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Thread: In love with a married man :(

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    Member Cristal1981's Avatar
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    Thumbs down In love with a married man :(

    Ok so hear is my story:

    (WARNING: VERY VERY LONGGGGGG STORY)

    A while agoo i posted in a other thread i am in love with a married man, but we did not have sex, i gave him (both fully dressed) a lapdance, but it was off topic in that tread so i got to my point, few weeks later i was on the interactive chat with some of the girls and i did not started the subject, they did because they rememberd from the tread what i wrote, they told me i will burn in hell and that kind of things

    Ok i can expect a reaction like this, but on the other side c'mon i am NOT a bad person and this married man and i do NOT have a affair, i am deeply in love with him and do all that i can do to not be in love with him anymore!!!!

    Well i am still in love with him, and i thought if i would leave the country i would forget about him they say: 'further from the eye, further from the heart' yes if it just a fling this is true, but i was 6months away from him did not see him did not speak to him, nothing no contact what so ever, and i really put myself 100% in to forget about him, but he stayed in my heart and mind with the same power i had when i see him!

    Now i am in total 2 years in love with him and am back in Amsterdam, where he is ,and am working again in the same company he is working.
    We still do not have a affair, we do talk alot, and we both know we love each other alot, we did on a few occasions some kind of sexual things like lapdance with both fully dressed, and i stripped for him from a distance so he could not touch me.....

    He did not marry out of love! he is not telling me this (he is exually telling me opposite) but everybody knows this! He does admit he has no passion what so ever for her and never has, but it is what we could say an arranged marridge between the familys, he comes from a poor family, she comes from a wealthy family, all of his buisiness, money and papers is thanks to being married to her. That also does not mean that he is bad, because he isnt ! it is the situation he is in and can not get out, and he also doesnt want to get out because he feels by the way he is brought up he dont need to feel passion for his wife, again that doesnt make him bad that makes him maybe shortminded and from a poor family in a other culture.

    Yes he does love me and HATES to admit it, because his life was going fine untill i came along and he felt what he never felt before for a women, and he is not saying this kind of things because he wants to f*ck me, he doesnt want to start an affair, if he chooses for me he chooses for me and will get a divorce and only then he would go that far to have sex with me but not now he is married! He does control himself and does everything he can, not to have sex with me, because he is in love with me it is very hard for him and thats why a few times we did had some kind of sexual connection, he feels very guilthy about it, and do not want to take it to the next level! Even if he is in love with me and not in love with her, he does care about her ALOT and they are offcourse best friends, he getting a divorce for me is not realistic because i can not offer him what she is giving him, my family is not wealthy, i am not born in the same religion as he(his family ONLY wants him to be with the same religion girl) He will loose everything he build up in this country and will loose in a way his family if he chooses me, his family will never accept me because i am not born in this religion and they will hate me for letting him loose everything he owns now(his buisiness and carrier)
    Even if he would be single now, it would be a romeo and julia story, yes very romantic but anyway with a bad ending, he would evenso choose somebody his family chooses for him!

    I can understand his position and because i love him i respect his situation, but still i love him so much and i am a very romantic person who believes in real love, so for me to live in a loveless(the kind of love husbend and wife should have imo) marridge without any passion only friendship is like a hell. So i really hope for his sake he will get a divorce and choose this time for somebody he truelly loves as a wife, nomather what his family says to him about it, whether its going to be me or not, and i hope for her to find someone who will be feeling the kind of love a husbend should feel for his wife.....
    I am not asking him to be against his family, tradition and religion, i am asking him to choose for his own happiness, because at the end of the day his family would also be happy if he is happy and G-d would be happy too for him to choose someone he really loves!

    The fact stays that he believes he will be unhappy if he looses everything he build and because of my past in the stripping an sex industry he does not see me as a partner eventhough he is in love he just can not handle my past and will probeply judge me the rest of our lives if he will marry me

    So i gotta let it go, and he gotta let it go too, we will NEVER forget each other and will always know that we felt true love for each other, he will stay married to her and i will probeply marry someone else but for sure i will not love this person as much as i love him!

    Sorry for the LONG story but really had to get it out of my system and hope that some of you understand that some situations are not as simple as you think, divorce is a big thing in some cultures and religions, love is not always the reason people get married! not all married men who are in love with somebody else are bad people and escpecially my love, because he is NOT starting an affair with me eventhough he has no sex no passion no romance with his wife he is still controlling himself so i think that deserves a bit respect for his side!

    And about me that i will burn in hell because i danced on his lap and gave him a striptease i only can say be in my shoes and try to understand that a women can love someone soooooooooooo much for a long time even if i tryed everything to cut off my love for him, believe me EVERYTHING i tryed!!!!! Am i still the only person left who does believe in love even if i can not be with the one i love???? i am not asking a award, but i am do asking some understanding, their are billion fish in the sea i only love 1, is that now a crime???? no it isnt !!!! i can not force myself to love somebody else, even that i tryed and didnt work out, till i met him i never felt love not for so long, for 1 month 2 month maximum, so if i do feel this kind of love it is real for me and i will stay in love.

    Like i said no affair, if he chooses to have sex with me he will be divorced, if not then nothing no sex, just still being in love with each other thats it we done! are we bad people now???? no we arent, life is just not so simple as some girls here think it is........

    Ciao XXX

    Ps: for the information we are both the same age,(26) they have no children, are married 2 years now and 11 years together.
    But me and him are from COMPLETE other culture, religion and traditions.

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Cristal1981 View Post

    We still do not have a affair, we do talk alot, and we both know we love each other alot, we did on a few occasions some kind of sexual things like lapdance with both fully dressed, and i stripped for him from a distance so he could not touch me.....

    Like i said no affair, if he chooses to have sex with me he will be divorced, if not then nothing no sex, just still being in love with each other thats it we done! are we bad people now???? no we arent, life is just not so simple as some girls here think it is........

    Ps: for the information we are both the same age,(26) they have no children, are married 2 years now and 11 years together. But me and him are from COMPLETE other culture, religion and traditions.
    Cristal:

    I cannot judge you or your heart's desire. I can only share my opinion...

    Being in love with somebody who doesn't love you can be a heartbreaking experience. However, being in love with somebody who loves you back but can't be with you seems even more painful and difficult.

    I have a friend from Nashville, Tennessee who once told me "The sizzle is better than the steak." The games you have played with the fully clothed lapdances and distant striptease can be just as arousing as naked sex, sometimes even hotter. I imagine that your working together must create an intense longing for more.

    Although you are both only 26, he has been this woman's mate for over 10 years. The way you wrote "COMPLETE" makes me think that the differences between your "culture, religion and traditions" might be a bigger problem than his being married.

    I feel for you, Cristal, and I hope that this situation doesn't drain your life of hope and joy at such an early stage...

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Budai View Post
    The way you wrote "COMPLETE" makes me think that the differences between your "culture, religion and traditions" might be a bigger problem than his being married.
    Funny. I was just thinking that cultures, religion, and traditions are superficial differences. There are a lot of practical reasons not to pursue this relationship, but these are not one's that I'd necessarily be concerned about IF both people can see past them and focus on each other. At least for me, I really don't care at all about traditions or culture - these things come and go. I just care about the aspects of human nature and ourselves that transcend temporary and superficial cultural differences.

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    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    I think if he wanted to be with you he would be. I don't think you and him are meant to be together.
    What you might want to do is look for somebody else that has the same or similar qualities that you like about him. I think working at the same company as him is not the best idea for you. Try looking for another job.
    Its sucks you fell for somebody you can't have. But there are other great people that you can have. Good luck




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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Men can't be in love with somebody they haven't had sex with. I don't know what it's called, but it's something else.

    But I mean if you have a chance at "true love" and all that, why not end a marriage for it? What does he lose if he leaves her?

    You can rebuild finances, but most romantics don't think there are that many "true loves" out there. I'd rather be broke and in love than rich and longing for somebody.

    They have no children, so I mean this won't injury the psyches of kids. All that different culture shit is for the birds. Get together and you two can make your own culture.

    But all that said, I just think he likes his toy. I mean they don't even have children so he can't have the "I'm staying with her for the kids" excuse.

    Next time you're alone with him, just seduce him and force his hand. Might as well.
    You can't love something you think is flawless - me


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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Sounds like a lot of married guys who like to play around, "Oh, I love you...I just cannot leave my wife...it would kill her...blah, blah, blah..."

    It's just a line. He doesn't love you. He's sexually attracted to you. Whether or not he loves his wife is irrelevant. He's playing a game with you hoping you'll hop on and play with him.

    You won't burn in hell...but there is such a thing called Karma.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Um. I would suggest 1) that he is NOT doing everything he can to be faithful to his wife if you two are engaged in sexual contact (e.g. a lapdance). Being a stripper in a stripclub is one thing. Doing it recreationally - it's not the same thing. I would suggest 2) that you are obsessing. While love is fine and great and all that, 6 months apart really should provide some perspective and people should be able to move on. The issue being that you don't want to move on. If you make the decision to move forward with your life and make room in your heart for someone else, it can happen. I would suggest 3) that ultimately he is valuing his wife's money over whatever love you think he has for you. I realize money is important, and I certainly do not fault him for not leaving his wife (although I think his commitment to her could maybe stand a little more scrutiny). But ultimately, the way you tell it, that is what is going on. "You are not rich enough for me, baby." I would suggest 4) that while some good relationships can come out of cheating... I wouldn't count on it. Ultimately when someone cheats it means that they do not respect their partner's feelings as being equal to their own. You might let a momentary lapse slide, but not a two year carrying-on. If he doesn't respect his wife (his best friend, etc.) he probably doesn't and won't respect you either.

    In either case - it's been 2 years. It's well past decision time. If you two are really, truly and deeply in love you can make a go of it. If you do not want to make a go of it - maybe it's time to admit that your love isn't really all that intense after all.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    "Married Men"

    The world is full of married men
    with wives who never understand.
    They're looking for someone to share
    the excitement of a love affair.

    And just as soon as they find you
    they'll wine you and dine you.
    Fly on the wings of romance.
    But in the eyes of the world
    you're just another girl
    who loves a married man.

    Uh! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it
    again and again.
    Ow! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    These married men.

    Ooh, you make him feel so young,
    but his wife is still the number one.
    He promises to marry you.
    Yeah, just as soon as his divorce comes through.

    Whoa, it's not just a fling,
    he swears it's the real thing,
    a love that will last 'til the end.
    But as he's driving away
    you know it's true what they say
    about a, a married man.

    They say they do it, they do it, they do it, they do it
    again and again.
    Wooo, they do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    These married men.

    Ah, he'll run when the scandal
    gets too hot to handle.
    He'll say he just wants to be friends.
    And then he'll walk outta your life
    and go home to his wife
    'cause he's a married man.

    Oh, your love is a secret.
    You've got to sneak it
    long as you can.
    Don't cry for your lover.
    There's always another
    married man! Married men!

    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    Married, married men.
    Ahh! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    These married men.

    The world is full of them.
    Girls, now listen.
    They're hungry. Don't trust a . . .
    Oh, the world is full of them.
    The world is full of them!

    They do it, they do it, they do it, do it
    again and again.
    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    Oh girl, these married men.
    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it
    again and again.
    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    Can't help but lovin'.
    Oh, honey, they do it and then they do it again.
    Ooh, make you feel real good!
    Ow! They do it and then they do it again.
    They love you and leave you

    (Nasty, nasty married men)
    I know! The world is full of them.
    The world is full of them!
    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    Whoa, I love a . . .
    Ah! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.
    Don't trust a . . .

    Ooh, you make him feel so young,
    but his wife is still number one.
    He promises to marry you.
    Yeah, just as soon as his divorce comes through.

    I know! The world is ful of them!
    The world is full of them!
    They do it, they do it, they do t, they do it.
    Whoa, I love a . . .
    Ah! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it!
    Don't trust a . . .
    Ow! They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it!
    Bum's gonna hurt you, destroy you!
    Yeah! They do it, they do it.
    They're gonna do it, do it to you.
    Married men, married men.
    They do it, they do it, they do it, they do it.

    Please! They do it and then they do it again!
    Again and again and again!
    They do it, I don't care what you do!
    Take off that mask, old boy!
    You did not listen to me, baby! . . .

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Sh0t View Post
    Men can't be in love with somebody they haven't had sex with. I don't know what it's called, but it's something else.
    u dont speak for all men. not all men are like you
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    The ones that aren't are too few to really worry about.

    Those song lyrics are pretty depressing. I hope single men take note. I remember that movie. It was pretty terrible.
    You can't love something you think is flawless - me


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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    LOL. Seriously. Reading those lyrics depressed me too.

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Quote Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
    Funny. I was just thinking that cultures, religion, and traditions are superficial differences. There are a lot of practical reasons not to pursue this relationship, but these are not one's that I'd necessarily be concerned about IF both people can see past them and focus on each other. At least for me, I really don't care at all about traditions or culture - these things come and go. I just care about the aspects of human nature and ourselves that transcend temporary and superficial cultural differences.
    Well, xschaden, that's the luxury of living in the United States. You can choose to dismiss cultures, religions and traditions as "temporary and superficial." I live in California today because those "superficial differences" became the basis for genocide in my father's native country.

    Cristal is writing from Europe, where societal norms regarding culture, religion & traditions are much less diffuse & a lot more rigid in certain regions. The marriage of her "lover" was arranged during his teens, which is a relative rarity in the United States. In certain cultures, upward social mobility is often attained via marriage versus individual merit, drive or ingenuity; he or she may not be willing to sacrifice this...

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    While I understand that you care for him, there is the possibility that your longing is exponentially increased by his unavailability. Just something to think about.

    He has said he doesn't want you for a partner, that he would have a problem with your past, yet he still loves you? That doesn't wash for me. Seems like suspect reasoning.

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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Budai View Post
    Well, xschaden, that's the luxury of living in the United States. You can choose to dismiss cultures, religions and traditions as "temporary and superficial." I live in California today because those "superficial differences" became the basis for genocide in my father's native country.

    Cristal is writing from Europe, where societal norms regarding culture, religion & traditions are much less diffuse & a lot more rigid in certain regions. The marriage of her "lover" was arranged during his teens, which is a relative rarity in the United States. In certain cultures, upward social mobility is often attained via marriage versus individual merit, drive or ingenuity; he or she may not be willing to sacrifice this...
    You are in fact, 100% correct. We in the USA have a lot of luxury to intellectualize, pursue dreams, express our freedoms, and so on, but you are 100% right on. I missed that Cristal was from Europe, although I just spent a little time in the Netherlands (a very liberal portion of the world, probably far more so then where I live in PA USA). The work and social ethics there are very similar to our own. But it's true that there are other parts of Europe where things are different.

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    Member Cristal1981's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a married man :(

    Thanks for all your comments some are heavy but very good to think about and some are very realistic, anyway i think its very good for me to hear some other opinions about this, and yes i do hope i will 'get over' the love i have for him, allthough i know that i will never forget him and will keep a place in my heart for him!

    Yes i am originally from Bosnia and live 23 years in The Netherlands, he is from the middle east and lives 4 years in The Netherlands, so there is a HUGE diffrence in culture, religion and morals.

    For some maybe love is more importent then culture and money but you can only speak for yourself because if culture, religion or money is more importent for a other person it doesnt always mean the person is a bad person it means that you are by far not in the same shoes as him! or had the same life as him, neither he has the same life as you, what is a pitty because in that case we would understand each other much more, but the fact stays besides him being married in an arranged marridge, he will not 'rebel' against his family to be with me because for him his family means as much to him as i mean to him and probeply his fam means more, aswell as his religion.
    He is taught to not love anything or anybody more then G-d and he truelly believes in this.

    For me its a painfull road, i understand this and do my best to somehow end this, in March i am going again to a other country and to stay longer away from Amsterdam then 6 months, why i am in love with him, because he is unavailble ???? maybe i am not sure i truelly also love him as the person he is, in the beginning when i met him i thought he was divorced that where the rumors going around about him and i allready was falling in love with him untill finnally we had a serious conversasion he told me no no i am married, and he knew about people spreading those rumors specially to me because they seen he liked me and i was flirting with him, and liked us to be a couple but yea reality is cruel and a bit diffrent after i knew he was married i was done with him and diddnt even want to have conversasions with him anymore any other then workrelated but he kept on going asking me questions about my life, my ex, if i am intrested in his religion, about my past, if i could ever stop with the sex industry an dancing, do i come from a big family with strict morals, if my culture is still Bosnian, how do i see women who are houswifes, if i could ever be a housewife, will i ever change the way i dress if my future husbend would want that etc etc etc so well yea after all of these type of questions i also ask questions and my love for him was growing only more and more.......
    So it is just a very complicated situation and eventhough we are raised up with diffrent religions, diffrent morals, diffrent cultures their is still something what makes us attract to each other and still 'klik' with each other.
    He is also impressed with my point of view about life and i am impressed about his point of view about life but that still doesnt mean he is willing to loose almost everything he has!!!! yes i am willing to complety change my life religion EVERYTHING for him but to be honest 'i have nothing to loose' only to gain!

    About the 'sex' part that men cannot fall in love untill they have sex is for me a bit too shortminded, their are still alot of men out there who can , i do not think love is always about the outside its ALSO about the inside of a person's soul thats what i call 'real love' and falling in love with a person's soul does not mean he or she has to first have sex in order to feel this kind of love, this love can only grow after sex or in some situations become less because sex was a bit too fast, thats my opinion about it


    XXX

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