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Thread: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

  1. #26
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Yeah, much of it has been said. There are many reasons to not do dinner on a first date.

    (1) Online dating - you've never met the person before, a quick meeting intially in a very public place is better than a long evening.

    (2) Romance - from what little I've gathered over the years, most women prefer romance in a relationship, but not as much before there is a relationship. When it comes before the relationship, the words "creepy," "stalker," or "desperate" are used. First dates are for casual fun and seeing if there is a connection. Nice romantic dinners are for date #2 or #3.

    (3) Coming on too strong - because of #1 and #2, dinner on a first date can be seen as "coming on too strong," which appears weak, desperate/eager, or lacking in confidence; all of which are death to the possibility of a relationship.

    (4) Too Long - you might not click, and now you're stuck together for a while.

    (5) Money - Personally I think $80 is a minor sum of money to invest in the possibility of a relationship, but then I get a date less often than we elect a new president. If this were a weekly thing, I'd think differently.
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  2. #27
    Featured Member aviendha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    You know, for every "nice guy" I've ever read who complained about women not respecting them or being attracted to their passivity or lack of assertiveness, I've read about a hundred rants, jokes and even *perfectly serious* advice to treat women like walking, breathing orifices. Especially "nice guys" who 'flipped' because they got more pussy because they started treating women like holes instead of people. As a woman, you're constantly dealing with one of two types:

    1) The kind who tries to trick you into bed with surface charm and once the sex is over, ends up being the type of guy who pretends that you are not even capable of the power of speech, much less that any aspect of your person or personality other than your vagina is worthy of the slightest acknowledgment,

    Or:

    2) The kind who tries to trick you into bed by pretending to be all vulnerable and romantic and interested (because chicks dig that), and once the sex is over, ends up being the type of guy who pretends that you are not even capable of the power of speech, much less that any aspect of your person or personality other than your vagina is worthy of the slightest acknowledgment.

    And sorry, but for every "nice guy" who gets 'flipped' into being an asshole because he got sick of being mistreated by women who misinterpreted his intentions, there are about a thousand women who have ended up with Mr. 1 or Mr. 2 about a zillion times and are now on to the whole strategy "being even remotely decent = trap to get you into bed and leave". So when a guy comes along who, if he doesn't openly act like a shithead (and surprisingly a lot of guys do), acts decently, we instantly think, "Aha, trap. I ain't fallin' for that again." And since some guys can be REALLY tricky about playing the whole "sincere interest" game for days, weeks, even MONTHS at a time, it can take quite a while before we begin to think you really MIGHT be sincere, not just waiting to spring the door shut.

  3. #28
    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    I'm with Jenny. I have panic attacks at the idea of eating in front of people, particularly strangers. If a guy asks me to dinner, I'm going to ask him to do something else.

    But that also past experience coming through... Of all the guys who took me to dinner on the first date, only ONE felt I haven't "owed" him something, and been QUITE pushy with the touching. I'd rather just meet for coffee, and then at least there's nothing for him to hold over my head. not to mention the whole "less time spent with someone you have no chemistry with" thing.

    The one thing i DO like about dinner dates, is that they make me feel pampered and special, in a way a coffee date doesnt.
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  4. #29
    Featured Member aviendha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Heh. I have a surefire way to keep guys from holding the "You owe me" card over my head: I pay.

  5. #30
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Quote Originally Posted by aviendha View Post
    And since some guys can be REALLY tricky about playing the whole "sincere interest" game for days, weeks, even MONTHS at a time, it can take quite a while before we begin to think you really MIGHT be sincere, not just waiting to spring the door shut.
    That's easily solved by waiting many, many months. The truly nice ones will wait and build a relationship with you. The "playas" will move on to more immediate sex opportunities soon enough.
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    Featured Member aviendha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    I'm not going to hang around "many, many" months trying to figure out if a guy is a jerk. I'm not going to waste that kind of time. I prefer to just assume he is one, and make my decisions from there. 90% of the time, I'll be right anyway; the other 10%, if he's serious, HE can convince ME.

  7. #32
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Oh. The decent 10% probably wouldn't appreciate being treated like the jerk-y 90% though, and would be driven away by it. I'm guessing if a potential date told you that he'd dated lots of awful women in the past, assumed you're one of them, then told you to prove you're not that you'd run from him as fast as possible (as well you should). I see your dilemma.
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    I don't understand the whole nice guy/ asshole thing. What is so hard about finding a balance? No, I don't want a guy who cries more than I do or who lets me walk all over him. I also don't want a guy who has no feelings (or respect for mine) at all. They both totally lose and I don't put up with either of those scenarios.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  9. #34
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    one guy explained to me that coffee for the first date is the perfect date because it's inexpensive, coffee explains a lot about a person, there's lots of different types of coffeehouses to choose, and it's a quick date- it could last hours if there's good conversation, or it could be 15 minutes if it's not working out. It's like test driving a car before you buy it, or at least that's how he put it.

  10. #35
    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Quote Originally Posted by aviendha View Post
    Heh. I have a surefire way to keep guys from holding the "You owe me" card over my head: I pay.
    I've tried that, it always ends in a battle of wills that ruins whatever rapport there WAS. Nowadays, I bring my purse and get out my payment, but if he tells me to put it away, i protest once, and then do it. I have better things for a battle of wills over.

    But yeah, who the heck wants to wait months to get what SHOULD be a basic measure of someones personality. Seems lame.
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  11. #36
    242_fair
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    It should be a basic expectation that he buys a 5* meal and really tries to woo you... I mean, we are strippers, most of use are hot and can have our pick of men.

    They should be able to get it together enough to put on an outfit and show up in a decent (clean) car and take you to a good meal.

    If that's asking too much, you may be dealing with an emotional 5 year old.

    And everyone on here is worth this at a minimum (way minimum).

  12. #37
    Veteran Member Scotty Pogo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Quote Originally Posted by aviendha View Post
    You know, for every "nice guy" I've ever read who complained about women not respecting them or being attracted to their passivity or lack of assertiveness, I've read about a hundred rants, jokes and even *perfectly serious* advice to treat women like walking, breathing orifices. Especially "nice guys" who 'flipped' because they got more pussy because they started treating women like holes instead of people. As a woman, you're constantly dealing with one of two types:

    1) The kind who tries to trick you into bed with surface charm and once the sex is over, ends up being the type of guy who pretends that you are not even capable of the power of speech, much less that any aspect of your person or personality other than your vagina is worthy of the slightest acknowledgment,

    Or:

    2) The kind who tries to trick you into bed by pretending to be all vulnerable and romantic and interested (because chicks dig that), and once the sex is over, ends up being the type of guy who pretends that you are not even capable of the power of speech, much less that any aspect of your person or personality other than your vagina is worthy of the slightest acknowledgment.

    And sorry, but for every "nice guy" who gets 'flipped' into being an asshole because he got sick of being mistreated by women who misinterpreted his intentions, there are about a thousand women who have ended up with Mr. 1 or Mr. 2 about a zillion times and are now on to the whole strategy "being even remotely decent = trap to get you into bed and leave". So when a guy comes along who, if he doesn't openly act like a shithead (and surprisingly a lot of guys do), acts decently, we instantly think, "Aha, trap. I ain't fallin' for that again." And since some guys can be REALLY tricky about playing the whole "sincere interest" game for days, weeks, even MONTHS at a time, it can take quite a while before we begin to think you really MIGHT be sincere, not just waiting to spring the door shut.
    Oh, I agree. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Guys are idiots We're idiots. I'm an idiot. I tried the asshole thing, and didn't like it (that's for you to believe, and I won't try to convince for the reasons you stated, heh), and I didn't give up mostly because of women, I gave up because guys like the ones you described have given me such a bad name by simply having a penis, that I just be myself, and if you happen to like me, wanna date me, or whatever, then bonus for me. If not, I'll still try to make you laugh a lot.
    Why So Serious?

  13. #38
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    One thing I've noticed, GreenId, is that we don't use the word "date" anymore as much as we do the word "see". I'm "seeing" someone. It is a passive word which, as has been pointed out here, indicates that you don't really need to commit. There are probably some deep reasons for this...men feel like they have a lot of options now--their eyes are flickering around for the next opportunity, so it is better to have an escape hatch when needed. I think that is what is behind not doing dinner, quite honestly...it is easier and less of an obligation to "do lunch". Also, it is less of an obvious thing--the man doesn't have to take it so hard if he is rejected for lunch; being rejected for dinner is a pretty clear indication that the woman wants nothing to do with him.

    To me it is all kind of sad. I don't want to live without passion, even if it means I have to put myself out there and take chances and sometimes be rejected. Passivity seems to be like traveling on a bus and just seeing the sights. It is safe, but where is the emotion?

    So--dinner is okay with me, anytime.
    Good points my man. For me, lunch is the new dinner....he can like, show that he can buy you a meal, and you can make up many more excuses than you can at dinner about not going immediately back to his place, or anywhere else for that matter. But this is for the guys you'd rather just have coffee and drinks with, like the ones you meet off the internet. I'd prefer dinner any other time probably.

  14. #39
    Featured Member aviendha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do guys not take women to dinner on first dates anymore?

    I agree that there are definitely better battles than "who pays for the first date", and more often than not, I do the same as Needtodance--I get out my money and if the man insists on paying, I put it away. (But I am *prepared* to pay, it's not just a formality on my part.)

    Anyway, and maybe I'm giving women more credit than is due here, I think that after a certain point you just develop jerk-dar and can typically sense when someone is being himself and has a sincere interest, and when they have an agenda. Unfortunately obtaining that superpower requires getting duped a number of times in a number of different scenarios, hence my rather obvious ire at the whole "nice guy" thing.

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