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Thread: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    A while back, I wrote about the cousin of mine that excluded me from her wedding.
    She invited all 4 of my other siblings, even though she'd been closest to me while growing up(mostly because my siblings are a lot younger than her). If none of my siblings were invited either, I wouldn't regard it as anything personal that I wasn't invited, but that is NOT the case. And I didn't do anything wrong! Geez I saw her maybe twice in the prior 6 years(due to family rift between my mom and aunt) and we had a seemingly good, polite conversation both of those times. I wrote that I felt cheated, devalued, and snubbed. I also wrote that my dad agreed that it was a rude thing for my cousin to do(yet he still attended the wedding with my siblings). My dad and I thought that perhaps my grandmother(the one I share with my cousin) had some considerable influence on my cousin not inviting me.

    Well here's an update: I did the assertive thing as everybody(SW, other sites, close friends, etc) told me to do, and called my cousin to ask her why I wasn't invited and if I had done anything to offend her. She was friendly and polite when I talked to her. I made sure I was very calm and polite in the way I spoke, without sounding angry or "victim-like." When I first introduced myself to her on the phone, she said a huge "HIIIII!!" like she always did when we were friends growing up. When I asked her about the lack of invite, she seemed a bit uncomfortable and claimed that she told our grandmother to tell my dad to tell me to come to it.

    In reality, my grandmother told my dad to HIDE the wedding from me because she knew that I would feel offended at being excluded, and she wanted to spare my dad from having to hear me complain(even though I'd be justified to do just that). I calmly explained this to my cousin in less words, along with calming expressing that I felt hurt and left to feel like I'd offended people when I didn't remember doing anything wrong, and she beat around the bush by saying, "Uh, I guess that's between you and Grandma." I didn't want to look like I was badgering her, especially if perhaps she didn't know anything beyond that, so we moved on to talking about our jobs and lives in general for around 5 mins. I do wonder if perhaps she was only talking to be merely polite/cordial, since she kept saying "very good" after every sentence or two that I said. But hey, she was willing to talk to me and she was nice about it, so I don't think I did too badly! My friends said they were proud of me for being maturely assertive about the whole thing, instead of shying away from it.

    Do you think I should consult my grandmother about this? I'm thinking of approaching my grandmother in the same calm, polite, concerned manner. I had called my grandmother twice in recent months just to talk and make conversation, since I realize that my grandmother's years of life are limited and I'd like to be on good terms with her(along with the rest of my family). How should I handle this? I want to avoid this from happening again in the future when one of my other cousins on that side of the family gets married. I also take my disinvite as a sign that my grandmother doesn't like me or at least some aspect of my character, and I want to change that so my family is supportive.

    Goddamit, if boys can take the side of a cheating brother that they didn't even bother to associate with for most of his life, I want my family to support me when I haven't even done anything wrong to deserve snubbery!!

  2. #2
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Seriously.

    Learn to live life and have fun.

    You let all of these events affect you way too much.

    Every time something happens, you are the sole victim and "did nothing to deserve this". I'm willing to bet that they would disagree with you, they just won't tell you because you seem to never be able to let things go. Perhaps that is why people seem to be constantly shunning you? They just want some peace and quiet and not have to constantly deal with drama because life is not perfect for you.

    Just ask why you weren't invited. Get to the point and find out, if they lie, they lie. Then move on. I can only imagine how much stress you live with every day, and I feel sorry for you for it and just hope that things will get better and you can learn to just have fun with life and not dwell on all of the negative things.

    I would seriously love to see a post from you twice as long as these with nothing but praise about how good life is for you.
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  3. #3
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    Every time something happens, you are the sole victim and "did nothing to deserve this". I'm willing to bet that they would disagree with you, they just won't tell you because you seem to never be able to let things go. Perhaps that is why people seem to be constantly shunning you? They just want some peace and quiet and not have to constantly deal with drama because life is not perfect for you.
    My dad and I already have a few reasons thought up as to why my grandmother might not have wanted me at the wedding. Most of these reasons involve miscommunciation or accidental misperceptions that my grandma had of me until very very recently.

    One of the big reasons is probably also because my grandmother was the main motivator in telling my mom to kick me out during a time that I was having a hard time finding a job that paid something resembling a "real" wage that I could actually pay rent on(kicking me out left me with the choice to either become a stripper or become homeless). Some of this was due to my grandmother's dislike for the past arguments I had with my mom; some of this was due to my grandmother misunderstanding me. Being from a very different generation than I, it was hard for her to understand today's job market or the fact that despite trying really hard at my min wage job, there was no way I was able to get my own apartment when I was only earning $100-200/week.

    And yeah, you are right that my grandmother just wanted "peace and quiet" for herself and also for my dad...that's the reason she told my dad not to tell me about the wedding, for fear that I would get upset that I wasn't invited and then my dad would be subjected to it...which I think is rude and hypocritical. If she really cared that much about preventing complaints/whining, then she shouldn't have excluded me from the wedding at all, especially since the wedding wasn't even hers.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    Just ask why you weren't invited. Get to the point and find out, if they lie, they lie. Then move on. I can only imagine how much stress you live with every day, and I feel sorry for you for it and just hope that things will get better and you can learn to just have fun with life and not dwell on all of the negative things.
    Okay so now we're getting some answers. What you just wrote is pretty much what I was going to do anyway. It's the same exact way that I dealt with my cousin...got to the point, stayed calm and polite, moved on. I don't complain about my cousin to my friends the way I used to, back before I called her...so obviously I have started to move on, now that I have piece of mind of knowing that she doesn't totally hate me. I'd like to have that piece of mind with my grandmother and essentially the whole situation...and prevent this from happening again.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    I would seriously love to see a post from you twice as long as these with nothing but praise about how good life is for you.
    Okay I have seasonal depression due to this cold weather, so that is part of the reason why I haven't been writing a lot of happy things lately. I do talk about nothing but happy fun things at the strip club or when I'm out with my friends...but then again, the strip club manager is always scolding me for talking about subjects that are "too perverted"(e.g., how well-endowed the hot guy is that I just met) with my coworkers or for being too loud and ecstatic LOL, so maybe that's not such a good thing either.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    I try to live life by a few key morals/codes/sayings.

    Right now, my favorite saying that applies is, "It's not worth making time for people who won't make time for you."

    You will make it through this stuff, a lot of us have already. If you ever need someone to chat with about it and talk things over with, let me know, I'll do what I can to help.
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  5. #5
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    "Let things go, let things go"...oh yeah it's sooo easy to just let things go(sarcasm). Let's just review how well that went in the past. Hmmm there was the time that my mom kicked me to the curb(influenced highly by the same grandma, I later found out) -- which gave me the choice to either become a stripper or homeless. But I "let that go" and didn't bother them about it or demand that my mom hear my side of the story. A year later when my mom was in her deathbed and I finally told her just SOME of my side of the story, she profusely apologized and told me that I really shoulda approached her about this sooner. That's when she confessed that my grandmother had peer pressured her into kicking me out. Ohhh but I was trying to "let it go" and avoid "bothering" her.

    There were a few jobs that didn't pay me(e.g., Giant Food Store never paid me for my first 2 days of work)...I would passively "let it go," even though I'd worked my butt off and really needed that money for things like rent or car inspection. There's plenty of other examples but I really don't feel like getting into it and you probably already get the idea.

    I'm trying to CHANGE things and maybe even FIX things. For every reason that people have for doing something unpleasant, there's something that I can do differently to either rectify things or prevent the same thing from happening in the future with someone else. Or...I can just let it go and let things keep happening the way they've been happening to me over the past 25 yrs.

  6. #6
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    I try to live life by a few key morals/codes/sayings.

    Right now, my favorite saying that applies is, "It's not worth making time for people who won't make time for you."

    You will make it through this stuff, a lot of us have already. If you ever need someone to chat with about it and talk things over with, let me know, I'll do what I can to help.
    Thanks and I appreciate it. If my grandmother doesn't want anything to do with me, then perhaps it is best to not make time for her. But I'd prefer not to think that way about my family, so if there's a chance that I can get to the bottom of my grandmother's beef with me and fix it, I will. Like I mentioned before...if it's "okay" for Ed and Jay to adamantly take the side of a half brother they didn't even want to talk to only a month prior, then I should want to take the side -- or have my side taken by -- my OWN family, right?

  7. #7
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    One of the big reasons is probably also because my grandmother was the main motivator in telling my mom to kick me out during a time that I was having a hard time finding a job that paid something resembling a "real" wage that I could actually pay rent on(kicking me out left me with the choice to either become a stripper or become homeless). Some of this was due to my grandmother's dislike for the past arguments I had with my mom; some of this was due to my grandmother misunderstanding me. Being from a very different generation than I, it was hard for her to understand today's job market or the fact that despite trying really hard at my min wage job, there was no way I was able to get my own apartment when I was only earning $100-200/week.
    Read this over and over until it's imprinted on your brain pan. WHY are you caring about staying cordial with a woman who prompted your own mother to boot you out into the street? Jesus.

    I have to be rude in this case and I try hard not to be. Forget about her, enjoy your life, and when she's gone you can make amends with other family members.

    Meanwhile, I'm sure grandma will miss you eventually....One less person to change her diaper and bring her tea when she's at death's door.

  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    Read this over and over until it's imprinted on your brain pan. WHY are you caring about staying cordial with a woman who prompted your own mother to boot you out into the street? Jesus.

    I have to be rude in this case and I try hard not to be. Forget about her, enjoy your life, and when she's gone you can make amends with other family members.

    Meanwhile, I'm sure grandma will miss you eventually....One less person to change her diaper and bring her tea when she's at death's door.
    Yeah but I'd like to think and hope that maybe my grandmother made a mistake. I'd like to think that maybe the reason my grandmother misjudged me is because I wasn't assertive enough to defend myself or communicate clear enough with her...not because she's an evil person. Maybe I'm blaming myself too much here. I have a habit of constantly blaming all of my troubles on my (prior) lack of assertiveness. (I didn't become more outspoken until a year ago)

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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Awww, hon....*hugs*

    Despite whatever family connection there is, you can only try so hard. Some people are just assholes...I have two in my family! You handled yourself well in tyring to get to the bottom of the matter. I believ after so many attempts to fix a family issue, if the other party isn't budging, screw them and just live on and be happy. Its hard, but it does get easier.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Like I mentioned before...if it's "okay" for Ed and Jay to adamantly take the side of a half brother they didn't even want to talk to only a month prior, then I should want to take the side -- or have my side taken by -- my OWN family, right?
    You are talking about absolutes here. This is a bit obsessive over these issues. Its understandable for people to immediately side with friends/family. That doesn't mean that it is a given that it will always happen.

    Its also understandable to want your family's support and love. However, in this case it seems this. Its obvious to me that they know you'll obsess over things and just dig and dig and dig and dig until you get the answer you want to hear. That answer is there, it just more than likely isn't what you want to hear.

    Now you can kindly ask them why an event happened, however, if they don't want to tell you, then they don't want to tell you. You obsessing over it and digging until you find "the truth" (which at times may be made up just to shut you up), will only cause a rift (or a bigger rift) between you and the people you are dealing with.

    If your kind assertion doesn't get you the answer that you want, then its best to just accept that said people aren't as supportive of you as you'd want or like. That to me is better than digging for the absolute truth and driving them away forever just so you had your closure on a long past issue.

    I think you are at a crossroads where you might have to stop and think to yourself, is it really me? Are you and your actions the underlying cause of events as opposed to a simple victim? I've had to do this many times, and I've almost always found that at least in some small part, I am to blame for certain things, not others. You need to just meditate on this and see what you can come up with. Don't just assume that you are always right and/or the victim. Since its not always the case with anything.
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  11. #11
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Here's my grandmother's situation: She grew up without a dad(her parents divorced), her own mother died when she was 16, and she was unable to go live with her older sister or brother because they were already married and settled down with their own families. Personally I think that's pretty scummy that her own siblings didn't offer to let their own baby sister stay with them...I mean, she was only 16! So as a result, my grandmother dropped out of high school and worked her carousel job on the boardwalk(she lived at the Jersey shore) to support herself. This was back in 1942. Back then, you could work a min wage job and be able to support yourself. People also got married at younger ages too, which made things easier for the woman because it meant being able to rely on the husband's income from a presumably more skilled job than a carousel...my grandmother got married at 24, which is younger than I am right now.

    Unfortunately, in today's society min wage is NOT a "living wage" and it is near-
    impossible to survive on it without social aide(Medicaid, Welfare, etc) or relying on someone else(parents, having ample roommates to split rent with, etc). But it is hard for someone that survived against all odds in the 1940s to understand this. It is also hard for my grandmother to understand how someone "so smart" like me -- who slid through high school with A's and even went to college! -- couldn't find a prestigious, high-paying job, when people in the 1950s were getting by and raising families quite fine without even needing to attend college.

  12. #12
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    I think you are at a crossroads where you might have to stop and think to yourself, is it really me? Are you and your actions the underlying cause of events as opposed to a simple victim? I've had to do this many times, and I've almost always found that at least in some small part, I am to blame for certain things, not others. You need to just meditate on this and see what you can come up with. Don't just assume that you are always right and/or the victim. Since its not always the case with anything.
    I already mentioned this and I'll mention it again: I am convinced that the reason for almost all of my past problems in life was my unassertiveness. Unassertiveness and lack of clear communication. When people blamed me for something, I wasn't quick to defend myself...if anything, I started convincing myself that maybe they were right to blame me for something I didn't do! When I was in middle school, my parents were convinced that I was "shady" or "hiding something," merely because I spent my days quietly in my room by myself instead of being more communicative and social. When my mom kicked me out, I didn't demand that she listen to what I had to say...I didn't tell her all the hardships I was going through(e.g., being outside at 5 degrees Fahrenheit in the cold, frantically calling M--k on my cell phone to guilt trip him into letting me stay at his place because I had nowhere to go)...and as a result, I got the "why didn't you tell me this before?" line from my mom when I finally admitted these things to her. That "why didn't you tell me this before" line is THE #1 pet peeve that I have, mostly because I've heard this line so many goddam times in the past from so many people, after getting in trouble for something as a result of not speaking up.

  13. #13
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    ..I didn't tell her all the hardships I was going through(e.g., being outside at 5 degrees Fahrenheit in the cold, frantically calling M--k on my cell phone to guilt trip him into letting me stay at his place because I had nowhere to go)

    I got the "why didn't you tell me this before?" line from my mom when I finally admitted these things to her. That "why didn't you tell me this before" line is THE #1 pet peeve that I have, mostly because I've heard this line so many goddam times in the past from so many people, after getting in trouble for something as a result of not speaking up.
    When people say "why didn't you tell me before?" this is bullshit. What person with a halfway functional brain doesn't realize a young person without help from supportive people is going to struggle to get by unless they have a decent-paying job? Anyone with an IQ over 70 can understand the phrase "Wages not keeping up with inflation."

    IMO the best thing that ever happened to you is that these people put you in a position to not need them, because you deserve better. You're obviously smart and hardworking.

    Go find some people who deserve you.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    We've also mentioned in countless threads about how you need to stop being as obsessive as you are and just go and live life.

    I don't quite see as to why your biggest pet peeve is hearing "why didn't you tell me this before". Since quite frankly you should have. So I definitely see where they are coming from.

    I always strive to tell be honest and not hide anything, if something is bugging me I say it. Something I think you could benefit from doing if you aren't already. Also, I'd stop blaming everything on something. Blame (no matter who, what, when or where we pin it on) is not going to solve anything. Best to just go forward from now, have fun and enjoy life, be honest and speak up.

    Try not to get upset at them saying you should have told them, because quite frankly, you should have. Though it always takes everyone a while to learn that. But that is in the past. So just tell them from now on and things will pick up. If they don't, then move on.

    If you notice, a lot of times we could almost Copy/Paste our responses to these crises of yours in all the new threads that pop up. Yet you consistently find the something to examine and come back with your own rebuttal restating something that's been previously stated.

    I'm beginning to think that you are a bit of an obsessive compulsive person. You either don't tell anyone anything, or constantly bombard them with questions until you get every last ounce of information form them. From one extreme to the other. There is such a thing as being OVER Assertive.

    We have told you what we think will be an effective solution to the situation. Granted the outcomes vary from perfect harmony with your family and friends after confrontation to not being able to speak to them because they did not agree with your views, and any manner in between.

    The key point is, sit back, meditate on what we have said and either use the advice or not. However if you are not going to use the advice, just remember that we'll probably give the same advice with the next crisis that arises.

    As hard/harsh/tough as it sounds, just worrying less, obsessing less, and making sure that you are having fun in life, will be the much better road to take as you look back at all of this.
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  15. #15
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    When people say "why didn't you tell me before?" this is bullshit. What person with a halfway functional brain doesn't realize a young person without help from supportive people is going to struggle to get by unless they have a decent-paying job? Anyone with an IQ over 70 can understand the phrase "Wages not keeping up with inflation."

    IMO the best thing that ever happened to you is that these people put you in a position to not need them, because you deserve better. You're obviously smart and hardworking.

    Go find some people who deserve you.
    I do agree with you that these people must be somewhat brainless not to see the difficulties I was having, but...my grandmother comes from a very different generation. I don't think she understands what it means to say "wages not keeping up with inflation," considering that she's been a stay-at-home wife since the year 1950, when she got married. All she sees is her husband(my grandfather) who was able to land a chemistry job requiring a college degree, despite him never having attended college(my grandfather is VERY smart). She sees how scrimping and saving allowing them to succeed in the end(whereas with today's min wage jobs, you can save all you want but if you're not making enough money, there's nothing you can do but try to make more money). She sees me -- a "very smart girl" as she always says -- getting A's in college with no struggle yet having a struggle to find a job afterwards.

    I'm not trying to defend my grandmother 100%...I'm just trying to point out that a lot of old people are in fact out-of-sync with the way the job market works today. So perhaps part of it(not all of it, just part) WAS due to misunderstanding/miscommunication.

  16. #16
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    We've also mentioned in countless threads about how you need to stop being as obsessive as you are and just go and live life.

    I don't quite see as to why your biggest pet peeve is hearing "why didn't you tell me this before". Since quite frankly you should have. So I definitely see where they are coming from.
    I agree with you AND I agree with Maxine. I think that sometimes saying "why didn't you tell me this before" is an excuse, a way to play dumb. I also agree with you that maybe some people DON'T know your situation unless you speak up and blatantly, forthrightly tell them. As my guy friend Revolution frequently says, "There's no such thing as overcommunication." (well actually there is, but I think the saying is meant in moderation)


    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    I always strive to tell be honest and not hide anything, if something is bugging me I say it. Something I think you could benefit from doing if you aren't already. Also, I'd stop blaming everything on something. Blame (no matter who, what, when or where we pin it on) is not going to solve anything. Best to just go forward from now, have fun and enjoy life, be honest and speak up.
    I agree, and that's why I made my birthday resolution in 2006 to be more assertive. At first it wasn't going all that well...I was still making the same errors in not speaking up enough, and it was affecting things like job promotions, my strip club earnings, and my sanity with my messy roommate.

    A few months later, the whole ordeal with Dipshit occured(you remember this from the other thread I started earlier today). Because I didn't speak up and confront him about being aloof, and most likely dump him right then and there, I missed out on spending a holiday with a better guy(instead, I waited it out and didn't "get any" during that time, since getting some from another guy while I was still technically with Dipshit woulda been cheating). You cannot imagine how cheated/disrespected I felt when I found out that all this time that I was being passive, Dipshit was getting some from someone else! It wasn't about affection/heartbreak(I had none of that)...it was about disrespect and an ego bust. The mere idea that he was "getting some" over holiday weekend while I was passively staying celibate just for the sake of not "cheating"(I coulda gotten some from my well-endowed guy friend, but I held out), was sooooo excruciatingly frustrating for me! That was the event that made me go through a break-out very similar to Jim Carey's character in Me Myself & Irene. I became an over assertive asshole and have been trying to keep being very assertive ever since.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    If you notice, a lot of times we could almost Copy/Paste our responses to these crises of yours in all the new threads that pop up. Yet you consistently find the something to examine and come back with your own rebuttal restating something that's been previously stated.
    I thought we already concluded that I was going to approach my grandmother in the same polite, poised way that worked decently for my cousin? And I thought we concluded that if my grandmother snubs me the way "Jay" did, that I'm going to walk away and not obsess about trying to get her to like me? I'm not dumb, I'm not dense, and I AM listening.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    I'm beginning to think that you are a bit of an obsessive compulsive person. You either don't tell anyone anything, or constantly bombard them with questions until you get every last ounce of information form them. From one extreme to the other. There is such a thing as being OVER Assertive.
    I do go from extremes, only because the way I act in real life is often a bit different than the way I present things on the Internet. It is a lot easier to vent as an annonymous user on a website, communicating via writing, than it is to vent in real life. And yeah, lately I've been starting to bombard a few people with questions...for example, my good friend M--k. He claims that I bombard him with questions almost as bad as his mother does LOL.

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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Sometimes being smart and financially stable and independent has to just be it's own reward... people don't always love you more because you've accomplished these things, which can be a really painful lesson to learn. Sometimes it's easier to believe that you did something wrong, or at least something explicable, that causes other people's erratic behavior when really, they don't even know why they're doing what they're doing themselves. Totally frustrating. But you can't control it.

    You're going to pissed off about this stuff for a long time because it is shitty, and that's all there is to it. Just accept the bad feelings with the good and try to stay busy while these things work themselves out inside of you. You've already proven yourself. Focus on keeping people around you who make you feel good and let everyone else do their own thing over there.

    This is something my shrink told me once and it totally reframed my whole way of dealing with anger: every time you feel yourself starting to seethe about this stuff, call up someone who hasn't fucked you over and ask them how their day went. Don't vent, you'll just get madder. Take the energy and use it to make the relationships that are already good better. You don't have to let people walk all over you, but don't walk all over yourself trying to prove something either.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Why are you still communicating with this family? Are you enjoying the drama or the torture?

    Just because they are family doesn't mean that you have to accept their abuse. Make a choice to either accept who they are and let it all go or stop complaining about how snubbed you feel. YOU are creating that by staying in contact with people who treat you so badly.

    Who cares what their reasons are? The fact is that they are being asinine and rude and you are playing into it by getting all bent out of shape and obessessing over the whys and hows.

  19. #19
    High_Heel_Lover
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    I am sorry you are hurt. It is never fun to have love for someone, a family member and then be hurt by them but it happens. You can either feel as if the world is against you or say this is how it is and unfortunately I can't deal with bad shit so let me move on.

    I understand the pain but honey, life is way too short.

    You have done your part and if they want to be the way they are then you just wash your hands and move on. Again I am sorry you are hurting and I wish you peace.

  20. #20
    Senior Member GentlemanX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Your grandmother sounds like a bitch. That sounds really terrible to say, but based on what you've mentioned it seems to be true. I wouldn't bother with her unless she has some money to be distributed in the will. That also sounds real bad, but makes good economic sense. If she does have money, I would talk to a lawyer about a possible will contest if other people have been feeding her lies about you in her possibly diminished state. That's something that will help if she cuts you out. That's my two cents. Sorry that you have to go through this. It does suck.

  21. #21
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess View Post
    Why are you still communicating with this family? Are you enjoying the drama or the torture?

    Just because they are family doesn't mean that you have to accept their abuse. Make a choice to either accept who they are and let it all go or stop complaining about how snubbed you feel. YOU are creating that by staying in contact with people who treat you so badly.

    Who cares what their reasons are? The fact is that they are being asinine and rude and you are playing into it by getting all bent out of shape and obessessing over the whys and hows.
    This post and a few others make it seems as though my grandmother is like the Evil Stepmother from Cinderella. I don't know if this is because of the way that I worded my posts, or because of something that other people are seeing before I'm seeing it. My grandmother isn't nearly as bad as Cinderella's evil stepmother, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe you guys are at least partly right about all this. After all, my whole immediately family is starting to get fed up with Grandma...the way she nags them about how they clean their house(she doesn't even live there! she just visits once per week), the outdated things she spews out, the way she ridiculed/disliked my little sister's perfectly fine ex-boyfriend, etc. I wonder if maybe I SHOULD avoid them. On the bright side, my dad's side of the family is MUCH more "normal," down to earth, and supportive of me. They constantly tell each other about how I'm a "math whiz" and "smart," so that's something! Besides, both of the cousins on my dad's side of the family actually invited me to their wedding and showed appreciation for me attending. So perhaps I should consider my "family" to only be my dad's side...after all, my mom's dead, so technically that makes any association to my mom's side of the family "dead" also, right?

  22. #22
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Well, just because your mom is dead doesn't mean that your association with her side of the family should be dead.

    What should be the deciding factor should be how you feel around them. You apparently do not FEEL good around them. For that reason, alone, you should break/severely limit any contact with them.

  23. #23
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Another story about snubbing and families: Snubbed by my cousin

    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess View Post
    Well, just because your mom is dead doesn't mean that your association with her side of the family should be dead.

    What should be the deciding factor should be how you feel around them. You apparently do not FEEL good around them. For that reason, alone, you should break/severely limit any contact with them.
    Yeah obviously I understand that, but what I'm saying is -- if my mom was still alive, she would probably defend her mother(aka my grandma) and try to get me to not think ill of them. But with the uncomfortable way I feel around my grandmother, and the fact that my mom isn't even around to try and bind us together like Elmer's glue binding two pieces of paper together, I feel no association with them. To hell with it.

    Venus, you are already familiar with the other thread that I wrote, about the brothers/half-brothers who held a grudge against me for a wrongdoing that somebody else did to me(as little sense as that makes). Well somewhere in that thread, I explained that the two half-brothers that were mad at me stopped talking to each other soon after they stopped talking to me, all because the one brother decided to dissociate himself with his dad's entire side of the family. He had the attitude of "Screw them, they're not my 'family' even though we share the same dad. They never visited me when I was growing up. They didn't even want to start hanging out with me until this past year." But at least his half-brothers wanted to associate with him in the present, which is more than I can say about my grandma or cousins! So perhaps I should take Dipshit's approach and write off my mom's side of the family. My dad's side is so much nicer and more supportive of me!

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