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Thread: I hate being in the closet.

  1. #1
    Yekhefah
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    Thumbs down I hate being in the closet.

    Lying about not being a stripper makes me feel like so much more of a loser than being one.

    My family is clued into the Oregon move, but they think I still do a ton of production work, and they thought I was still teaching. My grandparents' respect has always meant a lot to me, and now whenever I talk to them it winds up being a grilling about why I'm leaving L.A. and what I'm going to do for work. I don't really have an answer, I just tell them I'm bartending for now and I'll find a stable non-production job when I get to Oregon. I can hear in their voices that they're completely mystified and disappointed that I haven't become the next Steven Spielberg and I'm giving up on L.A. and what they think is a three-year career.

    I just feel so dejected; whenever I talk to them nowadays, I feel like a monumental loser. I know they don't like K as much as they loved my ex-husband, and the fact that K and I aren't married creates awkward moments and also disappoints them. In their eyes, I'm a flop and a failure who's just aimlessly drifting to Oregon for lack of anywhere better to go.

    I really want to just come out and say, "Actually, guys, I'm a stripper. When I'm not in L.A., I can bank two or three grand a week setting my own hours and having fun. By moving to Oregon, I can bank more money and produce some more short films, get out of debt, write more, and have more freedom to live my life and pursue the career I actually WANT. I DO have a fucking plan, so leave me alone." But if I said that, they would keel over and die. So instead, I have to let them think I'm a failure and a loser. *sigh*

    Anybody else in this boat?

  2. #2
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Wait, you're moving to Oregon?

  3. #3
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    I was and then I said fuck it and told everyone..Thankfully all of my Grandparents are dead except for one and she can't understand anything I'm saying anyway.
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  4. #4
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    LOL, yeah. We were planning to go in January but I'm moving us into storage by the end of this week, and K and I will be in limbo for awhile. He's doing a show in southern Oregon through mid-December, I'll be taking a strip trip and then joining him there, then we're going to Memphis for the holidays, and then we'll come get our shit out of storage in L.A. and move it to Portland just after the new year.

    Another thing about my damn family. Two or three days ago, it was "get your asthmatic lungs out of L.A. before you die, you should go north with K, those fires are gonna kill ya," etc. So now I'm going and it's, "But what about your job? What are you going to do there? Are you SURE?"

    I love my family but they make me so damn crazy.

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    God/dess cutey5032's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Girl, I feel you!!!!!!!!! Being in the closet SUCKS!! As I said in an earlier post, I often wonder how I became the way I am with such a close-minded family. I'm sick of telling them I work a stupid telemarketing job, making $600 every 2 weeks, and I'm sick of seeming so dependent on my BF (I'm not, but he is my greatest alibi). I'm sick of hearing snarky comments like the other day when I was scratching a lottery ticket "Yeah, you BETTER play that lottery, cause thats the only way you're going to get rich." I'm sick of hearing about how wonderful my high-school friends are for going to college, and how they are going to be so rich and successful living making 30K a year and living with their parents. I'm sick of hearing how I'm such a loser for not graduating. I want to scream out "I make 100K a year taking off my clothes, dammit. I've come so far in such a short time. I pay all my bills on time, I pay rent, I save money, I am focused on money goals."

    Ugh one day I will stop being a loser and own up to myself maybe. The more I talk about it, the sweeter it sounds. THe way gay people say they were awkward and once they were out of the closet, they felt so FREE. I WANT THAT!!



    And "the closet" is the most accurate term ever. I never could relate to the hell gay people must go through until I became a closet-stripper. Its like, being a stripper has become such a huge part of WHO I AM, and I should NOT be ashamed of it. Sure, I'd lose friends if they found out (I've already lost most of them; either that or those who know are "scared" of me), but fuck them anyways.

  6. #6
    Featured Member iambonbon05's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Uh yeah, there's no way I'm telling my family. They were plenty upset when I told them I wasn't Catholic and mentioned (MENTIONED, they don't know I did it anyway) that I wanted to move in with C.

    I hate it too. I'm debating whether I can even tell my friends.
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    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    Hey, lapdances cost at LEAST 5 chickens. If you be offering them for one chicken, you be lowballin' girl.

  7. #7
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    It is TOTALLY like being gay and in the closet. Once I fell in love with a woman and considered bringing her home to my family, and it felt the same way. All my friends know, hell, most of my casual acquaintances know. I'm not shy or ashamed about it. Everyone knows except my huge, loving, close-knit Southern family and I know they'd love me anyway, but they'd be devastated so I have to live a lie. It's a damn shame.

    But then, if there was no stigma in this profession, there would be no money in it. Everyone would do it if it were easy. We make money as compensation for the social stigma, so it's a trade.

  8. #8
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Oh babe I feel exactly the same way. This post made me wanna cry.
    I am so close to my parents and love them dearly and the only reason I dont tell them is because it would hurt them too much. They are very conservative people and they are really proud of me for other reasons so I can't tell them.

    It really sucks tho. I got chosen to be in the calendar at my club but I had to turn it down even tho I really wanted to do it because I was too scared that someone who knew them would come across the calendar.

    The worst part of this job is having to hide it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

  9. #9
    God/dess NinaDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Quote Originally Posted by jaizaine View Post
    The worst part of this job is having to hide it.
    I'm still stunned at how many people I've met kinda "turn" when they find out I used to dance. It's like all the other things they knew about you before, the things that made them like you and be drawn to you are all of a sudden negated by it.

    Even as an adult it's still normal to want your family's acceptance, just don't drive yourself crazy over it. As long as you're happy where you are (or at least working to getting there, which it definitely seems you are) then that should help you relax more about the "closeting". Even though, yeah, it is a shitty feeling.
    "She has written so well, and marvellously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer...But this girl, who is to my knowledge very unpleasant and we might even say a high-grade bitch, can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers"

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  10. #10
    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Sometimes I just want to come out with it, but then I remember how it was when they knew I danced several years ago. It caused a rift so big that it took me years to get back in my dad's good graces. Now he's really proud of me for all the wrong reasons, getting married to a good guy, being a good mom, etc. But I don't care because it makes things so much easier btw he and I. It is worth him thinking that my husband takes care of things financially and that I do freelance work and sell things on eBay.

    The rest of my family pretty much knows without knowing, and maybe dad too. I don't know, and I will go out of my way to avoid discussing any personal details around the dinner table. I learned the hard way long ago that it just isn't worth it to tell the truth about this.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    A lot of people really do change their minds about me. I mean, stripping is such a small part of everything else I am. But when certain friends or other people hear about the dancing thing, it's all they see. They see stripper first and foremost, and everything else as an afterthought: "ooh, stripper in school", whatever.

    It really taught me a lesson. You can't take bias for granted. I am so used to coming off as a meek, shy person, it was kind of weird to be treated like, well, 'stripper girl'. People at parties or whatever, they act so differently.

    Plus, I hate all the questions. They don't believe what I say anyway. Even boyfriends all kind of had this thought that I was promiscuous because of the job, when really I'm practically asexual. Once my last boyfriend, I told him something or other about work, and he took it as the context that I went out with customers and fucked them for money. When it had zero to do with anything like that. He covered it well, but that was his first reaction. It was goddamn infuriating. All I could think was "I HATE sex, and I have it because you want it, and this is what you think of me?!"

    But my family, no way. They might already know about it, and denial is fine. It would only hurt them. It might be an inconvenience to me, but it's unfair to them. They shouldn't have to go through that worry and guilt. I know what I signed up for...but maybe it's more disturbing to learn how shallow people can be...or judgmental, I suppose. People I would not have expected to be that way, considering all the stupid shit they do....ugh. I mean, we don't talk about dad's cheating, etc. We are a very tight lipped family about personal matters.

  12. #12
    God/dess SundayMorning's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Jaizaine, I DID start to cry. (I'm totally overemotional recently, Paula's Home Cooking made me cry earlier.) But it's so goddamn true. My last two jobs, I was a manager at some call centers in town. It was far from perfect and yeah there were a lot of times that I hated my job and what I had to do there, but I could talk to my parents about it and they knew that I was at least learning something about myself even though I'm a college dropout and not really fulfilling any big life dreams.

    When I got fired from the last one (for flirting with a coworker), I could tell they were a little disappointed in me but mostly hopeful that I would take this as my opportunity to start Making Something Of Myself. Then as far as they know, I get a part-time job as a waitress and I'm dependent on The Hubby to keep us financially afloat. Still not in college. Stil not opening up the restaurant my mom thinks I'm destined to run. I can feel her hope and her disappointment every time we talk. It's so. Fucking. Frustrating.

    Big reason why I'm doing Nanowrimo, so at least I can divert the inevitable conversation about careers to "hey but guess what I've been working on?"

    Fuck. Something's gonna come out at Thanksgiving, I know it. Part of me actually really wants to be "outed." Just so I am facing the horror in the light, rather than hiding.


  13. #13
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Ladies everything that's been posted here is so true for me too. This is such a great thread!!

    It's so true how it becomes the only tihng people are interested in about you.
    The other day one of my male friends rang me (I missed the call) and later when he told me why he called he said that he was with his female cousin and they were talking abotu stripping and when he said his friend was one, she wanted to talk to me to ask questions coz she was curious!! Get fucked. Seriously I am so glad I didn't answer coz I would have slammed the phone in both their ears.
    If you are so interested then fucking strip don't interogate me about it.

    Since I started dancing I have realised that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what we are doing. Most of the idiots who think there is haven't even visited a strip club before!! Why do we have to hide our jobs coz society makes it seem shameful. It's just naked human bodies, there are far worse things in the world than that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

  14. #14
    ruru123
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Yek,

    I was the same as you for awhile...i told my parents i was "bartending" and doing "film work" and they bought it for awhile. until one day one of my old neighboors came in and busted me. then my parents found out. it's hard to lie to them day in and day out, but it's also hard to face them knowing they are so hurt by me dancing. i feel like such a loser, and a failer. it just breaks their heart to know i do this. even though they know im smart about shit, and don't drink or do drugs, or am not prosituting, it's still hard on them. i would wish they never found out, even though i still felt awful lyin to them, atleast they weren't hurt.

    i'd would suggest to keep it from them as long as you can, or until you stop, then you don't have to say anything.

  15. #15
    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Yep, being in the closet sucks. It's totally counter to who I am, or who I want to be...but I just can't , or wont, deal with the repercussions of honesty on this topic.

    I make up for the guilt of lying to whoever I feel I need to (ie family, school, other work) by being ridiculously, pathalogically honest about every single other detail of my life, lol.

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  16. #16
    Featured Member dangerousdiva's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    I hate lying about it too. I know my family would be way to hurt by it to ever understand. However the lie just gets bigger and bigger since I leave town so much. I live near a lot of nosy extended family and they always ask me about what I do.

    My worst fear is that my Mother or my Sisters will want to tag along with me on one of business trips, since they have hinted they would love to go to Las Vegas to see a show and go shopping. I just always make my trips out to be busy and miserable to deter them

    It totally SUCKS being in the closet, but I know my conservative family would never get it.

  17. #17
    Featured Member Sindi's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    It so funny that we all do this , well not "funny haha" . My mom knows and she doesn't love it but its clear that she has no clue what its really about . Little things have come out in conversation (arguments) and its clear to me that she is just scared for me . She always says "but your so smart , you could do more " and that pisses me off because I love to dance and be on stage and since I am not 20 and have not had YEARS of professional training then this is my medium .

    When I first started my brother thought is was cool . I could not get him to understand that it was not cool for him to tell everyone or anyone before I got to know them . He started dating this douche bag in Washington and of course he told her and now he wont even speak to me and when I got pregnant it was like a scandal in their eyes and my only brother has never even asked one little question about his only niece and he has only seen one picture that I sent him as a olive branch .......it will have been two years this month since we last spoke .

    Everyone turns on you when you tell them , its sucks . I felt bad for this chick at work because she was a newbie and every time we went somewhere it was so awkward because she would have told a bunch of guys "oh hey my stripper friend is going to be there and she is hot" and of course all the women there had flames shooting out of their eyes before I Could even say hi . Thats the way the girl would ALWAYS introduce me too "This is my stripper friend" it was so embarrassing and so awkward too ....needless to say that friendship didn't last to long .


    I would like to say that I don't care what people think but it hurts when people hate you for the wrong reason , I don't like being misunderstood .


    I have had so many bad reactions to my "career" its just ridiculous , pretty much my whole family has nothing to do with me because of it . Most of them have only heard rumors too which is worse . You know me my whole life and you just hear something from someone and poof you dislike me and think I am crap over night .


    Who needs them

  18. #18
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Quote Originally Posted by NinaDaisy View Post
    I'm still stunned at how many people I've met kinda "turn" when they find out I used to dance. It's like all the other things they knew about you before, the things that made them like you and be drawn to you are all of a sudden negated by it.
    Exactly, its not worth it. People just don't get it and aren't willing to overlook the stigma. I'm fine keeping my past to myself until I am comfortable with and trust the person. Even then they often make an about-face.

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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Ladies,

    It's what I call a "least worst choice" situation. There are no good choices to make, only a series of options that will cause you different levels of difficulty.

    Unfortunately we live in a judgemental world, and strippers get a bad press. Were you to look at some of the people who look down on you I'd bet you'd find a few skeletons in the closet.

    There's bound to be a few who beat up on their girl friends or steal from work or whatever. Unfortunately, it's never a case of "let he without sin cast the first stone".

    The main problem with telling someone you're a dancer is that you can't 'untell' them if they don't react as you hoped.

    However upsetting the idea might be to you, perhaps not telling is the 'least worst choice'?

    Phil.

  20. #20
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Aughhh, I came THIS close to telling my mom this morning. Apparently my grandparents told her, "Here she she is with a Master's degree and she's bartending and moving to Oregon with some boyfriend like a trailer-maid." Apparently I'm worthless white trash because I have a tattoo and I live with a guy I'm not married to. WTF is that piece of paper worth? I'm already fucking divorced!

    I know they wish I'd stayed with my ex-husband, so it would be me out in the house in the suburbs with him, working nine to five to make someone else rich, watching TV every night until falling asleep, slowly growing fat and old. That's the life that would make my FAMILY happy, so who gives a shit whether it makes ME happy or not?

    And they think I'm giving up what I don't have to move to Portland with "some boyfriend" (who loves and respects me for who I actually am) and be a bartender. I just want to call them and scream, "I'm moving to Portland so I can live happily doing naked lapdances for strangers and have more money and free time to make short films and write and pursue the life I want! I DANCE NAKED AND I LOVE IT, and I love my NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP!"

    Grrrr. Fucking family. I'm so pissed right now I could scream. I need to just let it go, and I will eventually, but right now I am fuming. I hate holding this all in.

  21. #21
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    My whole family knows. It was (and still is) the end of the relationship between my mother and I. But, I don't care, because she's always been the type of person who gives their opinion or advice and gets pissed if I choose to do something that she doens't agree with. Oh, well. The rest of the fam loves me still.

    Yek-Good luck with the move and all!!

  22. #22
    Featured Member Sinder's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    Sometimes I just want to come out with it, but then I remember how it was when they knew I danced several years ago. It caused a rift so big that it took me years to get back in my dad's good graces. Now he's really proud of me for all the wrong reasons, getting married to a good guy, being a good mom, etc. But I don't care because it makes things so much easier btw he and I. It is worth him thinking that my husband takes care of things financially and that I do freelance work and sell things on eBay.

    The rest of my family pretty much knows without knowing, and maybe dad too. I don't know, and I will go out of my way to avoid discussing any personal details around the dinner table. I learned the hard way long ago that it just isn't worth it to tell the truth about this.




    Ahhhh, so true, I have the same "routine"...my Grandparents(now my only family) think that hubby takes care of me and I sell on ebay for extra money through my porcelain doll hobby.

    Although, I had to be creative in explaining to them and the in-laws on why I have a stripper pole mounted in my house!LOL! But it is so much easier to avoid the whole real work topic and just keep it private.

    Yek, you can still tell your family your doing film work, just in Oregon. Say your changing for the scenery of your films. Not every great producer is confined to one state. Your just changing things up. Most of us are in the closet with you, so at least you'll never be alone!

  23. #23
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Well, I don't direct or produce for a living. They think I work in production. I did work in production for over two years and it made me miserable to bust my ass for 14-20 hours a day on shitty low-budget crap movies, simpering like a bitch-slave for rude jagoffs making twenty times what I make and with a fraction of the education or talent, and still not having enough to live on. K stuck with it and he's been in the industry almost ten years and he's only just now getting decent jobs; he only just became union-eligible, and he hasn't joined yet. I am HAPPY about getting out of production work, because I have my soul back and I have the time and energy to create my own films again. But the family can't see past a regular paycheck issued through company payroll, and health insurance.

    I agree with my grandfather that becoming a college professor would be a great idea. It's just that getting a PhD would have me still broke and transient for another five or six years. I'm applying to the programs but I'm hoping something good happens with one of my screenplays so the PhD isn't necessary. I keep reminding myself that no one is a successful director until after thirty, so I do still have time.

    I feel like life would be easier if I could tell my family how and why I don't expect to worry about money anymore once I'm living in an area where the thought of going to work doesn't give me panic attacks.

    I hate lies. They stress me out. I'm an extremely honest person and it would be such a relief to call my mother and yell, "I'm not a bartender, I'M A STRIPPER!"

  24. #24
    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Wow, this is an angle i never thought up.

  25. #25
    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being in the closet.

    Having read this, maybe this thread should be in SG or LO. Not that it ruins the 'mood' or anything, but maybe it should be just for chicks/dancers.

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