Hey, so I know this is a touchy subject.
Ive faught depression without drugs and I want to share my experience in case it helps others who are battling with depression.
Im going to try and keep this as short as I can because its easy for me to talk for ages.
I was raised to feel like it was my fault I was born and that nothing I ever did was good enough and that anything I wanted would turn out shit. This caused me to not trust myself or believe I had anything going for me. I was also raised by a perfectionist father which made me a perfectionist.
I truly believe that the biggest cause of depression is perfectionism.
My fight against depression started when I refused to take anti-depressant drugs. I somehow knew in me that depression is a cause of my thoughts and feelings and that I needed to figure out what the cause was and fix it. Drugs just numb it and cover it over, but if you come off the drugs, the depression comes back because you never fixed the cause.
I went through days where I didnt leave the house or get out of bed. I lost countless hours crying like a baby on my floor. I would spontaneously start crying at work and have to leave. I once walked across London sobbing until I fell down in Hyde Park, curled up into a ball and carried on crying. I cried so much I was dilerious. Thats two hours of sobing I think it was. I fantasised about cutting myself and wanted to be dead without actually dieing. Something inside me knew that I was worth more than all of this.
I also discovered that I am a Highly Sensitive Person and am easily overwhelmed by too much stimulus around me. Living in London was driving me crazy, it was just too much.
First, I demanded to see a Psychologist. Id spent over a year saying I could fix myself until it became apparent that I couldnt, that I needed help from someone with an outside view. I started seeing a Cognitive Behavioural Psychologist and she explained to me that I was an all or nothing person. That I set my expectations and standards too high and beat myself up when I couldnt achieve them. I always thought it was my fault when things didnt go my way and beat myself up terribly. I also never gave myself credit for the things I did do because I always just thought it was normal, I never saw myself achieving anything. I always felt like I could do better, look better. People always disappointed me also, all the time and I was single for a long, long time.
So I had to work on accepting less as ok. I had to work on bringing my expectations out of the clouds. And I noticed that everytime I got stressed, I would ask myself, am I getting stressed cos Im asking for too much? Can I expect less and still be ok with it? And I would try that and realise that I was ok with less, that in fact, less than I expected was not bad at all! And slowly I started seeing the beauty of life because I had lowered my sky high standards. At first it was really hard to even consider what I wanted to not be achievable, but I knew I had to make myself at least consider it.
I also knew I needed to get out of London. I needed to go somewhere the environment was more relaxed, where people's standards were less also. So I moved a long, long way from London, down to the coast in Cornwall where everyone is super laid back.
While Ive been here, Ive been reading books like crazy and I learned to develop an Attitude of Gratitude. I never thought I could be happy, I was still battling with trying to be ok with less expectations.
Anyway, this concept of finding things to be thankful and grateful for was hard for me. Being this pefectionist, nothing was ever good enough so how can I be thankful for stuff when its just not good enough? And when things arent good enough, youre just upset and angry at what a shit life you have and you get depressed about it and wonder, whats it all for? Whats the point? If I had this, or that, or I was like this, or that, then Id be happy.
So let me tell you about the beauty of developing and attitude of gratitude. It was not easy for me, but I read in one of my many books, start small. So I did. Id say, Im thankful for this bed I get to sleep in. A lot of people dont even have a bed to sleep on. (I currently sleep on a super uncomfortable sofa bed on the floor). Im grateful for this warm shower I can have whenever I want, this home I live in, my amazing friends, my awesome mother, my job because it lets me earn a living, my body that lets me get a job, the fact all my limbs and sense are working, my intelligence so that i can take my life in any direction i want, the fact i can read books that teach me and open my mind, my abilities and capabilities. Each and everyday I make a list of things I am grateful for and its getting easier and easier to find things to be grateful for. The most inspiring way is to think of all the things that you have that a lot of people in the world dont have.
And the reason this attitude of gratitude fights depression is because you begin to realise how blessed you are and how you actually have no right to be depressed. Your mood lifts because you realise how much you do have and how great your life already is with what you have and your confidence grows too. I know, I am a living example of this.
Ok, I do think that it has been easier for me to be thankful since I moved out of London. So maybe you need to make a decision and move out of the place youre in. Everyone's lives are different. But I hope in some small way, what Ive said today helps somebody, somewhere.
The Universe, or God if youre religious, cannot give you what you want until you appreciate what you already have. Its like if you lend some clothes to someone and they mess them up, youre not going to lend them clothes every again. So, appreciate your life, enjoy it and watch your life get better and better everyday.![]()



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