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Thread: should i be upset?

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    Default should i be upset?

    i am sorry that i dropped in on someone elses thread.i am new and didn't know.so here goes.i am married to a man who went out of town to work,he comes home on the week-ends he opened the mail and i noticed that he took some of the mail to the bedroom i didn't think much of it at the time.the next month when the credit card bill came in there was a $500.00 charge on there to a strip club all charged on the same night.first of all he hid it from me,second he tried to tell me that was the only place to get a cash advance to go gambling(it was listed as a charge with a different interest rate from cash advance)finally he said that he had gone to a strip club and spent that money on lap dances(2 for a co-worker)i know that dances don't cost that much.i was upset with him but i think i was more upset over the fact that first he hid it from me and second he lied to me.i am trying not to over react or under react.some feed back would be welcomed.some one said it might have been a champagne room but i have no idea what that is.i am a little confused

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Well, first off you need to be honest with yourself about what with this upsets you. Secondly, you need to talk about this with him openly, and acknowledge that there is, most likely, a very honest reason why he's keeping it from you as unfounded as it may be. (Maybe he was afraid you'd react this way).

    You two need to put it out in the open so you know exactly what it is you're afraid/upset by and tell him, then you will have an honest way of solving this.

    People can get through so many similar situations like this if they just put it out in the open and see if their partner respects their concerns.


    Good luck!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    A "champagne" room means he could have spent an hour with a stripper in a semi-private room in the club. $500 is about right. Usually it would be $400 for an hour in the room, plus a $100 drink minimum. In that room, depending on the club, he might have just talked. Or she might have rubbed her body on his. Or they might have had some sexual contact. Anything is possible from very little to quite a lot depending on the club.

    Strip clubs are expensive, and a customer can drop $500 fairly quickly.

    Do you have a right to be upset? I think so. In the sense that it is your marriage, and the relationship is between you and your man, and nobody else but you two can decide what is and isn't okay. On the other hand, a lot of men go to strip clubs to fulfill some inner fantasy, and it means nothing to them. It is expensive, but otherwise harmless. You could win a battle with him, but lose the war if you are completely unable to see why a guy might go to a strip club, and demean him too much for doing so. Sometimes there is no easy answers.

  4. #4
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    I would be very upset if I found out my guy hid credit card charges or lied to me.
    But...he and I already have our ground rules set for what is and isn't acceptable in a strip club. Had you and your husband set those rules prior to him going out?
    Possibly he hid the charges from you because you guys didn't have any ground rules, and he was worried you might get mad, so he decided to hid it and lie. He was wrong.
    He should have told you before hand what he planned to do, or if not, as soon as possible afterward so you two could discussed it and decided what would be appropriate behaviopr for next time.

    Instead of arguing now, you need to sit down and discuss why he felt the need to lie, and now set the rules for what should be aceptable. Maybe it's ok to go to a strip club but no champaine rooms? Maybe it's ok to go but only spend $100? You need to decide the rules together and then trust he will follow what you both agree on. If he doesn't follow the rules agreed on, or lies again...that's a whole new set of isues.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    i have a weird feeling about this post. i dont feel like this is the appropriate place to ask. this being this forum in general. i dunno, maybe its just me...

  6. #6
    Pamela
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by twohott View Post
    i am sorry that i dropped in on someone elses thread.i am new and didn't know.so here goes.i am married to a man who went out of town to work,he comes home on the week-ends he opened the mail and i noticed that he took some of the mail to the bedroom i didn't think much of it at the time.the next month when the credit card bill came in there was a $500.00 charge on there to a strip club all charged on the same night.first of all he hid it from me,second he tried to tell me that was the only place to get a cash advance to go gambling(it was listed as a charge with a different interest rate from cash advance)finally he said that he had gone to a strip club and spent that money on lap dances(2 for a co-worker)i know that dances don't cost that much.i was upset with him but i think i was more upset over the fact that first he hid it from me and second he lied to me.i am trying not to over react or under react.some feed back would be welcomed.some one said it might have been a champagne room but i have no idea what that is.i am a little confused
    I guess a couple questions would make sense here.

    Would you feel better if the money was dropped in a "Champagne Room?"
    Are you upset either way because he lied and hid it from you?

    Not sure what you want to know actually. However....$500 is nothing to many customers in one night. Some drop a few thousand on one or various dancers in an evening.

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    Banned jasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Yeah, that definitely sounds like a Champagne Room. As for what probably went on, which is why I assume you started this thread... It will vary dramatically from Club to Club and even girl to girl in the same club. Everywhere I've danced though, CR contact was very high.

    If he went with his guy friends a group could have got the CR with a few girls and that is more likely to be a party atmosphere with much lower contact.

    Either way, I do understand your inability to let it go. I would be the same way, especially since he lied.

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    Veteran Member Lapaholic's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    ^^^ Ive spent 500 in a nite just on LDs - and u can buy funny money at clubs for just that purpose, esp if u find the right dancer. Im sure the OP doesnt want to hear that.

    OP, Im with what has been said here, if u dont like him going to clubs, tell him. If u r more upset that he hid it from u, then tell what the ground rules are and what he can spend. And that lying is just not acceptable. Just make sure u set aside some $$$ for yourself for your clubbing needs too.

    Hell we all need to vent sometime....

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    Banned jasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lapaholic;1358266OP
    , Im with what has been said here, if u dont like him going to clubs, tell him.
    Good advice!! My hubby isn't allowed in clubs. I mean I've told him if it was a friends B-day or something it would be ok, but he has never went because he knows I have a problem with it. And if he ever got a lap....GGGRRRR! He'd be cut off till the day he died. Hippocritical of me, I know.

    Jasmine
    Last edited by jasmine; 01-10-2008 at 05:21 PM.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    The issue here isn't strip clubs at all, but rather the full disclosure of your man's financial dealings.

    If you have a problem with strippers and strip clubs, that's one thing, but secretive spending (using unsecured debt, no less) is another entirely.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

  11. #11
    Pamela
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by jasmine View Post
    Good advice!! My hubby isn't allowed in clubs. I mean I've told him if it was a friends B-day or something it would be ok, but he has never went because he knows I have a problem with it. And if he ever got a lap....GGGRRRR! He'd be cut off till the day he died. Hippocritical of me, I know.

    Jasmine
    No really i hear ya.

    I had a bf years ago and told him if i ever seen him in a SC i would kick his fucking ass!!

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    thanks for all the feedback,it helps me to know that i am not alone in feeling a little upset.i am not a prude and i understand about men and their fantasies,what i have the problem with is the lies and the deciet.we have been working on an issue that involves trust(which you probally can guess it was an affair of his)so when this happened it just dredged up all the same old issues.i am not one of these housewives that sit around and eat and tell me husband what to do!!!!i am independent and most of the time pretty open minded so i hope i am not lieing to my self thinking the lies and deciet is what is bothering me.i used to live in another city,managed a hair salon,many of our customers were dancers and i got to be friends with several of them.any how thanks alot for the feedback!!!

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    I suggest you set up a budget for him for stripping....you should also learn to strip for him....also, invite a friend over to strip for him and watch...this should strengthen your relationship.

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by ironmaidern View Post
    I suggest you set up a budget for him for stripping....you should also learn to strip for him....also, invite a friend over to strip for him and watch...this should strengthen your relationship.
    ^^^ I've got to say no to this one. Leave it to the professionals

    Seriously though, a lot of guys go to the SC for a change of pace. It's the new/different woman thing, not the love of erotic dance that brings a lot of guys to the SC. Seeing one's SO strip ... really not the same thing for many of us.

  15. #15
    Alaska
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by twohott View Post
    we have been working on an issue that involves trust(which you probally can guess it was an affair of his)so when this happened it just dredged up all the same old issues.
    Hun! omg. I'm sorry but to me it sounds like you are in denial. It really sucks esp. bc you say yr not a prude and not bossy, and don't sit around doing nothing and getting fat. GRRRR what pigs they can be.

    What are you working on exactly with the trust issues? Learning to trust again I'm assuming, right? Well looking at it from an outside POV......look. He's had an affair already. He just lied to you about money that he spent on strippers. This is not the behavior of men that are happy in their relationships, and the skeptic in me is saying that this will not change. I'd say accept it, or become less attached, or just move on, but those are really all harsh realities and I don't know the 2 of you, but it just sounds like he's not happy whether it's your fault or not, and it doesn't sound like it is. You deserve a man you can be happy with and not have to "work on trust issues" with. I know it's not easy n I'm sorry.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    i got a reply from alaska and you are right on the money.i have been thinking alot about leaving.he says he will never give me a divorce and has gone as far as to plead with me not to leave him.he said he didn't know what made him do it and all he wants is me to trust him and love him like he loves me,but personally i think it is all bs!!!!!it isn't as if he is the only one that has ever shown interest in me,after this one i think i will take some time for just me and work on my self so i don't fall back into the same kind of relationship.i work in an industry where i have contact with men all the time and get hit on,the whole time they have on wedding bands,so i know what bs artist men are.i think i just needed to vent this and have someone validate what i was already thinking.i am glad i was told about this web site so i can get a point of view from the women i guess i felt threatened by.i know that if it hadn't happened with a sc it would have been something else.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    I think you have a good handle on this now twohott. Trust what your heart is telling you, and your gut feeling...not what he's telling you.
    Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
    hb

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by twohott View Post
    he says he will never give me a divorce and has gone as far as to plead with me not to leave him.
    I really have no comment on the rest of the situation, but women don't have to be "given" a divorce by their husbands in this country anymore. I know in Indiana at least, it is "no fault" and either party can get out at any time without any real reason. Fuck him for speaking to you like that. He needs to educate himself as to the ways of the 21st century.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    I agree with what Alaska said.

    In a good strong relationship, you should not have to "work on" trust. You deserve to be happy. It's time that you be honest with yourself and your husband, decide if this relationship is what you really want. My guess is no. Neither of you sound happy. Be true to yourselves and find the man who will give you the love and respect you deserve. Let him go so he can do the same. If you stay together you'll be denying yourselves the happiness you deserve.

    I wouldn't care if my man went out with the guys to a club. I mean, he'll come back from Vegas and tell me what clubs he and his buddies went to. It's totally fine with me. Maybe because I'm a dancer and I "get it". The only thing that bothers me is that I want to go to some Vegas clubs and have some fun too. I've never been in a Vegas club!! It would be fun for us to go together!

    But it would bother me if he started roaming around to other clubs solo. And hid it from me. Yeah. That would bother me.

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    Senior Member Miaowren's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Every time you post something my confidence in you grows by leaps and bounds. You know which direction is up and you don't need our reassurance. Quit letting him fill your head with shit and you'll be absolutely sweet.

    Seriously though, is he manipulating you?? Because it really has that kind of feel... huh?

    "Will never give you a divorce."
    Erm wtf...?
    It's not a fucking gift, mate.

    (I actually know two men that are each unaware his has taken place... and in both cases she has even remarried. So yeah - that's how much one persons opinion about the whole thing really counts...)

    Personally I'd tell him to get a cock up his ass, but that's just me So, just phrase it however you please, I guess?

    *On preview - looks like it's not just me that didn't take kindly to the idea that he feels he can just refuse to 'give' you a divorce. wtf?? I am just smirking my ass off about that. Ha ha.. omg.

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    I would be pissed off if my SO spent that much money at a SC.

    I am a stripper and I dont care if its hypocritical or not but I dont want my SO to go to sc's. If he went on a bucks night I wouldnt mind and he could tip girls on stage but if he got a lap dance I would be pissed off.

    From the OP's perspective she is not a stripper so I imagine it would be even worse to picture her husband getting dances off naked women and wondering how much contact there was, how turned on he got etc.

    basically I dont blame you one bit for being upset, I would be too.
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    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
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    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Veteran Member Lapaholic's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Jaizaine, Im gonna play DEvil's Advocate here.... IN the whole realm of bad things a guy can do, isnt visiting a SC pretty low on the list. ( Now Im not excusing lying, or getting extras nor am i commenting on the OP's situation).... Just a nite at a club with a few lapdances and some drinks. JUst curious !!!

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    Banned jasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lapaholic View Post
    Jaizaine, Im gonna play DEvil's Advocate here.... IN the whole realm of bad things a guy can do, isnt visiting a SC pretty low on the list. ( Now Im not excusing lying, or getting extras nor am i commenting on the OP's situation).... Just a nite at a club with a few lapdances and some drinks. JUst curious !!!

    I know you ask Jaizaine, but I thought I would chime in.

    Yes, cheating or losing all our money on something stupid like gambling would be much, much worse. But, after all, those are "Go straight to divorce, do not pass Go" type of offenses.

    However, having a random naked girl grind on his cock, giving him an erection, while he is imagining fucking her, and probably groping her ass and tits and nuzzling all over her is not a small offense. It's more of a rip his balls off offense.

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    Veteran Member Lapaholic's Avatar
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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    ^^^ Ouch!!!! Divorce mite be less painful

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    Default Re: should i be upset?

    Quote Originally Posted by jasmine View Post
    However, having a random naked girl grind on his cock, giving him an erection, while he is imagining fucking her, and probably groping her ass and tits and nuzzling all over her is not a small offense. It's more of a rip his balls off offense.
    First of all, I don't know what kind of strip clubs you're used to where the girls are grinding cock, getting their tits and asses groped, and licked by the customers all night long....but that's certainly not where I danced.

    Furthermore, if getting a lapdance is such a grevious offense, how do you justify in your mind being a stripper?
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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