...when your life is just too fucked up to fix it?
...when your life is just too fucked up to fix it?
whats wrong yek?
NO. Never.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
-- George Eliot
"Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins
"I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott
Just pissed away the last ten years and now I'm overeducated, unemployable, broke, in debt, and see no idea what I can possibly do to get back on track. Can't afford to go back to school and my Master's is useless anyway, burnt out on stripping, can't afford to take a customer service job, not qualified to do anything I enjoy, no jobs in my field, etc. When I was 18, I was the intelligent go-getter that was going to be a huge success at whatever she set her mind to, and I fucked up every opportunity I ever had. I know we've all been through this before so I'm sorry for bringing it up again. I was just wondering if there's ever a point at which you just say no, you fucked it all up and there's no fixing it, so go be a waitress.
We are moving. We're going to Portland in January. We just spent the weekend there and I love Portland, but I'm looking at jobs and I'm scared I'm going to be just as broke and frustrated as I was in L.A.
My Master's degree is in film. I am an extremely talented filmmaker but I lack the Y chromosome and/or dick-sucking skills necessary to make a living in the film industry. Ideally I'd like to teach college, but I can't afford a PhD and don't want to stay in L.A. while I earn one (there are no PhD film programs available in Oregon), so I don't see that happening... and I honestly have no idea what the hell to do with this mess I've made of my life.
Yek, it's like you're speaking for both of us on this point.
I seriously hope that at the ages of 25 & 28, we are not to seriously fucked to turn things around......
I also feel completely unemployable. I have two unfinished colleged degrees, and no work experience other than stripping or bartending...
Lovely, hey?
^^^ You can afford to go back to school, at least!
I'm really dreading the visit home to Memphis for Xmas. I just know my whole family is deeply disappointed in me. Five years ago I was working on a Master's with highest honors, I was happily married to a guy who supported me and took care of me, I had health insurance and I was all set to be a raging success. Now I'm divorced, broke, completely unemployable, working in bars, moving out of L.A. and giving up on the only real dream I ever had. I would feel a lot better about it if I could tell them what I was going to do next, you know?
I feel like that at the moment. At least you are moving and have a Masters and thus have options I dont. I'm trapped right now with no money, no work and a crapload of bills I cant pay. And getting too old to do what I've been doing...
This is NOT where I thought I'd be at 34 years old.
What's done is done. You can't change what has already happened in the past so there's no point dwelling on it. All you can do is affect your future with the choices you make from this point forward. Keep looking ahead.
As you've said, there's a lack of film programs available in Oregon. I have a friend from Oregon studying at one of the universities up here for that very reason. There's obviously demand with no one filling the need down there. So why not start a program down there? You may not be able to teach college but how about high school? If they teach photography in school, I don't see why they shouldn't have one related to film. And even if it's not HS, I'm sure there are other post secondary institutions interested in hosting such a program.
* tip-toes out of this thread *





I wish to hell I'd never gotten that Master's. It has brought me nothing but heartache.Originally Posted by cameron_keys
I'd have to go back to school and get certified to teach high school, and I can't afford to pay for that. Wouldn't know how to go about starting such a program anyway. There's already the Northwest Film Center in Portland but they aren't hiring anyone but interns.Originally Posted by Bob_Loblaw
Yeah, I have to go home. My grandmother is dying of cancer and I promised her I'd be there for Xmas. She's really looking forward to it, so I can't reneg on that. Besides, my family doesn't give me crap, I can just see the disappointment in their eyes. And it hurts because I'm disappointed too, I really am. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.Originally Posted by hardkandee
I don't know why I can't just get a job and live a happy life like everyone else, be a receptionist or something. I don't know why customer service makes me suicidal. But I'm so scared I'm going to wind up like my father, 50 years old and still living with his parents because he's got more pride than personality. I know I need to just suck it up and get a job but I want to get out of debt and have a decent standard of living. And in this economy, well... *sigh*










Yek:
Is there a tougher time for taking one's personal inventory than the holidays? Thanksgiving can be sooo trying because after giving thanks for the people and things that bring satisfaction and joy, there is a natural tendency to contemplate the flip side. Then there's that 5-week slide into New Year's and the 2008 resolutions that mock the ones we made for 2007...
I think your family will be happy to see you for Xmas, particularly your Grandma, and it's joy you'll see shining in their eyes. You've already succeeded as that sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece that broke the mold. Ironically, success seems to magnify fear in Los Angeles ("more gained means more to lose," 'n' other such bullshit) At 28, you're by no means a failure and you're learning your craft by living it! The film industry is sooo rife with nepotism and bullshit that qualities like talent and independence are sometimes absurd afterthoughts.
IMO, 2008 must seem scary at this point, considering your pending move and the apparent shift in focus from filmmaking to education and/or...? It's always the 3 dots plus question mark that scare me!![]()
Many a successful artist rejuvenates their creative Muse away from marketplaces like L.A. Your "Ashland, OR" thread earlier this month seemed to embrace the sense of artistic community there that you've found lacking in Sloth Angeles. In Oregon, you may find time and peace to reflect on your experiences and then weave intangible depth and color into your work.
I see your current situation as a natural crossroads, an opportunity to take a deep breath and consider your past, present and future before plunging into uncharted waters. IMO, there's no balance without contrast, it's why Nature gave me mood swings...![]()
"Hope is patience with the lamp lit."
- Tertullian (Wise, old Roman dude)
Thanks, y'all. I just hate that I'm 28 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I made that decision when I was 11 and it was never a question before, so I never trained for anything else and now I have no idea what to do to pay my bills and get out of debt. I don't mind dancing part-time but I don't want to be dependent on it anymore. I need a fucking career. And I have no idea where to even start making that happen.
Never. There is a point where people give up or want to give up, but you just have to push through that and keep on moving forward. It's really tough to keep your spirits up, especially when it seems like you're only going backward, but it can be done. Keep your chin up! You're doing great!





28 is NOT too old to figure out what you want to do. I hijacked my own life at 28 to go back to school once I figured out what to do when I grew up. I'll be at least 33 before I'll be begging museums to let me prod their collections, like Oliver Twist.
Not that I recommend going back to school necessarily, but you realize you could do a non-film PhD-like maybe English, or writing? You've GOT some masters, you're halfway there. And I'm not sure anyone actually pays for their own PhD-everyone I know has handed over their soul as a TA for the duration of the program. It's all about assistantships. You've been rocking the Nanowrimo-teach those kids how to write!(maybe?)
It is hard, but I know you're talented. You may just need to be talented in a way you didn't think about yet. LA seems to have sucked the life out of you (and no doubt, lots of people)-don't keep feeding the beast if it makes you miserable. Away from LA, you can start to value yourself as someone who has a lot to contribute, even if it's not exactly where you wanted to do it.




You are only 28. You have plenty of time. Some background on me. I am 42 and quite successful. At the age of 35 I was broke and had no direction. I was not living in a cardboard box, but I was living hand to mouth.
The difference was some soul searching on my 35th birthday. I sat down and listed out my goals (many of the goals were not financial oriented). I then developed a plan to reach those goals. I Prioritized my life so that the steps to the goals were given the proper attention.
You have plenty of time. You just need to find a way to change your mindset. Don't think that everything is unattainable. If you want something then FIND A WAY to get it. Don't ever convince yourself that it is unreachable.
Take care and good luck.





^^ That's what I've been doing. Still working on the plan for a few of them, but it works!




Yes, it does work. The big key is the mindset though. Too many times people look at a goal and then decide that they can't reach it because of this reason or that reason. This is self-defeating.
All goals have obstacles. Don't focus on the the problem caused by the obstacle. Focus on finding a way to get over the obstacle.
I am not stating this in a manner that I have all the answers. It is more like I have all the experience (on both sides of the mindset). I still "shoot myself in the foot" from time to time. The difference now is that I learn from it and move on. Keeping focused on the goal.
The only goal I've ever had was to be a filmmaker. It's not paying my bills though and it's making me even more broke and in debt than I've ever been. So now I don't know what I want... I want a career that will leave me time to write, paint, etc. while still allowing me to pay my bills and pay down debts, and I want to get married, and I want a house of my own, and I want to adopt a child sometime in the next five years or so. I just don't know what to do to get that.




^^^
My degree was in economics. Now I work in IT. I did not go back to school for IT. I just made opportunities for myself (and took hits in my income) to get the experience.
Let me ask you this...if you are set on not being a filmaker, then what things do you love to do? What other passions do you have?
I am also thinking that maybe you should not give up on filmaking. What is the name of the filmaker of Dusk Till Dawn? Richard Rodriguez? Robert Rodriguez? I can't recall (I know one of those names is a serial killer, just can't remember which one...hehehe). Anyway, he made his first movie with money he raised through vounteering for medical experiments. Not telling you to do that, but he found a way.
I just took one of those quizzes that matches you with your ideal career. My results: Artist, Novelist, Professor, Photographer. Well, awesome. I'm already an artist, novelist, and photographer by hobby but you tell me how to make a fucking living at it. Apparently I'm just fated to be unemployed.
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