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Thread: This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

    When I was 15, I left my parents' house. My parents were strict, had mental issues of their own (My mom panic attack disorder, social anxiety, and a history of sexual abuse, and my dad had lots of anger due to his chronic disease and suffers depression to this day), and I ended up raising my 5 younger siblings to an extent because they had bitten off more than they could chew when it came to having kids, then got mad because I wasn't a good parent. I won't give the details of why I left, but I was put in foster care for a year. "Problem solving" consisted of drugging me up rather than actually try to solve the underlying problems, which made things worse. After the year was up, my parents refused to take me back in. They accused me of using drugs and prostituting myself (which I did not do), along with many things that I did do (stealing money, sneaking out), and that they did not trust me around my 5 younger siblings. It was the most painful time of my life and I sincerely wanted to die. Rumors spread in the family, and nobody wanted me near them or my children. Some people still talk of these rumors at reunions, which will guarantee a cold shoulder. I was actually relieved when my cousin got busted for drugs, as the spotlight was taken off me.

    My aunt and uncle sought legal custody of me and won. They got a very angry, defensive, broken, insecure, hurt, hateful, distrustful teen. However, they made it clear that their love was unconditional. They took the time to take me to a good counselor rather than just drug me up, they listened to me and worked with me rather than shut me up. My foster parents and parents would pull the, "We'll send you back if you misbehave," to control me, which shut me up like a charm but broke me in ways I don't wish on anybody. My aunt and uncle told me that the only way that I would be sent back is if I tried to come between their marriage. Thanks to them, I was able to rebuild my life, learn how to trust again, and slowly shed the walls I had built. They weren't perfect by any means, but they gave me what I needed. They believed in me when everyone else thought that I was a lost cause, and they are all amazed about how I have turned out.

    The reason why I am sharing this is because I read this story, in which a woman sent back an adoptive child because she couldn't handle the her. I cried from the flood of memories. I don't begrudge the woman for discovering that she didn't have the energy to adopt a child, although she should have known that adoptive children, especially older ones, are very needy and often problematic rather than grateful for a savior. However, I feel very much for the little girl, who obviously had attachment issues and was acting out pretty typically. I was her once. I'm grateful that I had someone had the time and energy to ensure security and unconditional love. It takes a lot of energy and very special people to adopt. As much as I wish that more people would adopt, I understand that not everybody can do it. I hate to think of what I might have become if I didn't have my aunt and uncle.

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    Veteran Member Ferret's Avatar
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    Default Re: This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

    You write with a wonderful clarity of mind. I see hard earned wisdom in you. There is sage advice embedded in the story and thanks for posting these details even tho each story highlights the all to common sad state of humanity.

    For some reason I have always found myself looking at your Egyptian board name, Hatshepsut, and then trying to unscramble it to a familiar name. I think I am finally satisfied to leave the name alone.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

    omg, i feel so badly for that little girl. especially after julie reassured her that that exact thing wouldn't happen. what she did just confirmed all those fears.

    i mean that's just pure torture.

    i'm not sure i could be an adoptive parent but if i did i always think about it from the viewpoint of "if something happened to me, i'd want someone to take care of my kids" and this is how i hope someone would take care of them.

    being a parent isn't easy and sometimes kids will act badly but it's up to the parent to persevere and show the child the way. we're the adult in that relationship, we must be stronger for them. we can't expect them to fulfill our expectations (of behaviour or whatever), we're there to fulfill their expectations!

    i do fault julie in that story. no matter what zahina did (from what i read) didn't approach a level where it warranted her being set back. disobedience isn't a valid excuse. frankly, it's an expectation of parenting imho!

    i'd like to see her reaction in a few years when her natural daughter acts the same way. what will she do then? put her biological daughter up for adoption? that would follow her thinking for zahina.

    i can't imagine the trauma zahina went thru.

    hat,
    i'm also sorry you had such a hard life too. but it's great that your aunt and uncle gave you a chance to grow up. it's extra special that you even realize it at an young age.

    good luck!

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

    Thanks for the support. It was hard and it was awkward, but I told my aunt and uncle about reading the story and my reaction. My aunt didn't quite get it, as she sees things in a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" perspective. However, my uncle told me that he genuinely appreciated the thanks.

    I feel kind of awkward about their position though. They really hit a nerve one year when my uncle insisted that I buy my aunt a Mother's Day Gift. I refused, as I have a mother (My parents and I get along now). A big fight ensued. We've never really touched the topic since, but I would like a way to show my appreciation once a year or so without involving Mother's Day or Father's Day.

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    Veteran Member SweetMelissa's Avatar
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    Default Re: This story makes me appreciate my aunt and uncle even more

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and posting the other story as well. Your story really touched my heart. I wish there were more people out there like your Aunt and Uncle. Bless their hearts and yours for being able to pull yourself through it all.

    Oh yeah, I feel your pain about your parents not being able to trust you with your siblings. Rumors spread like wildfire about my husband (boyfriend at the time) which caused my mom and her boyfriend to freak out. They told me to stop seeing him or move out of the house. I left because I knew the truth. They then told me they didn't want my man to come to the house at all-not even near it.

    I went to visit my younger sisters once and my younger sister even turned on me. I used to take my baby sister out on walks around the neighborhood, to the park, etc. but once the rumors started my mom told my younger sister to not let me out of the house with the baby. Losing trust like that so quickly over something so stupid hurt to high heaven. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

    Anyway, I'm glad you've had such a good outcome from everything you had to deal with. I don't know if I could have done the same thing.

    About showing your appreciation..I just found out that November is National Adoption Month. I'm trying to find if there is a specific day to celebrate you know how there is like "friendship day" and whatnot. If not, maybe you can choose a day yourself every November?

    *Edit-I just found the date. It's November 17th--National Adoption Day. Well, actually it's the Saturday before Thanksgiving every year. Here's a link I found:

    http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/2007/index.asp
    Last edited by SweetMelissa; 11-10-2007 at 02:49 AM. Reason: found the exact date

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