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Thread: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

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    Banned gingerlee's Avatar
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    Default My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Ok, first off, we did NOT split up on good terms. Like, me throwing his clothes in the front yard and lighting them on fire bad terms. Feel me? Well I haven't seen him in 4 years, and for 3 1/2 of those years I was searching for him to divorce his ass.

    I was doing a club booking in CT this weekend and he came to my club. It was weird because I wasn't mad anymore, all the things that hurt me so bad a few years ago still hurt, but I'm not as bitter anymore. We talked like friends, and actually got along, like we did when we were kids (we've known each other since I was 12).

    Don't get me wrong, I love my current SO and would never want to hurt him, he's my rock. I'm just wondering if it really is possible to forgive somebody that I was SO sure that I would always hate enough to be...friends? Nothing more. Have I changed so much since I was a really angry 18 year old that thought she knew everything and there was no way in hell I would ever be able to even say his name without wanting to cry and throw things?

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Time heals. Whenever you're in the middle of 'the end of an era' so to speak, when you've been hurt so badly, it can feel like you'll never recover. But you will. Especially when you find someone else to remind you of your worth. When someone hurts you and a relationship ends, a lot happens in your heart. Not only may you feel disappointment in the hurt they caused you, but you may also feel (without realizing you feel this way) like there's something wrong with you that caused someone you care about to treat you badly.
    I definitely think it's possible to forgive ANYTHING. But, at least for me, it's impossible to forget.

    ETA: Although I think it is possible to forgive anything, I don't think forgiveness always happens.
    Last edited by PrettyCurlieQ; 12-16-2007 at 02:52 PM.

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    I'm just wondering if it really is possible to forgive somebody that I was SO sure that I would always hate enough to be...friends? Nothing more. Have I changed so much since I was a really angry 18 year old that thought she knew everything and there was no way in hell I would ever be able to even say his name without wanting to cry and throw things?
    as somebody that has been divorced for more than ten years, yes it's certainly possible to let the anger and bile subside. But as to forgiveness, while I can remain in the same room with my ex if I'm forced to and act civilly (for the sake of our son, at family funerals etc.) , there's no way that I will ever forget what the asshole did to me and my son ... and as a result I will never be able to truly forgive him or be his 'friend'.

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    No one said anything about forgetting as there were valuable life lessons in the whole experience... yet definately forgiving is there. You've grown up as such.. You realised awhile ago that there are more important things to focus upon than your resentment towards him and what happened... you can't change it, so why waste any more energy upon something you can't change?

    You have moved on and up. So yes... enjoy that you can be friends.

    I have an ex that I see in the club every so often (back home here) that whilst we didn't part on awful terms, I just can't be friends with.. he irritates me. He just reminds me of how much of a loser I dated for 3 and a bit years (and why I broke up with him in the first place).

    I'm only thankful for one thing from that relationship: he helped me get into stripping which, no matter what happens to me in my life, was the best thing to happen to me ! It has given me more than it has taken from me (as such).

    I can't get him kicked out as he isn't doing anything wrong. He's a patron and allowed there just like everyone else even tho' he doesn't tip anyone from what I have seen... he is pretty much there just like it was Santa Fe Gold (there for the pool tables mainly yet he's a male/man so of course he will check out the strippers).


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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Quote Originally Posted by gingerlee View Post
    I'm just wondering if it really is possible to forgive somebody that I was SO sure that I would always hate enough to be...friends? Nothing more. Have I changed so much since I was a really angry 18 year old that thought she knew everything and there was no way in hell I would ever be able to even say his name without wanting to cry and throw things?
    I don't mean to belittle what you went through with this guy when you split but neither of you are the same person now that you were at 18. Then again, you won't be the same person in another five or six years that you are now. Can you be friends with the guy? Only time will tell. The fact that you can be in the same room with him sounds like great strides considering the way you describe the break-up. Time does heal most wounds and age brings wisdom. Good luck, just be true to yourself no matter what your feelings are.
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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Quote Originally Posted by gingerlee View Post
    I'm just wondering if it really is possible to forgive somebody that I was SO sure that I would always hate enough to be...friends? Nothing more.
    As has been remarked time changes us all. I'm probably a kinder person now that when I was 18, and that goes for most people. We mostly mellow with the years.

    What's the down side of meeting again? Probably not a lot. If you get on now, and you're both happy to see each other of a 'friends only' basis then what the hell...go for it.

    The past (as they say) is another country.

    Phil.

    (Although I'd talk to your SO about it first - he may have his own opinions on the subject).

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Quote Originally Posted by gingerlee View Post
    I'm just wondering if it really is possible to forgive somebody that I was SO sure that I would always hate enough to be...friends? Nothing more.
    Yes. I think once you have distance from the situation and no emotional investment in him anymore (which you obviously dont) you can put the past behind you and be friends. I have never been married but I was hurt badly by an ex and I remain friends (like talk once or twice a year friends) with him now 7 years later.
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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    I agree time changes things. Maybe it's also a case of indifference, like all the passion (both for love and hate) has gone now...

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    I don't know. If everything that had happened between my ex and I happened when we were teenagers....maybe I could grow and forgive him.

    As it stands right now, my ex brings thoughts of violence and pleasurable tingles thinking of his painful cries. Yah....I'm still pissed like that.

    But I'll be civil and polite when I need to be. just don't put us alone in a room together. *bares teeth and claws*




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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    The way it has been explained to me by different partners after a break up.

    1. You're dead to me now.
    2. If we ever occupy the same airspace breathing the same oxygen, don't ever come over and waste your breath on me.

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    Default Re: My ex-hubby showed up at my club...not sure how to feel

    Quote Originally Posted by aussiebelle View Post
    I agree time changes things. Maybe it's also a case of indifference, like all the passion (both for love and hate) has gone now...
    I think that's the thing. The love and the hate are gone. It's weird, since I'm not one of those people to just let things go, but apparently I can forgive, even if I can't forget. (Not that I would ever want to.)

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