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Thread: Distinguishing customers and husband

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    Default Distinguishing customers and husband

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    First, I’m trying not to offend, I am trying to understand something I don’t understand.

    A little background:
    My wife and I are both in our second marriage [we’re both widow(er)s]. We’ve been married for just under 5 years now.

    My wife worked as a stripper from when she was 17 to 21 [ over 25 years ago]. During that time she also did some Dom work, some bachelor parties, and was bi with some friends she worked with. From the age 21 on up she was a wife and mother, etc.

    [Now, some 20 years after her first marriage] When we first were married there was a lot of sex, but it felt like just sex. Almost like she was allowing me vs something “we” were sharing. The sex was good in that she’d “O” often, but something was lacking for me. I began to notice that she won’t reach out to me physically. She’d touch me parts just enough to get me aroused and then she’d lay back and have sex … it just so happened that I was there.

    I’m kind of struggling to figure out what’s going on. I say struggle because I’ve heard her tell stories from long ago of her and her girl friends doing each other before they’d do their boyfriends. I heard of her Dom work. I’ve heard of how she viewed certain customers when she was dancing. I’ve heard all these things and when we are together she just lays back and “allows” me to have sex with her.

    I know she loves me, and I know it’s not a desire to be with someone else, either another man or woman. But it seems like she needs to know she can turn me on when she wants, that she’s in control, but it’s not important to turn me on to give me pleasure.

    So, I guess my question is, when you separate what you do from who you are, how is that done? How do you view the relationship with your husband/boyfriend from the people at work? I ask because she’ll laugh at how when she was working that guys were so easy, that guys are so predicable [and maybe we are, I don’t know, I’m just a guy –lol]

    Yet somehow, and maybe I’m reading in something that not’s there, I sense that the things she did way back then was just youthful play and work, a job and that she doesn’t want to, or thinks she shouldn’t, bring that kind of titillation into our marriage bed? Could that be it?

    Again, maybe I’m way off base, but to me, it’s like she’s set up such a wall between what she did and who she is at home that if she were to do anything overly sexy that she would bring her old work home or that it would somehow “cheapen” our married life. Is that making any sense? I’m really grasping at straws trying to figure out the gap between the wild stories from the days of old and the lackluster, almost boring sex life we’re having.

    It’s not that I see her as broken, or needing my help etc. and I know she’s not ashamed of her past, but I’m really at a loss at understanding what’s going on [or the lack of what’s going on].

    If it’s common for women to set up such a wall between work and home, how do I understand it? I’m not looking to tear it down or pressure her, but I am trying to understand it [if that’s what it is in the first place], so that I can tell her I would like and need more than the plain, missionary position only, sex we’re having now. She tends to be guarded about what she’s feeling or how she see’s things so I don’t have a lot to go on.

    How is it? How is home life seen from how work life is seen? What do I say, what do I do to let her know that I desire her, but not like a customer at the club. That I’m her husband and desire to share with her all of her and all of me.

    Thanks in advance
    -

  2. #2
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    This is a problem that has absolutely nothing to do with her being a stripper 25 years ago. Why don't you go to a sex therapy counselor and open the lines of communication? Or read Cosmo with her. All their sex articles tell women that men love it when they take the reins.

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  3. #3
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Dude - we completely don't even know your wife. Like at all.

    Universe take note: strippers do not share a brain. We have no insight into your sex life because your wife stripped 25 years ago. You need to talk to her.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  4. #4
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    25 years ago?? Yeah..nothing to do with stripping.

  5. #5
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    She's probably just bored with you.

  6. #6
    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    ^^^ Sorry, I gotta second this.

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    If you your wife stripped 25 years ago that puts you in your 50's is that right?

    If so a lot of woman as they get older towards their 50's lose interest in sex. It's great that she still has an orgasm but even still I think due to menopause women can lose a lot of their sexual needs.

    I really think you need to talk to her about this. I'm sure if she knew you were asking the advice of women half her age she would be VERY pissed off.

  8. #8
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    She's probably just bored with you.
    That's also what I was thinking. When I got bored with my ex, I stopped initiating sex. Although I still orgasmed regularly, the sex got lame, unfortunately. And I was a sexy slutty stripper back then (haha) but that had nothing to do with it at all. The first few years we were together, it was awesome and naughty and fun. Things changed between us physically, aka sexual boredom.

    Again, nothing to do with stripping, or something sexual I did years ago.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Sounds like typical old hat sex. Nothing to do with her ever having stripped.

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    If somebody I'm sleeping with 25 years from now thinks my life as a stripper is currently affecting my sex life, I think I'm gonna have to dump them. Everything that goes on in a former strippers life doesn't have to do with her time in naked land.

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Thanks for answering-

    I appreciate the input. Like I said in my op, I just didn't know if it had anything to do with it. It sounds like I was way off target. I was trying to figure out what and why and I think I got some good insight.

    And yes, while I can be painfully boring, in an old fart kind of way, I guess I didn't consider what age may have done to her desires.

    Again, thanks to all who answered,

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    I'm gonna buck the trend here and concede you might be onto something. It's not the stripping so much that makes me say that though, it's her previous Dom work and bisexuality. IMHO if she sought a position as a Dom because she enjoyed the work (as opposed to just being really strapped for cash or something) then she may still be into it, but perhaps doesn't think you could share that. Likewise, if her bisexuality was legit, not just experimentation, she may miss that aspect of her sexuality but not want to admit it to you.

    As for the 'wall' between work and home, that definitely can occur. But, it doesn't happen to everyone, and 25 years after the fact I find it particularly unlikely.

    Agreeing with others though, an open dialogue or counselor is what you really need to help you reconnect. Everything here is just conjecture. G'luck!

  13. #13
    LoveComesFromWithin
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    honestly, i don't think it has anything to do with distinguishing custumer/ husband. maybe both of u should try new things in the bedroom.

    and i can distinguish btwn my cust. and significant other, because i love one and i love the money from another

  14. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband



    I love how he gets multiple responses saying she's bored with fucking him, he is boring, it's not about her past and it's because he's just the same old dull guy, and his response to that is, yeah, she's just getting older. Effing classic!

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    I'm certainly not an expert but I think your issues have more to do with her Dom personality than they do with her past as a dancer. A job is just a job but a personality-who you are- is forever.

    At any rate, this isn't the place to be asking for advice about your problem.
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    -

    Thanks to all who took my question in the way it was asked. As I said in my OP, I am not looking to offend anybody, but I’m not a stripper and I haven’t known any, so I figured I’d ask people who are in the know as far as what can or does go through a dancers mind. As far as asking women who are half her age [this forum], well, I couldn’t and wouldn’t be asking her friends. I was looking for some insight, so I asked, that’s all.

    Most answers were “..no, stripping 25 years ago has nothing to do with it..” or “...it’s probably more to do with age or becoming familiar/routine sex...” That’s what I was asking.

    Yekhefah-
    I’m not blaming her or her age. If you re-read my answer you’ll see that I said that I hadn’t considered what age may have done. No “Blame” there. I may be boring as you suggest, but even if so, it’s not the totality of all that’s going on.

    But otherwise
    Again, thanks for taking the time to answer a question from an old boring guy and for offering some helpful suggestions.

  17. #17
    Newbie RexEverything's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Hey Tobor219.

    Yes, the fact that she was a dancer has something to do with this. I’m willing to bet any amount of money that your wife has a masculine personality, notice I didn’t say manly, because when dancers are in a club they have to take the man’s role, in a “normal bar scenario,” and meet the men. I don’t care what any dancer will tell you, the simple fact that they approach men will change the way they view the world.

    Right now, your wife is bored with you because she has taken up the role of the man in your relationship.

    Now understanding that your wife has become a very independent, strong woman, I can only assume that in order for attraction to have taken place, you have a more feminine personality, this is called relationship polarity, opposites attract. This is your problem. You need to reassert you masculinity within your relationship.

    Caveman fuck your wife. Stop being so wishy-washy in every aspect of your relationship with her. Romance her, everyday, and I’m not talking about going out and buying her things. Be a MAN in your relationship. If you love your wife, she wants and needs all this.

    Take care, brother.

    Rex

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by RexEverything View Post
    Caveman fuck your wife. Stop being so wishy-washy in every aspect of your relationship with her. Romance her, everyday, and I’m not talking about going out and buying her things. Be a MAN in your relationship. If you love your wife, she wants and needs all this.

    Take care, brother.

    Rex
    I would agree with this sexy advice, but I still think the issue isn't related to her stripping. Caveman fucking is very important.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by tobor219 View Post
    ...When we first were married there was a lot of sex, but it felt like just sex. Almost like she was allowing me vs something “we” were sharing. The sex was good in that she’d “O” often, but something was lacking for me. ...
    I'll buck the trend a bit too...

    First, like yoda said, you are really asking a question that you won't find answers for here. But okay, you asked...

    Assuming your intuitive sense of the matter is right, there could be many reasons, including the possibility that she is just not capable of what you are looking for. It may just be that she is one of those people whose brain turns inwards during sex, focusing on her pleasure, lacking much intuitive sense of what her lover wants. Some men do the same of course, focusing on what pleases them, lacking an intuitive sense of what their lover needs. For some that is great sex. For others it feels more like masturbating using the other person's body than love making. Of course even for people who are very emotionally intimate in bed, sometimes there is nothing like a good mindless animal fuck, but if she is never capable of being emotionally intimate, and you need that, well it may just be that it isn't going to happen.

    But... I honestly don't know that this has anything to do with her DOM career 25 years ago. It could just be her personality type. It's a big world and it is filled with a very large variety of people. You could try talking to her, but don't be surprised if what you are talking about alludes her.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    I love talking about social dynamics with women. I studied it for years and most men simply don’t understand it.

    Relationships are about power; who has it and who doesn’t. Since any dancer that I’ve met has evolved into a person stronger than most men, keeping in mind that less than 10% of men in a bar scenario will approach any woman, most men disqualify themselves because they are not able to make dancers feel feminine. 98% of the men you ladies see daily are men that will not approach a woman.

    There are a couple of reasons why dancers don’t want any relationship with her customers other than a finical one. The largest and most important reason is power. Dancers own the guys in club. There is no challenge with these guys; dancers own them, which is not sexually appealing to most women.

    Most men are easy to emasculate. Dancers have to develop emasculation to a fine art to get paid the big buck. Any sales person will tell you, “You lead to the sale.” It’s not called the “Hustle Hut” for no reason, ladies.

    Being a leader is a masculine trait.

    Reread the original post. This guy sounds like a woman. His insecurities have gotten the best of him. The OP’s wife knows that she owns him because it comes through in his writing. This guy feels that he’s on a sinking ship, which he is, and all he can do is talk about his feeling instead of being a man and leading the evacuation program.

    OP, grow a set and be more masculine than your wife. OP, the state of your relationship is your fault, being the leader of a relationship is like being in the military mission; when a mission fails it’s the leaders fault for not leading effectively. Don’t cry about it; except it and do something about it. Your wife wants to feel like a woman. Being a MAN is hard and lonely at times; but that’s exactly what makes us MEN. DO NOT TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT ANY OF THIS. If you talk to her, you are further validating the notion that she is the leader of your relationship. Leaders do not discuss any change in a relationship; they lead to the change.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Dude - if you interpret strength and leadership as male traits; of course the women here are going to seem masculine to you. The rest of it is just... silly. I mean, you are threatened by women who defy a conventional role; that doesn't indicate a particularly deep "understanding of social dynamics". Merely a familiarity with stereotype.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by RexEverything View Post
    Being a leader is a masculine trait.
    I won't touch this one with a 1000 foot pole. Let the flames commence.

    Quote Originally Posted by RexEverything View Post
    ... OP, the state of your relationship is your fault, being the leader of a relationship is like being in the military mission; when a mission fails it’s the leaders fault for not leading effectively. ... Leaders do not discuss any change in a relationship; they lead to the change.
    Or this could be interpreted as the beliefs of a man who does not have what it takes to be in a relationship with a woman who is an emotional equal, and intellectual equal, an adult, capable of making decisions, capable of sometimes leading, sometimes following, sometimes deciding together.

    Not every guy wants to be with an emotional child, a cow, a little girl, a weak flower... someone who needs a leader constantly. See a relationship is not the military. In the military people are secondary. In relationships people are primary. In a relationship there are no commanders, no draft, no enemy. Just you, and her.

    Now sure, some women are very passive and expect to be led. But some of us find that kind of woman to be an utter bore. Me, I'll take a pet before I am involved with a woman that needs me to constantly make decisions for her and lead her. Pets are cheaper. I'd rather talk with, and make love with, someone who I view as an equal. If she needs me to lead her constantly then good bye. I have better things to do with my time then be a babysitter.

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by RexEverything View Post
    Caveman fuck your wife. Stop being so wishy-washy in every aspect of your relationship with her. Romance her, everyday, and I’m not talking about going out and buying her things. Be a MAN in your relationship. If you love your wife, she wants and needs all this.

    Take care, brother.

    Rex
    I think Rex was onto something here. The OP really just wants to spice up his sex life with his wife, who he loves. It's gotten boring for him. That happens. He just wants some variety.

    I you want this to happen OP, it may be better to be proactive rather than wait for your wife to just make a change. Start googling, start reading, and use your imagination. Being romantic will help to put her in the mood for some spice.

    hb

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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    I think Rex was onto something here. The OP really just wants to spice up his sex life with his wife, who he loves. It's gotten boring for him. That happens. He just wants some variety.
    I think you guys missed this part of his post -

    "When we first were married there was a lot of sex, but it felt like just sex. Almost like she was allowing me vs something “we” were sharing. The sex was good in that she’d “O” often, but something was lacking for me."

    That seems pretty clear. He feels she has been closed off all along to him, and he wonders if this has something to do with a wall she learned to put 20 some years ago to protect herself from customers (which he wonders if it has spilled over into her relationship with her husband). Boredom now is probably an issue too, but it seems pretty clear he is saying this is not some new issue that happened over time.

  25. #25
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Distinguishing customers and husband

    Quote Originally Posted by RexEverything View Post

    . DO NOT TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT ANY OF THIS. If you talk to her, you are further validating the notion that she is the leader of your relationship. Leaders do not discuss any change in a relationship; they lead to the change.
    Yes by all means, dont treat your wife as an equal. Dominate over her and make all decisions for her as she is just a weak female who deep down is waiting for a Big Man to sweep her off her feet and keep her head empty, her feet bare and her womb full.

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