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Thread: getting to know someone before meeting?

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default getting to know someone before meeting?

    So, I am on a couple of dating sites and have met a few men. It seems the majority of them don't want to pass too many emails or have a lengthy phone conversation. They just want to meet. This is where I need insight and opinions. Shouldn't they want to talk/chat a bit first to get to know you? And if they do make a date for a week in advance why don't they call in the meanwhile? Are they just less cautious because they are men? Or do think they just wait to meet before putting the effort forth? Or are most these men just wanting to get laid so what difference does it make?? I need some insight from both men and women. Should I just demand a adequate phone and email conversations before meeting?

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    So, I am on a couple of dating sites and have met a few men. It seems the majority of them don't want to pass too many emails or have a lengthy phone conversation. They just want to meet...

    Should I just demand adequate phone and email conversations before meeting?

    Q: Is it OK to ask detailed questions like “Where do you work?” and “Where do you live?” or is that prying?

    A: “Prior to meeting someone, it seems premature to ask very personal questions on address and employment,” says Gloria Starr, who gives image, etiquette, and communication seminars nationwide. After meeting and deciding that there is interest on both sides, however, it’s fine to let those questions fly—just keep in mind that your effort to get to know someone better doesn’t require nitty gritty specifics. Instead of asking “What company do you work at?” or “What’s your address?” Try, “What field are you in and what do you do?” or “What neighborhood do you live in?” Let your date take the lead on just how detailed he or she gets and you’ll avoid invading anyone's privacy. If you are on the receiving end of too much nosiness, you can always just say, “I make a policy of not telling people that until I get to know them better”—that way it won’t be taken personally.


    I hope the above article helps, GIL1, since I have no direct experience with online dating but couldn't pass on your invitation for advice.

    Personally, I'm fascinated by online dating, which was not an option the last time I was on the open market. In one regard, it seems like fishing in a barrel ; on the other hand, there are so many unknown variables...

    Happy Hunting & Good Luck!

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Thanks Budai!!

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Hi GreenId,

    I think it will differ for different men--probably widely--and I, too, have no experience with the online dating thing. I can guess, though, that you are closest to the mark when you say they might not want to put the effort in before meeting. Men are initially quite visual, as you know, and I suspect the thinking goes something like..."there will be a problem if we get close on the phone or online and then meet and I'm not attracted to the woman..." and men probably mistrust online pictures initially. I'm sure they WILL be attracted to you--I'm sure you're a very attractive woman--but the point is they don't know that yet and don't want to "invest" in what they don't know. I know that sounds pretty awful but I think, in most cases, that it is close to what they are thinking.

    I knew a guy--a neighbor--who was involved with a computer service, and he wound up sleeping with a number of his first dates. So he was doing it for that--another thing you correctly identify. But I think it is probably more rare that men are doing it ONLY to get laid: he was a hound in that way and I told him I thought it was crazy, if only for pragmatic reasons--who knows what diseases were out there? I also mentioned that the women came to the service probably were hoping for a long-term connection, and what he was doing didn't seem morally right. In a situation like this, you might be dealing with many kinds of guys, so I think it is worth being cautious. A phone call might put guys on the spot, but to me I don't think there would be anything wrong with getting to know a guy better online before going out with him...if he's not brave enough to tell you a little about himself ahead of time I frankly would wonder if he is worth going out with.

    It is a funny time now. I was mentioning in another thread that the hallmark of our age is to have intimacy before knowledge. That philosophy causes a lot of problems. For my money, if people met and did what you're suggesting--knowing one another better before any intimacy--they could save a lot of time and heartache. Good luck to you with this, and remember that you deserve a gentleman--don't settle for less.
    JK Jim

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    Veteran Member thefrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    Hi GreenId,
    I think it will differ for different men--probably widely--and I, too, have no experience with the online dating thing. I can guess, though, that you are closest to the mark when you say they might not want to put the effort in before meeting. Men are initially quite visual, as you know, and I suspect the thinking goes something like..."there will be a problem if we get close on the phone or online and then meet and I'm not attracted to the woman..."and men probably mistrust online pictures initially. I'm sure they WILL be attracted to you--I'm sure you're a very attractive woman--but the point is they don't know that yet and don't want to "invest" in what they don't know. I know that sounds pretty awful but I think, in most cases, that it is close to what they are thinking.

    there you go, it will be hard for anyone else to break it down any better.

    could also be them NC guys are just dumb

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    Or are most these men just wanting to get laid so what difference does it make??
    IMO most men on dating sites are looking for a shag. Most men going to the pub are looking for a shag! Honestly I reckon about 95% of men on there are primarily looking for a sex buddy.

    Of course I am sure there are guys that are looking for something similar to yourself, as well as guys that are probably after more than you want to offer (like marriage or something!), but yeah.

    Thats said I did meet my hubby on the 'net, but we were both shamelessly being sluts trolling alt for a fuck and thought the other was cute. It was just some weird twist of fate that we fell in love and enjoyed spending time together doing things other than shagging

    Good luck and just take care of yourself.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    I agree that they don't want to invest time until they've met you. There is chemistry that either happens or doesn't when people meet. But, I do think that you should at least chat or talk on the phone once for a bit. (more than an e-mail where they have time to think through what to say) I've dated online for a while and I've had some guys start talking about really explicit sexual stuff on MSN messager in the 1st conversation. I'm happy to screen them out.
    "I wear tight clothing, high heel shoes
    It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute" En Vogue

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    i rather just meet lol
    | Rent this spot

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    I'd think emails and phone calls would be appropriate but you have to remember that I'm at the age where an exciting evening consists of hearing my knee and elbow joints crackle, so what I know about online dating wouldn't fill two lines on an index card.
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    i met my boy online... in the first 5 minutes of meeting him i felt that click of chemistry... and we talked all night long. the next day i told him i wanted him to move to texas and a month later, he left cananda to do just that.

    i've never been happier.

    i think dating sites are full of 2 kinds. people truly searching for the one, or people looking for sex. i don't do dating sites for this reason.

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    Judging from my brief experience with online dating, people aren't always who they say they are. You don't know if their picture is photoshopped, if they're pretending to be someone they're not, if they're neurotic, if they drive you up the wall, etc. You can figure this out 10x faster in person than through an email or phone call. Yes, we're less cautious because we're men. But we don't want to waste hours trying to figure out what a person is like through an inefficient medium.

    And if you do decide to meet him, please don't do something transparent like arrange for your best friend to call you 15 minutes into the date and tell you "something came up, gotta go" and then leave. This is extremely annoying and will cut your chances way down of getting a second date if you do actually like him.

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    Default Re: getting to know someone before meeting?

    No personal experience but:

    One of my brothers and his wife of 3 years told everyone they met at a shoe store. After the wedding they admitted that while they did meet up at a shoe store in the mall, they actually met on a dating site. They're so happy and have a beautiful bubbly daughter.

    Another one of my brothers has dated a few women, semi long term, he's met on dating sites. None have worked out, but he feels that the women have been much better suited for him, and serious, than what he'd met prior to joining the site. He's pretty busy, doesn't get out much, and is continuing with this method.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Time is a precious currency. Don't waste your own, or steal it from others. No matter how much you think they have, or how little value you give them. - Me http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=isolabella

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