This is Magda Carter, a woman who visits strip clubs throughout the world and writes reviews for other women. The Lumberyard is a large, all-nude, all-female, BYOB facility with three levels of wooden floor stages. On the second level, next to the stage, there is a shower stage for novelty, dj-ed shows. All of the patrons who were showered and “tormented” by strippers were male.
Overall, The Lumberyard is female-patron-tolerant, if not female-patron-friendly. For a menial tip (one dollar), dancers tend to give male patrons one of two options: a face-in-crotch or face-in-cleavage experience. For the same or a few dollars more, however, the dancers will disrobe willing female patrons; and in some cases, they will engage in borderline-pornographic activities with said patrons.
I've been to many strip clubs across the country, but have yet to encounter one that involved such friendly contact between dancers and [female] customers. From the perspective of a female patron, one disappointment, was that the $15 cover charge (which applies after 7pm on Fridays and after 5pm on Saturdays) was universal, regardless of the patron's gender.
Generally speaking, female patrons could enter the club and watch the dancing from a distance without having to worry about being hassled by either circulating dancers or other patrons. Circulating dancers primarily focused on male customers, when making their rounds, but my party of three 20 to 30-something females, did have the luxury of being graced with light conversation by one very friendly circulating dancer.
Reviewers complaining about The Lumberyard seem to have the same two complaints: the dancers are overweight and/or rude.
In answer to the charge that the dancers are overweight: We saw 15 dancers this Saturday night, and I took note that 3 were clearly underweight, 6 were slim to average, 3 were above average, and 3 were overweight, though not obese (based on the definition of obesity requiring a BMI of 30 or greater). Even though I tend to prefer watching and interacting with slimmer dancers, my favorite dancer at The Lumberyard was one of the above-average sized ones, named “Brittney.” The more slim girls tended to be more acrobatic on the free standing poles (they were connected to the floor, but free at the top), but there was one of the overweight girls who could climb the pole at least as well as the smaller girls. Interestingly, none of the dancers performed the typical pole-dance routine, which involves quick spinning and acrobatic dismounts. Even still, every one of these girls were incredibly flexible and put on a good show.
In answer to the charge that the dancers are rude: we only experienced rudeness with one dancer. She was an overweight Asian woman with the stage name of “Lilly.” She was late arriving to the stage, after her call, which ought to have been a cue that she is cynical and burnt out on her profession. She wore a long V-neck sweater, with thong bikini bottoms. As soon as she stepped onto the stage, she removed her bikini bottoms, and pulled down the top of her sweater so that the “important bits” were showing. She never did any more stripping beyond that. I thought it was curious that she did not remove her sweater, and determined that maybe it was because she'd had a baby, and had abdominal stretch marks that she did not wish to expose (as there was another dancer who continually wore a bikini top, pulled aside to expose her nipples, but also hide her breast implant scars).
I found Lilly attractive, in part, because I'd created a story in my mind where she was an imperfect woman posing as a man's perfect fantasy. Due to this, I placed a tip on the stage for Lilly, and upon picking up the tip, she guided my hands to her breasts and buttocks, and briefly put my face in her cleavage. She then moved over to my female companions, who were less enthralled with her, and demanded that they tip her. When they shrugged, indicating they weren't interested in a personal interaction, she stopped dancing and told them that where we were sitting (a side of the stage which was almost entirely empty, except for us), was only for tipping customers. We might have accepted this graciously and accommodated, except for the fact that we had been sitting there, not tipping, without difficulty, and we had witnessed plenty of other people sitting around the stage, not tipping, and also not being subjected to harrassment from the dancers.
The general rule of strip clubs is, if there is room, sit at the stage, and if you're interested in the dancer, tip. Just like the fact that it is considered impolite for waitstaff to demand a certain tip, it is also considered impolite for strippers to demand a certain tip. As it happened, I, and one of my companions, ended up having to pay her to get her to leave us alone. After that, we decided it was time to leave.
In spite of the unpleasant end to an otherwise pleasant night, I would recommend The Lumberyard to female patrons. There are two major reasons why women tend to be unwelcome at all-female-dancer clubs. The first, is because the dancers tend to feel threatened by female patrons, and make this apparent. The second, is because male patrons harrass or intimidate female patrons. Neither of these issues seem to be a concern at The Lumberyard, Des Moines. So, Ladies, go and enjoy the view!






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