Lately, the only thing that makes me relaxed is smoking a little marijuana. I live in portland, it's practically legal here. I don't like myself at all when I'm not a little bit high (not completely stoned out of my mind, just a little subdued)- because due to all the crazy things I've been doing for the last two months- traveling with my boyfriend, living at random places with random friends/family all around the US, staying with my family over the holidays, and most recently- coming back to portland and running around trying to find a place to live within a week... I have been absolutely intolerable.
I worry about everything, I nit-pick everything, I'm a perfectionist, I have extremely high expectations (i was so motivated to find a place for us to live that was a. cat friendly b. extremely close to downtown c. under 600/month, that i found a place in 5 days due to obsessively checking craigslist and running around like a maniac applying for places). I was intolerable, I know- but I was the one who had to find the place because he has lived off the grid his entire life and has no credit and no rental history- so we had to put it in my name- so I was feeling a little resentful that i had to do all the work.
So i realized today, that what works to make the panicky, stressed, anxious, unhappy, miserable, perfectionist with a vengeance, insane version of me go away (or at least be sedated) is to drink lots of kava kava tea and smoke marijuana.
But that in itself as a solution makes me feel bad, because it works SO well. I don't want to have to be dependent on anything to make me feel happy and normal. I won't take prescription meds for my anxiety/occasional intense mood swings- so my choices are all herbal.
Does anyone know any other cures for my problem? If I went to a psychiatrist they'd probably label me bipolar and with some kind of anxiety disorder (i have panic attacks sometimes)-- but I refuse to take medication, because I know i can learn to control my mind, with a little herbal help along the way.
I've heard 5-htp is good, but I haven't really read much about it. I've tried st. john's wort- didn't do anything. I've tried exercising more to get rid of the excess stress but that just makes me worse because i become OCD and perfectionist about exercising and work myself into insanity. Kava kava works temporarily, as does marijuana (very small amounts), but there has to be something else that has more long lasting effects than tea and pot.
anyone?


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