I was going to use my year-end distribution for my BA I have been wanting for ELEVEN YEARS, but our car died two weeks ago and I have to get another one.
I'm really depressed about it, since I am over thirty (more than one year) and it's probably going to be most of the year before we can save up a decent amount for the downpayment on the BA, now. Plus the fact that we will have a car payment factored in. I was hoping to get the BA in January and go back to work in Feb.; hopefully making enough to get another car then, but it is not to be.
I can't help feeling I am going to be too old to get back into the business by the time I get the BA . I don't want to be one of those desperate, leathery-looking older dancers that some men get just because of the large tits or the less hassle of a younger girl - you know what I mean.
I don't think I'm ugly,but I am not an absolute beauty queen either. My body doesn't look bad, just need some firming up (my posts in Body Biz can tell you my cellulite is well under control, almost completely gone) and I don't carry a lot of extra weight ( I want to lose about 8 to maybe 10 at the MOST); I just feel..discouraged. My face is ok, no wrinkles of a noticable sort, and I've been seriously stepping up the facial care this year, but I have slight cheek sag that is common in my family and that will only dissapear with 1) serious weight loss (too much for me to look normal other areas) or 2) surgery.
My teeth are not in great shape. No pain or major cavities, but need some fills, straightening, and whitening. I can hide that pretty well with OTC stuff until I can pay for serious work, but again....no money for it now.
I've been in the biz long enough to be as objective as I can about myself. I think I have a great attitude and I am a hard worker, but I really wanted to make a splash before I quit entirely. I really like doing this, so very much. I like men, I enjoy meeting all the different types of women who do this also. It's in my blood. I am heartbroken about the fact that I may have to just let it go, because I am a Leo...if I can't be one of the best, I don't even want to be there. I feel as if I never reached my full potential in this area, and that makes me dissapointed in myself - that I may never get to reach that potential.
Husband tells me not to be so negative,and that I look in my late 20s - but he's my husband. However,he has been in the biz for 18 years now, so I give it some weight, just not a lot, I guess.
It's not like me to be depressed, I just...have a lot on my mind at the moment, and the disappointment of losing the money to something else just did it for me.I've been waiting for so long...
Just as a side note,since you may be wondering: I don't have ANY credit cards, and I don't want any. My credit is not so wonderful, but not in the crapper either, mostly due to my fiance who passed in 2001, suddenly. A lot of bills came due rather quickly, and a lot fell by the wayside.
A ray of hope is a BA doctor one of husband's girls at Men's Club went to, she has repos and evictions on her credit and she got financed by the office, so I may have some leeway there - but I haven't seen his work, so I don't know if I 'm going to like it.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just pretty down about it all, and not feeling like I'm going to be able to get out of this any time soon.
Hopefully a new year will bring fresh optimisim.




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