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Thread: I want my sexuality back.

  1. #1
    Yekhefah
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    I want my sexuality back.

    I know it's just burnout from a really bad month, but I can't wait to take awhile to do something else - almost anything else. I want to be beautiful for K and myself and just enjoy it. I want to pole dance at home for fun, and try new tricks without caring whether they leave bruises or look sexy. I want to grow a bush for a little while because I can. I want to feel like I'm attractive without ten pounds of eyeshadow and fake lashes. I want to relax and enjoy just being caressed without getting the urge to smack people. Lately I feel like my grasp on my own sexuality has been slipping away from me, and I want it back. Is there a way to reconnect without taking time off work?

  2. #2
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I find a really good massage helps. Someone tending to your body..making you feel wonderful in a non-sexual way somehow helps me. Plus ..added goodness of having silky soft skin(because of the massage oils)and unknotted muscles making me feel like goddess!

  3. #3
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I know exactly what's causing it. I'm not making money in L.A. and all last week it was a week of "Do you date? Oh, nevermind." I did ONE lapdance in three days and it was a three-for-one special. I'm tired of putting all this effort into my appearance and taking my clothes off for men who just sit there looking bored because I'm not rubbing my vagina against their noses, and who don't see the point in paying me for a lapdance when they can just take my show for free.

    I'm feeling really exploited right now and I'm getting phone calls from creditors, and suddenly I feel like my sexuality doesn't belong to me, it belongs to illiterate greasy men and Bank of America. It's demoralizing and the situation is having a snowball effect. I've only got two more weeks here but I don't know how I'm going to get through it. And I damn sure can't afford a massage, much as I would love one... and I don't want anyone touching me right now anyway.

  4. #4
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. Its the same here in FL. No money...its almost to the point where I feel like going to work with a plain face and my hair in a bun because why waste an hour or more getting ready if nobody cares anyway??

    I am pretty sure there is a Massage Envy somewhere close to you..I belong to it. If you want..we can go get massages when I am out there one day. On me. Since I"m a member..mine is free anyway and I can get you in as a guest for $39. Once I do a shoot or two I'll be able to afford it...lol!

  5. #5
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I was going to take you to the Korean spa. $15 to get in and you can spend the whole day. Massages are extra but not much. I could really use a spa day. But right now I can't even afford Rice A Roni so I don't have $15 for the spa. I've fallen on hard times before but this month has been bad.

    I think I'd be better if I were more confident, but my confidence has really suffered a beating. I just want it back!

  6. #6
    God/dess Miss Jessica's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Woah, my gosh that's horrible. My heart goes out to you for having to feel this way. I know one too many dancers here in SF feeling the same way right now, and they've felt that way since Summer. (it's almost like there's a depression out there, it's weird) I really have no good advice to give you, I myself had to quit dancing. At least for the time being.
    Last edited by Miss Jessica; 12-04-2007 at 03:53 PM. Reason: typos
    "We all must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. In order to achieve what others don't, you have to do what others won't."


  7. #7
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    I was going to take you to the Korean spa. $15 to get in and you can spend the whole day. Massages are extra but not much. I could really use a spa day. But right now I can't even afford Rice A Roni so I don't have $15 for the spa. I've fallen on hard times before but this month has been bad.

    I think I'd be better if I were more confident, but my confidence has really suffered a beating. I just want it back!

    Ok that settles it. We are definately going to get massages one day.

    And I will buy you Rice a Roni.

  8. #8
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    LOL... hopefully by next week I'll have some veggies to cook you or something!

  9. #9
    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Awe Yek Yes, I totally relate to this feeling. It comes and goes with me...right now I'm wishing it would go.

    We stopped swinging even because where it used to be fun for me, it turned into me feeling anger towards the other guys (parts of a couple) that wanted to talk to me. Just TALK!

    I don't know how to fix it Yek, I wish I did.




  10. #10
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Don't worry, you'll be back to your little nympho ways soon!!! LA is sucking major balls right now, and everyone is struggling. Did you get your Lush yet? Maybe you can plan a Yek custom in home spa day?! Pop on something that makes your smile. =)

  11. #11
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    No, I didn't get the Lush yet. I dunno, it's gotten to where I'm dreading K coming home because I just don't want anyone to touch me or look at me. I'm about to start my period, so that probably has something to do with it too... But everyone who looks at me, I want to slap him, and everyone who doesn't makes me want to cry. I went to three clubs today looking for work and I was actually relieved when none of them gave me an audition even though I really need the money. I just don't want to take my jeans off. I'm so defensive.

    It helps to know at least I'm not weird. Thanks for that.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    No, I didn't get the Lush yet. I dunno, it's gotten to where I'm dreading K coming home because I just don't want anyone to touch me or look at me. I'm about to start my period, so that probably has something to do with it too... But everyone who looks at me, I want to slap him, and everyone who doesn't makes me want to cry. I went to three clubs today looking for work and I was actually relieved when none of them gave me an audition even though I really need the money. I just don't want to take my jeans off. I'm so defensive.

    It helps to know at least I'm not weird. Thanks for that.
    You're not weird at all, you're just dealing with a very difficult situation. Remember how you felt when you went to Portland and knew that place would be home soon? It's not that far away. You're finishing up a cycle that wasn't pleasant for you, but it is almost over.

    As far as your landlord goes, do you have a copy of your lease? Were you on a month-to-month agreement? What were the terms of your original deposit? Hopefully there was some sort of a mixup and you won't have to shell out all of that cash.

    Good luck and i'm sending positive vibes your way!

  13. #13
    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    No, I didn't get the Lush yet. I dunno, it's gotten to where I'm dreading K coming home because I just don't want anyone to touch me or look at me. I'm about to start my period, so that probably has something to do with it too... But everyone who looks at me, I want to slap him, and everyone who doesn't makes me want to cry. I went to three clubs today looking for work and I was actually relieved when none of them gave me an audition even though I really need the money. I just don't want to take my jeans off. I'm so defensive.

    It helps to know at least I'm not weird. Thanks for that.
    K, that really sounds like PMS hun. And make sure you tell K what's going on with you. It's important he knows that it's not totally him and also so he can help you out a bit.




  14. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    The rent situation is being dealt with away from me. I'm not stressed about that, it's just all my other bills. I have $40 cash and $4.75 in the bank, not much food, my car is way overdue for an oil change, and I need to make $3000 by the end of the month (most of it by the 20th). It is not happening as a clean stripper, which is making me consider prostitution, which is making me defensive.

    K's been awesome. He's still in Oregon so fortunately he doesn't have to deal with my physical issues at the moment. Hopefully they'll clear up before he gets back.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    The rent situation is being dealt with away from me. I'm not stressed about that, it's just all my other bills. I have $40 cash and $4.75 in the bank, not much food, my car is way overdue for an oil change, and I need to make $3000 by the end of the month (most of it by the 20th). It is not happening as a clean stripper, which is making me consider prostitution, which is making me defensive.
    You can do it, Yek! It's only the 4th and people are recovering from paying their rent and other 1st of the month necessities. Holiday bonuses are on their way, and you know it only takes one custie to make your night/month!!

    Do you like to run or do any other physical workouts? Sweat some of that anxious energy off!

  16. #16
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    If I had a club! I have no club. I stormed out of the last one on Saturday night because I'm tired of hustling nothing but three-for-one specials and hearing that I'm not worth $10 for a fully-nude lapdance, while chicks who are 100 pounds overweight spend the whole night in VIP working out their forearms and jaw muscles. I tried some better clubs today but got "it's so slow, we're not hiring." The audition process and club-hunting are more difficult for me emotionally than actually working. I'll get back out there again tomorrow but fuck it's so stressful and I just want to keep my jeans and motorcycle boots on and throw my makeup bag in a drawer where I don't have to look at it.

    I just want to be a hairy dyke for awhile and say the hell with what any man thinks about it, you know?

  17. #17
    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Yek what clubs have you been trying? Which ones have you worked at? u can PM it to me if you dont wanna put it in a thread.




  18. #18
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I don't want this to turn into another L.A. club thread. I just wondered if anyone else knew this feeling and it sounds like some people do. I feel a little better for knowing I'm not alone, at least.

  19. #19
    God/dess Miss Jessica's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahSynn View Post
    Don't worry, you'll be back to your little nympho ways soon!!! LA is sucking major balls right now, and everyone is struggling. Did you get your Lush yet? Maybe you can plan a Yek custom in home spa day?! Pop on something that makes your smile. =)
    It's all of Cali right now. Fuck California, this is where it is ($$$) NOT at right now.
    "We all must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. In order to achieve what others don't, you have to do what others won't."


  20. #20
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I find that watching movies or reading books that are romantic/erotic help me to connect with my sexulity.

  21. #21
    Veteran Member beautiful.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    I get to going to fast in my daily life with everything going on that I generally never have shaved and lotioned legs, nail polish on that isn't chipped, cute hair, good makeup, un-crusty feet and super clear and smooth skin at the same time. I'm planning to do a home spa day on Thursday for myself with things I already have. Why not try something like that? I always feel much sexier! I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there

  22. #22
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Thing is, I don't WANT to be painted and shaved and on display right now. I want to grow hairy pits and a bush, I want to hide my makeup bag, and I want to go hang out with my own friends in a bar I actually like with no makeup on, short unpainted nails, the aforementioned hair, jeans, a belt, and motorcycle boots. And my leather jacket. I'm in the mood for my Dyke Drag right now and I want to go out dressed that way and not give a fuck whether some man thinks I look good. I'm tired of being sexy for other people. I want to just be me and keep it all to myself for a few weeks.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Thing is, I don't WANT to be painted and shaved and on display right now. I want to grow hairy pits and a bush, I want to hide my makeup bag, and I want to go hang out with my own friends in a bar I actually like with no makeup on, short unpainted nails, the aforementioned hair, jeans, a belt, and motorcycle boots. And my leather jacket. I'm in the mood for my Dyke Drag right now and I want to go out dressed that way and not give a fuck whether some man thinks I look good. I'm tired of being sexy for other people. I want to just be me and keep it all to myself for a few weeks.
    Grab yourself some pants with an elastic waist, a hoodie, and put that hair up in a ponytail stat!

  24. #24
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    Well...you said the 100 pound overweight girls are cashing in at that one club...hmmmm...no makeup, bush,hairy legs....cant be any worse right?
    Might be worth a shot just for the experiment of it...you arent working anywhere else anyway right this second right?

    Wouldnt it be funny if you went in there looking like hell(well..as much as you CAN look like hell which is still pretty hot) and banked!!!??!!

  25. #25
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I want my sexuality back.

    LOL, yeah, if I still worked there. I quit on Saturday night though and I really don't want to go back. I don't see the point in working in a club where the dances are already discounted and then there's nothing but three-for-one specials. I think it's the stress of auditioning today that's got me feeling like this... I'm putting all this effort into my appearance for people who don't appreciate it or even care, and I feel like a discarded whore. In my body hair and boots and jeans, I feel strong and sexy in a way that *I* like. I'm sick of feeling all girly and vulnerable and oh-please-sir-please-let-me-jerk-you-off-so-I-can-pay-my-rent. I want my big ass motorcycle boots on and I want to kick in the testicles of any man who doesn't think I'm pretty enough the way I am.

    I guess my inner Angry Lesbian just popped her head out to say hello today, LOL!

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