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Thread: Stuck in the middle.

  1. #1
    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Stuck in the middle.

    K, this is long, and dramatic, so if you're not in the mood stop reading here.


    My neighbors, and very very good friends are having some problems. Major problems. The wife, L, came over last night and told me that she's leaving her husband and taking the kids with her. She feels neglected, disrespected and emotionally hurt by her husband. To top it off, her in laws have been staying with them since OCt and treat her very very badly. The husband apparently doesn't do much to stop this.

    So I find this out last night.

    The husband, P, calls me today and says "L asked me to meet her at Denny's, so we could have a talk. I think she's going to leave me. She's been distant and ignoring me and acting pissed off for months. I know you two talked last night. What did she say? What do I need to prepare for? Help me so I can fix this, or I think I'm going to lose her."

    UGH! So they both confide in me, they both have issues, and I love them both. I don't want to see them break up, and there are kids involved as well. This sucks!

    So I told P, "She feels hurt, neglected and disrespected. She's really really upset."
    I didn't tell him that she plans on leaving him...I didn't know what to say about that. And I think deep down I'm hoping she'll change her mind.

    These two people and their kids are like family to me, the kids even call me "aunt", and I hear both sides of the story, and I feel so stuck in the middle! It hurts! Obviously not as much as they are hurting....but that makes it even worse because my friends are in pain and I don't know what to do for either of them without betraying the trust of the other.

    The logical thing to do would be to back away from the problem and not get involved....but it's so hard to sit and watch people you care about go through this and not be there for them to talk to if they need it.

    Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you handle it? I'm also worried that when (if) they do break up, then I will lose one as a friend. I feel selfish even worrying about that though.

    Damn this sucks! And just before the holidays too!




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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    I think you are doing the right thing. Just be a good friend by listening to the both of them. If they ask something about what the other said to you don't convey anything that makes you uncomfortable. I would tell them I don't mind listening but I don't want make things worse by divulging information that a friend entrusted in me. And that you consider them both to be friends and would prefer to keep it as such.

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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    When my best friend and his wife decided to split, they both told me what was goin on in their lives. I simply sat back and kept quiet, figuring they were just sounding off. Yeah they weren't and my best friend got pissed at me cuz I didn't warn him about the divorce.
    I explained my situation(beiing friends with both of them and not wanting to be involved at all) and it took a while but we worked it out.
    Now neither of us talk to his ex.

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    Veteran Member beautiful.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    This is a tricky one, but I think you did the right thing by not telling him that she plans on leaving him. Just continue to be a friend to both of them and allowing them to confide in you, but I honestly wouldn't tell one what the other person said. Kind of like pretending that they are 2 friends that don't know each other but are going through the same thing if that makes any sense?

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    Featured Member Christany's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    This could really go in either of 2 ways.
    1. They utilize your information to make changes, and actually work on "fix"ing the problems as stated.
    or
    2. Use your information to "prepare," as in looking out for number one, prepping for a divorce, gathering info to secure their case. Basically putting you in the middle and placing unecessary stress on you.

    Quote Originally Posted by ExoticEngineer View Post
    So I told P, "She feels hurt, neglected and disrespected. She's really really upset."
    I really think this is the best possible thing to say. Because I've never met the guy so I can't tell if he's fishing for information or if he really is clueless and needs a blatant hint. I would just hate to see you caught in the middle of a manipulative he said/she said game because of your connections to both. You can still be a supportive friend while still being neutral.

    ETA: You also mentioned that he's been picking up on these signs for a couple months now. He should already have a clue as to something not being right. So yeah, I would be wary of him asking questions which relate more to the possible effects. Now if you do engage in conversation with him, maybe try to turn his questions into questions for him. Ask him how or what he thinks about his treatment of her, etc... If he tries to avoid this (answering and verbalizing himself) and shows more interest in pumping you, then you'll know to steer clear.
    Quote Originally Posted by markx View Post
    I'd have to have a "4 simease twin strippers gave me head and then lite themselves on fire" story to blow anybody's mind here.

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    Featured Member MinahSky's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    I would tell him the truth so he can have the opportunity save their marraige. Either he will do what he has to or he won't. Doing that can help both of them. NOT telling could hurt both of them. They are at the tipping point. Don't push them over when you hold the information that could pull them back from the edge.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Do unto others as you would have them do to you...it's less work to be nice than it is to be evil!

    "Miss ChiChi, if you was my girl you would never cry from anything...except maybe happiness."

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    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    Well, she left him. He met with her at Denny's she said "I'm not coming home." and turned and left.

    So he came straight here. We didn't really talk much though. I just hugged him and told him I thought they needed to talk to each other.
    He DID tell the parents they needed to go though. Said that his marriage was failing and them being there wasn't going to help it. So hopefully she will come back once they leave and maybe they can talk things out.

    Ugh...seriously sucks balls. You all are right though, just being there and letting them talk seems to be what I should do. I'm not a marriage counselor, or even close. I actually told him that I didn't want to say anything because I'm afraid I'll make things worse but that I know for a fact that not communicating with each other is a bad thing. The only other information I gave him was that she hasn't told him exactly what's bothering her and he needs to dig that out.

    So we'll see. Thanks for letting me talk about it here. I guess that's all I have to say about it, what's done is done.




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    Senior Member GentlemanX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck in the middle.

    Trying to make some sense of it all
    but I can see that it makes no sense at all.
    Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
    I don’t think that I can take anymore.

    Clowns to the left of me!
    Jokers to the right!
    Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

    Stuck in the middle
    Stuck in the middle

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