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Thread: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

  1. #1
    Newbie peachness's Avatar
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    Default Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    I hope someone can give me a little help. I have a friend that I've known for almost 4 years. He's involved and has been with others, though he's back with the original now. Through all of this there were instances where he almost kissed me or has otherwise fondled me but never anything too damning, but that was most likely due to alcohol or other substances. I know he is attracted to me, but at the same time he doesn't seem to return my feelings even though we are pretty close. He's asked for advice in the past, and because I was too hurt that he wasn't with me, I told him I didn't want to talk about his "women" ever again. I'm jealous of them and don't want to be his Dear Abby.

    Am I being really mean telling him that even though I know he wants to talk to me about it (which does make me feel good because that means I mean SOMETHING to him - I think)? I don't think he wants to hurt me on purpose, but he does when he comes to me and talks about the women that aren't me. Should I bite my lip and let him talk about it and slowly wither away, or should I keep things the way they are even though I know he needs to talk to someone and he wants to talk to me? I feel bad because I'm not being a complete friend to him.

    Thanks for any input...

  2. #2
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    It's a painful role to play--the "just a friend" who wants more. I've been there, done that. In my case, I had to step away from the relationship and cut off all contact. It's been a year and I still miss her daily. But it had to be done, and I think she recognized this, too--especially after she fell deeply for the guy she's now living with.

    Check out this site ()
    for tough-love advice about the ways we torture ourselves when we have, as the author aptly puts it, an "adored one" who doesn't feel the same way about us.

    Good luck.

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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    Guys broadly behave a bit differently from women - for example we're not a sensitive towards women feelings as you are towards ours.

    Two possibilities for the way he's behaving:

    (1) He's just making conversation, doesn't realise you've got feelings for him, and doesn't see the harm in talking about other women.

    (2) He likes you as a person, is aware you've got feelings for him, and is mentioning other women to keep you at arms length.

    I interact in two ways with women - friendships and relationships. If they end up as a friend I have to switch off from having any sexual interest in them - else it would be difficult to keep things on a purely friendly plane.

    And once you've switched off for a year or two it almost becomes ingrained. Very difficult to regard them as anything other than a friend.

    Phil.

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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil-W View Post
    And once you've switched off for a year or two it almost becomes ingrained. Very difficult to regard them as anything other than a friend.

    Phil.
    There are people around the place that would disagree that no man and woman can be "just friends" esp. men towards women.... no matter how long that man has been "non sexual/platonic" with that woman.

    Introduction to the Ladder

    http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
    The ladder theory is a theory of adult male/female interaction. It has its basis in many years of sociological field testing. it was first conceptualized in 1994 in Exeter, CA. My acknowledgements to Jared Whitson for his role in formalizing the theory.


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    ive done something like this. the guy was my "best friend" for years. the last time i saw him was this past june, when we hooked up and he was still with his gf. i was very drunk, and 2 minutes into it pushed him off me,s tarted crying, and havent spoken to him since. i miss him sometimes but its way better for me. i cant REALLY be his friend.

  6. #6
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    After a full year of missing so-and-so, I've wondered often if it'd be better to get back in touch with her. I haven't, and likely won't. But it's a thought. For example, if I heard she were engaged (this may have already happened, I've no idea), would it be nice to send a very short note of congratulation? Or would this come across as PLish (at best) or stalkerish (at worst)?

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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    I've done this. I flat up asked him if he thought we were ever (meaning in the near future) going to get together, he said no. After that I realized that 'friends' was not possible with him. I was clearly already emotionally involved and analyzed the situation and things he said way too much. I stopped talking to him for a year and recently sent a "how are you" through facebook, and it was awesome. Not awesome that, "omg were gonna get together" but now I know I honestly have NO interest with him, what so ever.

    If I was in that sort of situation again I would handle it like I did in the past. It worked out very well for me.

    Chicago- I would say congrats, if you genuinely mean it, then why not? I maybe weird but if someone did that to me, as long as he wasn't an actual stalker I'd think fondly of it.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    What happened to all the good girls? You did. (Just thought I'd turn-a-phrase for all of you here)

    Quote Originally Posted by peachness View Post
    I hope someone can give me a little help. I have a friend that I've known for almost 4 years. He's involved and has been with others, though he's back with the original now. Through all of this there were instances where he almost kissed me or has otherwise fondled me but never anything too damning, but that was most likely due to alcohol or other substances. I know he is attracted to me, but at the same time he doesn't seem to return my feelings even though we are pretty close. He's asked for advice in the past, and because I was too hurt that he wasn't with me, I told him I didn't want to talk about his "women" ever again. I'm jealous of them and don't want to be his Dear Abby.
    This is why you can't. Jealousy is a right bitch. It makes for bitterness and contempt and that amounts to bad friendship. It takes a strong person to admit the impact emotions like jealousy have on them and is also the first in MANY steps to manage the emotion that EVERYONE feels.

    You already defined what you want, or rather, what you DON'T want.

    When you WANT something (to be the girl he's messing with) and you're GETTING something else (Being the confidant and adviser) and you allow it, you're allowing yourself to be walked on.

    Until your personal wants in this relationship diminish, it's best your preserve your respect and value by demanding he treat you in a way you want. This allows you to see his reaction and his real intentions for you.

    You did the right thing. Don't give in. You just wont be happy there.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  9. #9
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    I used to get all infatuated with guys (painfully so) until I grew up a lot & realized it was just hormones.

    Do something cool with yourself and meet some new people, I swear he won't seem like the Big Deal he is to you now.

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    Newbie peachness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you really be a good friend to someone you love?

    Thank you, everyone for your input and links (I've read about the ladder theory, but the other link was new)! I know what I need to say to him the next time he comes over and wants to talk about women. It sucks, but I'd rather keep him as a friend at a distance than slowly wither away.

    Things might be workable with an ex now, so I'm hoping that will help diminish the hold he has on me.

    Thanks!

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