.

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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post

    Where the fuck are the guys? There are several sausage-owners on this forum who could give some great input.
    Yea, when we don't want them around (ie LO or SG) they are always there.

    Anyways, I've been with guys that it goes soft but not they just saw a hairy fat chic soft. Takes a short minute or two to get hard again. Then there are others I've been with that it takes forever post foreplay to get hard again and stay that way.
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  14. #14
    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Quote Originally Posted by teeth_of_the_hydra View Post
    As far as I can tell, there's a range of bonerness among guys.
    I believe that this statement sums up the useful information in this thread!

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    ^Yeah, his ED definitely is a problem that I hope he will one day seek help for. I wanted to know if his lifelong tendency to quickly go soft during foreplay (which existed even before his ED plagued him) was normal or not. He's certainly never had a second though about whether or not it was normal, although I've never encountered that before.

  16. #16
    MsQwerty
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    To answer the question - no, thats not "normal".
    Sometimes guys might occasionally have this problem like if theyve been drinking for instance, but all the time day to day, year in year out seriously no thats not normal.

    It must be so frustrating for you both. I hope he can overcome the problem.


    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    ^He tried Levitra, but my point is that he loses it if not stimulated. Levitra does help him get hard quicker after going down, but is it normal to lost it so easily when not constantly stimulated?

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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Hmm, I've been with some guys like this. They didn't lose it instantly if they weren't stimulated though, but seemed to need it frequently. I don't really mind, I mean...I need lots of stimulation to get and stay wet before intercourse. I'm fussy that way.

    If they lost it whilst inside me or lasted all of 30 seconds, that would be a deal breaker though. Maybe this is your deal breaker, and that's totally okay if it is. We deserve to be with people that will sexually synch with us.

  18. #18
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    no. ....

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    Veteran Member I_luv_dancers!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    As requested, here's a sausage-owner POV. I'll try to address some of the various comments in addition to the op.

    There is a wide range of sexual response in men. Hatshepsut, maybe what you're really asking is "can/will the situation improve?". No way for me to tell that, but my guess is probably not unless there are medical/psych factors that are contributing and can be reversed. Antidepressants will affect the libido and erectile performance.

    I have been a very horny guy all my life. I took prozac for a while about 6 years ago when I went through a rough patch in life. It had a negative affect on my desire for sex, and I have had erection problems ever since so I'm taking viagra now.

    Before then, my dick got hard when the wind blew. Stayed that way too. I also had a very short refractory period and there were times when I was able to go for two orgasms without stopping in between and no loss of wood. One girlfriend's pet name for me was "HO" for "hardon". (No brag, just fact ma'am.) With my various partners, affairs, lovers and FB's over the years, I was known for ALWAYS being ready to serve.

    These days I'm rather like your BF, when I don't take viagra. The desire is there, but I don't stay hard durning foreplay unless my partner is reciprocating or is responding sensually to my efforts. I don't stay hard any more when giving face. I lose it if I get distracted and I can't stay hard long enough for my partner to get off, so I use my fingers to get her off manually.

    With viagra I have problems occasionally, mostly if the timing is off - my window of wood starts from 1-3 hours after taking the drug and ends about 20 hours after. If I've gotten off a couple times in the past 24 hours, viagra is less effective.

    So in reference to your BF, does he masturbate when you're not around? Watching a lot of porn? Is he taking any psychoactive medications? Is he in good health? Have any circulation problems? Diabetes? Has he had these problems with all his partners? Different people react differently to the 3 ED meds. Can he try Viagra or Cialis instead of Levitra? From what I've read online, Levitra can be less effective than the other two. The bottom line is that you two need to really be comfortable with each other and have clear and open and frank communication. You need to work this out between yourselves and he needs to be able to tell you things that could potentially be upsetting - so you need to be able to let him be open and honest without repercussion. There may be someting that he really needs - could be something wierd or kinky or unusual, and he's afraid to discuss it.

    I'd never say "dump the chump" because he's a human being and may be very frustrated that he can't please you,and believe it or not, you could crush him completely by dumping him over sexual performance issues. Not to say that you should make yourself miserable, but please be kind.

    Good luck.
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    God/dess Will's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post

    Do all guys really lose it that easily?
    No, but that's not to say it's uncommon per se either.
    A cunning linguist...

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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    I think it's pretty unusual for it to happen constantly. Occasionally is pretty normal especially for guys a little older IMO. This kinda thing is usually caused by stress (or drinking, but that's already been mentioned). If it's happening more than a few times a year I'd tend to think it's not the norm though.

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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Where the fuck are the guys? There are several sausage-owners on this forum who could give some great input.
    As with a great many things in the realm of sex, there is considerable variance.

    Overall physical fitness is probably the greatest single indicator of sexual performance potential. Guys that never see the inside of a gym or otherwise engage in vigorous physical activity have far more erectile problems than those that are fit; it's simply a matter of circulatory function. Overweight men have it tougher than those that are fit, since being overweight can drop your testosterone count significantly.

    Drugs--prescription or street--can affect erectile performance, usually negatively. Viagra and the like aren't end-all-be-all cures either, as one can become dependent on them for performance. Smoking of any kind does irreversible damage to the penis.

    Diet is important also; most men shouldn't eat a fatty, full-sized meal right before sexual activity, as digestion is the most energy-intensive activity your body undertakes, and it requires blood flow to do it.

    Personally, my performance is less than amazing if I'm fatigued, jet-lagged, or performing in a room with insufficient air conditioning. Some condoms are better at anesthetizing than others; this bothered me less in the days of my youth than it does now. Those same factors may not affect other men at all. On the flip side, massive quantities of vodka or red wine don't seem to hamper my abilities in the least. Anecdotal tendencies should be taken for what they're worth, but the aforementioned health realities are pretty solid.
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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Okay, people aren't machines. If he says he is turned on even though he is not hard, give him a break. I like going down on a guy, but I don't know if I'd care for it if afterwards he felt me and then turned to me accusingly and said "why are you more wet? If you like it, why are you wetter? Does it have to always be about you?" I would be completely flummoxed. I understand that an erection is a little more... you know, integrally functional than the average secretion, but still. Our bodies work the way they work and they just don't respond mechanically to all the things we would like them to. I'm sure he likes being attentive to you - which is what you are really worried about, no? You feel that because he doesn't maintain an erection while being attentive to you that he is doing a "duty" and that he doesn't really like it? I'm sure that is not the case. However, I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't like the pressure of having to "perform" even when he is not "performing" (I say that because, you know - I sure as hell wouldn't).
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    Veteran Member betterthaneden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    Yeah, it's normal for men to not be able to get back up after ejaculation. That's called the refractory period.

    What my maybe-ex does is get hard, do some foreplay, and go soft pretty quick because he's not stimulated. I'm talking within three minutes of eating me out. Getting him up again takes a minute or so of oral. I'm surprised that a guy can go soft so quickly even though he's making full contact with a hot, horny woman. He swears that he feels hot for me, and that he loves going down on me, but that he's always gone soft unless he's being stimulated.
    i've been with someone who had this same sitaution/problem. i love getting head, so it kinda sux when i'm ready to go he's gone soft and i gotta start getting him hard again. sux, but i think it's normal for all guys to be different.
    sorry i don't have much advice.

  25. #25
    UncleJohnny
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    Default Re: Do all guys go soft when not constantly stimulated?

    A few thoughts from an older guy...

    If he's on any kind of medication, that may be a contributing factor.

    If he smokes (anything), drinks, doesn't get enough exercise, has a poor diet, doesn't get enough sleep or has a very stressful job, any of those may be a contributing factor.

    He may have a low testosterone level. A simple blood test will determine that. If he is low, his doctor can prescribe a patch, injection or topical gel. (These aren't cheap, but if it improves his performance and self esteem, it'll be worth it.)

    If he doesn't want to discuss this with a medical professional, he could try a supplement named DHEA. One place to buy it is Puritan's Pride:
    - Do a search for 7631 for the 5 mg dose. He can safely take one tablet one to three times a day. (Most tablets offered are 25 mg.)

    You might also try refraining from any type of sex for several days.

    My 2¢ worth.

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