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Thread: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedback?

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedback?

    This holiday break, one of my exes, "A," is visiting home from the military. This is the same ex that knocked me up a few yrs ago(I talked about this in recent threads). We had maintained contact and friendship over the last year and a half or so since we stopped dating. Over the last few months, we talked more than usual and "A" kept telling me that he missed me. Almost a month ago, "A" asked if he would be able to stay with me for a portion of the time that he would be visiting home, and I agreed. (he doesn't have a stable place to stay here, since he normally lives at the military base) I've been trying to become less promiscuous, so I figure it's good that he's here because it'll keep me out of trouble lol(i.e., meeting lots of guys).

    It's been good seeing him again, and we've been catching up on things. We hung out last weekend and then went to our separate families' houses for Christmas. He also spent some time visiting his old friends and catching up on things with them(perfectly understandable). We considered hanging out Christmas night when we were done with our families. I got back from my faraway family's house late(around 9-10pm) and by that time, "A" was already getting drunk at his friends' place and partying with them. I would have liked to catch up with him as planned, but I figured I'd catch up to him later in the week, so I hung out with my friend M--k instead.

    This past week, it's been a bit hard to make plans with "A." He's been hanging out with his friends a lot and partying with them. (During this week, he's been crashing at his buddies' house) We considered hanging out this weekend, and then yesterday "A" told me that he would be hanging out with his friends Saturday night and watching some pay-per-view event as part of a "boys night out." He said that he'd be up for hanging out Saturday day though. Not being the type to wait around, I went ahead and made plans to hang at the bars in Town X Saturday night with some old friends I haven't seen in a while. I understand that he has a lot of friends to catch up with, but I'm starting to question if perhaps "A" is only staying with me on days that he doesn't have his buddies to party with, which doesn't fly with me(I don't want to be a "standby girl" for him ).

    Today when he called me to finalize plans, he's now saying that it is his mom's birthday tomorrow so he's gotta see her during the day...so now we're not hanging out tomorrow afternoon either. He reiterated that he was invited to his friend Heather's to see the pay-per-view event with the rest of his guy friends later that night(Heather's "one of the guys"?). I then said, "That's cool, and would I be able to 'invite' you to hang out with me on Sunday?" He said yeah he would spend Sunday with me and he would call me Saturday night after he's done watching the event with his buddies so maybe we'd be able to meet up late Saturday night. I told him that I would be in Town X because I made plans to hang out with some friends(it felt good showing that I wasn't waiting around for him), so perhaps he could meet us in Town X later if he really wanted.

    Do you think I should expect him to hang out with me more, since after all he wants to stay at my place? Would it be too demanding for me to expect such a thing, or should I expect this to avoid be a doormat/free room? I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't count on him. I mean, I could be going on dates/outings with other interested guys who have been calling me lately, but instead I am NOT going on dates, so that I can focus on "A" while he's here(I'm trying to be less of a player/promiscous). Should I disregard "A," and feel free to go on dates with some of the other guys? Or, should I not worry so much? I just want to make sure that I'm not being a doormat or a "whatever Wanda," since that was my problem in the past when I was dating him.

    Should I communicate my intentions to "A" a little more clearly, or would that be unnecessary? To clarify, the reason things didn't work out with "A" in the past was because I was too unassertive about my feelings. When I was pregnant, I shied away from telling "A" my feelings and plans on the issue, which led "A" to wonder if I even had my own opinion on the matter. I let a lot of people give "A" and I put-downs when I was pregnant, without defending myself or "A". I was a total doormat. Months later, I expressed these opinions to "A" and finally started standing up for myself for some things concerning "A." Back then, "A" told me that I needed to be more communicative and assertive with my opinions. "A" is aware that I've been becomming more assertive and firm these days...and he has commended me in recent past for doing so.

    I'm not good with the whole "dating" thing, since it's been a long time since I dated "A" or the long-term ex that I had before "A." I usually avoid relationships or any form of dating past casual hook-ups for a reason...it confuses me and I don't like the emotional involvement. I guess you could say I'm "new" with dating in a way. Advice or feedback?
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 12-28-2007 at 02:34 PM.

  2. #2
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    NOTE: Sorry if I've been dwelling on the pregnancy and house issues so much lately. I can't help but think of these things, since I've had to deal with my family(some relatives have lacked faith in my ability to be financially sound for quite some time now) and "A"(the one that knocked me up) all in the same week LOL. Seeing people involved in past scenarios causes me to recall the past and wonder if I'm handling things any better than I did in the past. Hopefully I am?

  3. #3
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    I'd just ask him if he didn't want to see you why did he come to your home. Obviously you are not one of his top priorities or interests. Don't let him use you. Fuck, I'd tell him M--k is coming over and tell him the two of you need some privacy. Ask if he can go stay with some of the "guys" for a couple of nights.

  4. #4
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Truthfully, I'd throw him out and sharply cut back any interaction with him in the future. Then I'd take time to mourn the friendship/romance I dreamed of and slowly accept that he feels VERY differently about me than I do about him.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

  5. #5
    OdysseusNJ
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    It's always hard to tell from just 1/2 the story but from what you say it kind of does sound like he's treating you like a "standby girl". Personally I'd move on if I were you. That sucks, good luck. Exes are often tricky to deal with.

    PS Hope you don't mind the boy feedback but I figured since this wasn't in Ladies Only you wouldn't...

  6. #6
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    One last note: He moved away a little over a year ago. So that could explain why he wants to catch up with all of his old-time friends...it's not like he sees them on a regular basis or anything. But anyway, I don't want him to think that I'm going to be a freakin "standby girl" like he saw people(various friends of mine) do to me in the past. But at the same time, I do not know if it would be wrong for me to hook up with one of the 2 or 3+ guys that keep texting me and wanting to hook up.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    I'd just ask him if he didn't want to see you why did he come to your home. Obviously you are not one of his top priorities or interests. Don't let him use you. Fuck, I'd tell him M--k is coming over and tell him the two of you need some privacy. Ask if he can go stay with some of the "guys" for a couple of nights.
    The thing is, he hasn't been staying at my place this week, he's been staying with the "guys." So he's already been doing that.

    LOL I like the idea you suggest about M--k. I'm already doing something a bit like that...I made plans to go out drinking with MY "boys" on Saturday night in Town X. I told him that he can meet up with us later but I made it sound very indefinite and ambiguous. Perhaps when he calls to meet up, I will have him meet up with us just long enough to flaunt him in front of my high school classmates that will be hanging at the bar this weekend(I grew up in Town X, and every weekend before a major holiday, it's like one big freakin high school reunion...which is both good and bad), before ditching him to hang out with my buddies. Haha I'm evil.
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 12-28-2007 at 04:30 PM.

  7. #7
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by OdysseusNJ View Post
    It's always hard to tell from just 1/2 the story but from what you say it kind of does sound like he's treating you like a "standby girl". Personally I'd move on if I were you. That sucks, good luck. Exes are often tricky to deal with.

    PS Hope you don't mind the boy feedback but I figured since this wasn't in Ladies Only you wouldn't...
    Nah I don't mind at all LOL. I actually WAS thinking about posting this in the Ladies Only section, but then I realized that it could be very helpful to have some guys respond too, so that I could get some very well-rounded reponses from both genders.

  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    Truthfully, I'd throw him out and sharply cut back any interaction with him in the future. Then I'd take time to mourn the friendship/romance I dreamed of and slowly accept that he feels VERY differently about me than I do about him.
    Here's the thing though: I'm NOT in love with him or anything like that. So there'd be no mourning. Also, he hasn't been staying at my place this week, but at his friend's. So it's not like he has any stuff at my apartment that I can throw out onto the lawn or anything lol.

    I really hope *I* don't sound like a "user" by saying this, but...part of the reason that I was looking to spend time with "A" and cut back on seeing my fuck buddies, is because I figured that "A" would keep me out of trouble. I've been trying to become less promiscuous after finding out that a few of the hoes that I had meaningless(by my choice) flings with were married or diseased. I'm thankful that I've remained STD free and free of abuse from any wives. But it made me realize that I need to stop putzin' around so much and perhaps it is safer to stick to just one person for sex. I normally wouldn't mind going back to my old ways of playing the field, but...I'm worried about catching diseases or getting some wife's bad side.

    So anyway, the one thing that is truly sad about this situation is the fact that if I don't have a steady source of sex, I will probably go back to playing the field and again putting myself at the risk of diseases and wives/girlfriends. I realize it is not a good idea, but I also have a sexual addiction and a need to evaluate my ability to "move on" based on how many guys I can get. I thought I could maybe date one guy like a "normal" person does, but apparently not. That's the true sadness worth mourning in this situation.

  9. #9
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    One last note: He moved away a little over a year ago. So that could explain why he wants to catch up with all of his old-time friends...it's not like he sees them on a regular basis or anything. But anyway, I don't want him to think that I'm going to be a freakin "standby girl" like he saw people(various friends of mine) do to me in the past. But at the same time, I do not know if it would be wrong for me to hook up with one of the 2 or 3+ guys that keep texting me and wanting to hook up.



    The thing is, he hasn't been staying at my place this week, he's been staying with the "guys." So he's already been doing that.

    LOL I like the idea you suggest about M--k. I'm already doing something a bit like that...I made plans to go out drinking with MY "boys" on Saturday night in Town X. I told him that he can meet up with us later but I made it sound very indefinite and ambiguous. Perhaps when he calls to meet up, I will have him meet up with us just long enough to flaunt him in front of my high school classmates that will be hanging at the bar this weekend(I grew up in Town X, and every weekend before a major holiday, it's like one big freakin high school reunion...which is both good and bad), before ditching him to hang out with my buddies. Haha I'm evil.
    No, don't answer the phone when he calls to meet up. Call him back later the next afternoon.

  10. #10
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Okay good idea. Although I generally do that anyway...I'm not very conscientious when it comes to answering the phone or calling him(or others) back in a very timely fashion.

  11. #11
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Here's the thing though: I'm NOT in love with him or anything like that. So there'd be no mourning. Also, he hasn't been staying at my place this week, but at his friend's. So it's not like he has any stuff at my apartment that I can throw out onto the lawn or anything lol.

    I really hope *I* don't sound like a "user" by saying this, but...part of the reason that I was looking to spend time with "A" and cut back on seeing my fuck buddies, is because I figured that "A" would keep me out of trouble. I've been trying to become less promiscuous after finding out that a few of the hoes that I had meaningless(by my choice) flings with were married or diseased. I'm thankful that I've remained STD free and free of abuse from any wives. But it made me realize that I need to stop putzin' around so much and perhaps it is safer to stick to just one person for sex. I normally wouldn't mind going back to my old ways of playing the field, but...I'm worried about catching diseases or getting some wife's bad side.

    So anyway, the one thing that is truly sad about this situation is the fact that if I don't have a steady source of sex, I will probably go back to playing the field and again putting myself at the risk of diseases and wives/girlfriends. I realize it is not a good idea, but I also have a sexual addiction and a need to evaluate my ability to "move on" based on how many guys I can get. I thought I could maybe date one guy like a "normal" person does, but apparently not. That's the true sadness worth mourning in this situation.

    Yeah, I've been down that road before too thinking if I could just sleep with one person, preferably someone I have already slept with then I want desire anyone else. Problem is you end up getting attached again so you are no better off than you would be if you just "hooked up". Then you are left attached to him and he is just doing what the orginally plan was and having casual sex with you.

    Forget him and every other loser you have been with. Forget all the people that aren't good for you or positively influence you. Move forward....

  12. #12
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    So people, what should I do: Should I hook up with other guys, or hold out just in case he decides to set aside more time for me? Remember, the longest I've ever stayed abstinent in the past year has been 3 weeks and that was pure torture for me, and the only reason I waited so long was because I was awaiting STD test results and wanted to confirm that I was clean(I was). I'm going to work at the club tonight, and I'll probably run into at least 2 or 3 of my fuck buddies that sometimes visit the club lol. I want to know what I should do.

  13. #13
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    Yeah, I've been down that road before too thinking if I could just sleep with one person, preferably someone I have already slept with then I want desire anyone else. Problem is you end up getting attached again so you are no better off than you would be if you just "hooked up". Then you are left attached to him and he is just doing what the orginally plan was and having casual sex with you.

    Forget him and every other loser you have been with. Forget all the people that aren't good for you or positively influence you. Move forward....
    Yeah but what do I do about sex? I'm afraid of hooking up with people I do not know as well as "A" and getting an STD(I have this huge obsession with avoiding STDs). Abstinence is not an answer for me, as it causes me to go absolutely...mentally...insane. LOL.

  14. #14
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Do you feel you must have sex on a regular basis to strive as person? You want die without it I promise. Sex is not a vital need, you can condition yourself and overcome the feeling that you need it. Do you think you are possibly addicted to sex?

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Yeah but what do I do about sex? I'm afraid of hooking up with people I do not know as well as "A" and getting an STD(I have this huge obsession with avoiding STDs). Abstinence is not an answer for me, as it causes me to go absolutely...mentally...insane. LOL.
    Then you are addicted to it. You won't go insane, you came out of the womb a virgin and survived for many years without it. Not saying you have to go years without but just be more picky about the people you invite into your bed and your life.

  16. #16
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    Then you are addicted to it. You won't go insane, you came out of the womb a virgin and survived for many years without it. Not saying you have to go years without but just be more picky about the people you invite into your bed and your life.
    Yes you are right, I am addicted to it. Yes I came out of the womb as a virgin, but for a good portion of the time past puberty that I *was* a virgin, I was frustrated about it and seeking to lose my virginity the way you discard trash in a garbage can LOL.

    It's been 4 days now and I already feel like I'm losing it slightly. I cannot concentrate on my work because I'm thinking about sex too much. So if one of my 3 fuck buddies that visits my work stops by my work tonight and suggests hanging out afterwards, should I go for it?...or would that not be fair to "A"?...should I care more about my own fun?

  17. #17
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    All you have to do is feel the feelings you are trying to suppress with sex. There's only negative things that come with reckless sexual contact. It's like any other high like alcohol drugs etc. I'm sure you feel great but your insecurities and fears only go away by confronting them. Once you do that you won't be desperate for an outlet.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

  18. #18
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: This is why I don't like the whole dating thing, because it confuses me...feedbac

    ^ You are absolutely correct! I realize these things and I know that abusing sex as a drug is wrong, but for some reason I keep choosing to do the wrong things. I think my problem is something a lot more complex than something that can be "turned off" overnight.

    Here's an update on my situation with "A":
    Last night while I was at work, he texted me a few times, asking about tomorrow night. This morning when I woke up, I sarcastically texted back, "But I thought it was boys night out tonight?" and we conversed via texts. This time around, I was assertive and told him that I didn't want to feel like a "standby girl" that he would merely stay with when all of his buddies were too busy to party. He apologized and cancelled his plans to hang out. It sounds like he's trying to make things better. It seems like a little bit of assertiveness and self-defense is going a long way.

    I also talked to my guy friend Revolution about this last night(one of my best friends, my sometimes-roommate, and a fellow SWer who talks mostly about politics). He told me that I shouldn't dwell on it or worry about it, that it's more normal for boys to want to meet up with their guy buddies after a long trip than I or most of the SWers realize. So maybe there's a little bit of truth in it. He told me not to write off "A" completely, at least not yet, just to see where things go first.

    I will see what happens this weekend I guess. But either way I'm not going to expect a lot until he starts proving that he wants to spend a lot of time with me. But is it possible that perhaps "A" didn't realize that I wanted to see him a good amount? I am trying to be more communicative, and so far it has been working very nicely. It is work a lot nicer than things did a few years ago, when I never told "A" how I felt about him or my opinions on important matters such as the pregnancy amongst other things. So now that I am removing the communication blockade that we'd had before, I will see if things improve...if they don't, then I will know that the problem lies all in "A," and not me. And if that's the case, then I don't want to be involved in something that I don't have any fault in.

    Meanwhile, my fuck buddies are STILL texting me constantly LOL. When asked why I've been too busy to stop by his place lately, I told my one fuck buddy cop friend "N" that all he wants to do is fuck and we should go out to places and shit. He told me that he thought I said I didn't want a serious relationship, and I agreed that I said that, but said that sometimes it's nice to be taken out places more often(we've gone to places before and he's always paid my way, but if he wants to see me frequently, he's going to have to woe me damn good). Now he is suggesting nice restaurants and stuff, so apparently my communication helped with that situation, too.

    But who should I choose, "A" or "N"? LOL. See, I'm no good at this dating thing...once things start going good for me, the problem becomes having to choose between multiple guys. I'm the type of girl who will pursue a bunch of different prospects with the expectation that some of them will either reject me or end up not working out, and then less of them will "not work out" than I originally predicted. Dating is confusing. That's why I normally don't do it.

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