i'm taking two weeks off, starting next week. i wish i could afford to take more time off, but since i've been running on empty for so long, i'm gonna be struggling to get by for the two weeks as it is.
my confidence (not that there's much of it at the best of times) is absolutely shot to pieces at the moment. my earnings have dwindled to an absolutely pathetic amount because i have become so down on myself and so exhausted that i am completely incapable of asking a customer for a dance. i think it's been about 5 weeks since i've approached a customer that didn't specifically wave me over first. even with the ones that do wave me over, i can't even bring myself to say, "would you like a dance with me". i just wait til they ask, and if they don't, i'll excuse myself and walk away. i feel so fat and ugly compared to all of the amazingly beautiful and slim girls i work with, i feel uncomfortable in all my work clothes, i can't seem to get my hair and makeup right anymore, and my stage performances have become lacklustre and boring.
burn outs fucking suck. i'm really hoping that two weeks will be long enough for me to get myself back on track. i'm going to try to hit the gym every day, and if i can afford it, get my hair coloured. i need to do something, because if i continue working in this manner, i'm going to end up institutionalized.
guess i just needed to get this off my chest.


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thank you


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