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Thread: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

  1. #1
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    So. My lover from last summer just called to tell me that her husband died.

    Should I go down there to be there for her? Or would it just be innapropriate and weird to have a summer lover around when your husband just died? He was "okay" with it, but also at least a little jealous. Also, I think at least one of her sons might have known and not been happy about it (there's 4 or 5?) and I don't want to cause them any extra upset-ness or add to any of the general chaos.

    I also know that she doesn't have much of a support system down there and isn't very good at dealing with her emotions or taking care of herself. OTOH she has a tendency to get way more attatched to me than I want, so maybe I should just avoid that.

    What do you guys think? If your husband dropped dead, would you want your summer fling to be there or to send flowers?



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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Not to make light of a grave situation, but if my summer fling was YOU, I'd want you around, like, all the time.

    Seriously though... why don't you ask her? In any extramarital affair, and in any death, there are so many possible emotions involved. Combine the two, and it's pretty much beyond my understanding. I would tell her exactly what you just wrote. That you want to support her in any way you can, but you don't want to overstep your boundaries by coming in person if doing so is inappropriate. However, if you feel as though you cannot get a reliable answer from her due to her grief/ tendency to not take care of herself, then I think you should just send flowers for now and contact her after the funeral, or in another week or 10 days, and offer your company again.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

  3. #3
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Flowers with a note that says if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
    It sounds like your giong might possibly cause some uneasiness, and that's the last thing you'd want.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    That's impossible to say. I think you should just ask her if she would like you to come down.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  5. #5
    Pamela
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaylinn View Post
    Flowers with a note that says if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
    It sounds like your giong might possibly cause some uneasiness, and that's the last thing you'd want.
    Like Jenny says i agree. But i would at least send flowers and a card asking if she would need anything. It really shows you care.

  6. #6
    Pamela
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaylinn View Post
    Flowers with a note that says if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
    It sounds like your giong might possibly cause some uneasiness, and that's the last thing you'd want.
    Like Jenny says, i agree. But i would at least send flowers and a card asking if she would need anything. It really shows you care.

    Sorry Kaylinn i quoted you, and said the same thing because i read it...dah.
    Last edited by Pamela; 12-08-2007 at 08:06 PM. Reason: Being stupid

  7. #7
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    I agree that you should ask her what she would like you to do.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    She's not really forthcoming with what she wants...



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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Oh, my god, D died? What happened? I think you should go. You know she is not going to be as transparent as to actually say what she needs or wants, but I think that as a friend you should be there. Regardless of what she says I know that she would appreciate the support.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lena View Post
    OTOH she has a tendency to get way more attatched to me than I want, so maybe I should just avoid that.
    Yeah - the time for that would have been over the summer. I think she knows you're not going to ever be a permanent fixture by now. I wouldn't stay away because of this.

  10. #10
    Alaska
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    I....think I'd leave her alone and not make her get doublecrossed emotions at this painful time, unless she asked. A letter with the appropriate sentiments and the "if there's anything I can do, even a visit, please let me know" would prompt her should she want that.

    What if it turns bad and she later regrets it and resents you? She's not herself right now.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: question about death/appropriatness/should I go?

    Quote Originally Posted by Susan Wayward View Post
    I think you should go. You know she is not going to be as transparent as to actually say what she needs or wants, but I think that as a friend you should be there. Regardless of what she says I know that she would appreciate the support.
    Quote Originally Posted by Alaska View Post
    I....think I'd leave her alone and not make her get doublecrossed emotions at this painful time, unless she asked.
    This totally sums up my thought process.

    I think I'll go.

    Susan, I'm emailing you... sorry I didn't tell you.



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