I've met some adults that are in dire need of a spanking.
I've met some adults that are in dire need of a spanking.
A lot of people are saying some very wise things here. And I am extremely impressed with the lack of flaminess.It's atually a great discussion. Yay us.
I don't plan to spank, mostly because I hope I don't need to. I know things may change. I know I may make exceptions, like once the Mastling is a split second from running into traffic and I need to make a serious impact to make sure it never happens again. And I agree that there is a difference between controlled spanking as discipline and doing so out of anger. I still just hope I can manage his/her behavior without doing something that falls under the category of violence, whether 'real' pain is involved or not. (I want to be clear that I respect other parents who choose to spank sparingly and responsibly - that's just how I feel about it.)
The thing that made the biggest impact on me was watching my dad & stepmom parent my half-brother, who was 17 years younger than me. (I had been spanked occasionally, sometimes calmly and a few times definitely in anger.) My bro was pretty precocious and energetic, and often got swatted for his antics. they started having problems with making the impact stick when his response started becoming "I hit YOU now, Mommy!" and swinging away at her. So what exactly were they teaching him?
The bigger problem, and I fel the REAL cause of his behavior, was the refrain I kept hearing every time I went over to their house: "Mark - NO. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO! NO! NO! (pause) *loonnnggg sigh* Fine." Anyone see the problem with that???
"Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins
"I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott




I don't think a light slap in a controlled manner is equal to whaling on them for a belt, for example. However, I'd question how many parents would be able to execute this "controlled" manner every time when their child upsets them/screws up. And that spanking is only way to deal with things. According to most child psychologists, it's really not. So you can choose to do this if it's legal where you are (aka not Sweden?) without repercussion but IMO it's not essential as people can and do raise their kids well sans spankage. The idea that some kids "need to be hit" is kind of a *scary* phrase in defense of this. Back away slowly...





Exactly.
This would be my guide for a proper spanking policy.
1. Use spanking in conjunction with other types of punishments. In fact, spanking should be seen a "super" punishment when time outs and other non-corporal methods aren't working.
2. If you're going to spank, make sure the results are effective by doing it sparingly. If you threaten to do it and don't follow through, the kid is going to interpret that as an empty threat. At the other extreme, if you spank them every time, they're going to become numb to it.
3. No foreign objects (belts, paddles, etc.) that can leave welts. Your hand make a plenty sufficient "rod". The point is inflict some minor pain, not injury.
4. Only spank on the butt. God put that extra cushioning and nerve endings back there for a reason. Hitting a kid anywhere else is abuse.
5. Don't spank impulsively, and for obvious reasons, don't do it in public. If the child misbehaves in public, save the spanking for when they get home. If anything, I think the message gets through to the kid better if you look composed while doing it.
6. Along with punishing a child when they misbehave, be sure to reward them when they do good.
For the record, I was spanked as a kid, but not so overly much, and if you want to conclude that the fear of it happening helped keep me under control, well so be it. I really can't conclude one way or another and just felt that my parents did what they had to with whatever behavior I gave them.
Also when I began kindergarten it was perfectly acceptable for teachers to spank their charges, and there were a few of my peers that had to make frequent trips to "the closet". Don't think that the rest of us didn't fear that it could happen to us. Somewhere around sixth grade, tolerance of corporal punishment by teachers became a no-no.
Former SCJ now in rehab.
May I ask how many who are for spanking as a disciplinary method are parents?
Yes! I totally see the problem with that. Ya know, wether it's a spanking, taking a toy away or sending to time out, whatever, if you say you are going to do it, then do it. Otherwise the little one knows they "might" be able to slip by and will try each time.
It seems to me, that if the act of spanking makes a big enough impact, really sets it home that the behaviour prior to being spanked should NOT be repeated, then spanking shouldn't happen all that much. IMO.
But when spanking is not effective and a parent jsut keeps on doing it, that's the parents giving up on finding another way to deal with the problem. A girl I know spanks her little girl ALL the time, not a swat either, 5 or 6 smacks on the butt, the little girl however laughs and runs off to do more bad deeds. So obviously, this is not effective and is teaching the little girl some pretty bad things.
Are you implying that people who aren't parents aren't allowed to support spanking in theory? I'm not pro-spanking, but I do have an opinion that I think is legit even if I'm technically not a parent YET, so I think the same should be true for those who have a different opinion than I.
We were all parented once, anyway, whether we are currently parents ourselves or not. That's a valid experience in re: this discussion, too.
"Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins
"I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott
Not implying anything honey, I am just wondering.
^^ Cool.Just checking.
:
"Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins
"I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott
I dont have kids. BUT...I am for spanking as a deterrant when the child is in the middle of doing something..but not as a punishment.
Just like Buffie....I owuld have MUCH preferred spanking to having my fav things taken away, sitting on a chair facing the wall for hours, being restricted to my room, etc.....any of the punishments my parents subjected me to. Spanking is quick...close your eyes, deal for a minute..all done. Learned? Nada.
SO when a child is about to touch a hot stove...yep...spank them. When a child is screaming for no reason just to get attention..yep spank them. Basically...I would use it more as a shock inducing atttention getter. As in...ok..now that I have your attention...you will stop RIGHT NOW or THIS will be your punishment*whatever fits the crime)
Its what I always did when training my dogs. Swat them when thy are caughht IN THE ACT....not afterwards. And the swat was just to get them to stop whatever they were doing...punishment was isolation or no treats or what have you.....
I see raising small children as being fairly similar to training a puppy(which I will likely get flamed for ....but if you think about it it is true...you cant reason with a pup any mor ethen with a 2 year old....you have to find other options)
Hope that made sense.
I found this article...
When my kids were little, I always spanked them when they misbehaved - I guess because that's the way I was raised. My oldest, now 16, just told me that my spankings used to give her nightmares. Now I'm having second thoughts about spanking. I certainly don't want to haunt my kids' dreams. Is there another way to discipline?
- Linda
It's good that you're being open-minded about your approach to discipline and that you're giving lots of thought to the effects of your choices and practices. Many parents settle on a discipline method just because it's how they were raised - and never give it another thought. So congratulations on being a thoughtful parent.
Spanking can be humiliating for children, can cause anger and resentment, and does not necessarily teach the lesson you're trying to convey. For these reasons, the American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend spanking. There are many other ways to discipline your child effectively, including using timeouts, modeling appropriate behavior for children, and helping children understand the connection between actions and consequences.
If you feel you need more guidance, contact a local child psychologist or counselor and ask to have a couple of sessions just to discuss and plan new discipline strategies. Chances are, you'll learn a lot, enjoy success with some new approaches, and feel better than ever about your parenting.
So what is the general opinion about spanking AFTER using alternative methods of discipline? For example, my kiddo get's warnings, then grounding, then items removed, etc.
How to Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking
Parenting is both a challenging and rewarding experience. As with any job, it requires a complete set of "tools" to be effective. Choosing not to spank your child can be especially difficult if you were raised otherwise (as most people were). Follow these steps to discover various techniques that you can use alone or combine in order to become a more effective parent.
Steps
1. Choose not to spank. This may seem obvious, but there is a world of difference between choosing to spank under certain circumstances and declaring to yourself and others that you will never spank your children.
2. Forgive yourself if you have spanked in the past. You can only rely on what you know. Now that you are learning a different technique, it is time to move forward instead of dwelling in the past.
3. Let your immediate family know about your decision. Apologize to your children if you feel the need.
4. Learn about childhood development (see links below). If you know what your child can feasibly understand at any given age, you will be better prepared to know when discipline is necessary and when it's best to just ignore certain behaviors.
5. Research the diverse techniques:
* Natural and Logical Consequences. The basic concept behind these twinned methods is to let nature run its course in most cases (natural consequences) or provide a logical consequence when there is no natural consequence (as in the case of sibling A breaking sibling B's toy when sibling B is far younger) or when the natural consequence can be too dangerous (such as the case of a child trying to run out in the middle of the road).
* Positive Discipline. A technique that sees misbehavior as an opportunity for teaching new behaviors. Also includes setting positive examples in the way you, the parent, act, and eliminating negative language (such as "don't do that" and changing it to "Why don't you do this instead).
* The Reward System. Intended as a supplement for other methods of discipline, the reward system focuses on ignoring any 'non-harmful' misbehaviors (such as when your child insists upon your immediate attention whenever you are on an important phone call) and going out of your way to praise positive behavior (for example, the child is cleaning his or her room without hardly getting nagged).
6. Combine the techniques as situations warrant. For example: You may "catch your child being good" (reward system) when he or she plays nicely with a sibling. Later that day, you could let him or her leave a toy out when you know it's going to rain (natural consequences). After the child has learned the toy is ruined, you could show him or her how you organize your things (positive discipline).
7. Keep at it. As with learning anything new, no-spank techniques can be difficult to master.
[edit] Tips
* If you are a parent who has previously spanked, you may notice a worsening of behavior before it gets better. This is normal as your children are simply testing whether or not you will spank them. When they realize you won't, their behavior will improve in about a week or so.
* Some examples of natural and logical consequences:
o Natural Consequence: If a child leaves his toy outside it will get lost or ruined.
o Logical Consequence: If a child A breaks child B's toy, then child B gets one of child A's toys.
o Natural Consequence: A child leaves his or her umbrella at school. The child will get wet the next time it rains.
o Logical Consequence: A child keeps running into the road. The child will not be allowed to play outside.
* Recognize that you will slip up. Forgive yourself and move on. Everyone has a bad day and no one is perfect.
* Children learn by parents' examples. If they do not get spanked by parents, the child will be less likely to hit when upset with their peers. A child will relate spanking to hitting.
* Spanking one sibling because they refuse to relinquish their toy to the other sibling can cause resentment between the two siblings. Teach them to take turns, but also understand and allow more time if the one still wants to play with it, by agreeing that they can wait a few minutes, and then it's the other's turn. You will find that they will gladly turn it over willingly by waiting a little bit longer.
[edit] Warnings
* Your spouse may think you're insane or completely disagree with you regarding your decision. If this is the case, say something along the lines of "Why don't we try it out for a month, just to see what happens?"
* Don't expect these techniques to work on their own. You need to be an active participant in your child's discipline. Sometimes this means getting off your tookus and turning off the TV if your child won't listen.
* Be wary of online discussion groups and forums as they easily turn into debate sessions.
HHL, great article. I do most of everything I read there.
This subject interests me so much because it is such a fine line. I wont spank my kiddo any more, not because I suddenly don't agree with an appropriate timed spanking, but because it wouldn't have much effect since he's so big and I would have to seriously hit him to make any sort of impact. And that is not how I want to go about it.
Now a days if I really want to punish him, I take away his GameBoy, or his TV or something of that nature. He'll cry for hours and you'de think he was dying!
So I guess what I'm saying in a long winded way, it's all relative to what will have the msot effect on your child and get the point you are trying to make accross. But I do not think that spanking, jsut to spank because you don't want to have to talk it out or force your kiddo to follow rules is a good thing.
Parenting is a huge challenge and as long as you do the best you can I applaud you. Challenges and situations will come up where a certain stress or parenting style will be questioned and that is ok. You, I are learning how to deal with an individual and protect, nourish and educate our children and do it with out pulling our hair out or cause damage in our children's life.
I grew up in a home, a few homes, where consistency was not applied so one person would say something and another would do another and I think that was the worst! I have found what works for my kids but I don not expect for each family have the same luck or the same parenting style.
Each child is different, each child learns differently and that is one of my concerns, if a person has more than one child and feels that one child will do bettr with spanking and the other no how does that come in to play as the perception of love for them and their sibling?
I think that a parent can still use a spanking and still ensure their child knows they love them. When I spanked my son I explained why he was getting a spanking, and reminded him that he had been told he would get a spanking for doing said action. Etc.
I think that the communication is important, especially when there are other kids in the house that are disciplined differently. I wsa spanked, my little siser. Not at all. But my mom figured out very quickly that she would have extreme reactions to spankings (she had little kid issues) so that wasn't an option for discipline at all. Me on the other hand, I tested the waters, ech and every time. Pushed the limits as far as they would go, so when I was warned that I would get a spanking, and pushed, then oh yes I got it.
But we both knew we were loved by our mom.
It is hard, raising a kiddo and making sure you don't screw up, or screw them up. You question each and every little decision wondering if it will be the right one now, and for down the road. But like you said, as long as you do your best, and with the best intentions of the kiddo in mind, then that's all you can do, right?
Definitely hon. Lets give each other a huge hug of support for doing the best that we can (((HUG))))
I am still curious about the handling it with multiple children, anyone know?









I think there are many levels of discipline, and you should be careful in choosing what method to use on any specific child. It needs to be taken into consideration the child's personality, previous methods of discipline, etc. Because sometimes getting spanked is what they need, and they'll stop acting up. Sometimes it will piss them off and give you a rebellious kid. It depends. I'm not against beating the crap out of my kids if they need it. My kids are going to be poilte and respectful to everyone!
See, ^That is where I think a parent should re-evaluate the effectiveness of spanking. If it has the opposite effect of what you were hoping, don't do it! Plus I think there is an age when child is too old to be spanked, and you can find another way.
Whoops, posted at the same time, I meant to arrow up to Brendita.![]()










I believe in spanking not beating my kid. Sometimes the yelling and timeouts don't do anything so she needs a little sting on the butt to get her in the right direction.




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