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First, I’m trying not to offend, I am trying to understand something I don’t understand.
A little background:
My wife and I are both in our second marriage [we’re both widow(er)s]. We’ve been married for just under 5 years now.
My wife worked as a stripper from when she was 17 to 21 [ over 25 years ago]. During that time she also did some Dom work, some bachelor parties, and was bi with some friends she worked with. From the age 21 on up she was a wife and mother, etc.
[Now, some 20 years after her first marriage] When we first were married there was a lot of sex, but it felt like just sex. Almost like she was allowing me vs something “we” were sharing. The sex was good in that she’d “O” often, but something was lacking for me. I began to notice that she won’t reach out to me physically. She’d touch me parts just enough to get me aroused and then she’d lay back and have sex … it just so happened that I was there.
I’m kind of struggling to figure out what’s going on. I say struggle because I’ve heard her tell stories from long ago of her and her girl friends doing each other before they’d do their boyfriends. I heard of her Dom work. I’ve heard of how she viewed certain customers when she was dancing. I’ve heard all these things and when we are together she just lays back and “allows” me to have sex with her.
I know she loves me, and I know it’s not a desire to be with someone else, either another man or woman. But it seems like she needs to know she can turn me on when she wants, that she’s in control, but it’s not important to turn me on to give me pleasure.
So, I guess my question is, when you separate what you do from who you are, how is that done? How do you view the relationship with your husband/boyfriend from the people at work? I ask because she’ll laugh at how when she was working that guys were so easy, that guys are so predicable [and maybe we are, I don’t know, I’m just a guy –lol]
Yet somehow, and maybe I’m reading in something that not’s there, I sense that the things she did way back then was just youthful play and work, a job and that she doesn’t want to, or thinks she shouldn’t, bring that kind of titillation into our marriage bed? Could that be it?
Again, maybe I’m way off base, but to me, it’s like she’s set up such a wall between what she did and who she is at home that if she were to do anything overly sexy that she would bring her old work home or that it would somehow “cheapen” our married life. Is that making any sense? I’m really grasping at straws trying to figure out the gap between the wild stories from the days of old and the lackluster, almost boring sex life we’re having.
It’s not that I see her as broken, or needing my help etc. and I know she’s not ashamed of her past, but I’m really at a loss at understanding what’s going on [or the lack of what’s going on].
If it’s common for women to set up such a wall between work and home, how do I understand it? I’m not looking to tear it down or pressure her, but I am trying to understand it [if that’s what it is in the first place], so that I can tell her I would like and need more than the plain, missionary position only, sex we’re having now. She tends to be guarded about what she’s feeling or how she see’s things so I don’t have a lot to go on.
How is it? How is home life seen from how work life is seen? What do I say, what do I do to let her know that I desire her, but not like a customer at the club. That I’m her husband and desire to share with her all of her and all of me.
Thanks in advance
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