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Thread: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Lately I've been doing a lot of house planning. Buying a small house sure as hell beats paying $875/mo for a 1-bedroom apartment! I have already planned out lucrative affordable areas, what type of house I want, how much I can afford, etc. I am looking to buy a house in about 1.5-2 yrs, after house prices have fallen a little more. By that time, I will have my car loan paid off to zero a few yrs early, I'll have ~$13,000+ saved for the down payment, and my credit score will be even better. I already have a credit score in the low 700s, but in the next year or so the one bad mark on my Experian credit report from 2002(wasn't even my fault; loooong story) will have fallen off.

    I told my dad about my house buying plans, and he is very supportive and proud of me, which means a lot. My dad is a carpenter and self-employed contractor, so he knows a lot about houses, what to look for, and what renovations will need to be completed(I'm seeking a 100-yr-old post-Victorian). He agrees that paying $875/mo+ in rent for my tiny place is "throwing money down the drain."


    ***************************

    Meanwhile, I have a same-age cousin who just got married and moved into a house in summer 06. Yes, this is the same two-faced jerk of a cousin who invited my entire family to her wedding and excluded me, then told our mutual grandmother to keep the entire wedding a secret from me. I wrote about it last year in this thread:



    Now I've been planning to buy a house because that's what I myself want to do, but I still feel a little "behind" that cousin "Molly" already has a house. It's embarrassing enough that Molly was working in her full-time job field long before I did, back when I was working in retail and financially struggling to find a stable place to live(how else do you think I turned to dancing??)...despite the fact that I'd always been the more studious, hardworking, motivated cousin. It's embarrassing enough that Molly and my grandmother exchanged inaccurate belittling gossip about me in the past during the years that we didn't even see each other. And now she has a decent house with her husband.

    ***************************

    On Christmas, my grandmother visited my dad's house the same time I visited. I told her and my dad about my ambitions to buy a house within the next 2 yrs, and I assured them that their Christmas money to me would be used wisely for savings towards this future house. My grandmother praised me for saving my money responsibly, but said a few light comments such as, "Well, I don't want you to go into debt over your head by buying a house." WTF? Does she think that I'm incapable? In an earlier visit when I made friendly convo with my grandmother and asked her how Molly is doing with the new house, she said something to the effect of, "Well yeah they bought a house, she's a little different because her husband makes a lot of money." What, does she think that I'm still struggling at min wage? What does that show about how my grandmother perceives my supposed success and status? (NOTE: Molly's husband is NOT a millionaire or anything big like that, but he does well for himself)

    I understand that my grandmother is looking out for me, and that she doesn't want to see me buy a house I cannot truly afford and end up being one of the many people going through foreclosure and homelessness. She is trying to protect me. But what annoys me is, why does she have a better perception of cousin Molly's situation and not mine? I just want people to see me as ABLE. I HATE it when people tell me that I'm "not ready" to have a baby or buy a house, yet they turn around and support/congratulate other people my age looking to do those same things. I'm not saying that I want to move out of my comfortable apartment or have a baby right now...I'm just saying that I want people to see me as capable and able. I want to know that if I were in a situation where I had to buy a house or have a kid right this minute(e.g., accidental pregnancy, or stumbling upon a can't-be-missed great deal on a property), that people would perceive me as ABLE and be there to support me. For example, when I was accidentally pregnant 2 yrs ago, people opposed me and made me feel like I was "illogical and irresponsible" for NOT getting an abortion...their pro-abortion jargon stressed me out to the point of miscarriage. I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TALK DOWN TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN ABOUT A HOUSE OR A KID!!

    So what do you think? Do you think I seem "ready" and "capable" to get a house within the next 2 yrs? Also, do you think my grandmother's assessment is fair or unfair? I just wish people would view me to be just as capable as the next person.

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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    I think you have to take their comments and advice and take the parts that are valid (whether you like them or not) and take them into consideration. I think you are in the process of learning to have a healthy emotional distance from their judgements and personal agendas. Continue maintaining the emotional distance you need! That's ingredient number 1 in becoming a healthy emotionally independent adult.

    Your cousin is not as confident as she pretends and that's why she has plenty of insecurity to invest in gossip. Keep your distance from her.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Member tlove0113's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    I think you should keep your business to yourself. When you constantly have relatives who only have negative things to say, it's best not to tell them anything at all. I deal with this all the time and find it easier to do what I want and leave them out of it.

  4. #4
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Thanks, Optimist! My dad said some similar things to me on the phone when I discussed it with him earlier this morning.

    As far as my cousin...trust me I don't need to keep distance from her. I've seen her a "whopping" 2 times in the past 10 yrs. The first time was 7 yrs ago when she and her bf(now husband) stopped by the store I worked at, and we had friendly convo. The second time was 2 yrs ago at my mom's funeral, where we again had friendly convo and she happily told me that she was getting married that summer. She acts friendly to my face but obviously she's not so friendly behind my back. She's been sending Christmas cards to my family with absolutely no mention of me.

    If anything, I wonder if maybe I'm the unconfident one. Molly seems happily married, happy in her nursing career, and doing okay. I'm the one that struggled with embarrassing poverty problems, and now spends my time wearing cleavage-bearing tops and cruising around in my 06 Mustang as though I need to prove to the world that I finally have boobs and decent money. I always feel like there's something to prove, esp to the people that scorned me in the past.

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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    You're so right tlove!! It took me years to get out of the habit of telling my family everything! I was so sure they would be as happy and positive about my plans as I was. But I learned EVERYONE has their own agenda and sometimes they want to be supportive but sometimes they don't. Sometimes they see your vision and sometimes they don't.


    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post

    If anything, I wonder if maybe I'm the unconfident one. Molly seems happily married, happy in her nursing career, and doing okay. I'm the one that struggled with embarrassing poverty problems, and now spends my time wearing cleavage-bearing tops and cruising around in my 06 Mustang as though I need to prove to the world that I finally have boobs and decent money. I always feel like there's something to prove, esp to the people that scorned me in the past.
    You'll learn that you have a finite amount of energy and you have to choose what you'll invest it in. Will it be fear of other people's judgement, the same people who can't be arsed to share their life with you? Or will it be invested in accepting and respecting YOUR life's choices and pace? Life is not a test or a race and acceptance an respect is something you must cultivated for yourself--even when you're surrounded with supportive people.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Your relatives may just be old fashioned and thinking that you need a husband to help with all the big life decisions. While it feels like an insult to your abilities, they are only getting that idea from their own out-dated thinking, not necessarily because they think you personally can't take care of yourself. I would take it as them not being up with the times instead of a personal slight.

  7. #7
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Here's examples of my cousin Molly's pettiness:

    * When we were 14 yrs old, we were dateless losers. Every day after school when we would talk for hours on the phone, Molly would make up bullshit stories about my guy friends asking her out. She would insist that it's true for like half an hour until I finally claimed to believe her, and then she'd laugh and say "Haaa-haaa, I lied! You fool!"

    * When us "dateless losers" attended my guy friends' baseball game and some of the guys mocked me, my cousin rubbed it in later by saying in an uppidy voice, "Dude they weren't laughing with you...they were laughing at you. You realize that, right?"

    * When I contemplated getting braces, she told me that my smile looked like a jack-o-lantern. (that finalized my decision to get braces!!)

    * When I got the braces, my cousin claimed that I wouldn't be able to french kiss with braces. She almost convinced me that I wouldn't be able to get my first real kiss until the freakin age of majority(18, when I was due to get my braces off)!!! Luckily I asked my friend about kissing the next day at school, and she said that the no-kissing thing with braces wasn't true at all!!

    * My cousin made me feel like a slut simply for wearing a tank top or make-up. This is partly because her mom(aka my bitchy aunt) was even more outlandishly strict than my own parents, which is really saying something.

    * My cousin did other catty things, such as the time that we agreed that there were a few annoying/snobby things her friend "Hailey" did. One day after we had such a discussion, she called me up and specifically asked me what I thought of Hailey, and meanwhile she had Hailey listening in on 3way.

    * When I was 16, I went on my first date. My mom waited until that very day before admitting to me that cousin Molly had already gone on her first date a year earlier, but didn't want me to know for fear that I would feel jealous or left-out that I was one of the last girls left with no dating experience. Never once did my cousin offer to introduce me to her boyfriend's friends, even though I used to take her to every single middle school dance or baseball game so she could meet the boys at my school.

    *** This one takes the cake: When I was in 12th grade, I hadn't seen my cousin in 3 yrs(at the prompting of my mom, I started distancing myself from Molly because of the above mentioned pettiness). As luck would have it, Molly was attending community college with my evil ex's best guy friend Skylar. What made my ex so "evil," was the way he would go around for months after our break-up, telling people false accusations about me cheating on him. Skylar told Molly these lies, and Molly gossiped about it to her mother(aka my equally bitchy aunt) and our grandmother.

    All of a sudden, my overprotective parents were grounding me for no reason at all, and telling me that I wasn't allowed to date or have a social life. They refused to tell me where they'd heard these wild accusations from. They refused to listen to me when I tried to explain that my ex and his buddy Skylar were just jerks. I didn't even know my cousin's involvement until months later when my dad confessed it to me, and he made me promise not to let my mom or grandmother know that he'd told me the real story on it.

    * Several years later when my mom got mad at me for not being able to find a job in my field and she herself made a few false accusations, my grandmother urged her to kick me out. It didn't matter that I was only making like $30/week at my current bullshit job(they had barely any work hours to give) and didn't have enough credit to qualify for my own apartment. My grandmother told my mom to kick me out, then gossiped to my cousin about me during my cousin's daily kiss-up/brown-noser visits to my grandma's house.

    * It should really be no surprise to me that Molly would underhandedly act nice to me at the funeral and then exclude me from the wedding. I guess I thought she would have changed and gotten nicer over the years. And she did...to everyone except me I guess.

    Ugh my cousin is sooooo annoying! How did she deserve to find a receptionist job at the doctor's office during her first year of college, whereas meanwhile I was the straight-A student stuck working for $6.25/hr at the movie theater? See, now her pettiness is encouraging ME to think petty, too lol.
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 12-27-2007 at 10:08 AM. Reason: added something

  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by Zabrina View Post
    Your relatives may just be old fashioned and thinking that you need a husband to help with all the big life decisions. While it feels like an insult to your abilities, they are only getting that idea from their own out-dated thinking, not necessarily because they think you personally can't take care of yourself. I would take it as them not being up with the times instead of a personal slight.
    That is possible...after all, my grandmother is very old-fashioned. At Christmas dinner, she was shunning my other cousin "Ryan" for living with his fiancee before marriage. (My cousin Ryan is getting married this weekend, and he's actually cool enough to invite me. Ryan's from my dad's side of the family -- whereas Molly is from my mom's side of the family -- and experience has shown my dad's side of the family to be a LOT cooler and more laid back)

    But I don't know if it's just about the marriage thing. Even when I was talking to my dad about houses on the phone today, we discussed how Molly paid a little too high for her house, and I asked my dad if he thought she hadn't gotten a good deal on it(I want to learn from others' experiences so I'll know what to do when I look to buy). He said, "Nah, because she makes such good money, and her husband makes such good money esp with the bonus he got when he threatened to leave his current company. The money really doesn't mean all that much to them, so they're still smooth sailing with it." And it is true that nurses make good money...more than most strippers! (My friend "Brian" who's also a nurse makes a starting salary of ~$60,000/yr) So maybe it's not even so much about Molly having a husband, but just that they see her as making a lot of money?

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    I think you need to stop worrying about what your cousin is doing and focus on your plans.

    Stop comparing yourself to her and just go and enjoy life, you'll be much better off for it.
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  10. #10
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    ^ Okay but answer me this question first: Do I sound capable of taking on a house? Or, do I sound like I'm lacking something, and am at high risk of ending up in foreclosure like so many homeowners that overindulged on subprime mortgages?

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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    You've got to understand that your grandmother more than likely comes from a time closer to my own grandmother's in which women were incapable. Women needed men, were inferior and lacked many rights or options. She more than likely believes your cousin is in better "shape" because her husband makes well.

    My grandmother is the same way. She doesn't believe I will be able to make a highly liveable wage as a stylist. She talks about my exes constantly along with any other man she sees.

    Showing them and yourself you can do it on your own speaks louder than words and will put them in their places. Stop worrying about those that don't benefit your well-being.

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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Lately I've been doing a lot of house planning. Buying a small house sure as hell beats paying $875/mo for a 1-bedroom apartment! I have already planned out lucrative affordable areas, what type of house I want, how much I can afford, etc. I am looking to buy a house in about 1.5-2 yrs, after house prices have fallen a little more. By that time, I will have my car loan paid off to zero a few yrs early, I'll have ~$13,000+ saved for the down payment, and my credit score will be even better. I already have a credit score in the low 700s, but in the next year or so the one bad mark on my Experian credit report from 2002(wasn't even my fault; loooong story) will have fallen off.

    I told my dad about my house buying plans, and he is very supportive and proud of me, which means a lot. My dad is a carpenter and self-employed contractor, so he knows a lot about houses, what to look for, and what renovations will need to be completed(I'm seeking a 100-yr-old post-Victorian). He agrees that paying $875/mo+ in rent for my tiny place is "throwing money down the drain."


    ***************************

    Meanwhile, I have a same-age cousin who just got married and moved into a house in summer 06. Yes, this is the same two-faced jerk of a cousin who invited my entire family to her wedding and excluded me, then told our mutual grandmother to keep the entire wedding a secret from me. I wrote about it last year in this thread:

    http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sho...cousin+wedding

    Now I've been planning to buy a house because that's what I myself want to do, but I still feel a little "behind" that cousin "Molly" already has a house. It's embarrassing enough that Molly was working in her full-time job field long before I did, back when I was working in retail and financially struggling to find a stable place to live(how else do you think I turned to dancing??)...despite the fact that I'd always been the more studious, hardworking, motivated cousin. It's embarrassing enough that Molly and my grandmother exchanged inaccurate belittling gossip about me in the past during the years that we didn't even see each other. And now she has a decent house with her husband.

    ***************************

    On Christmas, my grandmother visited my dad's house the same time I visited. I told her and my dad about my ambitions to buy a house within the next 2 yrs, and I assured them that their Christmas money to me would be used wisely for savings towards this future house. My grandmother praised me for saving my money responsibly, but said a few light comments such as, "Well, I don't want you to go into debt over your head by buying a house." WTF? Does she think that I'm incapable? In an earlier visit when I made friendly convo with my grandmother and asked her how Molly is doing with the new house, she said something to the effect of, "Well yeah they bought a house, she's a little different because her husband makes a lot of money." What, does she think that I'm still struggling at min wage? What does that show about how my grandmother perceives my supposed success and status? (NOTE: Molly's husband is NOT a millionaire or anything big like that, but he does well for himself)

    I understand that my grandmother is looking out for me, and that she doesn't want to see me buy a house I cannot truly afford and end up being one of the many people going through foreclosure and homelessness. She is trying to protect me. But what annoys me is, why does she have a better perception of cousin Molly's situation and not mine? I just want people to see me as ABLE. I HATE it when people tell me that I'm "not ready" to have a baby or buy a house, yet they turn around and support/congratulate other people my age looking to do those same things. I'm not saying that I want to move out of my comfortable apartment or have a baby right now...I'm just saying that I want people to see me as capable and able. I want to know that if I were in a situation where I had to buy a house or have a kid right this minute(e.g., accidental pregnancy, or stumbling upon a can't-be-missed great deal on a property), that people would perceive me as ABLE and be there to support me. For example, when I was accidentally pregnant 2 yrs ago, people opposed me and made me feel like I was "illogical and irresponsible" for NOT getting an abortion...their pro-abortion jargon stressed me out to the point of miscarriage. I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TALK DOWN TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN ABOUT A HOUSE OR A KID!!

    So what do you think? Do you think I seem "ready" and "capable" to get a house within the next 2 yrs? Also, do you think my grandmother's assessment is fair or unfair? I just wish people would view me to be just as capable as the next person.

    You are giving her an awful lot of attention that she doesn't deserve. Leave her in the wind.

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    ^ Okay but answer me this question first: Do I sound capable of taking on a house? Or, do I sound like I'm lacking something, and am at high risk of ending up in foreclosure like so many homeowners that overindulged on subprime mortgages?
    I mean, you know what your finances are. You know how much you make and how much you need to survive. Average out how much you make a month. Add all your bills together and figure out how much you can afford to pay monthly for a mortgage.

    You can shop around for interest rates. Make sure you let the real estate agent aware of what price range you are looking for.

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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Holy obsession batman. Like, you are dredging up stuff about your cousin from when you were 14. Teens tease one another-it happened to us all. And we've all had at least one bitchy relative. You really need to let this competition with your cousin go.

    You can't force people to believe in you. And is this really "people" or a select few in your family? Because family is tricky. It's almost a cliche that relatives will never be satisfied and will nitpick you, and yes, some families do have favourites.

    But chances are, that if you want people to believe you can buy a house they will start to when you, you know, buy one.

    And if you are constantly looking for approval from others, it tends to make them think less of you. I'd work on being more independent-I think that's your only problem.

    I don't know how you present yourself to the world v. these rants on here, but if you're like this in real life-agonizing over other's opinions, holding onto ancient gripes, seeking approval-I wouldn't see you as an independent, capable person either.

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    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    I mean, you know what your finances are. You know how much you make and how much you need to survive. Average out how much you make a month. Add all your bills together and figure out how much you can afford to pay monthly for a mortgage.

    You can shop around for interest rates. Make sure you let the real estate agent aware of what price range you are looking for.
    Greenidlady, first I'd like to say that I appreciate your thoughtful feedback and responses. Secondly, I'd like to explain a little about my finances so you have a clearer picture. Right now I am paying $875/mo rent for my apartment, and minimum $600/mo on my car loan(my car payment is actually less than that, but I force myself to pay no less than $600/mo so that I can pay it off early)...those 2 total nearly $1500/mo without including other living expenses, and I can afford that decently. I'm looking to pay extra money into my car loan so that I'll wipe out the loan in less than a year. I'm also seeking a mortgage that will run me about $1000-1300/mo. As you can see, $1300/mo for a mortgage + no car payment will run me less money than what I'm paying right now for rent + car payments!

    By the time I plan to actually buy the house, the only debt payment I will have is $103/mo for my Stafford student loan. I currently owe about $9000something on it, but it's not really worth paying off, since the interest rate is much lower(3.7%) than that of my car loan or credit card(which is also at a low 3.99% for the next 7 months, but I'm planning to pay it off way before then).

    As far as interest rates go, my two friends told me to expect to pay between 6-6.5%(the one has a condo mortgage, and both of them have worked with mortgages and titles for a few yrs). But when I checked my credit profile and FICO score online, the website said that someone with my credit score in my state should expect to pay around 5.9%, which is a little less than I expected.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    I mean, you know what your finances are. You know how much you make and how much you need to survive. Average out how much you make a month. Add all your bills together and figure out how much you can afford to pay monthly for a mortgage.

    You can shop around for interest rates. Make sure you let the real estate agent aware of what price range you are looking for.
    Exactly, just bunker down, do the math and figure out if you could or could not afford to get a house. You don't need to get approval from us or anyone else, just the bank. All we say is that figure it out and make sure that you can do it, then make your decision.
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    Default Re: Bitchy cousin issue revisited: Double standard with buying a house

    Quote Originally Posted by Circe View Post
    You can't force people to believe in you. And is this really "people" or a select few in your family? Because family is tricky. It's almost a cliche that relatives will never be satisfied and will nitpick you, and yes, some families do have favourites.
    It's the majority of people in my mom's side of the family, which includes(but not limited to) my grandparents, my bitchy aunt(aka my mom's only sibling), my 4 cousins, and others. When my mom was still alive, she had a lot of problems with my bitchy aunt being mean to her or excluding her from family reunion events(why do you think I refer to her as my "bitchy aunt"?). My aunt was constantly putting down the way my mom raised us, and acting as though we were a bunch of spoiled slutty brats(when in reality, my mom was VERY strict with us!). Oh yeah and a few other distant relatives on my mom's side are also judgmental and snobby. For example, Great Aunt Maggie, aka my grandmother's older sister. As far as my grandma goes...well, she's old and stubborn and starting to get on my siblings' nerves more and more these days LOL.

    So I understand that perhaps my mom's side of the family is "whacked"(as my one friend claims), but I think a few of them(my grandma, bitchy aunt, and cousin Molly) judge me especially harshly. The way my grandma convinced my mom to kick me when I was already down(i.e., ban me from the house simply because I had some trouble finding a job in my field shortly after college), involves more than just being "judgmental and snobby." That's downright cruel, and even counsellors have told me that. The fact that my grandma STILL perceives me a certain way because of those events of 3 yrs ago, in which I was unfairly misjudged, is adding insult to injury. Obviously this is still a sore wound for me.

    Thankfully my dad's side of the family is more laid-back and NORMAL(despite my very frugal parents and bitchy aunt thinking that my dad's side is "spoiled").

    Quote Originally Posted by Circe View Post
    And if you are constantly looking for approval from others, it tends to make them think less of you. I'd work on being more independent-I think that's your only problem.
    I mostly agree with you here. I have a few friends who cannot get girls because they care too much what girls think of them, to the point that it shows and makes them look like unconfident dweebs.

    HOWEVER, sometimes I *WANT* my family to know that I'm looking for their approval. Growing up, I sometimes got in trouble for defiance and back-talking(my parents were strict), so this convinced my parents that I didn't care what they thought of me. A few years ago when I couldn't find a good job and my parents were ready to throw me out, they threw up in my face, "You don't care about us! You probably don't care that we think bad of you! You stopped caring what we thought back when you were 13 and started cursing out loud and watching MTV behind our backs! I highly doubt you're trying to better yourself! [explicative explicative explicative]" So...yeah, in the case of my parents, sometimes I feel the need to constantly remind them of how responsible I am, how many hours I work in the week, etc. I want them to know that I'm trying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Circe View Post
    I don't know how you present yourself to the world v. these rants on here, but if you're like this in real life-agonizing over other's opinions, holding onto ancient gripes, seeking approval-I wouldn't see you as an independent, capable person either.
    You have a good point here. Admittedly I rant more on SW than in real life because I know I can get away with it and hide behind my computer screen. In real life, I'm a lot more comical and goofy, although I do rant in confidence to 2 of my best friends about many of the things I discussed on SW(they do the same). When I was pregnant a few yrs ago, the worries and "second-guessing myself" that I confided to M--k, played a big part in M--k wondering if maybe it'd be easier for me to get an abortion than to carry out the pregnancy...he saw me as dependent and unconfident. I cannot say the same for my distant friends, who did not see that worrywort side of me yet still told me to get an abortion to avoid "ruining my life". But you do bring up a great point though.

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