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Thread: best friend on self destruct

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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default best friend on self destruct

    what would you do if your best friend is on a path of self destruction and won't listen to you when you try to talk to her about it? she binge drinks, parties and gets totally trashed 4-5 nights out of the week, does X and 'shrooms while drinking, drives drunk, goes to random guy's houses, and has few goals in her life other than "maybe have kids and maybe get married and maybe one day go to college". Her life consists of partying most nights of the week, and that is it. I love her to death and very concerned that she is going to self destruct sooner or later if she keeps on this path. She won't listen when I try to talk to her and her family doesnt help (they are out of the picture) and all her other friends encourage this harmful behavior. how can I help her?
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

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    Member mbillie1's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    I've been that friend it's very hard to do as she's unlikely to listen to people who tell her she has a problem with substance abuse until she bottoms out. If you pressure her to cut back she might just start avoiding you / not trusting you. The best thing to do is be there, try to take the initiative and do things with her that are positive (movies, whatever really) and don't involve drinking/drugs.

    For me though, I've crashed and burned two or three times, been arrested, failed out of school, despite having a great group of supportive friends. It's really hard to prevent and painful to watch, I guess my best advice is to avoid losing her by doing what she'll see as "nagging at her," telling her you're worried about her, etc. Just be there and try to get her to spend time with you / doing healthier things, or else be there if/when she hits rock bottom

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    Veteran Member firekitten19's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    I don't know what to say sweetie. You could a) continue to try and help her.
    b) you might have to let her learn her lesson on her own. Still be her friend, but realise she can only get help when she wants to help herself. I hope that your friends get the help she needs.
    I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    really there probably is no way to help. for example, drug addicts or alcoholics can get help for someone else, a family member, SO, or whatever, but it will not work unless they want to get help for them. when i did coke, i had every excuse in the book as to why it was ok. i'm a good student. i only do it at work. if i'm going to do it on the weekends, i might as well go all out and do it all night til the next afternoon. i'm 21 (at the time), at least i'm only responsible for myself and i'm not like some of the girls i know who are in their 30s going home to their kids all coked up. same for drinking.. i was going home to my parents house almost daily when i worked dayshift this summer, absolutely wasted. not a damn thing stopped me til i got a dui. and actually i was still pretty messed up at the time so i drank and drove until the day i got my breathalyzer installed in my car. there was nothing anyone coujld say to me until i decided that i didn't want to do those things anymore. and honestly, people who gave their opinion, there was a good chance i'd get them out of my life. i didnt want to hear that i was doing something wrong.

    the only thing i can think of is to let her know that you can't be a part of her life if she continues on this path. sucks, but what else can you do? sit back and watch her do it to herself? and maybe youll end up not being friends, but that's one of the biggest parts of recovery (going back to the alcoholic/addict example). you need to lose things and really see that what you're going is having a negative impact on your life.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    I've thought about this situation before. I live with my best friend and last year I hit what I hope is a rock bottom in my life in terms of problems with substance abuse and general directionlessness with life.

    I had to understand that myself and put myself through cold turkey and struggling. But when I realized I had a problem, I just didn't want to discuss it with my best friend -- instead I called up a friend of mine who went through NA and she became my confidante for this part of my life. Honestly, having a best friend doesn't mean wanting them to know everything about you; sometimes a best friend is someone you don't want to disappoint.

    If my best friend had ever tried to intervene in my use in any direct way (taking things away from me, being patronizing in talking to me about my decisions, etc) I would have felt very disempowered and insulted. Just having her there to hold my hair whenever I needed was the real support. If someone's on self-destruct they probably know it, and as a best friend you have to be able to be there when they CHOOSE to reach out.

    So yeah, I agree with everyone else in this thread. You kind of just have to watch. Her choices are her decisions and if you can be there when she needs help, then you aren't enabling her... you're being a friend.

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    Senior Member northy's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Take 3 or 4 steps back.... stand behind bullet proof glass... and be there to pick up the pieces after the self destruction

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    zxcire
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by northy View Post
    Take 3 or 4 steps back.... stand behind bullet proof glass... and be there to pick up the pieces after the self destruction
    This is good. Detachment is the best thing, ultimately, one can do with an addict. It sucks to watch, but in trying to help, loved ones usually become ebablers. This just allows an addict to keep on keeping on with their addiction.

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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    this hurts to read, but I guess you are all right and that is what i need to do. I hope she ends up alright but in the end all i can do is be there for her when she needs me.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by rooster470 View Post
    If she's driving drunk I think you should consider calling the cops on her. Maybe a DUI will help her realize the path she's on. Also, it's better she get a DUI then get in an accident and kill herself or someone else. She doesn't even need to know that you called. I know it's a lot easier for me to say this than it is for someone to do it, and i've never been in the situation. But i'd like to think this is what I'd do in the situation.
    um, no. i really, really disagree with this.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by rooster470 View Post
    If she's driving drunk I think you should consider calling the cops on her. Maybe a DUI will help her realize the path she's on. Also, it's better she get a DUI then get in an accident and kill herself or someone else. She doesn't even need to know that you called. I know it's a lot easier for me to say this than it is for someone to do it, and i've never been in the situation. But i'd like to think this is what I'd do in the situation.
    Dude, that's so fucked up. She might just get one on her own anyway. That is such a super-shit thing to do. A DUI is there to punish her, not help her.

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Britt, why do you disagree?

    Its hard to watch the building burn. I can understand from your standpoint that its emotionally draining to watch her destruct. All you can do is offer help and she has to want to help herself.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk View Post
    Britt, why do you disagree?

    Its hard to watch the building burn. I can understand from your standpoint that its emotionally draining to watch her destruct. All you can do is offer help and she has to want to help herself.
    because it's along the same lines of what i said before. it won't help. like i said, i got my dui, and kept driving however the fuck i wanted until i realized how fucked up i was. you know what i asked the cops when i got pulled over? what would happen if i blew and wasnt over the limit. i truly believed they were insane and i wasnt that drunk. plus, i know plenty of people who have multiple duis. you can't get help that will truly work unless YOU want it. i think that would be a low thing to do and kind of an easy way out. you can't force someone to get help. you just can't. and say she did find out that the op called. you think that anger and resentment won't just drive her to drink and party more, stay away from the op, and spend more time with the other, enabling friends?

  13. #13
    zxcire
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Well maybe it's more about protecting the people she might kill than changing her mind in that particular moment.

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    you think that anger and resentment won't just drive her to drink and party more, stay away from the op, and spend more time with the other, enabling friends?
    Yea thats a big probability of what would happen. Unable to cope with friend betraying her will make her cope with substances instead. She couldn't call the cops every time she thought her friend was drunk driving. How frustrating to be in the OP's position.
    you live like an ivy vine
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    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Or you can do what I do. Wrestle her ass to the ground and take her keys. I've done it many times and will do it again, if I am aware that someone I know is about to take the wheel drunk.

    I've even done it to custies in the club, when management was about to let them walk out. They were annoyed with me, but backed me up and called the guy a cab. Idiots, it would have been their liability if the custy had hurt someone!

    This is just what to do in the short-term. I've had to crash on many a friend's couch when I was in no shape to drive.....

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by rooster470 View Post
    If she's driving drunk I think you should consider calling the cops on her. Maybe a DUI will help her realize the path she's on. Also, it's better she get a DUI then get in an accident and kill herself or someone else. She doesn't even need to know that you called. I know it's a lot easier for me to say this than it is for someone to do it, and i've never been in the situation. But i'd like to think this is what I'd do in the situation.

    What the fuck? Who would do something like that!! Talk about bad mojo
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by rooster470 View Post
    ^^^^^
    A good friend doesn't let their friend play russian roulette with her life and the lives of others by driving drunk.
    Which alternative is better? Getting a DUI and maybe a wakeup call. or getting a manslaughter conviction and going to prison for a number of years.
    Whoa ther cowboy. Just because you call in a drunk driver doesn't mean the cops will even respond to you. If you let her walk out of your home, drunk, then call the cops, you have no clue if she is going straight to her house. You may have her license plate number, or do you? If its a busy Saturday night, you may not have an on-duty officer close enough to even stop her.

    The BEST way to prevent her from going to jail for manslaugter is to make damn sure she doesn't get into the car with her keys. I'm a small girl and I've wrestled giant drunk men to the ground to keep them from driving drunk. Your DWI idea is just mean and vengeful. Punishment doesn't necessarily expedite reform. As someone who has seen fellow drug and alcohol abusers receive numerous DUIs, there are far more effective approaches to take.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    The BEST way to prevent her from going to jail for manslaugter is to make damn sure she doesn't get into the car with her keys. I'm a small girl and I've wrestled giant drunk men to the ground to keep them from driving drunk. Your DWI idea is just mean and vengeful. Punishment doesn't necessarily expedite reform. As someone who has seen fellow drug and alcohol abusers receive numerous DUIs, there are far more effective approaches to take.
    Exactly. Getting somebody thrown in jail is just straight up wrong....Jail is not pleasant, let me tell you. How would you feel if something horrible happened to her in jail or she ended up getting busted with drugs on her and she went to jail for a long time? Also, plenty of people with DUIS continue to drink and drive. It's not right, but it's a fact.
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by VegasPrincess View Post
    Exactly. Getting somebody thrown in jail is just straight up wrong....Jail is not pleasant, let me tell you. How would you feel if something horrible happened to her in jail or she ended up getting busted with drugs on her and she went to jail for a long time? Also, plenty of people with DUIS continue to drink and drive. It's not right, but it's a fact.
    yes ma'am. like i said, nothing was stopping me til i stopped drinking and my head was clear ON MY OWN. and had a friend done that to me, i would've fucked myself up even more. it would make things much worse.

  20. #20
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Im sorry you have to deal with this.

    Ive been watching a friend self destuct but in another way....

    Ive had to step back and realize shes going to change when shes ready. Im here for her when she needs me, have a room for her to crash in, but I used to get sick over her choices because I cared sooo much. I had to in a way let her go and try to not care. Its gotten easier over time.

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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    If you have already talked to her about it, then keep your distance from her and don't let her take you down with her ! Sounds harsh but as everyone has mentioned, she will have to hit bottom and find her own reasons for cleaning up her act.

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    God/dess threlayer's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    two words -- TOUGH LOVE

    She will have to find her own bottom, you know. Do you want to be there to pick up the pieces? There may not be much left.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    Quote Originally Posted by papillonluvr View Post
    what would you do if your best friend is on a path of self destruction and won't listen to you when you try to talk to her about it? she binge drinks, parties and gets totally trashed 4-5 nights out of the week, does X and 'shrooms while drinking, drives drunk, goes to random guy's houses, and has few goals in her life other than "maybe have kids and maybe get married and maybe one day go to college". Her life consists of partying most nights of the week, and that is it. I love her to death and very concerned that she is going to self destruct sooner or later if she keeps on this path. She won't listen when I try to talk to her and her family doesnt help (they are out of the picture) and all her other friends encourage this harmful behavior. how can I help her?
    I would set an example. What *I* would do is make my concerns and cares known ONCE in a welcome environment, then, from that point on I would not bring it up unless she did.

    I would maintain and open door policy, but stand firm that her life is her business unless it affects my life. She is always welcome to come chat, and bullshit, but I will not aid in the acts that I have concerns with. I would make sure there is a standing offer for my help within limits and abuse, and that she could depend on me no matter what, but I would also make it clear that where I am headed in my life would be damaged by how she lives hers.

    Chances are, she'll maintain your relationship (as experience has shown ME anywho) and she will be able to see your stability in contrast to her wild and crazy instability. She'll go out with you to dinners and shit, then go crazy with her friends. Soon she'll decide which life is more attractive to her (normally yours) and will slowly migrate to the one she enjoys most.

    It's hard, but we're adults these days, and people learn from mistakes. Not what-ifs.

    But the true test of YOU in this situation, is when she does burn out or fall, is to not be an "I-Told-You-So" about it, and BE there and help her regain stability. Then... THEN... is the only time you can make a higher impact on her, cause she'll realize she can't do that for you.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    its hard to just watch her give her life up like this though. She claims she doesnt care about her own life, as in whether 0r n0t she lives or dies, and that's why she is the way she is.
    i dont want to see her hit rock bottom if i dont have to, but if that is going to take then so be it i guess...
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

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  25. #25
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: best friend on self destruct

    As long as you stay a good, dependable, loving friend in her moments of need, she will never REALLY hit rock bottom, and things will improve!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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