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Thread: I've Got Jokes

  1. #1
    God/dess Taylorlila's Avatar
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    Default I've Got Jokes

    Last night was really slow, so slow that I sat with 2 customers and another dancers telling jokes. Here are 2 that I thought were cute that she told.

    ~A man walks into a bar. dun dun. He's from out of town. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'm not from around here, where can I go to have some fun?" The bartender points to the woman at the end of the bar. She is very obviously a hooker. So he walks over to her and says,
    "I'm looking to have some fun, how much will that cost me?"
    "Well I'll give you a handjob for $100."
    "$100?! For a handjob? Thats pretty steep!" She takes the man over to the window and points to a bright red Ferrari and says,
    "My hand jobs bought that Ferrari." So he goes for it. It's the best handjob he's ever had in his whole life! So the next day he returns and asks how much for a blow job. She tells him it will be $500.
    "$500 for a blowjob? Are you kidding me?" So she takes him to the window again, and points to this big mansion across the street.
    "My blowjobs bought that mansion." So he goes for it. It's the best head he's ever gotten.
    The next day he decides he wants to fuck her. So he goes back and asks her how much. She takes him to the window again, points to the big city in the distance, big high rises, lights everywhere and says,
    "If I had a vagina, I'd own that city."

    and

    ~A midget goes to a brothel. Asks the madame about getting a girl for an hour. She gets all the girls together and they all start snickering at him. Saying they don't want to because it will just suck for them. They want to have a little fun too. So the midget says
    "Let me show you something 1st!" And pulls down his pants. Down the length of his penis he has a tattoo that says "shorty".
    All the girls start laughing, one says "Shorty! Yeah its short allright, not even 2 inches!"
    Well one girl feels so bad for him, she agrees to do it. After the hour she comes downstairs, her hairs a mess, shes sweaty, out of breath. One of the girls asks what happened. She replies,
    "When it got hard the tattoo said "Shortys Mexican Restraunt Albequerqe New Mexico Established Septemper 2nd 1982."

    lolz.

    Any good jokes to share?


    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite View Post
    Boner Man, Boner Man,
    Here comes Sweatpant Boner Man,
    Getting some love the only way he can -
    Boner Man.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    Why didn't the pirate let his son see the movie??







    Because it was rated Arrrrrrrrrr!

    I loooove cheesy jokes!

  3. #3
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taylorlila View Post
    Last night was really slow, so slow that I sat with 2 customers and another dancers telling jokes. Here are 2 that I thought were cute that she told.

    ~A man walks into a bar. dun dun. He's from out of town. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'm not from around here, where can I go to have some fun?" The bartender points to the woman at the end of the bar. She is very obviously a hooker. So he walks over to her and says,
    "I'm looking to have some fun, how much will that cost me?"
    "Well I'll give you a handjob for $100."
    "$100?! For a handjob? Thats pretty steep!" She takes the man over to the window and points to a bright red Ferrari and says,
    "My hand jobs bought that Ferrari." So he goes for it. It's the best handjob he's ever had in his whole life! So the next day he returns and asks how much for a blow job. She tells him it will be $500.
    "$500 for a blowjob? Are you kidding me?" So she takes him to the window again, and points to this big mansion across the street.
    "My blowjobs bought that mansion." So he goes for it. It's the best head he's ever gotten.
    The next day he decides he wants to fuck her. So he goes back and asks her how much. She takes him to the window again, points to the big city in the distance, big high rises, lights everywhere and says,
    "If I had a vagina, I'd own that city."

    and

    ~A midget goes to a brothel. Asks the madame about getting a girl for an hour. She gets all the girls together and they all start snickering at him. Saying they don't want to because it will just suck for them. They want to have a little fun too. So the midget says
    "Let me show you something 1st!" And pulls down his pants. Down the length of his penis he has a tattoo that says "shorty".
    All the girls start laughing, one says "Shorty! Yeah its short allright, not even 2 inches!"
    Well one girl feels so bad for him, she agrees to do it. After the hour she comes downstairs, her hairs a mess, shes sweaty, out of breath. One of the girls asks what happened. She replies,
    "When it got hard the tattoo said "Shortys Mexican Restraunt Albequerqe New Mexico Established Septemper 2nd 1982."

    lolz.

    Any good jokes to share?


    To funny!

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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    it is 1990 and Saddam Hussein is touring the Saudi Arabian and Iraq border. From the Saudi side of the border Saddam hears this loud "YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" and sees an American Special Forces soldier; swinging his green beret in circles over his head and shaking his cock at the Iraqi troops. Well Saddam can't be disrespected! Saddam turns to one of his Colonels " Send some Troops and bring me that American." The Colonel does what he is told and sends a squad of ten men. Seeing the Iraqi troops coming the SF trooper jumps back down behind the sand berm. The Iraqi troops rush over the berm and there is lots of shooting and explosions. Then quiet descends. Nothing happens for ten minutes, and then the SF troopers jumps back up on the berm, cock in hand, and screams out "WhooooooooooHooooooooooooooooooo!" Saddam looks pissed, the colonel fears for his own life and sends a a Platoon of 40 Iraqi soldiers to get this damn American. The SF trooper sees this platoon of Iraqi soldiers coming and jumps back down behind the sand berm. The 40 Iraqi troops rush over the berm and again there is lots of shooting, grenade explosions, and tracers arc up into the sky. Then it all stops and nothing, Saddam smiles, the American will soon be his. the Colonel sighs believeing his life is spared. Then "YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" The Green Beret is on top of the berma again shaking his cock at Saddam Hussein and the Iraqi Army!

    Saddam cannot be disrespected and shoots the incompetent Colonel; then turns to the second in command and roars " You are the Colonel now, bring me that American!" This new Colonel seeing what just happened to his predecessor is not willing to take a chance........ No sir, no how. The new Colonel sends the whole of the battalion! Three hundred men in a company and and three companies in a Battalion. 900 Iraqi Soldiers race across the parched desert soil and cross the sand berm chasing the American Special Forces soldier who has again jumped down behind the sand berm. The explosion are tremendous! The volume of fire is a continous roar from hundreds of AK-47s and many machine guns. Mortars are added with the wump , wump, wump as those shells explode on the other side of the sand berm. Then silence of the desert decends again, the only sound is the eternal wind and the shifting sand...............

    Then from acroos the sand berm comes one Iraqi soldier; dirty, disheveled, dragging a wounded leg and his AK-47 behid him. the new colonel steps forward to receive this Iraqi soldiers report. The Iraqi soldier pulls himself up straight and reports to his colonel "Sir! We were unable to capture the American Green Beret, It was and ambush! Our forces were over run and destroyed! There is in fact two Green Berets over there".

  5. #5
    High_Heel_Lover
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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    hahahaha!

  6. #6
    Veteran Member Ferret's Avatar
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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    A strikingly beautiful woman boards a plain and sits next to a rather plain looking fellow. As she stretched to place her carry-on luggage in the upper compartment he noticed the promising curves under her outfit. His imagination was ignited. She sits down calmly as he immediately starts a conversation.

    "Umm ... hello? arrgghhh ummm, Who are you and what are you doing" She looks knowingly at him and gives a smile whcih absolutely freezes him in his tracks! DESIRE!

    She explained "My name is Sylph and I am doing research on sex, and desire, and men. I have discovered that those men with the most incredible girth are the native americans. Not many people know this fact. And that the Scots are, surprisingly, the best all-round lovers. Ahhh, but the ones with the most potential is the new southern gentleman. By the way? what is your name?"

    The fellow smiled and said. "My name is Tonto, Tonto McRae ...but you can call me Bubba."

  7. #7
    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taylorlila View Post
    "If I had a vagina, I'd own that city."

    Any good jokes to share?
    You made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants.


    My favorite joke is very long but its so fun to tell in a strip club... its called 'voodoo dildo'

    There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
    trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
    get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
    much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store
    that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
    life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was
    browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and
    started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
    situation.

    The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
    trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
    know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and
    he stopped.

    "Except what?" the man asked.

    "Nothing, nothing."

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

    "Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."

    "So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

    The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box
    carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very
    ordinary-looking dildo.

    The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
    other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed
    to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of
    its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
    whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
    middle.

    Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your
    box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there
    quietly once more.

    "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
    to $700 in cash.

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
    to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

    He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought
    of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
    the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The
    voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
    nothing she'd ever experienced before.

    After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out,
    but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
    out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
    it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

    She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
    quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
    made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
    asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
    and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a
    voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo
    dick my ass!"

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    Default Re: I've Got Jokes

    A newlywed couple has just finished having wild marriage-consummating sex in their fancy hotel room and they lay next to each other, breathless and happy. They lay in silence for a moment before the bride's stomach rumbles. She pats her tummy and mumbles "I'm hungry."

    Her now-husband, trying to live up to the knight in shining armor ideal, jumps up and says he will go fetch her something to eat and drink. He fumbles around, looking for his clothing, but cannot seem to find them. He notes it is four in the morning, and any sane person is asleep by now, so he will just jaunt down to the vending machines in the buff. He grabs some quarters and he runs down the stairs.

    Upon getting a bag of chips and a pop for his beloved, he goes towards the stairs when three nuns round the corner. This man, a lapsed Catholic but Catholic nonetheless, panics and jumps between the two vending machines, hoping to avoid being seen. To his horror, the nuns stop right in front of him and look directly at him.

    It is then he notes all three are wearing very thick glasses, yet are still squinting. They cannot see very well, and he relaxes, hoping they move on.

    One of the nun remarks she is hungry.

    She pulls out two quarters, approaches the man, pops them into his mouth, grabs his dick, and tugs. He drops the chips in surprise.

    "Oh, I got a bag of chips!"

    The second nun steps up, pops two quarters in his mouth, grabs his dick, and tugs. He drops the pop.

    "I got a can of pop!"

    He's panicking now, as he has nothing else to drop and the third nun is approaching him.

    She pops the quarters in his mouth, grabs his dick, and tugs.

    "Oh, I got hand lotion!"

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