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Thread: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

  1. #1
    Member Cypress Shade's Avatar
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    Default Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    ANY OPINION IS WELCOME

    Help! I need help with my dating life!!! I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out what it is!

    I am dating a guy I really like and I think he likes me. (He actually cried the other day when we were talking about the possibility of a future together. He tried not to let me see but he had tears on his face and I kept wiping them off. He downloads love songs on my computer and tells me personal things like his middle name. I got the impression he thinks I could be "the one.")

    The problem is he does NOT call me or e-mail me unless I do it first. Sometimes I send him a little e-mail or text just asking how his day is going. He writes back but I think he's trying to "be strong" and not show that he cares. This makes me feel sad because I need him to show that he cares. When he doesn't even call to check up on me for a couple days it makes me worry that our relationship is doomed- like he DOESN'T care and it makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.

    I don't know, maybe I am completely delusional and he really ISN'T in to me. But this happened with another guy I dated a year ago. After I broke up with Mr. Too-good-to-call-me he tried to win me back for months, but it was too late. I had seen that he wasn't emotionally available when we were a couple so I moved on.

    All I want is for him to make the first move once in a while. I don't understand- why am I getting the cold shoulder?
    Last edited by Cypress Shade; 10-26-2007 at 01:29 PM.

  2. #2
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    It sounds like you might be just a tad bit needy. Have you told him that it's important to hear from him?

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    Member Cypress Shade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Yes. I told him I like it I get up and see an e-mail from him in the morning. The other day I said, leave me a message so I can hear your sexy voice before I get out of bed, and he did. But he NEVER initiates contact.

    If I am acting too needy, what should I be doing different? If I don't call him he doesn't call me!!!

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    Veteran Member Toki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    ^^ Yeah, what Glamazon said about neediness? (Not to put you down or anything. I used to be that way too.) Have you read Why Men Love Bitches? It has some really good points about getting a man to respect you. If he doesn't bother calling you, try not calling him for a while. Give hime the cold shoulder to show you've got more important things to worry about than waiting for him to email or call first. Chances are he'll be like "WTF? Why isn't she calling me? Did she find someone better?" and then want to see what you're up to. It's worked for me. Let him know that your time is important and that if he wants to see you, he better get his ass to the phone and make plans, instead of him waiting around til last minute or you always calling him.

    BTW, how long have you been dating him? That could factor into it too.

    ETA: If he doesn't like calling you first, either he's got some self-confidence or social issues, or he's playing games, or he just doesn't think you're that important. I dont' want to sound harsh here, but if a guy is REALLY into you, he'll most likely be making more of an effort to get ahold of you, at least in my experience.

  5. #5
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by Toki View Post
    ^^ Yeah, what Glamazon said about neediness? (Not to put you down or anything. I used to be that way too.) Have you read Why Men Love Bitches? It has some really good points about getting a man to respect you. If he doesn't bother calling you, try not calling him for a while. Give hime the cold shoulder to show you've got more important things to worry about than waiting for him to email or call first. Chances are he'll be like "WTF? Why isn't she calling me? Did she find someone better?" and then want to see what you're up to. It's worked for me. Let him know that your time is important and that if he wants to see you, he better get his ass to the phone and make plans, instead of him waiting around til last minute or you always calling him.

    BTW, how long have you been dating him? That could factor into it too.

    ETA: If he doesn't like calling you first, either he's got some self-confidence or social issues, or he's playing games, or he just doesn't think you're that important. I dont' want to sound harsh here, but if a guy is REALLY into you, he'll most likely be making more of an effort to get ahold of you, at least in my experience.
    OMG, this is so true!! Actually all of the above is true.

    To the OP--I have no good advice, because I'm a super needy person, too and I don't know how to stop!! It drives Boyfriend crazy, but the past few days, I have actually not been calling him like I used to (we live together and he works all the time...) and so we just don't talk. Maybe your guy just has alot going on? Or like Toki said, maybe the issue is with him--you'd be surprised how many guys are afraid of rejection and just don't inititate contact because of that. From what you said, it sounds like he likes you.

  6. #6
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    I don't know... Im always the one who has to initiate contact with my boy. I know he cares about me and all that stuff he just doesn't like the phone or im lol.

    He will send me a random text every now and then but im almost always the one who has to make contact first.

    I asked him about it and he said its not that he doesn't care its just how he is.

    It used to bug me but now im used to it. We have a LD relationship so yea it will drive me crazy once n awhile but i've accepted it and I know thats just him.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypress Shade View Post
    ANY OPINION IS WELCOME

    He downloads love songs on my computer and tells me personal things like his middle name. I got the impression he thinks I could be "the one.")

    The problem is he does NOT call me or e-mail me unless I do it first.
    Okay first...telling you his middle name is not personal info. It does not mean you are "the one". That's just every day talk.

    I'm sorry, but you sound very naive about dating.

    it also sounds like, yup "he's just not that into you".

    If a guy likes you, he is going to call. He won't wait for you to do it. If a guy likes you, he'll call you every day to hear your voice.

    If you don't call him, and a few days go by without hearing from you, he doesn't like you.


    Try NOT calling/texting/messaging him for a while. If he calls, he likes you...if he doesn't, he doesn't, an dyou can move ont o the next one.

  8. #8
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post



    If a guy likes you, he is going to call. He won't wait for you to do it. If a guy likes you, he'll call you every day to hear your voice.

    If you don't call him, and a few days go by without hearing from you, he doesn't like you.

    Not true at all. Some guys just dont like the phone or im. Its not that they're not into you. Its just how they are.

    Read my post above yours.

  9. #9
    stellaforstars
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    This honestly sounds like every guy I've ever dated...

    ...And it irritates the shit out of me as well.

    It also sounds like you are trying to give him subtle hints about this being a problem. I think this is the wrong approach. You probably need to beat him over the head with it--"Baby, I really care about you and I want for this to work, but I'm having a little problem..." Then explain how you really feel. No subtle hints, but no blatant accusations about him being a horrible partner.

    That's what has worked for me in the past.

    And by the way, I don't think it's terribly needy to want for someone else to initiate contact, even if it's just every once in awhile. I think it's simply good dating ettiquette.

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post
    I'm sorry, but you sound very naive about dating.

    it also sounds like, yup "he's just not that into you".

    If a guy likes you, he is going to call. He won't wait for you to do it. If a guy likes you, he'll call you every day to hear your voice.

    If you don't call him, and a few days go by without hearing from you, he doesn't like you.


    Try NOT calling/texting/messaging him for a while. If he calls, he likes you...if he doesn't, he doesn't, an dyou can move ont o the next one.
    Well, kandie_kitten, if you think that she sounds very naive about dating, then you on the other hand sound very rude where your dating-life is concerned. Also, unless you are a man, you shouldn't state assumptions about their habits... and even if you would be a man, you shouldn't promote yourself to the spokesperson of the entire male population.

    That being said, the guy seems to be very shy, or insecure, or even emotionally unstable, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like the OP. Maybe he's just afraid show his need for affection and/or attention, who knows? I can only recommend to be cautious, because if he "cries when talking about a possible future", then he might already have been in that situation before and it might not have turned out the way he wanted it to, or he wallows in self-pity, or he tries to prematurely attach emotion to draw you closer.

    I agree with kandie_kitten though, that you should give it a couple of days where you don't initiate contact. After that if you don't hear anything, shoot him a quick text, if his reply (if there is one) is some generic crap, then I don't think he's the right one for you. Just my opinion..

  11. #11
    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    He might just be the type who isn't into calling or who likes you as best as he can, but for some guys they rarely or ever feel so strongly about women that they have to hear their voices every day. Me, I think it's important for a couple to connect often, even if it's just a minute or two to say "hi, how are you" once a day, but not every one is into that. Everyone is a bit different.

    Then on top of that the social expectations are constantly changing, and some guys are getting the message, let the women do the pursuing and calling. I guess it works on some, leaving them more interested in pursuing the harder-to-get guy. /shrug

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    Newbie Orpheus13's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by stellaforstars View Post
    This honestly sounds like every guy I've ever dated...

    ...And it irritates the shit out of me as well.

    It also sounds like you are trying to give him subtle hints about this being a problem. I think this is the wrong approach. You probably need to beat him over the head with it--"Baby, I really care about you and I want for this to work, but I'm having a little problem..." Then explain how you really feel. No subtle hints, but no blatant accusations about him being a horrible partner.

    That's what has worked for me in the past.

    And by the way, I don't think it's terribly needy to want for someone else to initiate contact, even if it's just every once in awhile. I think it's simply good dating ettiquette.

    I agree with being direct. Trying to drop hints often leaves to much grey area and personally leaves me trying to figure out what she actually meant and what it is that she wants from me. However, if he does care about you, then I would think that he would initiate contact sometimes... especially if he knows that he is in an actual relationship with you... Let him know what you need from him, and then see if he is willing to give it.

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Hi Cypress,

    I actually don't think you're doing anything wrong, and from a guy's point of view I don't get the sense that you are acting needy. It might be that, for yourself, you want for the relationship to work too much. And maybe he is feeling that. But I'll admit I don't get the behavior of this guy. The crying in talking about the future hits me as strange: as if there is some history, something he is not telling you, that moves him greatly when he thinks about this subject in general. The not calling I can understand--I too don't feel comfortable spending a long time on the phone--but this too could indicate that he doesn't want to get "pinned down," for some reason. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to communicate at least by e-mail, where he can think through what he is saying and plan things a little better, if that is what he is worrying about.

    So I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that there is some mystery here--something pretty tough in his history that probably has nothing to do with you. That he thinks a great deal of you but is worried about moving forward. The fact that you haven't heard about it yet means it is a deep thing. I once got involved with a woman who began to demand a future with me after a brief period of time and did things that were genuinely crazy; I found out that there were really severe reasons for the way she acted. I know that for a long while after I was able to break away from the relationship I had a very hard time moving forward with any woman. Something like this is at the bottom of this situation, I am guessing.

    If it is too much to bear I don't think you should try to change him. It will take time for him to heal, if that is the problem: maybe more time than you are willing to wait. I know you are afraid of coming right out and saying you need the connection--his voice on the machine or an e-mail, because you are afraid you will seem needy, but honestly, from a male point of view, this direct talk from a woman would make me feel more secure: you will distinguish yourself, in his mind, from whatever he is running from, if you tell the truth about your heart but tell him, too, that you're not out to trap him--you just want to know he cares. Seems reasonable to me. Does that make sense?

    In any case, from where I'm standing, any guy would be lucky to have you. I hope you don't fall into doing what I think we're both capable of--painting a rosy picture in our minds even if all of the evidence is not there. Make sure to watch out for your heart. I hope things work out as you would like them to!
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Could it be possible he really does like you, but doesn't want to seem needy/clingy by calling you every day?

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    Member Cypress Shade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Ok. I think I DO probably want the relationship to work a little TOO much. I don't really think he's damaged from previous relationships- everybody has baggage, but I think he's ok and I'm ok and we could be good for eachother. I am not trying to trap him. I am not even sure what I will want in the future! I just want to be his girlfriend right now becuase I like him and trust him, and I don't trust a lot of people.

    I guess I'm just scared of losing a good thing. Maybe that "neediness" is repelling him.

    I still don't know what to make of it, but hearing different opinions has made me feel a lot better. At least for now...

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    Member Dusterpilot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    OK ....here is a guys take on the sit.... it's one of two things , take your pick !

    #1. He is afraid to be REAL nice to you (ie flowers , gifts , lots of calls or IM's ) because it is being TOO needy and clingy and that is a BIG turn off to many YL's but deep inside all he wants to do is be with you every moment of the day and night !

    #2. He's just not into you.....:-(

    I pick #1. for you , keep trying.....;-)

    Flame Suit On......

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    [QUOTE=thing;1259940]Well, kandie_kitten, if you think that she sounds very naive about dating, then you on the other hand sound very rude where your dating-life is concerned. Also, unless you are a man, you shouldn't state assumptions about their habits... and even if you would be a man, you shouldn't promote yourself to the spokesperson of the entire male population.

    QUOTE]

    I'm rude because I dont' call my guy every freakin day?

    Sorry, I'm just not clingy.

    If one person is the only making an effort, i.e. contacting the other, that's a sign the relationship isn't healthy, it should be a balance.

    And Cally, your situation is a tad different; your relatonship is established, and an accepted situation.

    The OP's situation is that it is a new relationship, and she is doing all the work. Not a good sign. It also sounds like she's very smitten, whereas he seems distant...another bad sign.

    It's fine to say people communicate differently and all that...but if you sit down with someone who supposedly cares about you, and you tell him, "look, it's really important for me to hear from you, and when I don't, I feel hurt and neglected"...and he continues the same behavior, he doesn't care about you.

  18. #18
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    The thing is though we were like this before it was established... hell I didn't even know it was established until recently because it was never really a said thing lol.

    I was always doing all the work with my boy from the get go... again though he told me thats how he was.

    I say just ask him if there is a reason why hes like this. Either he will say he would rather be friends or he will say its just how he is *shrug*

    You never know till you ask.

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    You could have a fear of commitment. You subconsciously smother the object of your affections until he bolts or the relationship self-destructs, thus, avoiding commitment.


    First, slow down, let the relationship develop slowly, don't force it. You should make it a point of seeing/talking to him no more than 3 times per week until feelings develop. Even then, give yourself time away from each other so you don't smother him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    You have to have the attitude that you don't need him and you don't care if he comes or goes.

    Don't dump your life in his lap and expect him to take care of you or have an instant relationship. Men don't want a huge commitment right away and need time to get use to changes in a relationship.

    A man will make more of a commitment when their feelings develop for the woman. Don't put the cart before the horse (feelings first, then more commitment) or this relationship will self-destruct.

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    It sounds like you might be just a tad bit needy.
    Agreed...and naive, to boot.

    He actually cried the other day when we were talking about the possibility of a future together. He tried not to let me see but he had tears on his face and I kept wiping them off. He downloads love songs on my computer and tells me personal things like his middle name.
    Huh?

    It's fine to say people communicate differently and all that...but if you sit down with someone who supposedly cares about you, and you tell him, "look, it's really important for me to hear from you, and when I don't, I feel hurt and neglected"...and he continues the same behavior, he doesn't care about you.
    It doesn't mean that at all. It means he's got other stuff to do--you know, work, eating, traveling, sleeping, et al. Unless your boyfriend is the caricature of the stripper boyfriend--unemployed drug dealing parasite that plays XBox all day and jams with his intonation-challenged band all night--he's got other things on his mind and in his life besides you. If he's really into you, he'll call/text/email when he can.

    I guess I'm just scared of losing a good thing. Maybe that "neediness" is repelling him.
    If you can't go 24 hours without hearing from him without descending into emotional chaos, what guy is going to be drawn to that? If he's into you, he'll make an effort at his own pace, based upon his own desire to contact you/be with you. Harping on him about his availability is a sure way to kill interest, as it strikes men as a precursor to nagging.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Okay, I don't really buy the "the man must make all the moves or you are a needy lapdog" bull. Some guys are shy, or busy, or whatever.

    BUT, if you are making ALL the moves, or most of the moves, there is a problem.

    Either you're expecting him to contact way too frequently-which he isn't doing because he may have a life beyond you, or he's just not that into you, or he gets off on having women chase after him.

    Every couple of days seems like a lot, but then, I don't know how close you guys are...

    I've read the Why Men Love Bitches book. It's okay, I think the Dumb Fox chapter was complete bull, but you may learn something from the rest of it.

    Try reversing the scenario. If a guy is really needy and wanting you to call all the time, whining, etc., how would you feel? Would you get turned off? I know I would. Independence is sexy.

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    God/dess UtahMike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    Some guys just never think that they should call, or write, or text, or IM, or send flowers, etc. They are happy with the relationship as it is, but they don't think that it is up to them to keep it going.

    If your guy is like this, you will not change him by telling him about it. You might get a note or a bunch of flowers one time, but then he would go back to his normal self. The only way a person like this can change is with some serious relationship counseling, and then they have to WANT to change.

    I think you want a guy who will treat you as someone who is wonderful and special, the way you treat him. And if this is what you want, perhaps you and this guy are not meant for each other and you should move on. You deserve to be special to someone, and there IS someone looking for you so he can be that person.

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    CasualObserver, I'm not sure what is accomplished by calling the OP naive, and I don't think the situation is that simple. Something more is going on here, and I think (as a few posts have mentioned) the OP seems needy only because she's not getting any response from the guy--sounds to me like anybody would need a little more than what she is getting. I'm guessing that she is also recovering from some difficult things in the past, and she is trying to get her bearings again. We're here to support her. She is asking us for an interpretation of her situation, and not for judgment on her--don't you think?
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: Question for males or females- What am I doing wrong?

    It doesnt sound to me that you are acting at all needy, in fact I am surprised anyone has called you such. If wanting a man to initiate contact sometimes if not equally as I makes me needy then I am pretty goddamn needy. *sigh* To me that's just how relationships go! Two way street! Not just with dating, with friendships also. If I have to put in all the work I get annoyed.

    And quite frankly this guy sounds strange. The things he's saying, I dunno... I'm wary!

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